The Aftermath of Surgery
by icecream401
Summary: What if the gods had to get their wisdom teeth taken out, or have other dental work done on them?
1. Demeter Talks to Cereal Boxes

**So, I got inspired to do this while I was at school one day (probably because my friend called and told me she was getting her wisdom teeth out this summer). Anyway, I've also seen some pretty weird stuff on YouTube after people have the surgery done. So…let's see what the gods do.**

 **RATED T for sexual references, language…and drunk gods! Hope you guys like it.**

 **I don't own anything from YouTube that shows people getting really high after the surgery or PJO/HOO.**

 **CHAPTER 1: DEMETER TALKS TO CEREAL BOXES**

Demeter sat in the waiting room of the dentist's office. It was a mortal dentist, since Olympus didn't really have a dentist they could go to. She thought about going to Apollo or Asclepius, but they couldn't really do the surgery for some reason.

Sitting next to her sat the god Triptolemus, who will be appearing quite a few times in this FanFic! Trip was reading a farming magazine (shocking, isn't it?) while they waited for the nurse to call Demeter back.

"Hey, look at this," Trip told Demeter.

"What is it?" Demeter asked him, glancing at the magazine.

"It's an apple!" Trip yelled in delight.

"Hey, Greek guy!" the receptionist hissed. "Shut up."

Triptolemus gave her the finger and continued to read the magazine called _Why Farming Doesn't Suck_.

The door to their right opened and a nurse came out. "Demeter," she said. "Dr. Crest is ready for you."

Demeter and Triptolemus got up and headed toward the nurse. She led them into an exam room, and Demeter sat in the chair.

"So," the nurse said, "my name is Missy and I'll be assisting Dr. Crest today. She'll be right in." And she began getting Demeter ready for surgery.

Dr. Crest walked in. She was tall and blond (and kind of looked like Aphrodite). Demeter freaked out when she saw the nametag: DR. A. CREST was printed on the lab coat, too.

Dr. Crest smiled, shaking each of their hands. "Hi, Demeter. I'm Dr. Crest and I'll be yanking your wisdom teeth out today." She had a high, girly voice, just like Aphrodite.

"What's your first name?" asked Demeter.

"Allison," the woman said. "So, here's what we're going to do." She went on for ten minutes explaining the procedure. Demeter drowned her out with the thought of wheat and cereal and other stuff. "Any questions?" Dr. Crest said.

Demeter shook her head. "No."

"Good." She turned to Triptolemus, who'd introduced himself before she sat down. "All right, Trippypants—"

"Triptolemus."

"Yeah, what you said. You can go into the waiting room and do something not weird. We'll be done in about an hour."

Triptolemus got up and headed into the waiting room.

ONE HOUR LATER…

Triptolemus was reading a book he wrote called _Why Farmers Are Cute, Sexy, and Handsome_ , when Missy walked out and smiled at him. "Mr. Tripsalot—"

Trip gritted his teeth.

"—oh, don't do that. You'll get tooth problems," Missy scolded. "Demeter's finished."

Trip followed her into the exam room. Demeter was sitting up in the chair, her cheeks were all puffed up and swollen. Dr. Crest turned to Trip. "All right, Trippy—"

"Close enough," Trip sighed.

"—Demeter's all finished. She'll be sore for a while, so she shouldn't eat anything until she's feeling ready." She handed Trip a prescription. "Take that to the pharmacy for her drugs." And she left after telling Trip how to care for Demeter.

Demeter's eyes fluttered open and she glared at the nurse. "Did you take my daughter?"

"Huh?" said Missy.

"My daughter!" Demeter sobbed. "My daughter's gone missing!" She saw Trip and looked at him. "You!" she yelled at him. "Did you see my daughter anywhere?"

"No, Demeter. Your daughter's in Hell."

"Oh, how wonderful," Demeter smiled grotesquely.

"C'mon," Trip told her. "We have to get your medicine."

Trip and Demeter headed to the pharmacy down the road. Trip and Demeter walked up to the counter. A fat chick was sitting behind the desk. "What?" she asked in a bored voice.

"Yeah, hi. This is Demeter and she's got a prescription for her wisdom teeth extraction."

"Where's Demeter?"

Trip looked next to him. Demeter was gone.

"Uh…she's getting soda or whatever," said Trip.

All of a sudden, Demeter ran up to him. "Hey, handsome," she said, "they have talking cereal boxes here!"

"But…" Trip was utterly confused. "Cereal boxes don't talk, Dem."

"WELL, THIS ONE DOES!" She held up a Lucky Charms box. "I'll show you. Hello!" she screamed at the Lucky Charms box. "How are you today?"

The box didn't do anything.

"He says he's doing fine," Demeter informed Triptolemus. "What's your name? Oh, I see. He says his name is Cheerios," Demeter giggled.

"Sir," said the pharmacist, "here's the medicine. Pay for it here."

"Okay." Trip paid for the drugs and looked at Demeter. "Okay, Dem. We have to put the cereal back now."

Demeter threw a massive temper tantrum on the floor of the pharmacy. "BUT I LOVE THIS CEREAL! HE'S SO NICE TO ME!"

"I know, babe. I know. C'mon. Let's go home."

 _Afterward_

As soon as Demeter stopped being high anymore, Trip gave her some apple sauce with one of her pills.

"How are you feeling?" Trip asked her.

"Uh…confused," said Demeter. "Tell me, Triptolemus. What did I say?"

Triptolemus told her what she'd said at the dentist office and at the pharmacy. Demeter's face turned a cherry-red.

"Wow," said Demeter, flushing even more. "This is rather embarrassing."

 **A/N: Don't worry. I won't make all of the chapters like this. If you want me to do a certain god (I'm doing all the Olympians in this one) and something you'd like them to do, let me know and PM me or whatever. Please review. I love them. And I hope you like the story so far.**


	2. Aphrodite Dumps Ares

**CHAPTER 2: APHRODITE DUMPS ARES**

Aphrodite, Ares, and Hephaestus were sitting in the waiting room of a dentist office on Earth. This wasn't Dr. Crest; this was some dude named Dr. White.

Aphrodite wasn't getting her teeth pulled _yet_ , so she was here for a consultation.

"Ms. Aphrodite?"

Aphrodite, Ares, and Hephaestus all headed into the dentist's conference room, where Dr. White was sitting. Aphrodite thought about poking her eyes out because he was _not_ hot!

"Hello, Ms. Aphrodite," said Dr. White. "I hear you're having some teeth issues, correct?"

Aphrodite nodded. "Are you single?"

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Shocker," Aphrodite muttered.

"Sorry, she's nervous," said Hephaestus. "She was married to me, too, but sadly, she went for this bastard right here." He jabbed his thumb at Ares.

Dr. White looked at Aphrodite. "Anyway, your appointment is for tomorrow afternoon at two-thirty." He laughed, but only he got the joke. "Uh…anyway," he said awkwardly, "she'll need an escort, so maybe one of you would be fine. We don't want patients freaking out over you two. I heard how much you'd misbehaved in the waiting room earlier."

"Well, he's god of the forges, so he was telling me he'll blow me up."

Dr. White fainted.

"Way to go, man," Hephaestus said. "C'mon. I have to go make out with a nymph."

THE NEXT DAY…

That morning, both gods (despite Dr. White's orders) headed to the dentist office with Aphrodite. For some reason, the goddess of love was afraid of medical procedures, so the gods had to drag her into the office.

"Hi," said the receptionist, "how may I help you?"

"This is Aphrodite," said Ares. "She's here to have her wisdom teeth out today."

"Ah," said the receptionist. "Well, Dr. White is with another patient, but he'll be with you shortly."

Ares, Aphrodite, and Hephaestus sat down in the chairs and began to act like the jerk gods they were.

"Aphrodite!" a fat nurse screamed. "Dr. White's waiting for you! Let's go!"

 _This nurse should not be working here_ , Hephaestus thought to himself.

The nurse led the three immortals back to an exam room. When Aphrodite saw the big, red dentist chair and the light hanging over it, she freaked. "Uh…" she said, "actually, I'm all better now."

"No, Aphro," said Ares, "we must get this done, or"—he paused while thinking of a good threat "—or you'll never be beautiful again."

Aphrodite squealed with concern and looked at the chair. "So…who sits there?"

"You do," said the nurse.

"Can't Ares sit there?" Aphrodite squeaked.

"No!" the nurse yelled.

"Fine!" Aphrodite yelled back. She sat down in the chair.

Dr. White walked into the room. "Hey, Aphrodite," he said casually.

But Aphrodite was already out, for the bitchy nurse drugged her.

ONE HOUR LATER…

Ares and Hephaestus were watching "Sea of Monsters", when Hephaestus' phone rang. "Crap!" he screamed. "We need to get to the dentist before Aphrodite blows it up!"

They'd been in a café watching the movie, but now they had to go back to the dentist's office.

Dr. White and the nurse weren't there, but they left a prescription on the tool tray for Hephaestus and Ares to take to the pharmacy.

"Hey, baby," Ares said. "How's it go—"

Aphrodite drooled and looked at him. "Ew!" she squeal-screamed. "What are you doing here?"

"Picking you up. The surgery's over."

"I hate you!" Aphrodite yelled. Then she noticed Hephaestus. "Who's he?"

"That's your former dude Hephaestus," Ares snapped. "Now, get up, Drunkie. Time to get some drugs for you."

"Ya know," said Aphrodite, looking at Ares, "I don't think it's gonna work out, Ares."

"WHY?!" he yelled.

"Because I like ugly men with no lives," Aphrodite replied, getting shakily to her feet.

Ares began to stutter. "But…but…but…"

"No buts, Ares," said Hephaestus. "You heard the nice lady."

Ares then ran screaming and crying—like the coward that he was—and ran all the way to Olympus.

"Dad?" he cried, looking up at Zeus. "Dad, Aphrodite dumped me."

"Well, it's about time," Hera said from Zeus' left. "She deserves Hephaestus…not you."


	3. Triptolemus is in Love with Corn

**Hey, guys. Please review!**

 **CHAPTER 3: TRIPTOLEMUS IS IN LOVE WITH CORN**

After seeing Demeter suffer through getting her wisdom teeth ripped out, Triptolemus thought he'd better get it over with, too. He wanted to go by himself, but Dr. Miller said he needed Demeter to be with him.

So there they were, reading magazines that had nothing to do with farming (Trip was pissed). He'd picked up the closest thing he could find: a magazine called _Get a Farmer Tan, Dude: Tips and Tricks to Getting a Farmer Tan_.

It was Demeter's turn to sit calmly next to her godly boyfriend (let's all assume Demeter's in love with the guy…I mean, c'mon! They both have _so_ much in common). Demeter was humming a song to herself while Triptolemus glanced through the magazines on the table in the waiting room.

"You're going to be fine," Demeter told him. "They're going to put you to sleep and rip them out. Easy as pie."

"Please don't talk about pie when I'm hungry," Trip groaned. Dr. Miller said he couldn't eat anything before the surgery that afternoon…and Trip hadn't eaten anything like the good boy he was.

The door opened. Trip stood up, thinking it was his turn, but a pudgy chick in purple scrubs came out. "Mr. Hunterstein?" she called. "Your daughter's all finished." She turned to Triptolemus. "Are you Triptolemus?"

 _Finally, someone got my name right_ , Trip thought. "Yes. Yes I am."

"Excellent. If you'll follow me, we'll get you set up for surgery."

The nurse led the two men back into the exam room area. Mr. Hunterstein went into one room, where Trip heard a girlish voice yell: "I'M QUEEN OF THE WORLD, DADDY!"

Trip shrugged and followed the nurse into a different exam room. He sat in the red dental chair and stared up at the ceiling.

"So," said the nurse, and Trip knew that this would be a long appointment, "your name's very unique."

"Uh…thanks?"

"What do you do for a living?" she asked as she put a blanket over Trip's chest.

"I'm a farmer," he replied.

"Did we take you away from farming?" she asked.

"Uh…well, I was working in the corn fields this morning, and I almost forgot about the appointment, until my girlfriend Demeter reminded me."

"I see," the nurse said. "Well, do you like your job?"

"I love my job!"

"Do you have animals on your farm, or just plants?"

"Uh…kinda. I have some cats that come around, and I give 'em names sometimes—if I feel like it—but I mostly farm plants…like sorghum and wheat."

"What's sorghum?" the nurse asked, getting the tool tray ready for Dr. Miller.

Trip blanked.

"Oh, I see you're stressed about the operation, Triptolemus," the nurse told him.

Where was the dentist? He was supposed to be here by now. Suddenly, from across the hall, the girl's voice yelled: "SEXY PONIES!"

"So," the nurse said, "my name's Pam, so if you need anything, just let me know."

Dr. Miller walked in, looking frustrated. When he saw Trip was all ready to go, he smiled all big. "Hey, Trip," he said. "Ready for this?"

"Yeah," Trip said. "Sure."

"Great."

Pam the nurse put something over Trip's face. Trip breathed it in and he was out in a few moments.

About an hour or so later, Demeter came back to get Trip and to take him to the pharmacy for his drugs. His face was all fat, and he was singing an out-of-tune version of "Home on the Range".

"Hey, Trip," Demeter cooed, sitting where the dentist had been, "how did it go?"

" _Where the deer and the antelope play_!" Trip yelled. "Do you like that song?"

"Sure," Demeter said. "Uh, Trip, we need to get you some medicine, or else you'll be sore for a while."

They had to go to Target to get Trip's drugs. Like Demeter, Trip stumbled off to find food.

"Trip!" Demeter screamed. "Get back here!"

"No!"

"NOW!"

"Are you my Mommy?" Trip retorted. "I don't think so, you heartless bitch!"

Demeter shrugged. The only person who'd called her that was Hades, and she'd gotten pretty used to it over the years.

"Hi," said Demeter once she reached the pharmacy. "I need this prescription filled, please."

The pharmacist took a look at it and smiled. "It'll be ready in twenty minutes."

Demeter walked off to find Triptolemus. When she found him, he was in the frozen food aisle where some fresh produce had just come in. Demeter found him arguing with an employee about corn.

"Sir," said the employee, "corn isn't sexy."

"Yes it is!" Trip yelled at the dude. "I'm going to name it. You wanna help me?"

"No, sir."

"Fine. I'll do it myself. I'll name you…" His eyes twinkled. "…Harvest!"

Demeter grabbed Trip's hand. "Trip, let's put the corn back now."

"I'm going to kiss the corn and we're going to get married!" Trip screamed. He started humming "Here Comes the Bride" really loudly, until Demeter's face turned a deep shade of pink.

"TRIPTOLEMUS!" Demeter screamed at the farm god. "YOU PUT THAT CORN BACK RIGHT NOW!"

Trip was kissing the corn and whispering some…uh…very sexual things to it. I'm not going to go into details on what he was saying.

Demeter eventually got Trip away from his lovely corn and headed back to the pharmacy. "Found him," she told the pharmacist.

"Excellent. Well, here it is. The dosage is on the bottle, so you can look at it when you go home."

Demeter thanked her, paid for the medicine, and dragged a very high Triptolemus out to her chariot.


	4. Hermes Almost Gets a DUI

**Thank you so much, my reviewers. Please keep them coming!**

 **CHAPTER 4: HERMES ALMOST GETS A DUI**

"Hermes!" Maia called sweetly. "Stop playing with your toys and get down here! We're going to be late for the dentist!"

Hermes came running down the stairs, holding his caduceus. "Ma," he said, "why must I say a week with you in this rundown hellhole you call a house?"

"Because, Herm," said Maia, "you're getting your wisdom teeth out today, and I want to make sure you recover nicely."

"Ma, I have mail to deliver and stuff," Hermes protested. "I don't want to sit on my butt all day talking to my snake buddies!"

 _Hermes sucks_ , George said.

 _Oh, shut up, George_ , Martha snapped at him.

"Shut up," Hermes snapped at George and Martha. "Mom, I'll be fine."

Maia sighed as her son put his caduceus in the back seat of her chariot. "We're off!"

When they'd reached the dentist, Maia told Hermes to sit down while she checked him in. "Hello," she said. "My son Hermes is here for his extraction."

"We're ready for him," the receptionist said. "Right this way."

The receptionist led Maia and Hermes to an exam room. Hermes looked around. There were instruments of torture, and he got pretty freaked out.

"Just have a seat in the chair, Hermes," said the receptionist, "and Dr. McWelz will be right in."

Maia glared at her son. "Hermes, while you're asleep, I'm going across the street to get some coffee. Do you promise me that you will _not_ drive anything until you're safe in my palace?"

"Yes, Mommy." But Hermes smirked when Maia wasn't looking.

 _Hermes, you have a call from Hera on line four_ , Martha told him.

"Tell her she can jump off Olympus and die," Hermes said. Yeah, he was having man issues that day.

 _She's pissed_ , George said.

"Good," said Hermes.

Dr. McWelz came in. He was a great oral surgeon, but his bedside manner was horrible. He turned the light on over Hermes' head. "Okay, it looks like all four of your wisdom teeth are impacted, Hermes," he said, "so you'll be in a lot more pain."

Hermes hoped the doctor was wrong.

Dr. McWelz put something on Hermes' face. "Breathe deeply," he instructed.

"Is this chloroform?" Hermes asked…and he was out.

Hermes woke up what felt like five minutes later. He didn't really know where he was, but he knew he felt really sick to his stomach. He looked around for a garbage can in case he needed to toss his cookies.

Dr. McWelz was sitting there with him, packing more gauze into his cheeks. Hermes gagged.

"That should do it," said Dr. McWelz. "So, here's a prescription. Get it filled and we'll see you in a week for a follow-up. Have a nice day." And he was gone.

Hermes stumbled to the front desk. "I'll see you later, baby," he told the receptionist.

Now the receptionist just so happened to be a dude, so he assumed Hermes was gay.

Hermes stepped outside and turned the corner, going in the opposite direction of the coffee shop. He found a car that looked like it hadn't been used in a million seconds, hopped inside, and started the engine. George and Martha, who were safely tucked away in cell phone mode, turned into a beer bottle. For some reason, they always liked to pretend Hermes was a drunk whenever he drove.

Hermes weaved in and out of traffic, hitting several cars…including police cars. One policeman got REALLY pissed off, and told Hermes to pull over.

"Hello, son," said the policeman.

"Hi, Dad," said Hermes. "How's it a-goin'?"

"Not too good. Not too good," said the officer. "Sir, are you aware that you've been driving like a freak for the past mile? I'm afraid that's going to cost you, sir. I need to see some ID."

Hermes held up the beer bottle.

"Aha!" the officer screamed. "So you've been drinking!"

"Hades, I've been drunking!" yelled Hermes. "And what have _you_ been up to, my good sir?"

"Sir, please don't mess with me."

Hermes grabbed the officer around the neck. "You wanna fight, buddy?"

"Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you to jail."

Hermes was still high, so he said: "Yeah, that sounds like fun!"

The officer got Hermes in the back seat of his car and drove off to the jail. On the way, he called Maia (Hermes wasn't too drunk so he couldn't give him her number).

Maia quickly told the officer that Hermes had gotten his wisdom teeth out that morning, and that he had been on laughing gas ever since she left the office. The officer sort of felt bad for Hermes, so he let him go…no ticket. Instead, he drove Hermes back to the coffee shop, where Maia was waiting, hands on her hips, and looking angry.

"Hermes!" she yelled. "Why didn't you come straight here?"

"Hey, cutie. You wanna snuggle?" Hermes made kissy-faces at his own mother.

"I'm so sorry about him," said Maia, grabbing Hermes around the wrist.

Police guy looked at her. "It's all right. I should've known better. That dentist doesn't really let his patients stay after their appointments. But they should so all the nitrous gets out of their systems. Well, no charges. Y'all have a nice day now." And he was gone.

Maia glared at her son. "Hermes, we need to get your meds. Let's go."

Hermes spat the gauze into the trash can. He was still dribbling blood from his mouth. "Ah…" Hermes sighed. "That's better. Let's go get some drugs!"


	5. Poseidon Gets a Squirt Gun

**CHAPTER 5: POSEIDON GETS A SQUIRT GUN**

Poseidon, Amphitrite, and Triton were all having dinner as a family, when something happened.

"Triton, how was fish school today?" Amphitrite asked.

"Good," Triton said in a monotone.

"What did you do?"

"Nothing."

Amphitrite shrugged. "Poseidon, how was your day ruling the seas and all?"

"It was—OW, MY FACE! It was good," Poseidon said, grimacing.

"Hon, what's wrong?" Amphitrite asked.

"My teeth hurt," Poseidon said, messaging his jaw.

"Oh, honey," Amphitrite cooed. "Do we need to see Asclepius?"

"No!" Poseidon screamed. "Not him! He's too nice!"

"Well, dear, he's a doctor. He has to have good bedside manner."

"Yeah, but there are a lot of doctors out there who _don't_ have good bedside manner. Apollo's pretty good, but when your appointment's over, he asks if you like his haikus. And then you tell him the truth and he ends up adding fifty-five more drachmas on your doctor bill." Poseidon groaned and clutched his face.

"Poseidon…" Amphitrite started to nag.

"Fine," he said. "I'll go see someone."

Amphitrite had made an appointment for Poseidon to see a chick named Dr. Jackson. Poseidon thought he was seeing Sally, so he psyched.

As soon as Poseidon sat in the dentist chair and Dr. Jackson walked in, Poseidon was MAJORLY disappointed. Dr. Jackson wasn't like Sally at all. She was petit, yes, but she didn't take care of her hair well, unlike Sally.

"Hi…Poh-see-dun," Dr. Jackson said.

" _Poseidon_ , actually," Poseidon corrected, trying not to feel offended.

"Are you Greek?"

"Why do you ask?"

"That sounds like the Greek god of the sea."

"Uh…no. I'm from some foreign country…I don't know." Poseidon winced. "Hey, could you look at me so I can get out of here?" _Because you're freaking weird_ , he thought.

Dr. Jackson sighed and looked Poseidon over. When she was done, she set her tools down and looked at him. "Mr. Poseidon, your wisdom teeth are coming in…and you're going to have to get them out relatively soon." She kicked a button and the chair sat up.

THE FOLLOWING MORNING

Poseidon and Amphitrite were sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Jackson's office. Amphitrite was forced to come with, since Poseidon couldn't magically appear at his palace unless he wasn't high…just go with it.

"Mr. Poseidon!" yelled a male nurse. "I'm ready for you now!"

Poseidon kissed Amphitrite goodbye. "I guess I'll make my final confessions now." He got down on one knee. "Amphitrite," he began, "when I met you, your hair was stunning, your eyes were like jewels, and your breasts were nicely shaped. Now that we've been married for a few thousand years, I feel like I must say this now. You're ugly, your boobs don't even fit in your bra anymore, and you're too fat. So, I love you, but I gotta go. I'll probably burn in Tartarus for saying that stuff to you, right?"

Amphitrite was crying. "I-I love you, too."

"I know. Everyone does." And Poseidon walked into the exam room.

He sat in the dentist chair and stared up at the ceiling. Dr. Jackson walked in, asked how he was doing (you know, the small-talk crap the dentist does before putting their hands in your face), and made him breathe the anesthetic in.

Amphitrite, meanwhile, was sitting in the waiting room, when she heard giggling and crying at the same time. Wait…what? _That sounds like Poseidon's giggles_ , she said.

Dr. Jackson went into another patient's room, so she decided it was time to go back.

She found Poseidon sitting in the chair, his face puffy and swollen, holding what looked like a dentist tool.

"Hello, my love," Amphitrite said.

"Hey, hey, Sally!" Poseidon said. He leaned forward and whispered: "Do you wanna see my squirt gun?"

 _Wow_ , Amphitrite thought, _even when he's high he can still make sexual comments and think I'm Sally Jackson_.

"Uh…" Amphitrite said.

"Here!" Poseidon giggled. "I'll show you!" He held up the tool that squirts water and pointed it at himself. He squirted and water flew all over his pants. Poseidon started crying.

"What's wrong, baby?" Amphitrite asked.

"I peed," Poseidon said, "in my pants. It's…it's very warm. You should try it someday." His powers went into action and the water disappeared. "Oh! Never mind. It's gone now." And he stood up. "Hey, do I know you?" he asked.

"I'm your wife."

"I'm married?"

"Yes! You're married, you jerk!"

"Oh." Poseidon stumbled out of the room.

Before Amphitrite left, the nurse handed her a prescription. "Dr. Jackson prescribed this drug to Poseidon. It'll probably make him feel sick to his stomach, so bear that in mind when you give it to him."

Amphitrite thanked him quickly, but she had to run because Poseidon was causing a huge scene out in the waiting room.

Poseidon was sitting on some man's lap. "Hello, Santa!" he yelled. "Can I have a palace for Christmas this year?"

Amphitrite stopped him. "I'm sorry about him," she told the man. "He's high."

"I know," the man said.

Amphitrite shook his hand and led Poseidon outside. "C'mon, honey. Let's get your drugs."


	6. Hecate Does Magic Tricks

**Thanks to all of you who have reviewed so far! Let me know if you'd like to see any gods do something really weird…after I do the gods, I thought I'd get the demigods in this FanFic, too! Just let me know what you think! PS – Hecate's a minor goddess, so sorry if this chapter sucks in advance!**

 **CHAPTER 6: HECATE DOES MAGIC TRICKS**

Persephone was in the Palace of Hades, when the doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" she yelled and flung the door open.

Hecate was standing there, looking scared as Hades. "Hello, Lady Persephone."

"Hecate, what's…what's wrong?"

"Well, you know that toothache I've been bitching about for a month now?"

Persephone nodded.

"Well, I finally decided to go to the dentist, and they said I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out." Hecate paled. "I thought gods didn't have wisdom teeth!"

"I guess we do," said Persephone sadly. "So, what's this got to do with me?"

"Well, I was hoping you could come with me tomorrow and stay there until I'm done."

Persephone agreed, because she was on her way to the mortal world to live with Demeter anyway. "Sure. I'll go with you. What time is your appointment?"

"Eight in the morning."

"SERIOUSLY?!"

"Yeah, seriously. Look, Seph, it was the earliest I could do it. I have magic stuff to do the rest of the week."

"You won't be doing _anything_ for the rest of the week," Persephone chided. "You'll be resting and taking meds all day long. You won't be able to do anything."

THE NEXT DAY…

The next day, Persephone walked over to Hecate's oh-so-amazing cave to pick her up for her appointment. Persephone wasn't happy about doing this so early in the morning (because she was having quality time with Hades the night before and they got to sleep late), but Hecate was her friend, and friends do stuff for each other.

"How long will this take?" asked Persephone as they headed into the office.

"Uh…about an hour or so," said Hecate. She headed up to the desk. "Hi. I'm Hecate, here for my extraction."

The receptionist—a very nice woman—checked the computer. "Yep. They'll be ready for you after their morning meeting."

Hecate sat next to Persephone and took out a deck of cards.

Persephone sighed. "What the Hades are those?"

"Cards," Hecate said, "duh."

"Yeah, I know they're cards," Persephone snapped. "I meant what are they for?"

"In case I get bored in the waiting room," Hecate said. "Maybe I could practice some card tricks on you."

Persephone wished she'd brought one of Hades' guns with her…she hated magic tricks…well, except the kinds that made flowers appear. _That_ she liked.

"Hecate? The dentist will see you now!" called the assistant. She was wearing a white lab coat over a nurse's uniform. "Follow me," she said. "You can come back, too," she told Persephone.

"Uh…" Persephone glanced behind the nurse. When she saw the dental stuff, she flipped out. "You know what? I think I'll stay here."

"Okay." And the nurse led Hecate off to the exam room.

Once the nurse put that napkin thing over Hecate, she began to talk to her. "So, how was your night last night?"

"Fine," Hecate replied, settling back into the chair. Then, just to be polite, she asked the nurse the same question.

"Mine was great, thank you for asking," the nurse said. "Hey, Dr. Mills!"

Dr. Mills, a guy who could've been Apollo's twin brother, walked into the room. Hecate thought he was incredibly hot, so she started fidgeting.

"Are you okay, Hecate?" asked Dr. Mills as he sat down in the chair next to her.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

"Well, this procedure's gonna take about an hour." Dr. Mills put a mask over Hecate's face. "Just breathe in and out. You'll be asleep in no time."

"Ms. Persephone?" said a nurse, "Dr. Mills is finished with Hecate, so if you'd like to come see her, that's fine."

Persephone put down her book and headed into the exam room.

Hecate was sitting in the chair. She was holding a deck of cards. She fanned out the cards and asked Persephone to pick one.

Persephone picked one from the pile, glanced at it (queen of hearts), and put it back in the pile. All of a sudden, Hecate puked all over the cards.

"Uh…was that part of the trick?" asked Persephone.

"Yes," Hecate squeaked. "I love magic tricks. Would you like to try one?"

"I just did. What's my card?"

Hecate looked at Persephone like she was crazy. "Oh." She blanked. "I have no idea. Please come to Hecate's Magical Palace of Magic and Glitter for a refund."

The nurse tapped Persephone on the arm.

"What?" asked Persephone.

"Hi, honey. Here's her prescription. Dosage will be on the bottle. Keep the ice on her face for a few hours and she'll be fine. If she pukes again, it'll be from the medicine. Call us if you two need anything, alright?"

Persephone nodded. "Hey, Hecate. We have to leave now."

On the way out, Hecate went by the receptionist. "Here, honey. Pick a card!"

"There's puke on them!"

"I know. PICK A DAMN CARD!" Hecate screamed.

The receptionist sighed and picked a card, but Hecate had already left.

"Guess where we're going," Persephone said.

"A magic show? Do I get to meet Harry Houdini?"

"Yeah."

Persephone dragged Hecate to the Underworld, where Harry Houdini was. He was just walking around, minding his own business, when he was stopped by Hecate.

"Tell me your secrets," she commanded.

Houdini looked at Persephone. "Queen Persephone, is she high?"

"Yeah. Now watch her while I get her drugs."


	7. The Not-So-Wise Athena

**So, should I do some while the gods are awake, or do you guys prefer them being asleep? Thanks for reviewing, everyone! I've gotten some requests for Athena…and here she is! Credit goes out to Owlion12 for the actual procedure in a pharmacy! Also, if anyone's had their wisdom teeth out, please tell me what happens before they knock you out (or, better yet, if you've been awake, what they do beforehand). I'LL GIVE YOU GUYS CREDIT IF YOU GIVE ME IDEAS! THANX!**

 **BTW, there will be some…uh…sex stuff in this story, but you guys kind of knew that was coming since the first chapter!**

 **CHAPTER 7: THE NOT-SO-WISE ATHENA**

"Athena, how are you?" asked Dr. King.

"Fine, thanks."

"How's your dad?"

"He's good."

"How's your mom?"

"Not here." That was true: Metis had been swallowed alive by Zeus a long-ass time ago.

As Dr. King was looking at Athena's teeth, he made comments (Athena was his favorite patient).

"Well, there's nothing wrong, sweetie," said Dr. King, "but your wisdom teeth are coming in, and I'd like for you to get them pulled as soon as possible."

"You just said there wasn't anything wrong," said Athena. "How unwise you are."

Dr. King ignored the comment and walked out of the room after handing Athena a pencil with hearts on it.

"So, Mr. Zeus, Athena's teeth look perfectly fine," said the dental hygienist after Athena's dentist appointment.

"So…that's it? We can leave now?" said Zeus, getting up from the chair he'd been sitting in.

"Oh, no," said the hygienist. "We took some x-rays of Athena's teeth, and—"

"Oh, gods!" said Zeus dramatically. "Let me guess. She's got a cavity."

"Mr. Zeus—"

"She needs a crown? Root canal? WHAT AREN'T YOU TELLING ME?!"

Athena slapped him hard across the arm. "Shut up, Dad."

"Okay."

"Athena's wisdom teeth are starting to come in, and Dr. King wants you to get them pulled ASAP."

"Isn't it weird how we go to a dentist named Dr. King, when I'm King of Olympus?" said Zeus.

"Shut up, Dad," Athena grumbled.

"Okay."

"Friday afternoon at one work?" the receptionist asked.

"Sure," said Athena, taking a look at her iPhone. "No. I thought I had a son of Poseidon I had to slice open and burn all his innards, but I guess that can wait."

"If you're talking about Jackson," said Zeus, "I want in on the fun."

As Zeus and Athena were heading home, Zeus looked at Athena. "Aren't you a little old to be getting pencils with hearts on it?"

"Dad, it's okay. He's the best dentist ever."

"Athena?"

"Dad?"

"Are you, like, in love with him or something?"

"EW!"

"Just asking," Zeus said.

When Friday afternoon hit, Zeus drove Athena to the dentist office for her extraction. Athena was very nervous, so Zeus offered to go in with her.

Zeus smirked as Athena signed herself in. "Does wittle Athena want Dada to in with her?" he cooed in a baby voice.

"Dad, just walk me in there and, when I'm asleep, you may walk out again," Athena snapped at her father. "And don't act like such a meanie, Dad. You'll have to get yours pulled eventually, too."

Zeus paled. "Yes. Yes I will have to…but not yet!" and he cackled.

"Excuse me, sir," said the receptionist, "we have other patients here. So shut the hell up."

"Athena, Dr. King's ready for you."

Athena followed the nurse back to the exam room. The nurse put a napkin on Athena and looked at her. "Are you sure you want to be put to sleep for this, honey?"

"Yes," Athena replied.

"All right," said the nurse.

Athena never actually saw Dr. King, because she was out before he walked in.

While Athena was getting poked and prodded by dental tools, Zeus was outside waiting for her.

Suddenly, Zeus saw a sexy woman walk in. She had blond hair, blue eyes, and a smile with perfect white teeth. Then Zeus got up and headed over to her. "Hey, honey," he flirted.

"Hi," the woman said, heading over to the desk.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Daphne."

"Your name's Greek."

"Yeah, I know." Daphne checked herself in and walked over to a coatrack, where she grabbed a nurse's jacket. Then she walked past Zeus again before heading into the exam area.

"You mind giving me a tour of your office?" Zeus asked, putting on his best oh-crap-I'm-lost face.

"Are you a new patient?" Daphne asked.

"Yes," Zeus lied. "My daughter's getting her teeth pulled, and I'm bored. But then I remembered I'm a new patient, so…yeah…"

"All right," Daphne said. "Follow me."

Everyone knows what Zeus wanted from Daphne, but he would have to wait until the right moment.

Daphne led Zeus past the room where Athena was. Athena was lying in the chair, asleep as ever as Dr. King did the surgery.

"So, this is the exam area," said Daphne, "and this is where we treat our patients. Over there's where all the tools are sterilized and stuff. And there's the bathroom." She turned to Zeus. "Any questions, sir?"

Zeus peered inside an empty exam room. "You wanna do it in the chair?"

To make a long story short, Zeus wasn't allowed back inside the office until Athena was done.

Zeus had been sitting outside on a bench, feeding those annoying birds called pigeons, when a nurse walked out. It wasn't Daphne. "Mr. Zeus," she said, "Athena's all done."

Zeus found himself staring at his high daughter. Athena's face was swollen and her hands were touching her hair like she thought something was wrong with it.

"Hi, honey," said Zeus, "Daddy's going to get you home."

"What's my name?" Athena asked.

"Athena," Zeus replied.

Dr. King handed Zeus a prescription. "Get that filled right away, Zeus. I'll see her in a week for a follow-up." He handed Athena a pencil with poke-a-dots on it and led them outside.

Athena and Zeus were on their way to the pharmacy, Athena sticking the pencil in her mouth and pulling it back out again. "This tastes good," she said slowly. "What day is it, Zeusy?"

"Friday," Zeus said. "And quit calling me _Zeusy_."

"Okay, Zeusy."

 _Just ignore it_ , Zeus thought. _She's high_.

They'd reached Target and Zeus dragged Athena inside.

"Why's there red stuff everywhere?" asked Athena as Zeus helped her to the desk.

"That's how the store was made, darling," Zeus said irritably. "Athena, what's one plus one?"

"Eighty-ten!" Athena shrieked.

"That's right. Now, what's eight plus one?"

"Zero!"

"Correct! Last question. If Zeus sleeps with Hera for five nights, how many babies will they have?"

Athena thought about it. "Are you on crack?"

"I might ask you the same question," Zeus said. "And here we are!" They'd finally gotten to the pharmacy.

The cashier was standing at the counter, eating a burger. "Hi, sir. How may I help you today?"

"I'm here for a prescription," said Zeus. "Her name's Athena."

"Last name, sir?"

"Uh…Wisdom."

The cashier returned. "Here it is. Would you like to speak to the head pharmacist?"

"Why the Hades would I do that?"

"Never mind, sir. Okay, here's the prescription. If you need anything, you can always call us or Dr. King."

"Thanks," Zeus said. Once he'd paid for the drugs, he turned to Athena. "Let's get home."

Once they were at Zeus' palace (Zeus had insisted on taking care of Athena for a few days, since she would be sore), Zeus put Athena on the couch and put in the worst movie of all time: Disney's "Hercules". Zeus liked it because they made him all buff, but Hera hated it because the chick who played Hera was British, and Hera was neither British…nor pink!

About halfway through the movie, Athena started crying. "I WANT MY MOMMY!" she screamed.

Zeus was reading the dosage on the bottle of pills. "No," he said in a monotone. "I ate her. She was good. I should've put some mustard on the side; that would've tasted much better!" He walked over to Athena. "All right. Daddy needs to change out your gauze. Open your mouth, Athena."

Hera walked into the room. "Zeus?"

"WHAT?!" he yelled. "I HATE YOU!"

"I know. The feelings are mutual," Hera snapped at her husband. "I just wanted to say that I thought I asked you to break that DVD of that insufferable movie."

"C'mon, Hera. You have a hot voice in that movie!" Zeus said.

"Hera's fat," Athena mumbled into the pillow.

"HAHAHA!" yelled Zeus. "That…is…a true fact!"

Hera slapped him and—for good measure—slapped Athena, too.

"You're stupid," Hera said to the pair of them.

Zeus sighed and clapped his hands. "Athena, how about some drugs?"


	8. Persephone Makes Flowers Bloom

**Thanks, everyone, for the reviews! Here's another chapter! Let me know if I should put the demigods in their own "sequel" after the gods! Enjoy!**

 **CHAPTER 8: PERSEPHONE MAKES FLOWERS BLOOM**

Hades was sitting calmly in his study, texting Thanatos.

HADES: Hey.

THANATOS: Hey.

HADES: Did you murder people yet?

THANATOS: There's this guy who's in the hospital in a coma…not sure what to do with him.

HADES: Kill him.

THANATOS: KK.

Hades was about to leave to go to the kitchen and get an orange or something, when the phone rang. "Hello?" he said.

"H-Hades?" Persephone's depressed voice rang. "I…I have some crap news for you."

"What is it?" Hades said.

"I have to get surgery!" Persephone screamed.

"On what? Your head?"

Persephone screamed a long list of cuss words in foreign, then continued. "No, you idiot! My wisdom teeth! I need to get them ripped out!"

"Where are you?" Hades asked her.

"I'm at the dentist," she said.

"For what?"

"A cleaning, Hades. I've already made my appointment in a week, and guess what?"

"I'm taking you."

"That is correct, good sir!" And Persephone hung up.

 _Why does she yell at me all the time_? Hades thought to himself.

A week later, Persephone and Hades headed into the dentist office. They were in a middle of an argument until the receptionist looked at them funny.

"I still don't see why you hate cereal!" Persephone yelled, causing several patients to glare at her from their seats.

"Cereal's gay!" Hades yelled. He meant "gay" as in "stupid".

Whether Persephone agreed with him is still a mystery, since she rolled her eyes, signed in, and took a seat near the back of the waiting room. Hades followed her.

He picked up a magazine entitled _The Walking Dead: All You Need to Know About Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse_. Hades shrugged and started reading. Persephone was reading her own junk, _Flowers and the Methods on Growing Them_.

"Persephone," Hades said, showing her the magazine, "do you think I should built a shelter?"

"Why?"

"Just in case a zombie apocalypse hits and I'm alone and have no family to love me."

"Why did I marry you again?"

"I kidnapped you," Hades reminded her.

A little girl ran over to Hades and kicked him. "You're a jerk," she told Hades.

"Hey!" Hades barked at her. "Don't call me that, or I shall come to your house and eat your soul!"

"Perse-phone!" a nurse said. "Is there a Perse-phone here?"

Persephone looked at her. "Did you mean _Persephone_?"

The nurse looked down at her chart. "Yep. Follow me, honey!"

"Good luck," Hades smirked at her. "I hope you die and come back as a better wife."

She kicked him on her way over to the nurse.

Persephone was led into a room. She sat down in the chair and stared up at the rectangular lights in the ceiling. Then she made the mistake of looking to her right, where she saw instruments of torture. She didn't know what they were called, but she felt lucky that she was being put to sleep.

"Dear?"

Persephone glanced at the nurse. "Huh?"

"I said are you allergic to anything?"

"Yeah. My husband."

But the nurse didn't laugh, so Persephone stopped doing crap jokes and sat back in the chair.

"Okay," said the nurse, putting a napkin around Persephone's neck, "Dr. Flowers will be in in a bit."

Soon Dr. Flowers came in. He wore pink scrubs and had blond hair. "Hi, Perse-phone."

Persephone loved Dr. Flowers only because of his last name…that's why she chose him. But he always pronounced her name wrong. It's not _Perse-phone_ , it's Per-SEPH-uh-nee!

"Is your name Greek?" he asked her.

Now, in case it wasn't clear before, Persephone had massive attitude that day. So, because she's such a smartass, she looked at the doctor and snapped: "No, I'm Malaysian."

"Oh. How wonderful," Dr. Flowers said, obviously not aware that Persephone was Greek. He kicked a button and the chair fell backwards. "Let's get started!"

Persephone was told to breathe some gas into her lungs…and she was out.

Meanwhile, Hades was sitting in the waiting room, reading the zombie apocalypse magazine. Suddenly, he noticed something weird: the date of the next predicted zombie apocalypse. It said that the next predicted zombie apocalypse was December 21, 2015.

"DAMMIT!" Hades screamed. "THAT'S WHEN THE WINTER COUNCIL MEETS! BALLS!" He cussed some more and announced to the almost-empty waiting room: "EVERYONE, A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE IS COMING IN DECEMBER OF THIS YEAR! MAKE PREPARATIONS TO MOVE TO NEPTUNE!"

An hour later, Persephone was sitting on the couch in the Palace of Hades. Hades was messaging her face while she moaned and groaned.

"Honey," Hades said, "how are you feeling?"

"I feel…really bad…" she said slowly. "How do _you_ feel?"

"I feel good," said Hades. "Oh, I wanted to—"

Persephone screamed and got down on the floor. "Mommy said no snugglies with Hades tonight! Or ever!"

"What?" Hades asked her.

"I said no snugglies! You're a bad, bad jerk-face and you suck!"

"Why thank you," said Hades. "But I'm used to that. I call Demeter a heartless bitch and—quite frankly—I love it!"

"I DON'T CARE, ASS!" Persephone kicked and punched Hades until he was bleeding ichor.

"Owie," Hades groaned. He ran to the counter to mop up the ichor and get Persephone's drugs. "Here, sweetheart. Here are your meds. Take them and leave me alone!"

Persephone downed the whole bottle of pills…all in one gulp. She snapped her fingers—like she was dancing to a song from "Pitch Perfect"—and fell on the ground in a pile of flowers.

Hades said, a little too late: "I think you're only supposed to take one."

But Persephone was unconscious.

 **Not the way I wanted to end it, but whatever. The middle part/beginning was funny, right? FYI, this is the last chapter that I'm going to write with the gods going to the mortal dentists. Owlion12 suggested I do some gods ripping out each other's teeth, so I'll try that for the rest of them. And they'll be awake…so be warned of crazy, high gods…again.**


	9. The Gods Aren't Qualified Doctors!

**All right…no one's getting tortured in this chapter. So, without further ado, here is the "explanation" of what the Hades is going on from here! Hope you like this!**

 **CHAPTER 9: THE GODS AREN'T QUALIFIED DOCTORS!**

After Athena's follow-up appointment the following week, Zeus wasn't sure about the mortal dentist thing. So that's why he called a meeting at six in the morning to discuss new plans.

"Zeus!" yelled Hera. "How dare you call a meeting this early? I'm tired!"

"Tough nuts," Zeus said.

"Ha-ha," Apollo smirked. "He said nuts."

"So, who hasn't had their teeth pulled yet?" Zeus asked. He and Hera raised their hands, as well as Apollo, Ares, Artemis, Dionysus, Hephaestus, and Hestia. "Excellent!" Zeus said happily. "Well, I don't like these mortal dentists very much. First of all, the nurses can't do small-talk. Secondly, they're expensive. I realize that we're gods and money doesn't matter too much, but still…" He glared at them all. "So, we'll be doing surgeries here!"

"This is gonna be a pain in the ass," said Ares.

"No, Ares," said Zeus, "just in pain in your jaw…and maybe your head. I realize that all of you aren't qualified to be dentists and assistants, but it doesn't matter. We're immortal; we cannot die!"

"How will this work, Lord Zeus?" Hestia asked from the hearth.

"Well, Hestia, I'm glad you asked!" Zeus said cheerfully. He snapped his fingers. A large book appeared. On its cover, there was a picture of the Empire State Building. "This is the appointment book. For those who haven't gotten their teeth pulled yet, you'll need to fill out a time. There shall be one appointment per day."

"Who are the doctors?" asked Hera.

"Well, we'll choose when we get the patients, dear," said Zeus. "So…yes, Apollo?"

"Are we using laughing gas or what?"

"Yes. You'll probably be just as high as though you were in the dentist chair on Earth. Anymore questions I need to waste my time answering?"

No one had anything else to say.

"Excellent!" Zeus threw the book on the floor. "Make your appointments now!"

Hephaestus ran as fast as he could to the appointment book, whipped out a pen, and signed his name for the following morning.

"Wow, lucky you," Ares smirked. "Wouldn't it be weird if you got Mom or Dad as your dentist?"

"Sure…maybe…I don't know." Hephaestus handed the pen to Ares, who signed up for an appointment, then handed the pen off to Hestia.

In the appointment book, there was a note:

 _Dear Olympians (and anyone else who wishes to go through absolute hell):_

 _Thank you for making your appointment! We hope you are well cared for by our doctors at the Olympian Medical Center (just some crazy name for the Throne Room now). Yeah, so basically, you'll be in a ton of pain for a while._

 _Have a nice day,_

 _Zeus, King of the Freaking Almighty Gods =)_


	10. Hephaestus Spills the Beans

**Okay, let's see how this goes. Some ideas, once again, from Owlion12. Are there any other gods/goddesses (who are pretty minor—I'm happy to do some research) you guys want me to do? Also, check out my poll on my profile page. Please answer it and I'll check it in a few days!**

 **CHAPTER 10: HEPHAESTUS SPILLS THE BEANS**

Hephaestus was feeling really nervous about his extraction. He'd rather go down to the mortal world to have his teeth pulled out at a mortal dentist office…but Zeus was the king, so what he says goes.

Zeus had set up a dentist office in the corner of the throne room. He usually called this the "time-out" area, in case some gods were being little craps and they needed to chillax. The office was complete with a chair, light, a sterilizing station, and a tool tray. Hephaestus had designed most of the tools. The office also had a waiting room, where the rest of the gods could await their pending doom.

Hephaestus sat on a crooked bench while he waited for his "dentist" to call him back. The office was behind a curtain, so Hephaestus had no idea who was going to do the procedure.

All of a sudden, a woman cleared her throat. He found himself staring in Hera's face.

Hera was wearing a nurse's uniform with butterflies on it…and it made her look awful! "Hephaestus," she said, "Dr. Athena will see you now."

Hera led Hephaestus into the office. Athena was sitting in a chair next to where Hephaestus would be sitting. "Good morning, Hephaestus," Athena said smartly. "Please sit in the chair."

Hephaestus sat in the chair. He regretted eating eight waffles for breakfast, because he felt like he wanted to blow chunks.

"So," said Hera, "since you're ugly as hell, this surgery probably won't affect you _too_ much."

"Uh…" Hephaestus said. "Will I be awake for this?"

Athena nodded. "But we'll give you some Novocain." That being said, she held out her hand and Nurse Hera handed her a giant needle.

Now Hephaestus wasn't scared of much…just the fact that every time he went to the bathroom the toilet blew up. But needles? Forget it!

"Is that thing going in my face or what?" he asked.

"Yes," Athena said. "Hera, please give him some nitrous oxide. He is stressed out."

Hera forced Hephaestus to breathe in the laughing gas. Soon, Hephaestus was higher than the moon. He was numb, because Athena had given him a few shots of Novocain. And Hera just sat there and smirked every time Hephaestus kicked because of the shot going into his face.

About halfway through the procedure, Athena was about to pull out one of Hephaestus' teeth, when Hephaestus pushed her hand away. "Athena," he said, "I feel like this is the right moment for me to tell you something important."

"What would that be?" Athena asked, setting the forceps down.

"I just wanted to tell you that I have a diary, and I remember the first time I ever wrote in it. It was about me confessing my love to you. I love you, Athena. Will you marry me?"

"Gods!" Athena yelled. "No! And just for that, I won't let you rinse until all four of your teeth are out!"

"I like how you treat him," Hera said. "I should listen to you more often."

When Hephaestus had a myriad amount of cotton balls in his face, Athena turned to him. "Here. This is a prescription. Take that to Apollo. He should have your meds ready for you."

Hephaestus made the kissy-face at her.

"OUT!" Hera screamed at him.

Hephaestus walked out of the room, singing: "I like big boobs and I cannot lie…"

Hephaestus headed over to the Olympic Pharmacy, where Apollo would be working until everyone's teeth had been pulled.

"H-hey there, sunshine," Hephaestus told him. "Can I get five burgers with ranch dressing on them?"

"Uh…I sell drugs," Apollo said. "Do you have your prescription, Heph?"

"Yes. Athena said I need some weed."

"Not those kind of drugs."

"Apollo, I gots a song for ya." Hephaestus began to sing. "I like big boobs and I cannot lie. You other gods can't deny…"

"Okay, shut up," said Apollo. "Here's your medicine, Heph. I know who you are, so it doesn't matter if I ask who it is."

Hephaestus stumbled into the throne room and held the bottle up to Athena, who was filling out some paperwork for wisdom reasons (she wasn't playing dentist anymore).

"Why, Hephaestus," she said. "You look awful."

"Here's your weed, Athena!" Hephaestus yelled, running away and taking the pills with him.

Athena shrugged and went back to her work.

 **Okay, I must explain something here. I have had 11 teeth pulled, and I was awake for all of them! The first couple of times, they gave me Novocain and laughing gas, and the nitrous didn't kick in until AFTER I left the office, so I was high and numb on the way home. My dad was telling me this a few weeks ago…and I was pretty embarrassed by it, too!**


	11. Ares Beats His Doctors Up

**Owlion12, thanks for all your help…again!**

 **CHAPTER 11: ARES BEATS HIS DOCTORS UP**

Ares was a badass, and that's pretty much all he was. Oh, and he was a coward, which doesn't really look good for him.

Ares' appointment was the week after Hephaestus' and he wasn't too happy about it. Hera and Zeus forced him to go next, because they knew what kind of stuff he would do afterwards…and they wanted to get it over with ASAP.

The night before the procedure, Ares was playing _God of War_ , when his kids walked in.

"Dad?" Phobos said.

"What?" Ares snapped.

"When you're high tomorrow, can we go out to eat?"

"No!"

"Okay." Phobos and Deimos left the room and Ares kept playing _God of War_.

The following morning, bright and early, Ares headed to the throne room. He only had to wait thirty seconds before Asclepius appeared in front of him. "Hello, Ares."

"Hey, you sucky god of medicine."

Asclepius glared at him. "Dr. Apollo's ready for you."

Once Ares was seated in the chair with the napkin around him, Apollo turned on the light and looked down at him. "So," he said, "because I am the god of sexy awesomeness, Zeus told me to do the extraction today. Is there anything you want me to know before we do anything, Ares?"

"Yeah. I'm tough and cool, so that means I want no drugs or pain killers whatsoever, dammit!" Ares yelled.

Apollo and Asclepius looked at each other.

"Ares," Apollo said, "I want to let you know that this'll be _extremely_ painful without Novocain."

"And you will remember _everything_ we do to you," Asclepius said sternly.

"Whatever!" Ares yelled. "I am the god of freaking war! I need nothing! You will do this PAIN-KILLER-FREE!"

"Dude, chill," said Apollo. "We won't give you anything."

"Good, punk."

So Apollo began working. He handed the needles back to Asclepius, who stored them away in a nearby drawer. Apollo picked up some forceps and looked down at Ares. "Open up."

Ares opened his mouth wide and Apollo began to pull out one of his wisdom teeth. Ares didn't make a sound, but he kicked a few times. Apollo finally stopped after he'd extracted two teeth.

"Uh…Ares?" Apollo asked. "Are you…crying?"

"YES!" Ares yelled. "IT'S SO PAINFUL!"

"Yeah, that's the beauty of modern medicine, stupid," Asclepius snapped. "We can make any procedure painless. I remember when I had to give Zeus a colonoscopy, and he was out for the whole thing. He doesn't even remember going home."

"Ares…" Apollo said, "…what are you—"

Ares sat up immediately, pushed the light out of the way, and grabbed both gods by the neck. "We're gonna play a little game called Who Fades First. I will beat your heads together, and you two fall unconscious. If I'm lucky enough, you'll fade." So Ares pushed the gods' heads together and they passed out.

Ares rinsed several times, wiped his nose on Apollo's lab coat, and ran back to his palace, screaming like a little girl. When he got home, he sat on his butt and played _God of War_.

"Dad?" Phobos and Deimos said in unison, walking into the living room.

"Yes?" Ares asked thickly.

"Dad? I thought you wouldn't be home for another hour," said Phobos.

"Well, I got a little scared, so I left."

"Dad!" Deimos shrieked. "Dad, you can't just run out of a dentist appointment!"

"I just did. So there!" Ares said the F word eighty-nine times before finishing the game. "Boys, I want you to make me another dentist appointment so I get my other two teeth pulled."

 **ONE WEEK LATER…**

Ares sat in the chair, staring up at Apollo and Asclepius.

"All right, I'm going to ask this one last time," Apollo said warily. "Are you _positive_ you don't want anything?"

"Yeah, punk," Ares snapped.

"Okay. But you can't leave this time," Apollo said, turning the light on. "And just so we're sure you DON'T, Hephaestus made these magical belts. They'll keep you still you don't move on us. And you can't escape, either."

Ares flinched as Asclepius snapped his fingers. Thick, black cords wrapped around Ares, holding him to the chair.

I'd like to say that Ares didn't scream, cry, or kick, but he did all that stuff. He yelled, "MOMMY!" fifty-seven times. He yelled: "DADDY!" forty-two times. And he yelled: "OW!" nine times. I know these stats because Asclepius wrote everything Ares said down.

Finally, Apollo was finished. He told Ares to take it easy for a few days, gave him a prescription, and sent him on his way.

That night, Ares the coward was at Zeus and Hera's palace for dinner.

"How was your surgery, son?" Zeus asked. The King and Queen of Olympus knew Ares had to do the procedure in two visits, not one. Neither of them were surprised, because Ares has always done that.

"It was horrible," Ares moaned.

"We heard you yelling all the way from the throne room," Hera said. She turned to Zeus. "Remember his first dentist visit, dear?"

"Don't remind me," said Zeus. "Ares, when you were a little god—even back then you were a jerk to everyone—we took you to the dentist for your first cleaning. Guess what you did?"

"What?" Ares snapped.

"You took that suction thing and stuck it up your nose," Hera snarled, "swallowed a few cotton balls, and broke the bulb in the light. They kicked us out…and we punished you."

"What did I have to do?" Ares asked her.

"You had to run around Olympus naked for a month," Zeus smirked. "And what a month it was."

Ares was pissed…he didn't like it when his parents made him run around Olympus naked…and that happened a lot.


	12. Zeus is the King!

**Thank you all so much for your reviews! This chapter's going to be a little different. Zeus will be telling his story!**

 **For those who don't know what topical is, it's that nasty gel the dentist gives you before you get the Novocain. I never get good flavors; I always get cherry!**

 **CHAPTER 12: ZEUS IS THE KING!**

 **ZEUS' POV**

I woke up the morning after Ares' surgery, and went to go make some breakfast for me and my lovely wife (that was sarcasm). As I was making some eggs, I felt a stabbing pain in my jaw. I made a noise that sounded like a cross between a grunt and a squeal.

"Oh, that was very manly," Hera snapped from the couch.

"Sorry, dearest queenie," I snapped back. "My jaw hurts."

"Well, good thing your surgery's tomorrow," Hera smirked. What was she hiding from me now? "And we're going to Rhea's house tonight for dinner."

Rhea had invited her six kids over for dinner that night, so we happily agreed to go. I was hoping she'd have some nectar so I could get out of the world of hurt, but I remembered that my appointment was the following morning. Why bother?

Later that day, we were all sitting 'round Rhea's table. Rhea was serving us our favorite meal—pasta. As usual, Hestia and Poseidon were talking about one thing, while Hades and Demeter were having an argument over the usual subject—Persephone.

"Why did you take my baby away from me?" Demeter yelled, stabbing her noodles.

"She's…hot!" Hades yelled back. "And all you ever do is nag her about stuff anyway, Cereal Freak!"

This didn't last for too long because Rhea said, "All right, children. Who wants dessert?"

I swear on the Styx, as soon as she said _dessert_ , everyone at the table shut up.

Rhea smiled. "That's what I thought."

She passed around some brownies. I took a bite of one and chewed it, though it was very painful.

Demeter glowered at Hades. "Did you eat your cereal this morning?"

Hades got down on one knee and looked up toward the sky. "O, Kronos, why didn't I stay in your stomach? I have to endure this crap all day! Please eat me once again!" After saying his "prayer", Hades sat down. "No, I didn't eat my cereal this morning!"

"I'm _very_ disappointed in you," Demeter said icily.

"Zeus? Why aren't you eating Mommy's brownies?" Rhea asked, putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Teeth hurt," I said. And, despite the fact that I'm the king and need to act cool around my own mother, I started crying.

"Oh, Zeusy!" Rhea cooed. "I think you need your teeth pulled!"

"His appointment's tomorrow," Hera smirked.

"Hera," Rhea chided, "be nice. Your brother isn't feeling well." She took my brownie away and came back with a Popsicle. "Here, honey. It's grape. Your favorite flavor!"

The following morning, I went into the throne room, scared as Hades (not the guy, you know what I meant). I sat down a picked up a godly magazine and started humming to myself. (The magazine was called _Ten Reasons Why Zeus and Hera Shouldn't Be King and Queen of the Cosmos_.) I didn't care because my teeth were killing me.

"Uh…Lord Zeus?"

Hestia was smiling in front of me. Somehow, I felt peaceful, since Hestia always made me feel calm inside. But as soon as she led me into the office, my pain came back.

My lovely wife Hera was the dentist today! Oh, crap!

"Hello, my ass of a husband," Hera said. "Are you ready for your operation?"

I shrugged and sat in the chair. Hestia put a napkin around my neck.

I glared up at Hera. "If you don't do a good job, queenie, I shall send you to the depths of…of…" Oh, no! I'm out of fictional places I could send her. "I'LL EAT YOUR SOUL!" I yelled.

Hera didn't say anything. She kicked a button and the chair fell backwards. "Don't worry, Zeusy," she cooed evilly, snapping some gloves on her hands, "I'll take _excellent_ care of you." She turned to Hestia. "Nurse Hestia, please give me the topical."

Hestia handed Hera four sticks, which Hera stuck in my mouth. It tasted like cherries that had been sitting out for five years. I wanted to puke, but then Hera would divorce me, and I'd die alone. There were two problems with that theory: one was that Hera would _never_ leave me because she's the goddess of marriage; two was that I couldn't die because I'm a god! DUH!

Hera looked down at me. "Zeus, this is my revenge on _you_ for all those chicks you knocked up."

"So?" I snapped.

"No talking!" Hera yelled at me. She put something over my face and I breathed it in.

Thirty minutes later, I was so high that I only knew my name and that I was king of the world. I was numb, too, so when I talked, I ended up drooling half the time.

 **HESTIA'S POV**

After Hera was done with the extraction, I handed Zeus some water, but he dribbled it out before he could rinse.

"You're all done," I told him in a gentle tone.

Zeus was really high, so when he talked, I got scared.

"Where am I?" he asked.

"You're in a dentist chair," Hera told him.

Zeus touched his head. "I'M THE FREAKIN' KING!" he screamed and looked at Hera. "Thanks for doing that, Dr. Vesta!"

Okay, that was weird. That's my Roman name.

Zeus looked at Hera. "Did I mention that I'm the king?"

"Only a million times a day," Hera told him.

Zeus shrugged. Hera had turned off the light, but Zeus turned it back on, shining it in hs face. Then he stood up. "Bow to me! _NOW_!"

"Uh…" I said.

"NOW!" he screamed.

Hera and I bowed to him.

Zeus calmed down. "Am I married?"

"Yes," Hera said, standing up.

"Oh." Zeus hopped down from the chair and stumbled out of the throne room. "I'M COMING, LETO!"

Hera and I ran after him. We eventually found Zeus sitting on Artemis' throne.

"Ladies," Zeus slobbered, "this is my wife Leto. She's hot." He glanced at Apollo's throne. "That's my son Hercules. He's all buff…and sexy…just like me."

Hera looked like she wanted to puke, but she held it together rather well. "C'mon, Zeus. Let's go get you some medicine."

And they left me to clean up the office.

 **Okay, that was a fun chapter to write! Should I do more awake gods?**


	13. Artemis Gets Apollo's Number

**According to my outline, Artemis is next, so here she is…oh gods this will be interesting!**

 **CHAPTER 13: ARTEMIS GETS APOLLO'S NUMBER**

Artemis—one day—was shooting with her Hunters, when Hermes came flying down on his magic carpet (just kidding, he just came flying down).

"Uh…Artemis," Hermes said, taking out the appointment book, "it says here that you're late for your extraction."

"Crap!" Artemis yelled. "Hunters! Assemble!"

The Hunters of Artemis circled around her and listened closely.

"Okay, I'm late for an appointment, so I'll make this quick." Artemis inhaled deeply. "Thalia, watch them while I do this surgery thing; Phoebe, run to the store and spend as little money as possible on s'mores supplies; Mystery, your name is weird; Elaine, set up camp elsewhere—I'll find you eventually." Artemis glared at them all. "Yep. That's all. See you girls later!" And she ran off with Hermes.

Once they got to Olympus, Artemis sat on the bench outside of the office. She had just sat down when Asclepius appeared in front of her. "Hello, Artemis," he said. "Dr. Apollo's ready for you."

"Oh…can't someone else do the procedure?" asked Artemis. "I hate boys." She was now sitting in the chair.

"Sorry, sis," Apollo said, giving her a playful smile. "I'm just going to—"

"NO!" Artemis screamed. "You're going to have to put me to sleep before you put your boy hands in my mouth!"

"Aw, c'mon, sis!" Apollo said, putting his gloves on and turning on the light, "I know what I'm doing. If I didn't, Zeus wouldn't have put me in charge of your surgery." He paused. "Uh…I wasn't supposed to mention that."

Before Artemis could answer, Asclepius put a breathing mask over her face and Artemis was high from that point on.

As soon as Apollo started working, Artemis started giggling. She did some crazy crap: telling Apollo she loved him and how she wanted to marry him. Apollo knew that this was the gas talking, because Artemis would _never ever_ tell him that.

Once Apollo was done, Artemis sat up and rinsed. She looked inside the sink. "What's this beautiful red stuff coming out of me?"

"Uh, sis, that's called blood," Apollo told her.

"What does it do?" she said, putting her fingers in her mouth.

"It circulates your body and feeds your hungry organs and stuff," said Apollo, "and don't put your hands in your mouth or you'll bleed even more."

"You're so amazing!" Artemis squealed. "I'll have to get your number so we can go on a date. Here." She took out her iPhone and handed it to Apollo. "Gimme your number, Dr. Sunshine."

Apollo shrugged and punched his number into Artemis' iPhone. "Here." He handed the phone back to her and handed her a bottle of pills for the pain. "Well…off you go."

Artemis skipped out of the throne room and headed back to her Hunters. When she found them, they all swarmed around her like a bunch of bugs.

"Lady Artemis," Thalia said. "How…how'd it go?"

"Dr. Sunshine is so hot," said Artemis.

"Artemis, I think you've been drugged too much," Phoebe said.

"Nuh-uh," Artemis giggled, sitting on a random log that just so happened to be there. "He was cute. I got his number." And she showed them the number.

"That's Apollo's number!" Thalia screamed.

"So?"

"Why would you date your own brother?"

"Sometimes I can't help it!" Artemis got the bottle of pills out and showed the other Hunters. "Okay, my chicks. This is a bottle of M&Ms. You may each have two, but that's all!"

"Lady Artemis, those are for your pain," said Mystery.

"NO THEY'RE NOT!" Artemis screamed. She started crying. The laughing gas was starting to wear off. "I want my mommy," she sobbed into Thalia's shoulder.

"We'll get your mommy for you," Thalia said. "Mystery, come with me!"

As the two Hunters were walking off to find Leto, Thalia smirked. "I'm not getting her mommy," she said.

 **Yeah, sorry. It sucked.**


	14. Hera Adopts a Peacock

**Thanks for all the favorites, follows, and reviews, guys! They really make my day!**

 **CHAPTER 14: HERA ADOPTS A PEACOCK**

Hera had no idea who her dentist was going to be, but she had a bad feeling about going to the Olympian Dentist Office (that's the new name now).

Hera got up and got dressed. She didn't eat, because Mother Rhea had told her eating before surgery was a bad idea. So Hera didn't eat, although she really wanted to.

When she woke up, Zeus wasn't lying next to her. _Probably went off with some mortal_ , she thought as she was grabbing the keys to the palace.

She headed down the street to the throne room, where she waited for her name to be called. Then a magazine caught her eye. So she picked it up. It was called _HERA SUCKS: WHY NO ONE LIKES THE BITCHY QUEEN OF OLYMPUS!_

"WHO WROTE THIS?!" Hera screamed. Then she looked around. "Oh…this is awkward. No one's here."

Then she heard two gods yelling on the other side of the curtain where the chair was.

"Uh…hello!" one god's voice yelled. "I'm doing the surgery today, not you! You know, Athena's right about you, Poseidon! You're a seaweed brain!"

"Well, you're a gay sky god who has forgotten how to get romantic with his own wife."

"Hera!" the first voice yelled. "Come on back!"

Hera got up and brought the magazine with her. When she got into the chair, she looked at the two gods who would be doing the surgery today. Zeus was sitting on her right, a tool tray in front of him. He was wearing sky-blue scrubs and had a mask around his neck so he could put it on later. Poseidon sat on Hera's left, wearing green scrubs with fish on them. He was playing with that water squirting tool.

"Welcome, my dear queen," said Zeus, "to the show I like to call _Torturing Hera in the Dental Chair_! Today's episode will follow the life and torture of Hera, Queen of the Gods, goddess of marriage and children…and—for some reason—stars and constellations. I still don't get why you got that job."

"I still don't get why you go off cheating on me every second of the day," Hera snapped. "But some things will still be a mystery."

"Yes," said Zeus, "yes, they will be. Okay, honey, we're going to take those wisdom teeth out today, and then you'll be stupid." Zeus laughed. "Just kidding. You're already stupid!"

Poseidon put the napkin around Hera's neck and Zeus kicked a button that made the chair go backwards.

"Before you start," Hera glared at her husband, "I want to know who wrote this article!" She shoved the magazine under Zeus' nose.

Zeus looked it over, then began to read: " _Hera, the Queen of Olympus, sucks. According to her husband Zeus, 'I'm constantly crawling under rocks because I'm THAT afraid of her'._ Well, at least they got the quote right."

Hera glared at him some more.

"Hermes wrote it," Zeus said sheepishly. "But I told him to." He turned the light on. "You want just Novocain, just laughing gas, or both?"

"Both," Hera said.

Poseidon gave Zeus some topical and Zeus gave it to Hera. It was grape-flavored, and it tasted nasty! Soon after, Zeus gave Hera the Novocain. He did it really slowly so that Hera would feel horrible. Then Poseidon gave her some laughing gas, and they waited for everything to kick in.

While they waited, Zeus struck up a conversation. "Last night, I knocked up a hot chick," he said, playing with a pair of forceps. "Guess what her name was?"

"Was it Leto?" Poseidon asked.

"Yep. She's fun in bed," said Zeus, smiling at Hera.

Hera was still able to understand stuff, so she hit Zeus, and he hit her back.

"Wow, such abuse," said Poseidon.

"It's a joke," Zeus told him. He picked up the forceps. "LET US BEGIN THE TORTURE!"

Once Hera's teeth were extracted, Poseidon gave Hera some water. She was still mad at Zeus, so she spat a mouthful of bloody water at him. Zeus just shook his head and gave her the prescription.

Once Hera had gotten her prescription, she headed for the zoo because she had nothing better to do with her time (besides beating up Heracles, but she got bored of that too easily). Suddenly, she saw a beautiful bird walking toward her. It spread its feathers and said _KA-KAW, KA-KAW_!

Hera, whose mouth was packed with gauze, looked at the peacock as it was showing off its coolness. "Hewo, Mr. Peacock," Hera cooed. "My name is Hewa. Do you wanna come home wiff me?"

Before the peacock said anything, Hera picked it up and flew back to Olympus.

"ZEUSY!" Hera yelled. "COME SAY HELLO TO MY NEWEST, BESTEST FRIEND!"

Zeus walked out of the kitchen. "Oh, what a shocker. You brought home a peacock."

"His name is Jerry," said Hera. "He's eighty-ten years old, and he likes me. He told me so."

"Did he now?" Zeus said. "Well, I don't like him!" And Zeus zapped Jerry.

Hera kicked him, spat the gauze out at him, and ran to her room.

A few hours later, Hera was coming to. The only part of the day she remembered was Zeus giving her Novocain and reading an offensive magazine. That's it. Nothing else.

"HERA!" yelled Zeus from downstairs. "I'M GOING TO ARES' HOUSE TO PLAY! Come take your pills!"

Hera shrugged and headed downstairs.

"My mouth hurts," she ranted. "What did you do?"

"The Great Zeuster has yanked the queen's wisdom teeth out," said Zeus. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go knock up Aphrodite."

But at that point, Hera had passed out because the pills had made her extremely tired. Zeus shrugged and left her on the couch. Then he turned on "Hercules".

When Hera awoke, she saw a pink girl on the screen. "Who in Hades?"

The pink girl was looking at an orange, buff guy, and she was holding a baby.

TV Hera looked at Real Hera. "I am British Hera," British Hera said. "I have come to destroy you!"

Hera awoke with a start. What happened to her? Nothing; it was all a dream.

Hera got off the couch and went to the pill bottle Zeus put on the kitchen table. It had side effects, including nausea, uncontrollable giggling, obnoxious temper tantrums, bloating, thinking you're pregnant, and strange dreams.

That night, Hera went to bed, hoping the next day would go smoothly. Apollo had told her that those weren't actually the right pills, but pills that would make her crazy (because Zeus had prescribed them to her). Anyway, once Hera had gotten the _real_ pills down, she felt much better…and she didn't talk to Zeus for three weeks.

 **Wow, how was that one? That was a completely random chapter, but I hope you guys liked it.**

 **Zeus: I'm sorry for all the sexual stuff I said. I told her to put it in there!**


	15. Dionysus Isn't Drunk (Or High)

**CHAPTER 15: DIONYSUS ISN'T DRUNK (OR HIGH)**

So far, the Olympian wisdom teeth extraction thingies were going rather well, and they'd somehow gotten some minor gods to get theirs out, too. Now it was Dionysus' turn, and he knew he wouldn't like his dentists.

He at least liked one of them. The assistant—not the dentist—was Hephaestus, god of the freaking forges. But who was his dentist?

Dionysus was sitting on his fat butt on the crooked bench, when Hephaestus came out to get him for the surgery. "Hi, Dionysus," he said jovially. "How are you this fine afternoon?"

"I would be better if I weren't stuck at that damn camp for silly half-blood peons," came Dionysus' reply.

"I'll take that as an _I'm okay_ ," said Hephaestus. "So, before I take you back, I'm not supposed to tell you who the dentist is, so I'll do this next part in secret. It's a dude. He wants to know if you want Novocain or laughing gas."

"Can I have both?" Dionysus asked.

"Sure," Hephaestus said, writing it down on his clipboard.

"And can you give me a lot? My life sucks, so it doesn't matter how much you give me…as long as I fade quickly." Dionysus was suicidal now.

"Um, no," said Hephaestus. "We'll give you a dosage of it, but you'll be able to eat and act normal in a few hours. Come with me."

Hephaestus led Dionysus into the office, where Dionysus sat down in the chair. "So," he said, looking around the office, "where's the dentist?"

"He had to pee," said Hephaestus. "He'll be in—"

"All right! I'm here!"

"—now."

A buff dude walked in and glared at Dionysus. He already had his mask and gloves on, and he was carrying a tray of dentist tools. Dionysus saw some pretty scary stuff on there. He didn't even know what half of them did.

The dude set the tools down on the tool tray…and he set them down hard so some of them fell off. The guy just picked them up and put them back on the tray. Then he took the seat next to Dionysus. "Heph, gimme the chart!" he demanded.

Hephaestus gave Dr. Buff Guy Dionysus' chart. The dentist looked over it for a few moments, then turned to Dionysus. "So, punk," he said, "you're here for your extraction, correct?"

"Yeah, Ares."

"Good guess, punk. All right. Open wide so we can get this over with."

Once Ares had given Dionysus the Novocain and the laughing gas, they waited patiently. When Ares was sure Dionysus was numb, he started to pull Dionysus' teeth out.

"Uh…Ares," Hephaestus said.

"WHAT?!" Ares screamed.

"That's the wrong tooth."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I'll pull whatever the hell I wanna pull. So shut up and play with your own tools."

Hephaestus took that vacuum thing that sucks your spit out and put it up his nose. "This feels weird." He then put it in his ear. "I love it!"

"Good for you," Ares snapped, yanking out the final wisdom tooth. "Uh…Heph, I need that sucky thing."

"Oh. Right." Hephaestus took the vacuum out of his ear and put it in Dionysus' mouth.

"RINSE!" Ares boomed. "Now, as long as you're not feeling dizzy or whatever, you may leave. Get out."

Dionysus stood up surprisingly well. He didn't even stumble on the way out of the throne room.

"Ares, he's not high," said Hephaestus.

"Yeah. I know." Ares rounded on him. "Did you give him all of the gas?"

"Yeah, but I guess he's the wine god, so I guess it doesn't affect him."

Meanwhile, Dionysus—whose face was numb and stuff with gauze—walked into the Big House at Camp Half-Blood. He banged on Chiron's door.

Chiron appeared with pink curlers in his tail. "Hello, Mr. D."

"Hello, Chiron," said Dionysus. "I'm finished." Remember, he had gauze, so it sounded like: "Herro, Chiwon. I finissed."

"Wow, you haven't been affected by the nitrous?"

"Nope. 'Cause I'm the wine dude," said Dionysus. "I'm going off to play Pac-Man. See ya!" And he ran off.

 **Yeah, it was short, I know. I couldn't think of any ideas for Dionysus…he's so…BLAH! At any rate, tell me if you want me to do more minor gods/Titans/primordial beings. I don't mind doing the research…seriously. So far, I have Gaea, Nyx, Nemesis, Eros, and Hebe.**


	16. Hades Announces the End of the World

**CHAPTER 16: HADES ANNOUNCES THE END OF THE WORLD**

Hades hadn't been to the dentist in a while, and he was about to make an appointment when his phone went off. It was his annoying mother-in-law Demeter.

"Pizza Palace," Hades said.

"Shut up, you ungrateful—"

"What, Demeter?"

"I'll be doing your extraction tomorrow, and you'd better get up here right now so Trip and I can examine you!"

"What?"

"You need a consultation, you moron!" Demeter screamed at him. "You deserve all this torture for taking my daughter." And she hung up.

Hades thought he'd just better go to Olympus and get this over with. After all, Demeter was his older sister, and he knew that he needed to respect his elders, even if they never respected him.

So the Loser of the Dead headed up to the throne room. He was stopped by Zeus. "Hey, man," Zeus said. "It doesn't look like winter outside. So why are you here?"

"Uh…wisdom teeth consultation."

"Oh." Zeus smirked. "I hope Demeter doesn't nag you about anything."

"Yeah…but she probably will," Hades said sadly.

"You're making me want to cry," Zeus said. "Get in the waiting area and read the awful magazines I have provided."

Hades sat on the bench and picked up a magazine entitled _Why I Hate Hades: An Article About My Awful Brother, Lord of the Dead_. Hades sighed and began to read the magazine.

"Go get him, Trip," said Demeter. "I'll be right in."

Triptolemus walked out and glared at Hades. "Hi, Lord Hades," he said. "Come with me."

Triptolemus led Hades into the exam room. Triptolemus sat in the dental assistant's chair and looked at Hades. "Uh, you sit in the big chair," he said.

Hades was a little apprehensive about sitting in the chair. He didn't brush his teeth everyday (that's probably another reason why Persephone hates him), and he hadn't flossed since the gods moved to France. And when he wanted to make an appointment for a cleaning, he couldn't get in because the secretaries kept telling him that they didn't do that kind of stuff in ancient times.

Hades, as nervous as he was, sat in the dentist chair. He hadn't seen Demeter yet, so hopefully that was a good thing. Trip put a napkin on him and Hades freaked out. "What in the name of the zit on Kronos' ass is this for?"

"So you don't slobber all over your robes," said Triptolemus.

"Aren't you supposed to be farming?" asked Hades.

"Yeah, but anytime Demeter asks me to do stuff, I feel obligated to do it." Trip stared at Hades. "Ya know, maybe I won't hate you so much if you became my apprentice. We could make wheat and sorghum grow."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Hades said. Then he heard the clicking of heels. "What's that noise?"

"Probably Demeter," said Trip. "Oh, I mean _Dr._ Demeter."

Demeter walked into the room, wearing a white lab coat over a green dress. She smiled at Hades, but her smile was evil, like she was thinking about all the cereal she'd make Hades eat later.

"Hello, Hades," Demeter said in a sickly-sweet voice, "how are you this fine day?"

"Get it over with," said Hades. "I have souls to torture."

"I'll just assume you're fine then," Demeter said. She pushed Hades back in the chair, turned on the light, snapped on her gloves, and picked up some tools. "Open your mouth, Hades," Demeter snarled.

Hades knew this would be more than just a consultation; it was more of a dentist exam. Demeter looked at each of his teeth. Finally, she looked at him. "Hades, Hades, Hades," she said. "You're going to have to brush better. You've got, like, nine cavities."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!" Hades screamed at her.

"Because I'm a mom." Demeter sighed. "And when was the last time you flossed?"

"Can't remember," said Hades.

Demeter sighed again. "You'll need to come back for a cleaning, Hades. In the meantime, we'll see you tomorrow for your appointment."

"You know, if you become a farmer," Triptolemus said from his seat, "you'll be one of Demeter's great friends."

"Yeah, I can't even imagine what we'd do all day," Hades said, getting out of the chair. "I hate you both." And he walked off.

The following afternoon, Hades went back up to see the farming nerds. Trip called him back once again and Demeter snarled at him.

"So," she said, "we'll give you some Novocain and laughing gas. But first I have to ask you some health questions." She looked at her clipboard. "Did you eat your cereal this morning?"

"No." Hades rolled his eyes.

"Did you brush your teeth this morning?"

"Yes, but I did it real quick so I could torture dead people."

"Mm-hmm, and did you floss last night like I told you to?"

"No."

Demeter sighed, put the clipboard to the side, and glanced at Triptolemus. "Trip, can you give me the topical?"

Trip was about to hand her the topical, but Demeter shook her head. "No, sweetie. The _other_ topical. The one in the drawer."

Trip opened the drawer and brought out a bottle of topical. He squirted it on four sticks and handed it to Demeter, who gave it to Hades. Once Hades tasted it, he gagged. "What in the name of Persephone's flower-patterned bra is this?"

"It's topical so you won't feel the needle going in," Trip said.

"Although I'm not sure why I gave it to you," Demeter said, reaching for the needles. "You're such a jerk."

"What flavor is this?" Hades choked.

"Wheat flavored," Demeter said cheerfully. "Now hold still so I can inject this drug into you." And she gave Hades the Novocain. Shortly after that, she gave him the laughing gas. Hades was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY high at this point.

The surgery took hardly any time at all. Instead of doing them one at a time, Demeter and Trip did it at the same time. So instead of pulling out for teeth by herself, Demeter only had to do two.

"All right, Trip," Demeter said, "when I say _three_ , we'll pull them! One…two…THREE!"

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Hades screamed.

"You deserved that," said Demeter, "for taking my daughter."

"Can't you just accept the fact that she's my wife?" Hades snapped, spitting blood all over Demeter's face.

Demeter casually wiped her face off.

"Demeter, at least she's with you three-fourths of the year," Trip said.

"Who's side are you on?" Demeter roared. "Give Hades some water, then we're going to have a long talk about what it means to be my lieutenant."

Once Hades was done with surgery, he headed down to the mortal world to a news broadcasting station. There was a guy doing a news story, so Hades waited patiently.

"Good afternoon, New York. My name is Charles Summers with weather, and it looks like we're going to have some—"

Hades couldn't wait anymore. He burst into the studio, just as Mr. Summers was doing his weather predictions.

"Uh…hi?" Mr. Summers said.

"Hi," Hades slobbered all over the microphone. "My name is Bob. Can I make a quick announcement, sir?"

"Sure," said Mr. Summers. "Go for it."

"Thanks," Hades drooled. "Hey, guys! My name is Bob, and I'm here to tell you about the zombie apocalypse coming in thirty-ten-twenty-four seconds! Yay! I love you all!" And he left the studio.

Hades ran into the street, where he sat on a bench and started crying. A woman walked up to him. "Oh, are you lost?"

"Yes," Hades said. "But I have to go to Hell because there's a zombie apocalypse coming."

"Oh, honey." The woman put a hand on Hades' shoulder. "There's no apocalypse coming. C'mon. We'll get you some help."

The woman led Hades to a mental hospital, where she went to find a doctor. When the doctor came out to get him, Hades stood up and said quietly, "Where are you, Demeter? I want to eat you! Yummy, yummy!"

"Sir?" the doctor said. "Who's Demeter?"

As if she heard mortals talking about her, Demeter appeared in front of them, holding a bottle of pills. She waved her hand and the doctor passed out cold. Then she rounded on Hades. "All right, you walked out of there so fast I forgot to give you these." She handed Hades a pill and a glass of water.

Once Hades took the pill, he was back to reality. "What…where am I?"

"Long story," Demeter said. "Come back to my palace and we'll talk about it over some cereal."


	17. Gaea Becomes Friends with the Gods

**Sorry it took a couple of days to write! I just threw a Memorial Day party, and I was very busy with stuff…So, here's chapter 17!**

 **CHAPTER 17: GAEA BECOMES FRIENDS WITH THE GODS**

Gaea—our favorite Earth Mother—was tossing and turning in her sleep. She just wasn't feeling right. She fell asleep eventually, but woke up many hours later with horrible pains in her jaw.

 _What should I do_? Gaea thought. _I need some mortal drugs to cure this_. That's when an idea hit her.

Gaea called up Nyx and Nemesis, two other primordial goddesses.

"Guys," Gaea said, "my mouth hurts!"

"Uh…" Nyx said, "well, come to the Olympian Throne Room in a few minutes and we'll take care of it."

Gaea wasn't too happy about that (she _hated_ the gods). She sighed, though, and headed to Olympus.

When Gaea got there, she saw a bench with crappy magazines stacked high upon it. She sat down and began to read one, all the time gripping her green dress out of nervousness.

Nemesis cleared her throat and walked into the waiting room.

"Well, thank the primordial gods," Gaea said, sighing with relief. "Please help me with this toothache! I can't sleep, and it's annoying me."

"Well," said Nemesis, "Dr. Nyx is ready for you, Gaea."

Gaea sat in the dentist chair and Nemesis put a napkin on her. Nyx brought over a few tools and leaned the chair back. Before she examined Gaea, she asked her some questions.

"So, Mother Gaea," said Nyx, "when did the pain start?"

"Last night. I couldn't sleep because of it." Gaea moaned as the pain got worse.

Nyx turned the light on. "It's probably your wisdom teeth being evil with you," she said. She looked at Gaea's teeth and took some x-rays. When they developed, Nemesis pulled them up on a computer screen.

"Whoa," said Nemesis.

"What?" Gaea asked from the chair.

"Your wisdom teeth are _really_ impacted, Gaea," said Nyx. "We're going to have to do surgery right away on you."

"You better put me to sleep for this," said Gaea, sounding annoyed.

"We _could_ ," said Nemesis, "but we won't. We'll give you some laughing gas and Novocain." She handed Nyx some topical and Nyx gave it to Gaea.

"Ick!" Gaea screamed. "What kind of flavor is this?"

"It's supposed to be strawberry!" Nemesis stated.

"Unacceptable!" Gaea screamed. "Who has made this?"

"Uh…probably Dionysus or Demeter."

"Well, they suck!"

"Tell me about it," said Nyx, grabbing the Novocain needles. "Hold still. These won't feel too good."

As Nyx was giving Gaea the Novocain, Gaea kicked and screamed, but relaxed as soon as Nemesis gave her the laughing gas.

Nyx pulled out all four of Gaea's wisdom teeth and put some stitches in. Then she released her.

Gaea stumbled out of the dentist office and headed to the middle of the throne room, where Hestia was sitting, tending to the hearth.

"Hello, Lady Gaea," said Hestia.

"Hey, honey," Gaea said.

Hestia was really surprised. Gaea hated the gods, especially Hestia.

"What's up?" asked Hestia.

"Tell the gods to get their butts up here right now," Gaea ordered her granddaughter. "I wish to speak to them."

Hestia shrugged and summoned the gods to the throne room.

The gods appeared on their thrones, and none of them looked happy. Hera and Zeus were in the middle of making out, so Hera's throne was empty…but Zeus' wasn't!

"What's the meaning of this?" Zeus raged. "I have to do things with Hera! It is vitally important that we procreate!"

"Hello, my friends," Gaea squealed. "My name's Gaea. Who wants to be my friend?"

The gods all eyed her suspiciously.

"Uh…I'll be your friend," said Poseidon.

"Yay!" Gaea hugged him. "I love you, Mr. Poseidon, sir! Come! Let's go back to my palace!"

The two gods headed back to Gaea's palace, where Gaea gave Poseidon some nectar while she took a pill Nyx had put her on. The pill seemed to have had something in it that made Gaea come back to reality. She glared at Poseidon. "Why are you here?"

"You invited me," Poseidon stated flatly.

"NO I DIDN'T!" Gaea yelled. "YOU GET YOUR ASS BACK TO OLYMPUS RIGHT NOW BEFORE I BEAT YOU!"

Poseidon vanished. Gaea headed to the couch where she watched a good movie called "Clash of the Titans".

 **Yeah, I know. Sorry…it was a crappy chapter. I don't know a whole lot about Gaea, other than she's a terrible person who sucks…yeah.**


	18. Apollo Makes Stuff Up

**My cousin helped me with this chapter…only 'cause I made her!**

 **CHAPTER 18: APOLLO MAKES STUFF UP**

"Seriously, dude! Why can't you pull my wisdom teeth?"

"Dad, just go to the dentist down the street. He'll take care of you," Asclepius said.

Apollo hung up on his own kid. He was mad because Asclepius wouldn't yank his teeth out. Now he had to go to a mortal dentist to have everything done.

Apollo said he wanted to be awake so he could see what the dentist was doing, but the dentist had other thoughts. He said that he'd put Apollo to sleep because then Apollo wouldn't remember anything.

So there sat Apollo, all alone in the waiting room of Dr. Keller's office. Well, actually, he wasn't alone. Leto was with him, and she was calmly sitting next to him, reading a book about parenting (not that Leto was a sucky parent or anything).

"Apollo!" a nurse called. "You're up!"

Leto looked at him. "Sweetie, do you want me to come back with you?"

"Nah, that's cool." Apollo hugged her goodbye and headed to an exam room with the nurse.

As soon as Apollo saw the room, he recited a haiku:

 _Oh my gods I'm screwed._

 _I'm sitting in this red chair._

 _I am gonna die_.

"Uh…Apollo," the nurse said, "are you okay?"

"Yeah, dear. I'm just reciting a poem."

"Well, how about you sit in the chair and you can get all prepped for surgery."

Apollo reluctantly sat in the chair and looked at the instruments of torture. While the nurse wasn't looking, he touched one of them.

"Are you touching the dental tools?" the dentist asked, coming into the room.

"Uh…" Apollo put down a pair of forceps. "No?"

"So," the dentist said, looking at Apollo's chart, "your wisdom teeth are coming in, we'll put you to sleep, and you'll wake up drunk." He threw the chart aside and picked up a mask. "Breathe deeply."

Leto, who was still in the waiting room, heard a loud squeal about an hour later. Then she saw the nurse and the dentist run out of the room, followed by Apollo.

 _Oh, balls_ , Leto moaned. _I guess I should go after him_.

Apollo ran into another exam room where a dental hygienist was teaching a three-year-old how to floss properly. Apollo took the light and shined it in his face like a spotlight. "Hey, America!" he yelled. "My name is Mr. Sunshine! Here, listen to this:

 _I am Apollo._

 _I just had some surgery._

 _I am really high_!"

Apollo ran into the next room where an old guy was getting a filling. Apollo looked at the dentist.

" _Go burn in Hades,_

 _You good-for-nothing jackass._

 _I hope you get fired_."

Apollo ran into the farthest exam room where a woman was getting a root canal. Apollo turned the light towards him again.

" _I am Apollo,_

 _And I shine and glow_!"

Apollo finally ran to the bathroom…when there was a dude in it taking a dump.

"Really, man?" the dude said. "I'm taking a crap right here!"

" _Apollo just had surgery_

 _And now he has to go pee._

 _There is one issue,_

 _You are taking a poo_

 _And you don't look happy with me_."

"You're damn right I'm not happy with you!" the guy yelled.

Leto ran into her son as he was heading to the waiting room. "Apollo, where did you go?" she snarled.

"Hi, Mommy," Apollo giggled. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Leto said. "Let's go get your medicine."

They headed to Leto's palace, where Leto handed Apollo a glass of water and a pill. "Take your medicine, honey," Leto said.

"No." Apollo folded his arms.

" _There once was a god named Apollo._

 _His pills he didn't want to swallow._

 _He was really, really high,_

 _Higher than the sky,_

 _Oh, there once was a god named Apollo_."

" _Please_?" Leto begged. "You don't want to feel sick, do you?"

Apollo shook his head, spat the gauze out, and took his medicine like a big boy. Then he looked at Leto. "Mommy? Can you help me make haikus?"

"No," Leto said, and ran off to make dinner.


	19. Hestia Gets Fat on Ice Cream

**So, I'll be doing demigods once all the immortals are finished. Should I also do some monsters?**

 **WARNING: Might have some sex stuff in here…just sayin'.**

 **CHAPTER 19: HESTIA GETS FAT ON ICE CREAM AND POPSICLES**

Hestia was by the hearth, waiting for her appointment. That's when her phone went off.

"Hello?" she said.

"Hestia? It's Mommy."

"Hi, Mommy!"

"Hi, baby. Listen, I'll be picking you up today after your surgery's over, so just come out into the waiting room and we'll go home right away."

Hestia said goodbye to Rhea and headed for the waiting room. She noticed a magazine with her on the cover, and she also noticed that her hair was on fire. The article was written by a Titan jerk called Atlas…who sucks…like a lot.

 **INTERVIEW WITH PEOPLE WHO HATE HESTIA**

 _Hello, world. My name is Atlas, cousin of the goddess Hestia. Lots of people love her, but there are a few who don't. Let's meet them!_

 _I met with the Titan Kronos last week and asked him why he hated his first child._

" _Well," Kronos said, "she's…boring and I hate boring people. And she doesn't like action or violence, which I love. Also, I just hate her 'cause I can. No get out of my palace before I shoot you!"_

 _That, everyone, was why Kronos hates his own daughter. Tune in next week for another interview about the goddess Demeter, and I know a lot of people hate her!_

Hestia was angry.

"Hestia!" a manly voice yelled. "Come back here before we eat you!"

Hestia couldn't even imagine what kind of dentists she was going to get.

Hestia didn't see the guys (yeah, they were both guys) until she sat herself down in the dentist chair. She looked up at the guys.

The guy on her right was wearing a mask already and had black scrubs. The guy on her left was also wearing a mask and black scrubs. They looked like surgeon ninjas.

"Hello, daughter," said the first guy.

"Daddy?!" Hestia said, freaking out.

"Yes," Kronos said. "How are you this fine, sunny day, which will soon be ruined by your painful screams?"

"I'm…I _was_ okay," Hestia said sheepishly.

"Atlas, give me her chart," Kronos ordered.

Atlas handed Kronos Hestia's chart. Kronos looked it over.

"Kronos," said Atlas, "you want the topical?"

"Not yet, you rotten slug!" Kronos screamed. Apparently, that was the best he could think of.

"Aw, that wasn't very nice," Atlas said.

"So, Hestia," Kronos said, "we're going to pull your wisdom teeth and it'll be bloody and violent, because I am a Titan and like to eat my own children." He looked at Hestia. "You think Rhea would mind if I ate you again?"

"KRONOS!"

Rhea came stomping into the office.

"Oh," Kronos grumbled, "look who's here. The nice Titaness Rhea shall save you this time."

"You will do the surgery correctly," said Rhea, "and I'll be here the whole time in case you get any ideas." And she sat down in a chair in the corner of the room.

Kronos paled. "Can I make noises while I do this?"

"What kind of noises?" Rhea asked.

"Like…manly grunts just to prove I'm having success with the surgery."

"No," Rhea said. "It sounds like you're doing it, and I will not tolerate that." She folded her arms.

"Fine." Kronos grumbled some "comments" under his breath.

"I heard those," Rhea snapped.

"All right. Let's get this over with." Kronos made the chair go backwards. He picked up some tools and glared at Atlas. "Topical."

"Topical."

"Knife."

"Knife?" Rhea asked. "You have forceps right there!" She pointed to the tool tray.

"I meant needles," Kronos redeemed himself.

Kronos stuck the topical in Hestia's mouth and she gagged.

"Guess what flavor that is," said Atlas.

"Cherry?" Hestia croaked.

"Nope," Kronos said. "It's blood flavored!"

"Tasty," Atlas said. "Yum!"

"Novocain!" Kronos screamed.

Atlas handed him the needles and Kronos gave the drug to Hestia. Afterwards, the laughing gas was given to her, and Hestia was high.

"Mommy," she giggled, "I love Daddy now. He's so nice."

"No, honey," Rhea told her. "Daddy's a jerk who likes to eat little goddesses like you."

"Who?" Hestia giggled.

"Never mind."

"Now," said Kronos, "I shall now make you bleed!" He grabbed a pair of forceps and turned to Hestia. "Hold still, daughter. This is gonna hurt because I only gave you half the Novocain."

Rhea took Hestia's hand. "Daddy's kidding." She glared at Kronos. "You _were_ kidding, right?"

Kronos nodded, then turned to Atlas. "Rhea, look! A distraction!"

Rhea turned around to see nothing. Kronos smirked and winked at Atlas.

"All right. Let's get started," Kronos said. He grabbed one of Hestia's wisdom teeth and pulled. Hestia screamed and Rhea glared at Kronos.

"What are you doing to my baby?" Rhea screamed.

"Preparing her for sudden death!" Kronos laughed. "Tell her to hold still, or I'll rip your teeth out, too!"

Kronos ripped out the rest of Hestia's teeth. By now, Hestia was in tears and Rhea was glaring at Kronos.

"We're done here," Kronos said.

Five minutes later, Rhea was helping her high daughter to the couch.

"Mommy will take good care of you," Rhea cooed. "We can take the gauze out in a couple of hours. How about some TV?"

Hestia drooled blood all over the pillow. "I want some ice cweam," she cried.

"When you're not numb, honey, you can eat," Rhea said. "Now watch this." She put on "The Simpsons."

Two hours later, Hestia spat out the gauze and looked at Rhea. "Mommy, can I have some Popsicles?"

"Sure," Rhea said, handing Hestia a Popsicle.

"Can I have some ice cream, too?"

"Sure."

One week later, Hestia had gained several pounds, because all she ate all day was ice cream and Popsicles.


	20. Chiron Goes to the Carnival

**Thank you guys so much for all the reviews! They are really making me happy, so please keep 'em coming!**

 **CHAPTER 20: CHIRON GOES TO THE CARNIVAL**

Chiron was watching all the campers eat their lunches. He wasn't eating, though, for he had a horrible pain shooting through his jaw.

"Charon," said Dionysus, "what's the matter with you? You look like you're pushing out a huge dump." He studied Chiron. "Are you constipated?"

"First of all, Mr. D, my name is _Chiron_. Secondly, I have been having tooth trouble all day today, and I need to make an appointment to see the dentist."

"Oh, don't be an idiot, Charlie!" Dionysus hooted. "Just go up to Olympus and have a god check you out."

Chiron shrugged. He didn't know about that, but Dionysus was a god (even if he was a sucky god), so he decided to listen to him. Chiron headed into his study and called Zeus. But Zeus wasn't available, so his answering machine came on. "Hello," the sexy machine voice said, "you have reached Zeus, king of the gods. If you would like an audience with the king, press one. If you would like an appointment for an extraction, press two. For instant and painful deaths, press three. Other options, press four." Chiron thought it was done, but the machine had one more thing to say. "For dirty sex jokes, press five."

Chiron pressed two and the voice said: "You have selected option two. Please hold while we get Zeus out of bed with Hera to take your call." So Chiron sat there for two minutes listening to "Baby" by Justin Bieber (which, if possible, was worse than the toothache).

"Hello?" Zeus said.

"Lord Zeus," Chiron said, "this is Chiron."

"Hey, Chiron! How are you? Hera! It's Chiron! What can I do for you, Chiron?"

"My teeth hurt!" Chiron said.

"Ah," said Zeus. "Well, I'll make an appointment for you to see the Olympian dentists. What time would you like, my good sir?"

"ASAP."

"Uh…I'm sorry, Chiron. But there is no ASAP in the appointment book. How about right now?"

"I just said that."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Okay. We'll see you in a few minutes."

Chiron hurried up to Olympus, where he sat in the waiting room and read the magazines. Suddenly, the god Hermes appeared in front of him. "Hey, Chiron," said Hermes. "We're ready for you."

Hermes led Chiron back into the office, where Chiron just stood there, looking at the chair.

"Yeah, uh, you don't have to sit there," said Hermes. "Oh, here's Dionysus!"

"Hello, Chucky, ready for your consultation?" asked Dionysus. Without waiting for an answer, he placed something in Chiron's mouth. "We're going to take some x-rays, Checkers," said Dionysus.

"How do you not know my name when we've been working together for the past…how long has it been?"

"Yeah, who cares? I just like annoying you." Dionysus pulled up the x-rays on the computer. "Chiron," he said dramatically, "you're going to have to get your wisdom teeth removed."

"I'll just get it over with now," Chiron said, shifting anxiously from hoof to hoof.

"All right," Dionysus said. "Hermes, give me the laughing gas!"

Hermes handed Chiron the laughing gas and Chiron breathed it in.

By now, you're probably waiting to hear how Chiron's teeth were removed, but there wasn't anything too exciting about it. Dionysus gave Chiron all the drugs he needed and extracted his wisdom teeth. Then he sent a very drunk Chiron off to fetch his medicine.

On the way, though, Chiron was galloping through a beautiful field, when he noticed a carnival.

"Hey!" Chiron drooled. "They have pony rides!" He sped towards the carnival, where all the little kids were doing pony rides.

A man in a cowboy outfit was ordering the kids to stop riding the ponies.

"Good work, boys and girls," said the guy. "Well, that's it for these ponies! Y'all have a nice day!"

"Hey!" Chiron yelled at the guy.

Cowboy-Man looked at Chiron funny. "Hey, kids, lookit that! A talking pony!"

"This is _my_ territory!" Chiron yelled. "I want to go in the pony pen!" And he undid the ropes around the pen and hopped inside. He put the ropes back. "Who wants a ride?" he asked.

"Me!" a little boy yelled.

"NO!" Chiron yelled. "YOU ARE MUCH TOO FAT!"

The little boy started crying, punched Chiron in the face, and ran off crying for his mommy.

Chiron looked at all the other kids. "My name is Ponyboy," he said. "I like hot girls, partying, and beer! If you kids get me some booze, I'll give you a pony ride! How does that sound?"

"YAY!" the little kids screamed.

"GOOD!"

Once Chiron had had his fill of beer, he gave the little kids pony rides.

A couple of hours later, the laughing gas and Novocain had started to wear off. Chiron stopped in the middle of a little kid's pony ride to stare up at the sky. "Uh…" he said awkwardly, "I…have to poop." And he ran off, after letting the kid get off, of course.

Chiron entered Camp Half-Blood, where he went into the dining pavilion. Then he realized that all of the campers were looking at him funny.

"What?" he demanded.

"Chiron," said Percy, "Hermes sent us this Iris Message and he said he wanted us to watch this. Did you really give those kids pony rides?"

"Of course I didn't," Chiron said. Of course he was in denial; he didn't remember a single thing.

"Chiron," Annabeth said, "we'll forget this on one condition."

"What would that be?" Chiron asked, afraid of the answer.

"You have to give each and every camper a pony ride," Percy said. " _Now_."

Chiron shrugged. "Fine."

So instead of a sing-along that night with the Apollo bunch, Chiron wasted three hours giving all of the demigods pony rides around Camp Half-Blood.


	21. Nyx Buys Some NyQuil

**Hi, guys! Sorry it took so long. I've had some writer's block for a few days.**

 **CHAPTER 21: NYX BUYS SOME NYQUIL**

Nyx sat in the waiting room while she listened to Zeus and Hera arguing on the other side of the curtain.

"Oh, yeah?" Hera asked in a dangerously calm voice. "How many chicks did you knock up last week? And answer honestly!"

"Uh…" Zeus stammered. "Like…fifty-seven."

"WHAT?!" Hera yelled.

"Honey, how about you make yourself useful and go get our patient, hmm?"

Nyx watched as Nurse Hera walked out of the office. She looked pretty pissed about the fact that Zeus had slept with fifty-seven people over the course of one week.

Hera checked her clipboard. "Nyx?"

"Right here, Queen Hera!"

"That's _Nurse_ _Queen Hera_ to you, young lady," Hera snapped. "Dr. Zeus is ready for you now."

Hera led Nyx into the office, where Zeus was sitting by the dental chair, texting someone on his phone.

"Have a seat while I deal with my fool of a husband," Hera told Nyx.

Nyx sat in the chair and Hera put the napkin around her neck. Then Hera went over to Zeus and took out a paper red A, which she placed on the sky god's lab coat.

Zeus looked up from his phone. "Do you mind, queenie? I'm texting Maia."

"I'm done," said Hera. "Check your lab coat, husband."

Zeus looked at his lab coat. "You think I'm awesome?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"The A stands for _awesome_ , right?" Zeus said, putting his phone in his pocket and putting some gloves on.

"No, you idiot!" Hera screamed at him. "It stands for _ass_!"

"I'm gonna tell Rhea you were mean to me," Zeus said, pouting like a little kid. "Hi, Nyx. Hera, give me her chart."

Hera reluctantly handed over Nyx's chart. Zeus looked it over. "So…we'll be pulling out teeth numbers—"

"Does it really matter?" Hera grumbled from her seat.

Zeus looked at his wife. "You see that thing that sucks up your spit?"

Hera nodded.

"Turn it on and put it in your nose."

Hera took the vacuum and stuck it in her nose.

"Good," said Zeus. "Now, queenie, do you see that water squirting thingy? With that, Hera, I want you to spray that in your mouth until you're slobbering water, then I want you to stick the vacuum in there and suck it up."

Once Hera did that, Zeus looked at Nyx. "Just some entertainment before we numb you." He turned to Hera. "You got the stuff?"

"Huh?"

"The topical. Fork it over."

Hera handed Zeus four swabs which he stuck in Nyx's mouth. Then he injected her with the Novocain.

While they waited for Nyx to become completely numb, Hera rounded on Zeus. "What would you like for dinner, my husband?"

Zeus pouted again. "Hera, can we have French fries?"

"NO!" Hera yelled. "Hebe has to get hers pulled tomorrow, and if we have fries for dinner, she'll be very upset."

"Why?" Zeus asked her.

"Zeus!" Hera yelled. "Rhea told her not to eat a whole lot before the procedure!"

"Hera," said Zeus calmly, "the procedure's in the afternoon and we'll give her lunch beforehand. She's going to be awake. She'll be fine." Then his face darkened. "Are you taking her?"

"Yes," said Hera, just as darkly.

"Hey!" Nyx drooled. "I'm still here!"

"Oh, yeah…" said the two deities.

Zeus picked up some forceps, ripped Nyx's teeth out, and put them in a bag. "Here you go, Nyx. Here's your souvenir! And here's your prescription." He handed Nyx a piece of paper.

Hera handed Nyx some water, and Nyx was on her way.

Nyx headed down the road to Apollo's Pharmacy of Drugs. Nyx bit down on her gauze and walked inside. She wasn't high or anything, because Hera didn't give her any laughing gas. But she was still numb, so she slobbered every three seconds.

"Hey, Nyx!" Apollo called from the counter. "Here for a prescription?"

"Uh-huh," said Nyx.

While Apollo was looking for her meds, Nyx ran off into the cold aisle. There, she found a bottle of NyQuil and uncapped it. It smelled so wonderful, like grapes and stuff. Nyx put the cap back on and headed for Apollo's desk.

"Can I get this, too?" she slobbered all over the counter.

"Uh…sure," Apollo said.

Nyx paid for the drugs and went back to her palace. After she'd taken the amount of pills prescribed for her extraction, she looked at the bottle of NyQuil. But before she could get the urge to take some so she'd fall asleep and not have to worry about her pain, she put it in her medicine cabinet, and went to the couch to watch a terrible movie.

 **PS – Don't do drugs!**


	22. Hebe Screams Like a Little Girl

**Okay, confession: this is sort of like what I had to go through back when I was eight. I had to get four teeth pulled, so if this seems little-kiddish, it's just how it was back then.**

 **Credit goes to Owlion12 for the Hebe idea.**

 **CHAPTER 22: HEBE SCREAMS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL**

Hebe was playing house with her little sister Elytheia (the goddess of childbirth). Hebe was the mommy and Elytheia was the baby.

"Eli!" yelled Hebe. "You're not supposed to yell big childbirth words when you're a baby!"

Elytheia checked her phone. "Oh, I gotta go! Some chick on earth is giving birth and it's gonna be bloody and gory! Want to come?"

"Ew!" Hebe squealed. "Yucky!"

"I guess I'll do it by myself then." And Elytheia vanished.

Hebe ran downstairs, where Hera was making dinner and Zeus was drinking and watching a hockey game.

"Mommy," Hebe said, pulling on Hera's white skirt. "Can you play house with me?"

"Honey, Mommy's making dinner," Hera cooed. "Go see if Daddy wants to play."

Hebe ran to Zeus. "Daddy?"

"Huh?" Zeus said.

"Daddy, can you play house with me?"

"Kinda busy right now," Zeus said. Then he caught Hera's eye. "But this hockey game sucks, so of course I'll play with you!" _Damn you, Hera_! he thought.

Hebe and Zeus sat on the floor and Hebe took out her doll that she had dressed so nicely (it was in a pair of pink, frilly underwear). "Okay. I'm the mommy and you're the daddy."

"Okay," said Zeus. He picked up the doll. "GO TO YOUR ROOM OR I'LL BEAT YOU!"

" **ZEUS**!" Hera screamed. "You're a bad father."

"I know. I need more booze."

On Zeus' way downstairs to the bar to get more booze, Hera caught him. "You will play house with Hebe, and you will enjoy it."

"Gods," Zeus cursed. "Okay." He headed back to the room. "Daddy's back from his AA meeting."

"What's that mean?" Hebe asked.

"Uh…nothing," said Zeus quickly, catching his wife's eye again. "Can we play a different game?"

"We could play hospital," said Hebe.

"If it keeps me from being another dad, then sure." Zeus lied down on the couch.

"Is this the waiting room?" asked Hebe.

"Yes."

Hebe went to her room, put on a colorful lab coat, and headed downstairs. "Hi, Mr. Skies. I'm Dr. Hebe. What seems to be the problem today?"

"Uh…" Zeus thought about it. "I have the sniffles."

"Well," said Hebe, putting on a red stethoscope, "I'm going to use my steffoscope to listen to your chest."

"Dinner!" Hera called.

"Sweet Mother Gaea in a sexy, green dress," said Zeus, sitting up.

Hera put a plate of turkey and mashed potatoes in front of Hebe. Then she placed a piece of lettuce in front of Zeus.

Zeus looked at her. "A mere piece of lettuce for the king?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Hera snapped at him. "Does wittle Zeusy want more?"

"Yeah," said Zeus.

"Well, you know where the food is."

Hebe was almost finished with her dinner. "Mommy?"

"Yeah, honey?"

"What are we doing tomorrow?"

"We're going to get your wisdom teeth out," Hera said.

"But then I'll be stupid," Hebe said sadly.

"No, honey," said Zeus. "Now go upstairs and get ready for bedtime."

THE FOLLOWING MORNING…

The following morning, Hera and Hebe played house, hospital, and school until it was lunchtime. Hera only gave Hebe a sandwich, because she wasn't sure how the drugs would affect her.

Hebe was playing school with Elytheia, when Hera walked into the room. "Hebe, sweetheart. Time to go or we'll miss your appointment."

"Okay, Mommy!" Hebe kissed Elytheia. "Bye, Eli!"

"Bye, Hebe," Elytheia said. "Mom, I have to go deliver a set of octuplets, so I'll be a little late tonight."

"Oh, goodness," Hera said. "Have fun!"

Hera and Hebe walked over to the dentist's office together, Hera leading Hebe by the hand. Both goddesses sat on the bench and Hera took out _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_.

"Hi, girls."

Leto, the Titaness of motherhood, was standing before them, which didn't make Hera too happy. Leto sat on the bench next to Hera while Hebe continued to read the book (look at the pictures) on the floor.

"Rhea needs to know if you want to use laughing gas _and_ Novocain on Hebe or just Novocain."

"Uh…" Hera glanced at her daughter. "Both."

"Okay. Well, Miss Hebe, we're ready for you, honey!"

Leto led the goddesses back into the exam room, where Rhea was calmly doing Facebook on her laptop. Rhea had just posted a picture of her and her six kids. Suddenly, Kronos liked it. Rhea slammed her laptop shut and looked at the girls. "Hi, girls," she said cheerfully. "Are you ready, Hebe?"

"Yep," Hebe said excitedly.

"Excellent!" Rhea said.

Leto put a napkin on Hebe's shirt and gave her some sunglasses to wear. "Those are for looking cool during the extraction," she explained as Hebe put them on.

Rhea kicked the chair back and turned on the light. "Okay, honey," she cooed to Hebe, "we're going to give you some medicine so you won't feel anything." And she put out her hand to Leto, who gave her the topical.

As soon as Hebe tasted the awful mint-flavored stuff, she started crying and screaming.

"Hebe, it's okay," Leto said soothingly. "We're just going to—"

"MOMMY!" Hebe howled.

"You're okay," said Hera, squeezing Hebe's hand. "Mommy's right here. Nothing's going to hurt you."

Rhea gave Hera a look. Then she mouthed _Novocain_ , and Hera knew they were all in for a long appointment.

Leto put a mask over Hebe's face and she breathed in the air.

Rhea only grabbed two needles and gave the other two to Leto. "To make this go faster, Leto," she said, "how about we do them at the same time? I'll do two, and you do two."

"Sounds like a plan," Leto said over Hebe's screams and sobs.

"Hebe," Rhea said in her motherly voice, "we need to give you some medicine, but you'll just feel a few pinches."

Hera had taken Hebe to mortal dentists before, and Hebe had had a few cavities filled. The dentists would always tell her she'd feel a little pinch, and then she'd be okay.

Hera squeezed Hebe's hand. Before Hebe knew it, the goddesses had set down the needles and began to talk to her in calming voices.

"What's your favorite princess?" asked Rhea.

"My favorite princess is Snow White," Hebe giggled. "She's hot."

"I thought Cinderella was your favorite," Leto said.

"No. She sucks," Hebe replied.

Rhea picked up the pair of forceps, but she was still talking to Hebe. "I thought you liked Sleeping Beauty, too."

"Are you kidding me?" Hera butted in. "That's just a spinoff of Snow White!"

"Hera, let's use our indoor voices, please," Rhea said calmly but firmly.

The rest of the extraction went rather well. Hebe only screamed a few more times. Leto finally gave Hebe some water and Hebe spat it out in the sink next to the chair.

"Until she can eat again, don't give her anything to eat or drink," said Rhea firmly, handing Hera a prescription. "This is liquid, and it'll taste like bubblegum. Come back in a week so we can take the stitches out."

Hera led Hebe out of the office and over to the pharmacy.

They arrived home a few minutes later. Zeus, as usual, was drinking beer and watching a hockey game on TV.

"Zeus, would you mind moving your kingly ass so Hebe can lie down on the couch?" Hera said in a sickly-sweet voice.

"She's got a bed," Zeus said.

"NOW!" Hera yelled.

"Fine. I'm watching TV in our room then." And Zeus ran upstairs.

While Hebe rested on the couch, Hera read her _The Very Hungry Caterpillar, The Very Grouchy Ladybug_ , and a book of nursery rhymes. By the end of the nursery rhymes, Hebe was asleep, so Hera put on "SpongeBob" for her and left to make dinner.

 **Did you guys like Hebe and how young she is?**


	23. Thanatos Makes Prank Calls

**I don't own "The Ring", Portillo's, or "Scary Movie III", where these ideas came from. FYI, this chapter is pretty dirty. Children under…uh…13, don't read this. Just skip it. It's for the best. Or you'll learn this stuff eventually, so why not start now?**

 **CHAPTER 23: THANATOS MAKES PRANK CALLS**

Thanatos was sitting on a park bench, watching some old guy playing with his grandkids on the playset. _Well_ , Thanatos thought, _I guess it is his time_. He got out his scythe thingy and struck the old man down. Thanatos giggled (weirdo!) and headed back to his car.

"Ah," he sighed to himself, "a good day's work! I think I'll go get some cheese fries!"

Thanatos headed to Portillo's to grab some cheese fries.

"Hello, sir," said the drive-thru lady, "welcome to Portillo's! May I take your order?"

"Yes," Thanatos said. "I'll have a large order of cheese fries with a large vanilla shake."

"Sir, that'll be seven-fifty. If your order is correct on the screen, please pull around to the first window."

Once Thanatos got his cheese fries and vanilla shake, he went back to the Palace of Hades (where he lived, because before that he was living in a coffin, and Hades said that was so freaking creepy, so Thanatos lives there now).

Thanatos dipped a fry into the cheese sauce and bit into it. Ah, the flavor was divine. But when Thanatos chewed with his back teeth, he felt a stabbing pain near his gums.

"OW, DAMMIT!" he yelled.

Hades came running out from his study. "Did Nico leave his squirt guns on the floor again?" he asked Thanatos.

"No, Lord Hades. My teeth hurt!"

"Are those cheese fries?"

Thanatos looked at him. "Yeah."

"Can I have one?"

"Eh, sure, whatever."

"Thanks." Hades took a fry and dipped it in the cheese sauce. "Wow, that's excellent! Much better than the crap I eat for lunch everyday around here!"

"You know," Persephone said, walking into the room in a dress that made her look like a slut, "you can cook. The stove isn't that hard to use, is it, dear?"

"But you're better at it than I am," Hades insisted. He turned to Thanatos. "And you," he said, "if your teeth are hurting that badly, perhaps you should go to the Olympian Dentist Office to have them checked out."

"But that requires me to move," Thanatos said lazily from the table. "But I guess it's better than this excruciating pain."

Thanatos had made his appointment for the following morning. So there he sat on the bench in the waiting room, reading a magazine called _Poseidon Admits to Peeing in the Bathtub When He Thinks About Sally Jackson_. Thanatos was interested, so he started reading. He didn't get very far, for someone tapped him on the shoulder.

Persephone was standing in front of him in a nurse's uniform with flowers, hearts, and butterflies on it. Thanatos thought she looked sexy, but he bit his tongue and said nothing.

"Thanatos," Persephone said, "Dr. Hades is ready for you."

Thanatos reluctantly got up and followed her into the exam room.

Thanatos said in the dental chair and watched as Persephone placed a napkin around his neck and sat in the assistant's chair. Hades was on his right with a tool tray in front of him.

"Thanatos, I understand you're having teeth trouble," said Hades. "Well," he said, standing up, "I have to pee. While I am doing that, Nurse Persephone will take x-rays of your jaw." And he ran off. The bathroom was right by the office, so they both heard him singing some love song he probably used to woo Persephone.

Persephone took a few x-rays and Hades returned. "What?" he asked. Persephone and Thanatos were both looking at him.

"Where you singing?" asked Persephone.

"Uh…no," Hades said quickly. "Ah, here are your x-rays! Your wisdom teeth are erupting, so we're going to have to pull them immediately if they're causing you this much pain, Thanatos." He turned to Persephone. "Give me that topical!"

Persephone handed Hades four sticks. Hades looked at them, then at Persephone. "What flavor is this?"

"Oh! Mommy and Trip left wheat-flavored topical in the drawer, so I thought I'd use that," Persephone said.

"No, my dear," said Hades sadly. "Let's use something a little more pleasant, hmm?"

Persephone said, took out another set of swabs, and covered the tips with cherry-flavored crap. Hades stuck it into Thanatos' mouth and he gagged.

"Yeah, sorry," Hades said, reaching out for the Novocain. "Now, hold still. You'll be feeling a few pinches, but it shall be over soon."

About five minutes later, Hades checked to see if Thanatos was numb. When he was sure Thanatos was, Hades grabbed a pair of forceps and looked at Thanatos. "If you bleed out, I'm sorry." And he began to pull teeth out.

Thanatos was feeling very nervous, so he grabbed Persephone's hand and squeezed it.

"Hey!" Hades barked. "Are you holding hands with my hot woman?!"

"Uh-huh," Thanatos managed.

"She's MINE!" Hades yelled. "Go find your own crazy bi—"

"Hades!" Persephone scolded. "Are you even paying attention?"

Hades ripped out the rest of Thanatos' teeth and Thanatos rinsed. Then he headed back to the Palace of Hades and into his room. Then he picked up his phone.

"Who to call," he said, his voice muffled form the gauze. "Percy Jackson!" He quickly got Percy on the phone.

"Hello?" Percy's voice rang.

"Seven days," Thanatos whispered.

"Who is this?" Percy asked.

"It's me…Scooby Doo," Thanatos replied.

"What's this _seven days_ thing mean?"

"Seven days," Thanatos repeated.

"Yeah, buddy, I got that," Percy said icily. "What do I have seven days for?"

"Until your mom and your dad make love!"

That didn't go very well, so Thanatos thought he'd try again. He called Jason Grace.

"Hello?" Jason asked.

"Seven days," Thanatos said.

"Who is this?" Jason asked.

"This is Fred Flintstone with really bad laryngitis," Thanatos said. "You have seven days until Piper blows up and dies, and Reyna comes to take her place."

Jason hung up.

"Dammit," Thanatos whispered, then he realized Jason had hung up. "I mean, curse this freaking phone!" By now, the meds had worn off, and Thanatos was feeling sleepy. He spat the bloody gauze out, crawled under his covers, got his Grim Reaper stuffed animal, and drifted off to sleep, dreaming about death and violence…and blood of course.

 **Did you like it? I had a craving for cheese fries!**


	24. Hades Returns

**I own nothing. I hope this'll be a funny chapter! It's not necessarily someone getting their teeth out, but it's a Hades and Demeter chapter, so it should be pretty funny. ENJOY!**

 **CHAPTER 24: HADES RETURNS**

Before Hades got his teeth ripped out of his face, Demeter examined him and told him that he needed to come back for a cleaning. So the night before his cleaning, Hades was snuggling in bed with Persephone when a thought occurred to him. He was feeling nervous.

"Honey," Persephone said, "if you're a good patient tomorrow, I'll buy you some ice cream. How's that?"

"I don't think Demeter would like that," Hades ranted. "There's no cereal in it."

"Well," Persephone smirked, "it'll be our little secret."

"Yeah, yeah."

The next morning, Hades woke up and ate a bowl of Frosted Flakes for breakfast. Persephone said she had to go flower shopping, which was weird because she could make the freaking things appear whenever she wanted.

Hades went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Then—even though he had no idea how to do it—he decided to try flossing.

Hades ripped a five-foot-long piece of floss from the container and twirled it around his finger. "Uh…" he said to himself, "…how does anyone do this?" He threw the floss away and put the container back into Persephone's drawer. "Stupid mortals and their obsession with teeth nowadays!" He yelled, stamping his foot. "Well, at least I brushed." And he skipped off to Olympus like the loser he was.

When Hades got to Olympus, he sat in the waiting room, dreading what Demeter would do to him in the chair. He ran through the "health questions" she'd asked him last time: _Did you eat your cereal_? Yes, he did. _Did you brush this morning_? He did that, too. _Did you floss_? He attempted to, but epically failed.

"Lord Hades," a quiet voice said.

He looked up. Hestia was standing before him, smiling peacefully.

"Hestia," Hades said. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks for asking. You?"

"Eh, my life sucks and I might be shooting Demeter in the face after this appointment's over. But other than that, I'm fine, too."

"That's good."

"Hestia?"

"Yes, Lord Hades?"

"Uh…I've never had a cleaning before. Does it hurt?"

Hestia thought about it. "No. Not really. Hephaestus finally made some good-tasting toothpaste, so you'll get to choose which flavor you'd like." She turned to her brother. "Would you like me to go in with you, Lord Hades?"

"Nah, that's okay. I'm sure I'll live."

"You'll do great—oh! Hello, Lady Demeter!"

Hades almost wet himself because Demeter was standing before him in an ugly shirt with butterflies on it. "Hades," she said, "excellent! I see you're here for your cleaning."

"Uh…actually," Hades said, "I was just leaving. Farewell!"

As he was speed-walking away, Demeter caught him around the wrist. "Not so fast, Hades," she snapped. "Come with me."

Demeter led him into the office and forced Hades into the chair. She put a napkin around his neck. "So," she said, taking out a piece of paper and a pen, "as you know, I must ask you some questions before we begin."

"Fine," Hades muttered.

"First question: Did you eat your cereal this morning?"

"Yes."

"Good boy, Hades! I'm so proud of you! Second question: On a scale of one to ten—with ten being that you love it—how much do you like oatmeal?"

"Negative eighty-five," Hades replied.

"I don't like it either," Demeter said. "Cereal's much better! Next: Why did you take my daughter? And answer honestly."

Hades actually had to think about it. "Well, because she's really freaking hot and I wanted to have some quality time with her, if you know what I mean," he smirked at Demeter.

Demeter nodded and looked up. "Well, Triptolemus isn't here yet, so we'll take some x-rays and then he should be here."

"What is it with you and Triptolemus?!" Hades asked. "I hate him!"

"Why do you hate him?" Demeter snapped.

"Yeah, why do you hate me?"

Triptolemus entered the office, wearing a white lab coat. His curly, black hair was combed back all nice, like he was trying to impress Demeter or something. He was carrying a bunch of tools on a tray, and he placed them on the platform above the middle of the chair. Then he rounded on Hades. "Why do you hate me?"

"Because I just do," Hades said. "Do I need a reason?"

"Yes," Trip said.

Hades took a big breath. "You're weird, you smell like fertilizer all the time, you like Demeter—so I obviously hate you for that reason—you look like you don't eat—even though you're in the farming branch of agriculture—every time you look at a field you squeal like Aphrodite, you're actually happy with your farming job, you turned Nico into a corn plant, and…the number one reason I hate you…your favorite color is pink!"

Trip and Demeter looked at each other.

"Wow," Trip said sarcastically, "that hurt."

"Good. I'll make another list of why I hate Demeter later."

"Do you hate me?"

Persephone, dressed in a pink dress with daisies on it, walked into the room.

"Only when you're having your woman thing," Hades replied, folding his arms, making the napkin crinkle. "And I thought you were flower shopping."

"I'm actually going to polish your teeth today," Persephone said. "I lied and said I was going shopping so I wouldn't scare you."

"Uh-huh," Hades said.

Demeter looked at Triptolemus. "Trippy, go ahead and torture him. He deserves all of this for taking my wittle Sephie."

Trip nodded. "With pleasure, Demeter." And he put the chair back.

Once Trip was done looking at Hades' teeth, he turned to Demeter. "Dem, can you record stuff?"

"Of course, Trippy."

"First off, when you say that, it sounds like I'm high, which I'm not," Trip said. "Second, Hades has ten cavities and gingivitis. We'll have to operate immediately."

"NO!" yelled Hades.

"I'll polish his teeth first," said Persephone, " _then_ you may operate." She sat in Trip's spot and looked at Hades. "All right, honey. What flavor of toothpaste would you like today?"

"Do you have any depressing flavors?" Hades asked her.

She shook her head. "I've got bubblegum, cherry, mint-chocolate, chocolate, mint, and orange."

"Surprise me."

Persephone chose mint-chocolate and began to polish Hades' teeth. Once she was done, Demeter took over.

"We're going to learn how to floss today," Demeter said, and she flossed Hades' teeth. "Now, Trippy, you may operate!"

Triptolemus held his hand out and Demeter gave him the topical.

"WAIT!" yelled Hades. "What disgusting flavor is it this time?"

"We're going to play a little guessing game. I'll give you the topical, and you tell me what flavor it is," Trip said. He gave Hades the topical.

"Um…" Hades said as he tasted it. "I think it's…sorghum flavored."

"Close," Trip smirked. "It's barley flavored."

"UGH!" Hades gagged. "Who made this?"

"I did, duh!" Demeter yelled at him.

Trip gave Hades the Novocain and filled his cavities.

"Well," Hades slobbered, "thank you for the lovely torture. I'm off to Hell to grab some beer."

"You can't eat or drink anything because you had the fluoride treatment!" Persephone yelled.

"And you're numb," Trip chided.

"I hate you all and I think you all did this to piss me off!" Hades yelled. Halfway out of the office, he grabbed Persephone. "I actually like you. You're nice." And he and Persephone left the office and went back to the Underworld.

 **Ah…there's a pretty-ful sunset outside right now.**


	25. Flower Fanatic and Creepy Stalker

**This isn't really a wisdom teeth extraction story either, but you guys will like this! Please keep the reviews coming! I love you all and thanks again for the favs, follows, and reviews! Credit goes to Owlion12 for the idea of Cerberus…never would've thought about it. If you guys give me more ideas on how to humiliate gods and whatnot, let me know and I'll give you some credit. And then you'll be famous! :)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything, including the Banana-Sprite Challenge. For those of who you don't know what it is, you eat bananas and drink lots of Sprite and it's supposed to make you throw up. DON'T DO IT! I've never done it, but I've seen some on YouTube and I almost threw up just watching it! Okay, I think that's enough of a disclaimer.**

 **CHAPTER 25: FLOWER FANATIC AND CREEPY STALKER OPERATE ON CERBERUS**

 **Hades' POV**

It was the day after I'd gotten my teeth cleaned, and I must say, they've never felt better…all smooth and stuff. I told Nico I was a brave boy, and he gave me this look like I was an idiot. Oh, well, he probably already thinks that. Between you and me, I think he's an idiot, too, but don't tell him that or I'll force you to do the Banana-Sprite Challenge and post your reaction to YouTube.

Anyway, I was talking to Nico in the dining room about teeth and stuff. Suddenly, a thought occurred to me. "Son," I said, "when's your appointment?"

"Not sure," Nico said. "But I thought that the appointment book was only for gods."

"Wrong!" I yelled. "Zeus just texted us that we can get our kids in…and we'll be their dentists. Ooh, you're going to die."

"Thank you for that lovely glimpse into the future," Nico said.

"You are quite welcome, son," I replied.

The door burst open and Persephone stormed in, dragging Cerberus behind her on a three-headed dog leash. "Hades!" she barked. "I just gave Cerberus his Happy Doggie treats and he won't freaking eat them." She looked at Nico and glared at him. "I don't like you, so it's your fault. There. I've established that it's you."

"Persephone," I warned, "don't blame my son for this. Maybe it's _you_."

"Maybe it's _you_ ," Persephone snapped, rounding on me.

"Woof! Woof! Woof!" Cerberus barked, bouncing up and down. The freaking palace shook.

"Yes, Cerberus?" I asked. I picked up a volleyball that was just lying around the room. "You wanna play?"

Cerberus drooled, but didn't come running up to me like he always did.

"C'mon, Fluffy," Nico begged.

A few hours later, Persephone tried feeding Cerberus again. This time he took a bite and spat it out again.

She dragged him into my throne room again. "Hades!" she barked for the second time. "He's still not eating!"

I hopped down from my throne. Cerberus eats his meals unless he's sick, so I assumed he was sick.

"What's wrong wiff my wittle Fluffy?" I cooed. Cerberus licked me with his three tongues. "Yeah, yeah. I love you, too," I replied. "Tell me what's wrong. I'm all ears."

A long, long time ago, I told Hephaestus to plant a chip in Cerberus' head so I could understand what he was trying to say. It's not easy trying to read three different expressions at the same time. So the results from the chip would go to my cell phone and I could read it.

I picked up my phone and turned it on. "He says his teeth hurt," I told Persephone.

"AH!" Persephone totally freaked out. "We have to go to the vet!"

"Lady," I replied, "we can't go there. They don't treat three-headed puppies!"

"Oh." Persephone calmed down. "Well, how about we do it then?"

I listened as Cerberus told me something in dog-language. Then I translated: "He says he's cool with that if we do the Banana-Sprite Challenge and post our reactions to YouTube."

Persephone shrugged. "That's fine by me. Let's get started."

 **Cerberus' POV**

I was a not-so-happy puppy as Lord Creepy Stalker loaded me into his chariot (which was a hearse to all of the mortals out there).

Flower Fanatic got into the front seat of the chariot and grabbed Hades' hand. "We have to get bananas and Sprite on our way home, honey."

"Yeah, I know," Creeper replied, revving the engine.

I just wanted to watch them suffer as much as I did. Gods, why do I have three freaking heads? What did I do to deserve this? Having one toothache is bad enough…but THREE OF THEM HURTS LIKE…well, like Hades!

Creeper pulled into the Olympus Parking Garage and unlocked the doors. "All right, my handsome prince…"

 _Handsome prince_? What's up his butt today?

"Time for your dentist appointment!"

Flower Freak put a leash around each of my necks and led me to a large room. There was a curtain on the other side of the room, and a crooked bench where we were. Cereal's Daughter led me to the bench while Dr. Depressing looked in the office. "All clear!" he announced. "I must go get some stuff." And he ran off to the sterilizing portion.

I licked Cereal's Daughter with one of my tongues and she scratched me behind my middle ears. It sort of calmed me down.

"Hades! Can I prep him or what?" Persephone yelled.

"Yeah!" yelled Hades. "I have to pee first!"

I saw him run into the bathroom and slam the door. Then I heard him singing: " _It seems today that all you see is statues of the heroes and the gods on TV_ …"

I didn't know Hades watched "Family Guy"! Interesting…

Flowerhead led me into the room, but didn't make me sit in the chair. She scratched my ears some more and my tail started wagging. Oh, I can't wait to see them do the challenge later!

Dr. Corpse came into the office with a tool tray. He picked a couple of them up and looked at me. "Open your left mouth." He looked inside and discovered a cavity. He found two more in my other mouths.

Creepy Stalker turned to Persephone. "All right, wifey. I'll need some topical and Novocain."

Slutty Flower Fanatic (I only call her _slutty_ because of that awful dress she wears) handed Hades three swabs of gel. He stuck them in my mouth and I whimpered, putting my face on the floor, my paws over my mouths.

"Look up at me, Cerberus," Dr. Beardface ordered. "I'm now going to jab you with this needle. It might hurt a bit."

And it did…well, it didn't really hurt; it was more of a pinch. But the problem was that the pinch happened three times, so it was three times worse than it was for normal people.

Once I was numb, Dr. Lonely filled my cavities and Nurse Sephie gave me some water so I could rinse. Then they led me outside and loaded me into the hearse.

 **No one's POV**

Hades and Persephone had just finished their second operation of that week, but they had two more tasks to complete: going to the store and completing the Banana-Sprite Challenge.

Persephone took out her phone and texted Demeter. "Mother says she doesn't approve of me doing the thingy today," she said. "The banana thingy."

"Of course she doesn't," Hades muttered under his breath. "I'm hungry. You wanna get some food?" They'd pulled into a McDonald's drive-thru.

"No."

"Fine." Hades looked at her. "Tomorrow?"

"Sure."

"YAY!"

"Please don't do that," Persephone said.

"Okay."

Hades drove to Target and they went inside, leaving Cerberus in the car. It was winter now, so it didn't matter…the car would be cool for Cerberus.

Hades and Persephone headed to the fresh produce aisle, where they got two ripe bunches of bananas. Then they headed to the soda aisle to get two two-liter bottles of Sprite. Five minutes later, they were on their way back to the Underworld.

As soon as Hades got home, he threw the bananas on the table and yelled: "Nico! Come record Daddy puking banana!"

Nico came running out of his room. "Oh no," he said. "You're going to do the challenge, aren't you?"

"Yes," Persephone replied shortly. "Record it on my phone, Nico."

Nico took her phone and pressed the red button and it began to record.

"Hi, world," said Hades. "I am Hades and this is Persephone. My dog challenged us to do this stupid challenge. Follow us on Facebook and Twitter, but don't actually do that because neither of us have accounts on anything 'cause we suck. Okay, I'm done bitching! HERE WE GO!"

Hades and Persephone began to eat their bananas. Their goal was to keep two bananas and a liter of Sprite down. As soon as they'd finished their bananas, they drank their Sprite. Surprisingly, they both got the soda down, too. Then they started to feel queasy. Both of them had buckets in front of them. Cerberus was calmly watching them, his tail wagging slightly as he got more and more excited.

Persephone was the first to go. She leaned over a puked right away. But Hades was doing okay…until he grabbed his stomach. "Nico, Daddy's going to puke now!"

"I'll alert the media," Nico said sarcastically. "PUKE!"

Hades and Persephone continued to vomit up the bananas and Sprite. Finally, after much queasiness, stomach cramps, gagging, and puke dribbling down their chins, they both stood up.

"Thank you for watching Persephone and me throw up," Hades said weakly. "Subscribe, you stupid mortals!"

Nico stopped recording and posted it to YouTube, where all the gods and goddesses (and demigods, too) subscribed to Hades' YouTube channel.


	26. Triton Visits Bikini Bottom

**Sorry for not updating in, like, five days days or whatever. I own nothing!**

 **CHAPTER 26: TRITON VISITS BIKINI BOTTOM**

Once upon a time, Triton was watching a good show called "SpongeBob" when Poseidon burst into his bedroom.

"Dad," said Triton warily, "there's this new thing. It's called knocking. You must not have heard of it."

"I've heard of it, but this is important, my least favorite son."

"You suck."

Poseidon grinned. "Yes, I know. Listen, you're going to the Olympian Dentist Office tomorrow morning to get your teeth pulled."

"Whatever." Triton went back to watching TV.

"This doesn't bother you?" Poseidon asked.

"Nope."

"Triton? Why are you so mean to your old man?"

"Because you're a bad father," Triton said. "You don't love me!"

"C'mon," Poseidon said warily, "I got you a TV for Christmas."

"Yeah. It was fifty-five years old, had rats in it, and all I could see is black-and-white."

"Maybe you're colorblind."

"I AM NOT FREAKING COLORBLIND!"

"Chillax, dude," Poseidon said.

The smoke alarm went off. Yeah, you read that right; the smoke alarm went off in the underwater palace of Poseidon.

"Dinner's ready," Poseidon said. "Amphitrite! The fish sticks are burning again!"

"Why do we eat our own kind?" asked Triton.

"Because we're terrible gods," said Poseidon.

Triton had finished his homework already, so he was planning on watching more TV after dinner. Unfortunately, Amphitrite was bombarding him with questions about fish school.

"What did you do all day?" she asked her son.

"I made out with the teacher," Triton said in a monotone.

"Poseidon, how is this funny?" Amphitrite snarled.

"He's taking on after me," Poseidon said. "Triton, for once in my life, I'm proud of you."

"What time are we doing it?" Amphitrite asked.

"What?!" Poseidon yelped.

"The appointment tomorrow!"

"Oh. I thought you meant sex, and I was going to tell you that you're deeply unattractive." Poseidon looked at Triton. "Triton, go to your room."

Triton ran up to his room while Mommy and Daddy yelled at each other in Greek, Latin, Russian, and Chinese. Triton was pretty sure that Amphitrite didn't know Chinese, so how she came back with a Russian name for Poseidon is still a mystery to him.

The following morning, Triton awoke to the underwater birds singing a happy song. Oh, he hated when the underwater birds sang happy songs!

Triton got ready and headed downstairs. Poseidon was sitting at the table, drinking kelp coffee. "Good morning, my least favorite son," he smiled. "Are you ready?"

"To kill myself? Yep."

"No, Triton. Suicide is wrong." Poseidon shook his head. "I meant the freaking extraction!"

"Oh. Yeah."

"Good. Let's go up to Olympus!"

When they'd arrive in the throne room, Poseidon told Triton to sit down and shut up. Triton read a few sentences in a magazine while Poseidon got the office ready.

"Triton, your turn," said Amphitrite, coming out of the office.

Triton followed his mother into the exam room, where Poseidon was sitting.

Poseidon was sipping a drink of some kind with a paper umbrella sticking out where the straw was. Triton thought he looked weird.

"Good day, son," Poseidon said jovially. "I am Dr. Poseidon. What seems to be the problem today?"

"Did you and Mom get romantic last night?" Triton snapped.

Poseidon nodded. "Yes. We did." And that was the end of that conversation. Then the two gods prepared Triton for surgery.

Poseidon grabbed the Novocain right away and looked at his son. "Yeah, we ran out of topical stuff, unless you want wheat or barley flavored."

"Just kill me now," Triton begged. " _Please_."

Poseidon gave Triton the drugs and the laughing gas. Then they had to wait a few minutes for the drugs to kick in. Finally, Poseidon grabbed the forceps. "I hope this is very painful because I don't really like you that much."

"POSEIDON!" Amphitrite yelled. "YOU'RE A BAD FATHER!"

"I can't believe you just figured that out!" Poseidon yelled back. "It took Zeus five seconds to realize he was a bad father…and still is!"

"Check to see if he's numb," said Amphitrite, gesturing to Triton.

"Ugh. Fine." Poseidon took a sharp tool and touched Triton's wisdom teeth with it. "Does that hurt, because I hope it does."

"No," Triton drooled.

"Good. Now hold still, or this'll be more painful than I'm intending."

Poseidon took the pair of forceps from the tool tray and grabbed one of Triton's wisdom teeth. He gave it a good tug and it came out…with lots of ichor flowing down Triton's chin.

"SUCTION!" Poseidon yelled.

Once everything was done, Poseidon ripped the napkin off Triton's chest. "Son, are you feeling all right?"

"Yes, dude," Triton said. "Bye, my loving parents! I'm going off to Bikini Bottom!" And he ran out of the office.

Poseidon stared at Amphitrite. "Don't I have to do you tomorrow?"

"Honey, if you're talking about the appointment, then yes. Secondly, dear, you need to get better at wording your sentences."

Meanwhile, Triton jumped into the sea and headed down to Poseidon's palace. He got on his father's throne and yelled out: "Hey, everyone! Welcome to Bikini Bottom! I am King Neptune! But wait—AHH! Someone has stolen my crown!"

"There he is!"

Amphitrite and Poseidon ran into the room.

"Triton," said Poseidon, "that's my seat. You don't have one because you suck."

"Where's SpongeBob? He's gonna go get my royal crown for me."

Poseidon and Amphitrite looked at each other. "Quick!" Amphitrite yelled at Poseidon. "Tell him to take his pills!"

Poseidon walked up to Triton and held out a pill for him to take. "Triton, take your medicine!"

Once Triton swallowed the pill, he stared at his parents. He was just starting to come off the laughing gas. "Wow…" he said slowly. "My face hurts."

"Yeah, you had your teeth pulled," said Poseidon.

But this didn't bother Triton too much. "I'm going to watch some TV." And he disappeared into his room to watch even more "SpongeBob".

 **Hey, guys! I'll be on vacation next week, so I'll try to get another couple of chapters up before Monday. If you have any ideas for what you'd like to see our favorite heroes (the Seven) doing, just PM me or leave it in a review! Again, so sorry for the wait.**


	27. Amphitrite Files for Divorce

**Credit goes to Owlion12 for the Amphitrite idea…and pretty much all of my other ideas! I own nothing, and sorry for the long wait. My vacation was a blast and I'm still a bit tired!**

 **CHAPTER 27: AMPHITRITE FILES FOR DIVORCE**

It was the week after Triton's surgery when Amphitrite started having teeth troubles, too. She went to Olympus to see if anyone could check her out. Unfortunately, no one was there.

 _Crap_ , Amphitrite thought angrily. _My mouth is freaking killing me_.

She went back under the sea to ask Poseidon if he would be willing to do the surgery for her. Then she remembered that he was doing it anyway.

It was the morning of her surgery when Amphitrite awoke to stabbing pains in her jaw. It took all of her nymph willpower not to cry and scream in pain.

"Babe?" asked Poseidon. "You okay? Did you eat some bad kelp salad for dinner last night?"

"No," Amphitrite groaned, "my teeth hurt, Poseidon."

"Well, good thing I'm doing you after breakfast." Poseidon sneered at her. "Well, I actually intended that to sound wrong. I'm going to wake up my terrible kid." Soon, Amphitrite heard him banging on Triton's door. "TRITON! Get your ass up! It is time to do surgery on your mother!"

At breakfast, Triton and Poseidon were having a conversation.

"Dad? How come you don't wear a crown if you're a king?"

"Because I said so," said Poseidon.

"That makes no sense," said Triton.

"Hey," Poseidon snapped, "do you want me to send you to shark school? Because I will if I have to!"

"Well," Amphitrite said, clutching her face, "I'll see you two on Olympus. Don't be late."

"We're the surgeons," Triton told her. "We can be as late as we want."

"Yeah, son," said Poseidon. "Have you ever noticed how late mortal doctors are with stuff? They're never on time."

Amphitrite shrugged and left the palace.

She arrived on Olympus shortly after and went to sit in the waiting area. She talked to Hestia for a while, because Hestia just so happened to be there.

Poseidon and Triton arrived shortly after that. Both of them were wearing blue scrubs and their masks were already on.

"I know that," Poseidon said to Triton, "it totally sucks being the middle child. I was always forgotten by my brothers. They never invited me to play kickball with them."

"Dad, kickball wasn't invented yet."

"Oh." Poseidon looked at his wife. "Uh, you can come back now, darling."

"Bye, Lady Hestia," said Amphitrite.

Hestia waved back to her and Amphitrite followed the gods into the office.

"Triton, go ask Hephaestus if he made some new topical," Poseidon ordered.

Triton ran to Hephaestus' palace, where Hephaestus was reading a book on fireworks. "Hephaestus, I need some help with something."

"What's that, kid?" asked Hephaestus.

"Uh…my dad wants to know if you made some new topical yet."

"Sorry, boy. Not my specialty. But I'm sure Demeter will have some."

Triton returned to the office ten minutes later with some strawberry-flavored topical.

Poseidon looked at his son. "You _do_ realize Hephaestus lives, like, right across the street, right?"

"Yeah, Dad. He said he's not authorized to make it. So I had to go to Aunt Demeter's."

Triton put a napkin around his mother's neck and handed Poseidon the swabs of topical.

"All right, Amphitrite!" Poseidon said as he held the swabs over Amphitrite's face. "Open wide!"

Poseidon gave Amphitrite the topical and the laughing gas. Then he had to give her the Novocain…which hurt because Poseidon said she was deeply unattractive. Then they had to wait for the meds to take effect.

Once Amphitrite's teeth were removed, she grabbed Poseidon's arm and dragged him into the throne room. To her surprise, Hera was present.

"Queen Hewa!" Amphitrite slobbered (she still had the napkin on her), "this jerk-face wight hewe sucks. I wish to file for a divorce!"

"Well," said Hera, sliding down from her throne, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, sweetie, but if I'm to divorce the two of you, I'll need a signature from you. Since you just got your teeth pulled and you're high, it would be best if we wait to do this until you are fully recovered and sober."

"What size bra do you wear?" Amphitrite asked.

"Not sure," Hera snapped. "Get out of here before I kick you in the—"

"C'mon, drunkard," said Poseidon. "We must go to our palace because I must give you your medicine!"

Once they were back at the palace, Poseidon handed Amphitrite some pills and a glass of kelp soda. Amphitrite downed the soda, looked at Poseidon, and said sadly, "I…did I do something stupid today?"

"Why would you want to divorce me?" Poseidon said.

"You're just a bad husband," Amphitrite admitted. "When you get drunk, you call me _Aphrodite_. I know I said I'm not the jealous type, but right now, I feel pretty freaking hurt."

Poseidon thought that through. Instead of an apology, the best thing he could say was: "You wanna go upstairs and snuggle?"


	28. Kronos Plays Tag with His Kids

**Here is our favorite Titan…who will be a bit OOC!**

 **CHAPTER 28: KRONOS PLAYS TAG WITH HIS KIDS**

Kronos was watching TV in the Tartarus Apartment Complex when his phone rang.

"Hello?" asked Kronos.

"Hello, sir," said an automated voice. "This is the Olympus Medical Center, reminding you of your appointment tomorrow at two-thirty for your extraction. Please arrive ten to fifteen minutes before your extraction so that you may fill out your medical history form. Thank you and have a nice day."

Kronos hung up and walked into the living room, where he was sharing the apartment with Hyperion. "Dude," Kronos said, stepping in front of the TV, "I won't be here for a while tomorrow. Have to go to Olympus to get my teeth pulled. So…uh…would you mind buying some ice cream for me on the way home from the sausage festival?"

Hyperion looked at Kronos. "First of all, we're in Tartarus, so there _is_ no sausage festival. Second, you've never even been to a freaking sausage festival!"

"Yes. You're right, Hyperion. I guess I'm a little nervous." Kronos slumped down on the sofa. "But, wait! I'm a Titan, and Titans aren't scared of anything!"

"I'm scared of the dark," Hyperion confessed.

"Yeah, I just lied to you," said Kronos. "I'm scared of dying alone. I'm also kind of scared of Rhea, but that's a different story."

"Why are you scared of Rhea? You could totally out run her if you wanted to!"

"Well, I'm only scared of her because she's a nice Titan. And it is common tradition that mean Titans are scared of nice Titans, and vice versa."

The following afternoon, Kronos headed to the Olympus Medical Center. There was a clipboard with papers on it waiting for him on the crooked, old bench. Kronos picked up the pen and began to go through it.

 **NAME:** KRONOS THE AWESOME

 **DATE OF BIRTH:** A LONG-ASS TIME AGO

 **PLEASE ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:**

 **1\. Have you ever been convicted of a felony?** Uh…not really. I ate five of my six children, so I guess that counts. So yeah, I did.

 **2\. Are you married? If so, to whom?** I've been married to the Titaness Rhea. I love her very much, but she cries and throws fits all the time.

 **3\. Final question: If you were trapped on a desert island, which god/goddess/Titan/whatever would you NOT want to have with you?** Duh…ZEUS, of course!

 **Your medical history form is complete. Please wait patiently until your name has been called. Thank you. –The Olympus Medical Center, Mount Olympus, NY, USA**

"Well, _that_ was a waste of my time," Kronos muttered to himself. "I answered a few questions about my life, not medicine!"

A woman came out of the exam room in purple scrubs. Kronos thought she looked like one of those kids from Camp Jupiter, though he wasn't sure how he knew that; he'd never been to Camp Jupiter.

"Hi, Kronos," Rhea said, coming over and sitting next to him.

"AHH!" Kronos totally freaked out and ran behind the bench.

"What's wrong?" Rhea cooed.

"I'm scared of you!"

"Why?"

"YOU'RE TOO NICE!"

Rhea thought about something. "I hate you, you suck, I hope you blow up and die."

Kronos smirked. "That's better, honey." He stood up and walked over to Rhea. "So…who's my dentist?"

"He's waiting inside, dear," Rhea said. "But I need to know if you'd like just Novocain or laughing gas _and_ Novocain."

"I don't know what any of that means," Kronos said.

Rhea rolled her eyes. "Do you want a shot or both laughing gas and the shot? The laughing gas makes you high, so you shouldn't remember anything."

"I'll take both," Kronos said.

Rhea nodded and wrote it down on her clipboard. "Okay, dear. Follow me, please."

The dentist was chilling out in the chair, playing with the tools. He looked like a little girl playing with dolls, except he was playing with a mirror and an explorer.

"Uh…" Rhea said, clearing her throat, "Zeus?"

"Hmm? Mother, I'm busy trying to send these tools to Tartarus!" Zeus made some superhero noises and set the tools down. "Oh…" He looked at Kronos. "It's _you_."

"Yes it is, my terrible son," Kronos said happily.

"Zeus, you knew this going into this job," said Rhea.

"You better make this painless, you two," said Kronos. "Or I'll eat you…and I'll force my puke down this time."

"I just got sick to my stomach," said Rhea.

"Good. That was my intention, Rhea, honey." Kronos relaxed into the chair as Rhea put a napkin on his shirt. "What in Tartarus is this for?" he snapped at her.

"It's so nothing gets on your clothes," said Rhea.

"Can I start now?" asked Zeus.

"Not yet," Rhea said. "We need to look at his history chart. Hmm…let's see. You wrote down that I cry to much and you wouldn't want to be trapped with Zeus on a deserted island."

"That's correct," said Kronos.

"Zeus," said Rhea, turning towards her son, who was putting gloves and a mask on, "he wants both drugs."

"Good," said Zeus. "Or we couldn't give him anything and hope for the best."

Rhea glared at him.

"Fine. Let me check his teeth first." He picked up the mirror and the explorer and checked Kronos' wisdom teeth. "All right. Let's get started."

Rhea handed Zeus four swabs of topical and Zeus gave them to Kronos. Since Kronos was a badass Titan, he didn't gag, which was good for him.

"Is this blood-flavored?" Kronos asked.

"No," said Rhea, looking at the bottle, "it's pineapple-flavored."

"Oh, how pleasant," Kronos said.

When Zeus was about to give Kronos the shots, Kronos held up a hand. "Can I do it?"

"No. I'm doing it because I'm the king…duh!"

"Oh. Fine."

Zeus jabbed Kronos with the needles and Kronos gripped Rhea's hand, but he didn't know why. Once the Novocain was taken care of, Rhea gave Kronos the laughing gas. And they waited…and waited…and waited…

Finally, the drugs took effect. Zeus grabbed the forceps and pulled out two wisdom teeth. He pulled out the remaining two and put some stitches in. Rhea gave Kronos some water and he spat it out.

"Guys," Kronos said thickly, "come outside into the thwone woom. And get your siblings."

Kronos stood in the middle of the throne room while Rhea called all six kids to the room. All of the kids sat in a big circle around Kronos.

"Welcome to family game night!" Kronos said. "My name is Kronos, and today we'll be playing some fun games! Awe you guys weady for fun games?"

"Uh…no," said Demeter. "I'm ready for some cereal, though."

"This first game we'll be playing is called God, God, Titan!" Kronos drooled, some of it landing on Poseidon's head. "So who wants to go fiwst? Oh, the rules awe that you have to tap people on the head and choose the Titan. If the Titan gets you, you have to go in the middle, which will be my stomach. Questions? Good! Let's get stawted!"

Hera went first. She went around the circle, tapping everyone on the head, until she got to Demeter, who chased her around the circle. Then Demeter tagged Hades, but tripped him as he got up. "That's for Persephone," Demeter cackled, running around the circle…Hades was WAY behind her.

Everyone eventually got to go, and soon Kronos was choosing a different game. "This next game is called tag!" he said. "So I'm _it_. If I tag you, your fate will be terrible." He spat his gauze out in a nearby garbage can and clapped his hands together dramatically. "GO!"

Everyone, including Rhea, ran around the throne room. Kronos caught Hades around the ankles and tried to pick him up, but Hades bit him. Kronos' next victim was Hera, who tripped him and he fell. "I'M GOING TO EAT YOU!" he yelled at her.

Kronos' final victim was Hestia, who wasn't really a runner because all she did was sit at the hearth all day and watch people. Kronos grabbed her around the wrists, opened his mouth really wide, and swallowed her whole. He burped happily and rounded on the rest of his kids, who were all staring at him. "You guys got any ketchup for the rest of you?"

"MY HESTIA!" Rhea sobbed. Poseidon came over and gave her a hug. "Thanks, baby." She rounded on Kronos. "Are we done playing tag so I can make you puke?"

"No!" Kronos yelled at her. "We have…" He counted on his fingers. "…five more rounds to play!"

And so the game began again. Kronos caught Hades by tripping him and swallowing him feet-first. Kronos swallowed Zeus and Hera at the same time. Only Poseidon and Demeter were left.

"C'mon, guys," Kronos said. "I'm hungry!"

"But, Father," Demeter chided, "wouldn't you rather have some nutritious cereal or some fruit?"

"No! I want you as an appetizer and Poseidon as the main course! Now C'MERE!"

Kronos lunged at the pair of them, grabbed Demeter around the ankles, and swallowed her…butt-first.

"Hey!" yelled Poseidon. "She was once my sexy lover!"

Kronos burped and spat out Demeter's dress.

Poseidon's mind was in sexual mode now, so he looked at Kronos and begged: "Dad! Eat me now! PLEASE!"

"All right, Poseidon," said Kronos. He opened his mouth and Poseidon waltzed into it.

"Dude," Poseidon said. "You're still bleeding."

Kronos swallowed him.

Rhea folded her arms and looked at her husband. Finally, she had an idea. "Kronos, come with me, sweetie."

"Are we going to the sausage festival?"

"Nope. We're going to the drug store."

"Ooh! Fun!"

Rhea led him to the drug store, where she gave Kronos a drachma to play on the mechanical horse outside while she went to talk to Apollo.

"Hi, Rhea," said Apollo. "What can I do for you today?"

"He ate my kids again…all six." She glanced at Apollo. "Give me the strongest emetic you've got."

Apollo held up a bottle of dark liquid. "This is syrup of ipecac. No one really uses it anymore. But we're gods and stuff, so I'd recommend you give him this."

"Thank you, Apollo."

Rhea took the bottle of the emetic outside, where she found Kronos picking his nose. "Oh, sweetheart, that's not very kingly of you." She took him back to the exam room (which, she realized in retrospect, probably was a bad idea), and sat him back down in the chair.

"Are we doing more surgery, Rhea?" Kronos giggled.

"No. It's time for your medicine." While she was at the pharmacy, Rhea also picked up Kronos' pills.

Rhea poured out some ipecac in a bottle and handed it off to Kronos.

 **IN KRONOS' STOMACH**

"Guys, I am so freakin' hungry," said Poseidon. "Man, I remember a long time ago when we were in here…all lonely…"

"And I saved you guys," Zeus said. "By the way, you all still owe me beer for me saving you."

"That wasn't even the deal!" Hera yelled at her husband.

"Why can't we make peace with everyone?" Hestia asked.

"Because Kronos sucks!" Hera yelled at her.

"Olympian Newsflash," Zeus said, "Aunt Flo's visiting Hera!"

Then something fell from the esophagus into the stomach, right near Demeter. "What is _this_?" she asked. "It's all black and gross. It kinda looks like syrup."

"Mother Rhea might be saving us!" Hestia said excitedly.

"Well," said Hades, "let's see if we can mix it up…maybe he'll puke earlier!"

So the gods moved the syrupy-looking stuff out of the way. A few minutes later, the syrupy-looking stuff started to take effect. The stomach began to churn and rumble.

"Hold onto your hats," Poseidon said. "This won't be too fun!" He looked at Demeter. "I _just_ realized you didn't have a dress on!"

"How nice of you to notice," Demeter snapped.

"I'm a dude. It's my job!" And Poseidon flew up the esophagus.

"Oh, that means I'm next," Demeter said, preparing for takeoff. As she was going, she yelled: "I WANT TRIPTOLEMUS!"

Zeus grabbed Hera's hand. "I know we're not going to die, babe, but I just wanted you to know that I'm really sorry I cheated on you all those years."

Hera's eyes welled up with tears. "You…you mean it?"

Zeus laughed. "No. I'm just kidding. I feel no remorse!" And the two of them shot up the throat.

Hades was about to take off, too, when Hestia started to cry. "Please don't leave me here, Hades," she sobbed.

"Uh…okay. Here. Take my hand and we'll go up together!" And the pair of them shot up the throat, too.

 **LATER THAT EVENING…**

Kronos had taken his medicine and had also come off of his high. Rhea told him what he did, and even though he felt no remorse about going all cannibal on his kids again, Rhea still made him write an apology letter.

"Children," said Rhea. The six gods were sitting on their thrones in the throne room. "Your father would like to say something."

Kronos held out a piece of paper. " _Dear little craps: I am very sorry I ate you again. I did not realize how freaking high I actually was. I love you—not really—and I hope this wasn't too traumatizing_."

After the letter, Kronos headed back to Tartarus, where Hyperion was waiting for him. "I thought you got lost up there," he said. "How was it?"

"Long story," said Kronos. "If you're lucky, I'll tell you in a week when I can feel my face again."

 **I think that's the longest chapter of any FanFic I've ever written! I hope you guys enjoyed it!**

 **LAST CALL FOR IMMORTALS! REPEAT: LAST CALL FOR IMMORTALS!**


	29. Rhea Goes to the Marriage Counselor

**I was going to do Elytheia, the goddess of childbirth, but I don't think I wanna do it, because I'm honestly running out of ideas for gods. Not sure about Eris either, but if you guys want me to do her story, I'll do it. I've got Rhea, Leto, and Asclepius left on the gods' side, and then…DEMIGODS!**

 **CHAPTER 29: RHEA GOES TO THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR**

Rhea noticed that day—as she walked into the waiting area—that Hestia wasn't there. _Hmm, maybe she's sick today_ , she thought. Nevertheless, she sat down on the bench and read a terrible magazine called _Elytheia's Advice: 10 Signs You Might Be Pregnant_.

"Hello, Mother Rhea."

Rhea looked up at Demeter, who was holding a clipboard in her hand.

"Hi, Demeter," Rhea replied, setting the magazine down.

"We're ready for you now." And Demeter led Rhea back to the office.

Rhea sat in the dental chair and looked towards the counter, where Hestia was sitting, typing on the computer.

Demeter draped a napkin around Rhea's front and cleared her throat. Hestia jumped slightly and turned around. "Hello, Mother Rhea."

"Hi, honey," Rhea said. "How are my lovely daughters?"

"Fine," they said in unison.

"Mommy," said Demeter, "I have to ask you some questions before we begin."

Rhea knew what this was about, but she let Demeter do her thing. "Go ahead, Dem."

"What did you eat for breakfast?"

"Some waffles with blueberries."

"Well," said Demeter, "at least some of it was healthy. Next question: Triptolemus and I did it last night and I think I'm pregnant. Would I know if I _was_ pregnant?"

Rhea looked at her daughter. "Yes, dear. Why? You feel pregnant? Did you throw up this morning?"

"I threw up last night because I ate some bad chicken," Demeter admitted. "But I digress. Anyway, final question: Where can I find a new green dress, because mine tore."

Rhea thought about all the dress shops on Olympus Demeter could go to. "Try Olympian Chicks, Demeter. I've seen so beautiful dresses in there. Most of them are white, though, so you'll need to look carefully."

Demeter nodded. "Okay, and I assume you want both drugs?"

"Yes."

"Good."

Demeter set out some tools and Hestia wheeled her chair over. Both goddesses snapped on their gloves, put on their masks, and got ready for some…bloody and gory extractions.

"Well," said Hestia, "let's get started, Mommy."

The usual procedure began from there: Rhea got the topical (which was cereal-flavored, courtesy of Demeter), Hestia gave her the four shots of Novocain, and they waited for the drugs to kick in. Oh, yeah, Rhea got the laughing gas, too.

As soon as Hestia was about to grab one of Rhea's wisdom teeth, Rhea sat up. "I forgot something at my treehouse!"

"What is it, Mommy?" Demeter asked, pulling her mask down.

Rhea began to cry. "I left my kitty cat at my treehouse! I forgot to feed it its fish food today!" She continued to cry.

"Mommy," Hestia said gently, "you don't _have_ a kitty cat. I told you, that was a bad dream you had."

"Oh, yeah…" Rhea sat back in the chair and opened her mouth. Hestia grabbed one of the wisdom teeth, gave it a good tug, and out it came! Three teeth later, Demeter gave Rhea some water and Rhea spat it out in the sink.

"You're all finished," Hestia said. "Take these pills with food, Mommy."

Rhea stumbled out of the office and headed down to the mortal world to a wonderful, little place called the marriage counselor's office. A man was sitting at the front desk, so Rhea walked up to him. Rhea's face was packed with gauze, so it sort of looked like she was storing food for the winter. "Hewwo," she said. "My name is Whea and I gots a appointment today."

"Uh…okay," the dude said. "I'll go get Dr. Flagg."

Dr. Flagg called Rhea back into his office, where Rhea sat on the big, red couch.

"So, Rhea," said Dr. Flagg, "tell me what's going on with your marriage. Who is your husband?"

"His name is Stupid Pants!" Rhea screamed. "And he's a dwunk!"

"Well, we'll need to work on that in another session when _both_ of you can make it. What problems have you had with him?"

"He ate my kids!"

Dr. Flagg looked at Rhea. "I'm sorry to hear that Rhea. And how does that make you feel?"

"Hungwy!" Rhea giggled.

"Ms. Rhea," said Dr. Flagg, "I want you to know that cannibalism is strictly frowned upon in society nowadays."

"But I'm a girl Titan," Rhea drooled, dribbling ichor down her shirt. "And I can eat my babies if I want to."

"I'm sorry, Ms. Rhea," said Dr. Flagg. "I'm going to have to send you and your husband to a different therapist. I just can't bear to see people eating their young. I'm sending you to my friend Dr. Moon."

Rhea took the piece of paper, stuck it in her mouth, and chewed it for a bit. "Yummy," she said as she headed out the door back to Olympus.

Apollo couldn't believe he was staring at Rhea (one of the wisest Titans he knew) while she was looped.

"Hi, Dimitwi," Rhea mumbled. "I'm here for my pot!"

"You know, my name's _Apollo_ ," Apollo snarled at her. "And I only sell prescription and over-the-counter drugs. Do you have the prescription with you, Rhea?"

"Yep."

Apollo waited for her to get it out. "So…where is it?"

"Right here."

"Right where?"

"In my tummy."

"Oh…now _that's_ a problem," Apollo said. "But I'm assuming—by your drunken and high demeanor—that you just had your wisdom teeth ripped out."

"How did you know that? Are you a god?"

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Can I get my pot now?"

"Once again, I DON'T SELL POT!" Apollo yelled.

"Oh," Rhea said sadly. "Okay."

Apollo handed her the prescription and Rhea was on her merry way.

In the end, Rhea came around and went back to Apollo because she had a question about the medicine.

"Before I answer this time," said Apollo, "let me review with you what you did in my pharmacy. First of all, you called me _Dimitri_ , when my name is clearly _Apollo_. Second, I do not sell pot, so stop asking for it. Don't do drugs, Rhea. They are VERY BAD FOR YOU! Finally, you've been taking the wrong dosage. It's one pill a day, not twenty."

"Well," Rhea said, "good thing I didn't take any of them yet."

 **I'm still doing wisdom teeth surgeries, but I also kind of want to do other dental procedures. Should I do other doctor procedures, too? Maybe I could change the title to "Olympus Medical Center" or something less awkward than that. Let me know what you guys think! I'm doing demigods when I've done the rest of the gods (so a couple more chapters or whatever). Hope you guys are liking the story!**


	30. The New Appointment Book

**WARNING: MORE SEXUAL STUFF IN HERE!**

 **CHAPTER 30: THE NEW APPOINTMENT BOOK**

Hera was sleeping peacefully next to Zeus in their royal bed where they did many other things besides sleep. It was so peaceful and quiet until…

"HERA!"

Hera jolted awake and banged her head on the headboard. "What?!" she barked.

"Get dressed. I'm calling all the gods to the throne room right now. We have dental issues to discuss."

Hera looked at the clock. "It's two in the morning," she snapped. "See? The reason I'm crabby and bitchy all the time is because I lose sleep! I lose sleep, Zeus, because you keep waking me up!" She put on her robe. "I honestly don't know how Rhea stood you as a baby?"

"I was a good baby," said Zeus. "Except that one time I kicked Hyperion in the nuts."

Hera whacked him across the face. "That's quite enough!" She headed downstairs and headed into the throne room.

All the Olympians—and that loser Hades—were present. All of them were looking angry and tired, because Zeus had woken them up from a pleasant slumber.

Zeus got on his throne and called the meeting to order. "All right," he started, "as you know, the surgeries have been a success. But, honestly, as I was looking at some of your mouths, I noticed more problems that needed medical attention."

"What does _that_ mean?" Hera yelled.

"It means that while I was giving you the Novocain, Hera," said Zeus calmly, "I saw all these cavities that needed to be filled."

"Honestly," said Apollo, "I saw the same thing with Ares."

"Like what?" Ares barked.

"Like there's this one tooth that needs a root canal," Apollo replied, yawning. "Can we hurry this up? I need my sleep so I can make haikus as I'm driving over the world with my beautiful chariot."

"Well, no one's teeth can be as bad as Hades'," said Demeter angrily. "When he came in for his extraction, I asked him some health questions. He doesn't brush well, he doesn't floss…the list goes on. Finally, my favorite god Trippy filled TEN CAVITIES! Oh, and Hades doesn't eat cereal every morning for breakfast, the naughty little kidnapper!"

"Needless to say," said Zeus pointedly, "there has been a change in plans. We'll still be finishing up the rest of the procedures on your wisdom teeth, but we'll also be treating other dental problems."

"Does that include cleanings?" asked Hera.

"Yes," said Zeus. "Why?"

"Hebe needs one."

"Well, at any rate," Zeus said, "here is the new appointment book. Book anything you'd like in there, and get your kids in, too."

"Can our kids help with some of the procedures?" asked Apollo.

"If you think they can behave," said Zeus. "Then that's fine with me."

"Yes, Aphrodite?" Hera said.

"Do you do gynecology here?" she said.

"No," said Zeus, smirking, "although I'd probably be really good at it."

To make a long story short, Hera didn't talk to Zeus for three days. By that time, Zeus had told Aphrodite that they didn't do gynecological stuff on Olympus…she'd have to go to the mortal world for that one.

TWO DAYS LATER IN ZEUS' PALACE…

Zeus and Hera were looking at their family calendar.

"Well," said Zeus, "you could get your cavities filled on Friday. How does that work?"

"Uh…" Hera checked her phone. "Yeah. Yeah, that's fine."

"Great. I'll make you the appointment."

"Could you not be my dentist again, Zeus? I don't like you when you're my dentist. Actually, I take that back. I don't like you in general."

"Uh…that was mean, but I'm used to this verbal abuse. You know, honey, that's why we fight all the time and I get romantic with all those mortals."

 **Yeah, I know, it was a crappy chapter, but I got my point across. I hope you guys like the ideas.**


	31. Leto's Pregnant!

**CHAPTER 31: LETO'S PREGNANT!**

Leto was sitting on the bench in the waiting room, waiting to get all high and stuff, when a person next to her made a sound. "Hi, Mommy," Apollo said cheerfully.

Leto groaned, because she now knew what she'd be in for. "Hi, honey," she said.

"You wanna hear something really awesome?"

"No. Not really, Apollo."

But Apollo cleared his throat and began to recite:

" _I am Apollo._

 _I'm going to make you high._

 _It will be awesome_!"

Leto thought about running into Tartarus and asking Echidna to eat her up for dinner. But she took a deep breath and smiled at her son. "That was beautiful, dear."

"I know, right? I'm so awesome at haikus!"

"Yeah…" Leto sighed. "So…who's my doctor today?"

"Oh, uh, you won't like her. She's mean."

"You know, I can hear you all the way in the office!"

Hera stuck her head out of the exam room and glared at the pair of them. "Why are you two so mean to me?"

"Probably because when I was in labor, you wouldn't let any lands receive me!" Leto yelled at the queen.

"Because my ass of a husband knocked you up!" Hera squeaked. "Get in here and let's get this procedure over with!"

As soon as Leto entered the office, Apollo helped her into the chair and put the napkin on her. "Mommy," he said, "just so you know, you can hold my hand if Queen Bitchy over here hurts you."

"Leto," said Hera, "can I _not_ give you the Novocain? I hate you."

"Evil stepmother," Apollo scolded, "we need to use it up. Otherwise, we'll be yanking teeth out that don't need to be yanked."

Hera rolled her eyes (because she always thought Apollo was an idiot), leaned the chair back, and turned on the light.

And so the procedure began. Hera "forgot" to give Leto the topical, so Leto was in tears by the time the Novocain was finished. Apollo gave her some laughing gas too late, so it didn't kick in until Hera was halfway done with the procedure.

Apollo was sitting calmly in the assistant's chair while Hera stitched Leto up. Finally, Apollo handed his mother some water and he cleared his throat.

" _Mommy, you are bleeding._

 _It is pretty and yellow._

 _Holy crap that's bad_!"

Leto started crying. "'Pollo," she slobbered, "that…was…AMAZING!"

"I know, Mommy! C'mon, let's go get you some medicine!"

"Gods," said Hera, "I'm going to shoot the pair of you and make you watch Zeus and I make out! Eh…on second thought, maybe I won't. Aphrodite does that five times a week anyway."

Apollo led Leto back to his pharmacy, where he went behind the counter while Leto stood there.

Apollo was looking for his mother's prescription, when he heard a loud sniffle. "Ma?" he asked.

"Polly!" she yelled at him. "I'm late!"

"For what? We told you, no heavy activity for a few days!"

"Polly, I'm pregnant!"

Apollo dropped the bottle of pills on the floor and they scattered all over the place.

"How's that possible?" Apollo asked. "You haven't been on a date with anyone in a long time."

"Zeusy got me pregnant," Leto sobbed into his shoulder. "Quick! Help me find a place so I can give birth!"

Apollo decided to go along with Leto's little game, so he took her to Zeus' palace and rang the doorbell.

Zeus pulled the door open. "Hey, cutie! HERA! LETO AND I ARE GOING FOR A WALK IN THE PARK AND FEED THE PIGEONS!"

"Zeusy," said Leto, giggling happily, "I'm pregnant again!"

"Sweet," said Zeus. "How many this time?"

"I don't know," Leto replied. "But before Hera gets here, help me find a place to give birth!"

Zeus just thought this was weird, so he slammed the door in Leto's face.

But Leto rang the bell again. This time, Hera answered. "What?" she barked.

"Trick-or-treat! I'm pregnant!" Leto yelled.

"Mommy," said Apollo from a nearby bush. "Let's go get some ice cream."

"Okay, honey!"

Apollo and Leto drove through a drive-thru. Apollo pulled up to the speaker.

"Hello, welcome to Steak n' Shake! What would you like today?"

"Hi," Apollo screamed out the window. "I want one vanilla shake…and a chocolate shake for my pregnant mother!"

"TMI, sir," said the speaker girl. "Okay, sir, that comes to five dollars. Please pull up to the first window, and don't tell anyone your mom's pregnant."

"Mom," said Apollo, "you're not pregnant. That's just the meds talking."

Leto glared at her son. "Did you grow a beard?"

"No. I'm too sexy for a beard."

"You should grow one. You're too young to not have a beard, Apollo."

Apollo rolled his eyes and pulled up to the window.

It opened and a woman poked her head out. "Five bucks," she ordered.

Apollo snapped his fingers, making five bucks appear. Leto squealed when she saw the pretty, green money. Then the chick brought out their shakes.

"Thanks, Artemis," said Leto, slapping Apollo on the shoulder.

"Yeah," said Apollo. "Mommy, take this magical pill. It'll make you normal again."

Apollo handed Leto a pill and she downed it with the shake. Then she stared at Apollo. "Son, where are we?"

"We're at the ice cream shop," Apollo said.

"Oh, okay," said Leto. "Would you mind taking me back to my palace so that I may watch TV?"

"Sure, but are you pregnant?"

Leto slapped him. "Never ask a woman if she's pregnant, Apollo! Where on Delos did you hear _that_ nonsense?"

" _You_! You said you were pregnant."

"I did?"

"Yeah! You did!"

"Oh, honey, Mommy was in high mode," Leto told her son.

"That's what I thought." They'd reached Leto's palace by now, so Apollo helped her inside and settled her on the couch. "Gimme that straw," he ordered, taking the straw out of Leto's shake. "You can't suck on anything while you're healing up, Mommy."

 **Sorry for the long wait, everyone. I'm trying to redo my room and it's kind of making me a little obsessive about everything needing to be perfect and all. Anyway, hope you liked it! I think I'm done with wisdom teeth for a while, but I'll make sure the demigods get tortured, too! Any other dental procedures you think the gods would be in for?**


	32. Asclepius Pulls His Own Teeth

**CHAPTER 32: ASCLEPIUS PULLS HIS OWN TEETH**

Asclepius was having wisdom teeth problems, so he made himself an appointment for that morning. He was about to walk into the waiting room, when he remembered that _he_ had to do the procedure himself.

 _Dammit_ , he thought. _I guess I'd better go get some tools from my medical office_.

He dashed to his office on Olympus and picked up some forceps, Novocain, topical, and a small hand mirror. He had never done an extraction on anyone before, but he'd seen Apollo do it a few times, so he should be good, right?

Ha-ha! WRONG!

Asclepius sat himself down in the dental chair and put the napkin around his neck. Then he picked up a book called _Dental Procedures and Their Guidelines_. He flipped to the thirtieth chapter, which was entitled: _Wisdom Tooth/Teeth Extraction(s)_.

" _Step one_ ," Asclepius said, " _depending on the patient, keep them awake or put them to sleep. To put them to sleep, simply knock them out with chloroform_ —who wrote this?" He glanced at the author. Someone had scratched the author's name out with a sharpie and wrote: APOLLO THE AWESOME.

"Of course," said Asclepius, "my father _would_ do that. Well, I guess I should get started." He turned on the light and grabbed the topical. "Gods, this is gonna hurt like a bitch," he groaned, but he stuck the topical in his mouth anyway and gave himself the Novocain.

While he was becoming numb, Asclepius read the rest of the articles that Apollo wrote. " _When I put my patients to sleep, it's always best to use general anesthesia_ —way to go, Dad— _but if you really want to, you can always use chloroform_. Okay, I think I'm numb now."

Asclepius took the forceps, stuck them into his mouth, and grabbed his wisdom teeth. He heard much cracking noises coming from his jaw, but they came out easily. Then Asclepius' next task was to stitch himself up, so he did that pretty quickly, too. Then he rinsed a few times and headed to Apollo's office to rub it in his face.

"Dad," Asclepius drooled once Apollo opened his door. "Dad, I did it!"

"Good for you, kid," said Apollo sarcastically. "What did you do, exactly?"

"I pulled my own wisdom teeth out! I did the impossible!"

"I can see you're all happy, but you need rest, so go back to your puny, little temple in Greece and go night-night."

Asclepius shrugged and headed back to his temple.

Apollo looked after his kid and sighed. "Well, at least he found a good manual that teaches people how to pull their own wisdom teeth."

 **Yeah, that was bull! No flames, but the next chapter is way better!**


	33. Family Cleaning Day!

**Yay! Some of the gods are returning for other stuff! Hope you guys like it! Don't worry, most of them shall still be higher than Olympus! And—again—credit goes to Owlion12 for the Hebe ideas.**

 **CHAPTER 33: FAMILY CLEANING DAY!**

"Kids!" Zeus yelled. "Get down here and eat this extremely delicious-looking piece-of-crap dinner your mother has so generously prepared with all her sweat, blood, and tears!"

Ares, Hebe, Elytheia, and Hephaestus all ran downstairs. Zeus was already at the head of the table, positioning his knife and fork so that they were pointing straight up.

"Zeus," Hera snapped at him, "set an example for the children, honey."

Ares knew better than to stick his knife and fork into the air, but he did it anyway just to piss Hera off.

Hebe and Elytheia were in the middle of an argument.

"Ellie," said Hebe, "why can't I be the teacher? I'm older than you are!"

"Yeah, but you're also not as smart as I am because you're the goddess of eternal youth!" Elytheia snapped at her sister.

"Girls, that's enough," Zeus said calmly. "Hebe, you can't be the teacher because you can't count past ten. Elytheia, Hebe's getting smarter, so shut the hell up!"

Both goddesses looked at their father.

"Yeah," said Zeus, "you heard me."

Hera placed a huge pan of lasagna on the table. Zeus, Ares, and Hephaestus started to go for it, but Hera slapped their hands away with a spatula. "Ares, scoop Hebe some. Hephaestus, get some for Elytheia. And, Zeus, get some for me, dear."

When the lasagna was on everybody's plates, Hera struck up a conversation. "Ares, did you apply to war camp again this year?"

"Nah. I hated it last year."

"Why?"

"All they fed us was oatmeal! I swear, Aunty Demeter was there, making oatmeal while the rest of us fought things that don't exist!"

Hera glanced at Zeus.

"Son, if you don't want to go to war camp, we'll just send you to theater camp."

"NO!" Ares screamed. "NO, NO, NO! I want to go to war camp!"

"You know," said Hera, "we could just send him out of the house. That's just as good."

"Remind me again why he's living with us," Zeus said.

"He's living with us because his house caught fire and needs to be repainted," Hera said impatiently. "So, everyone, next week we'll be doing something extremely fun." She glanced at her kids. "Who wants to guess what it is?"

The kids thought about it.

"Mommy," Hebe said, "are we going to the park with you guys? Can we play house where I'm the mommy and all you guys are the babies?"

"No, Hebe," Hera cooed. "Elytheia?"

"Are we going to the childbirth museum so I can brag about what I know about delivering babies?"

"No," said Zeus. "Did you just make that up? Because I'm not sure there's a childbirth museum."

"No," said Ares. "We're going to plan World War III."

"War is wrong, Ares," said Hera.

"No it's not," said Zeus. "War is totally awesome…unless I lose."

"Are we building fireworks?" asked Hephaestus.

"No," Hera said. "You're all wrong. Next week, we're all getting our teeth cleaned!" She made it sound exciting, like a mom would do if she wanted to get her kids excited about cleaning their rooms.

"Yay!" Hebe screamed. "Do I get to pick the flavor of toothpaste?"

"Yes," Zeus replied.

"Now," said Hera, "go play together, everyone. You kids don't spend enough time together."

They all ran up to Hebe's room, where Hebe had placed all of her stuffed animals around her pretend tea party table. Her loft bed was covered with girly, pink, and frilly pillows that made Ares nauseous. On Hebe's desk underneath her loft, a lone coloring book was opened to a page with Cinderella on it.

"Heph," said Ares, "let's split, huh?"

"Yeah, I'd love to, but Mom said we have to play with Hebe and Ellie."

"You guys can pick the game," said Hebe.

"Let's play tag," Ares said.

"No running in the house," Hera nagged as she carried a laundry basket into Hebe's room. "Hebe, honey, let's put your jammies on. Would you like your flower jammies from Aunty Demeter or your nighttime jammies from Aunty Hestia?"

"I want my flower jammies, Mommy!" Hebe said.

And so the boys had to watch Hebe get undressed and into her pajamas. Ares and Hephaestus had never felt so awkward in their lives.

"Why don't you kids play castle," suggested Zeus.

"Okay! I gets to be the princess, 'cause I'm the prettiestest goddess!" Hebe screamed.

"It's just one – _est_ , dear," Zeus corrected gently.

"Can I be the royal boxer?" asked Hephaestus.

"No, Hephie," said Hebe. "You have to be the royal slave! The royal slave's job is to make sure everyone is following orders if they're not royal."

"I don't get it."

"You'll get it, trust me," Hebe insisted. "Let's start the game. Ares, you're gonna be the prince, and Ellie, you'll be the queen. Daddy!"

"What?" Zeus asked, poking his head into the room.

"Daddy, you wanna be the king?"

"Sure, honey."

Hebe gave him a fake, golden crown and Zeus put it on his head. Ares didn't get a crown because Hebe only had two of them. Elytheia got a crown, but Hebe didn't.

"Okay, everyone," said Hebe, "the Royal Court is now starting! Everyone sit down on your thrones and we'll get started!"

Everyone sat on the floor.

"Everybody," said Hebe, "we have a problem. We need to get rid of the evil monster named Kronos! He's the bad guy, okay, guys?"

"Excuse me," said Zeus indignantly, "but I am the king, and I should be leading the meeting here. Not you."

Hebe started to cry and ran out of the room.

She ran all the way to Hera's room, where Hera was folding clothes. "Mommy," Hebe whined, "Daddy's not playing castle right!"

"ZEUS!" Hera yelled. "GET IN HERE!"

Zeus waltzed into the room. "Yes, queenie?"

"Zeus, play nice with your daughter, or _you'll_ be the one doing the dishes tonight, not me."

"Fine," snapped Zeus. "Let's go, Hebe."

When they got back to Hebe's room, the bathroom door was shut and they all heard Ares humming to himself.

"What's Ares doing?" asked Hebe.

"He's taking his evening poop," said Elytheia. "And he's humming a lame song that no one likes."

"Why can't he just freaking live with freaking Aphrodite?" asked Hephaestus. "I don't like her."

"No one likes her," said Zeus.

The door to the bathroom opened and Ares walked out. "Ah…" he sighed with relief. "That's better."

"That's nice, son," said Zeus, pulling a face. "We're going to play a different game now so Daddy and Mommy can get busy with something."

"What're you guys getting busy with?" asked Hebe.

"Uh…well…" said Zeus, "we're going to try for another baby, Hebe."

"Oh," Hebe squealed with delight. "I LOVE babies!"

"I know you do. Now play with your siblings and Mommy and Daddy will go make one." Zeus ran out of the room and shut the door behind him.

Hebe clapped her hands. "Who wants to play hospital?"

"Well, it's either hospital or school," said Elytheia. "Let's make up some characters, Hebe. You can be the doctor."

"Yay!"

"Ares, you're the nurse."

"Fine."

"Heph, you can be the x-ray technician," Elytheia finished. "I'll be delivering the babies."

Hebe dug around in her closet full of dress-up clothes and threw a fake nurse's jacket at Ares. "Put that on," she told him. "That's what nurses wear!"

Ares put on the pink, flower-patterned nurse's jacket and stepped into the hallway. Hebe took out her doctor toys and put on a fake lab coat. Elytheia found her white robe and put it on. Hephaestus just stayed dressed in his gray mechanic's uniform he wore all the time.

"Guys," said Hephaestus, "we need a patient."

"Mommy and Daddy!" Hebe yelled.

"But they're having sex!" Ares snapped at her.

"What's sex?" asked Hebe.

"It means they're kissing a lot," Hephaestus said quickly. He shoved Ares.

"Nice save," Ares muttered under his breath. "I guess I'll be the patient, Hebe."

"Okay. I'm Dr. Hebe, Ares. What's the problem today?"

"Uh…I'm constipated."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I can't poop!"

"Can we play another game?" asked Elytheia. "This is stupid."

There was a knock on Hebe's door and Hera walked in. "Hi," she cooed to Hebe. "What're you kids playing?"

"We _were_ playing hospital, Mommy," said Hebe bitterly, "but Ellie says it's stupid. And then Ares said you and Daddy were having sex…whatever that means."

Hera dragged Ares by the ear into the bathroom and locked him in there for a "time-out".

"How about we play dentist?" suggested Zeus, walking into the room. "It's almost bedtime, Hebe. Go brush your teeth."

"Mommy, can you help me, please?" Hebe begged Hera.

"Of course."

Hera led Hebe into the bathroom…and told Ares to get out. Hera put her daughter on the counter, took out some toothpaste, and brought Hebe's toothbrush out. Hebe's toothbrush was pink with Ariel from "The Little Mermaid" on it.

"Do you want bubblegum or strawberry tonight?" Hera asked.

"Strawberry," Hebe said.

The laundry machine went off and Hera had to run to get it, so King Zeusy took over helping Hebe brush her teeth.

"Uh…okay," said Zeus. "Open your mouth so Daddy can brush your teeth for you."

"No, you're doing it all wrong," Hebe said, folding her arms. "Mommy sings that song to me while she helps me!"

"Oh. Fine." And Zeus sang that "This is the way we brush our teeth" song. "Spit," he told her.

Once Hebe rinsed and spat into the sink, Zeus tucked his daughter into her loft (meaning he kissed her before she climbed up the ladder).

 **ONE WEEK LATER…**

"Kids!" yelled Zeus. "We're going to be late for our appointments! Hurry up!"

The four gods came rushing down the stairs. Zeus and Hera led their kids to the throne room, where they waited for their names to be called.

Hebe ran to Hera. "Mommy, can you read this book to me?"

Hera read Hebe _Goodnight Moon_ , and before they knew it, Hebe's name was called.

"Rhea!" yelled Hebe, hugging the Titaness of motherhood.

"Hi, Hebe. Are you ready for your appointment today?" Rhea asked.

"Yep! I brushed real good last night!"

"Good girl," Rhea cooed. "Well, we're ready for you guys. Come on back."

When they walked back, Kronos appeared in front of them. He was wearing a mask with fake blood on it because he wanted to give them the impression he was still a jerk.

"Ah," said Kronos, "welcome to my death chamber—I mean, dentist office. I see Miss Hebe's appointment is first today."

"Mommy," said Hebe as Hera held her by the hand, "I think I'm running a tempa-chur."

"You'll be just fine," said Zeus, picking his daughter up and putting her into the chair.

Kronos slid over to Hebe and leaned the chair backwards. "Open wide!" he ordered. "Or I'll make you bleed really bad and I'll laugh at you for all eternity! Mwa ha ha!"

"He's kidding, Hebe," said Hera reassuringly. "Right, Mother Rhea?"

"Yes," Rhea said, glaring at Kronos.

"Who said I was kidding?" Kronos demanded. "I love torturing people!"

"No, you're not going to do this procedure today," Rhea said. " _I_ will."

"Yay, you're nice to me!" Hebe giggled.

"What flavor of toothpaste would you like today, Hebe?" Rhea asked sweetly.

"What is there?"

"I've got mint, mint-chocolate, bubblegum, strawberry, and—for some reason—dirt."

"My idea," Kronos said from the counter.

"Be quiet," Rhea snapped. She whacked him across the face and Kronos fell unconscious at her feet. "What flavor, Hebe?"

"Bubblegum!" Hebe giggled. "And can Daddy sit with me?"

"Of course he can," said Rhea.

Zeus climbed into the chair and Hebe sat in his lap. While Rhea was cleaning Hebe's teeth, Hebe giggled and squirmed, so it's a good thing Zeus was there to hold her still so the appointment wouldn't last three years.

"Who's next?" Rhea asked.

Hera, Zeus, Ares, and Hephaestus went before Rhea finally turned to Elytheia. "Elytheia, we'll need to take a few x-rays because we think your wisdom teeth are impacted."

Once the x-rays showed up on the computer, Rhea looked at them with Hera and Zeus. "So," Rhea said, "they're really impacted. So I want her to come back in a week and we'll rip them out."

"Mother, I'll go ahead and do it," said Hera.

"Whatever floats your boat," said Rhea. She turned to the kids. "Who wants a sticker?"

"I DO!" Hebe screamed, jumping up and down.

Hebe was the only one who actually wanted a sticker, so Rhea peeled a huge one off of its wrapper and stuck it to the front of Hebe's shirt.

Later that night, Hera and Zeus were talking about the dentist appointments that day.

"I'll plan on doing the surgery next week on Friday afternoon," said Hera. "I just need an assistant."

"Mommy!"

Hebe came running down the stairs of the palace and tugged on Hera's skirt. "Mommy, can I help?"

Since Hera didn't like the word _no_ when she talked to Hebe, she smiled and said: "Of course you can."

"Yay! I get to help Mommy rip Ellie's teeth out!" And she ran back upstairs, where she was making a pillow fort with Ares.

In Hebe's bedroom, she and Ares were busy building their pillow fort. Once it was complete, Hebe looked at Ares, who was in the middle of marking a globe with a permanent marker. "What're you doing there, Are?"

"Planning World War III," said Ares. "See, I think I'll attack France first, then I'll get some other country. I won't have the US get involved at all this time, because once they get involved, the war's usually over anyway. So I'll have to do some more thinking and planning."

"But that's 'Thena's job," Hebe said.

"Yeah, whatever. I'm not _that_ stupid, Hebe."

"You're right. You're just stupid enough to not know that Aphrodite cheats on you every night." Hebe put her hand to her mouth. "Oopsie! That was our little secret."


	34. The Miracle of Childbirth

**Owlion12, ladies and gentlemen!**

 **OH YEAH, THERE'S SOME GROSS STUFF IN THIS CHAPTER. DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T LIKE HEARING ABOUT POOP AND…OTHER STUFF…SURPRISE?!**

 **CHAPTER 34: THE MIRACLE OF CHILDBIRTH**

Elytheia was down in the mortal world, helping some chick give birth to twins.

"Push, Mrs. Robinson," said Elytheia, who was in the guise of a young doctor.

"Is it here yet?" Mrs. Robinson gasped out.

"It's here!" Elytheia shouted excitedly. "Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Robinson! You've had a beautiful baby girl!"

After assisting in the Robinsons' childbirth, Elytheia headed back to Zeus and Hera's palace.

"Ah, Elytheia!" Zeus said excitedly. "Your mother is looking for you. HERA! ELYTHEIA HAS RETURNED!"

"Hi, Elytheia, dear," said Hera, setting a plate of brownies on the table. "Are you ready for your appointment?"

"Uh…sure. I guess."

"Excellent." Hera put some plastic wrap over the plate of brownies and looked at her daughter. "Would you mind waking Hebe up from her nap? I'll meet you two in the office."

"Sure, Ma."

Elytheia headed upstairs to Hebe's room and banged on the door. She walked inside. Hebe's froggy nightlight was on and Elytheia heard faint snoring coming from the loft. She climbed the ladder and saw Hebe sleeping peacefully, cuddled up next to her stuffed dog named Mr. Snugglies.

"Hebe," said Elytheia, "Mom needs your help with my surgery today."

Hebe shot out of bed. "Okay!" she said. "Let me get something first!" She headed over to her closet, grabbed her doctor toys and her lab coat, and took Elytheia's hand. "Let's go, Ellie!"

Meanwhile, Hera was setting out all the tools for the procedure. She was only planning on having Hebe hand her the tools, so she knew she'd be doing all of the work. She wasn't even planning on letting Hebe hold the vacuum and water squirting thingy.

"Mommy," Hebe's voice rang, "can we come in now?"

"Yep," Hera replied.

Hebe led Elytheia into the room and made her sit in the chair.

Hera looked at Hebe, who was dressed in a white lab coat and carrying a medicine bag with her. "Well, Dr. Hebe, look at you, all dressed up for surgery today!"

"Yep," Hebe said. "You said I gets to help, so I'm gonna!"

"Perfect!" Hera replied, putting the napkin on Elytheia's shirt. Hera kicked the button and the chair fell backwards. Hera reached for the light. "Let's get started! Hebe, hand Mommy those sticks right there."

Hebe handed Hera the topical and Hera gave it to Elytheia, who choked on it because it was banana-flavored today. Hera grabbed the Novocain and the laughing gas and gave both of them to Elytheia.

As soon as the laughing gas and Novocain kicked in, the procedure _really_ got interesting. "Dr." Hebe handed Hera some forceps, and Hera ripped all four of Elytheia's wisdom teeth out.

"Don't worry, Ellie," said Hebe. "Dr. Mommy's gonna make you all better!"

Hera put some stitches in and Elytheia sat up. Suddenly, Elytheia grabbed her stomach. "Oh, gods!" she yelled. "I think I'm in…LABOR!"

"No you're not," said Hebe. "You're not fat like most pregnant chicks are, Ellie!"

"Hebe, what did Mommy say about fat people?" Hera said sternly.

"We don't call them _fat_ to their face except Dionysus because he really _is_ fat," Hebe said, like she was reading it off the wall.

"Very good." Hera turned to Elytheia, who was getting in that awkward position mothers go into when they're in labor. "Yes, this is going to be awful. Hebe, go get Daddy."

"Okay, Mommy!" And Hebe ran out of the room to get Zeus.

Meanwhile, while Hebe was gone, Elytheia began pushing. "EEEEERRRRRRRR!" she screamed. "Mommy, I think it's stuck!"

"Elytheia, dear," Hera said calmly, "you're not in labor. I pulled your—"

Suddenly, Elytheia spotted the empty syringes of Novocain. "I was looking for that!"

"For what?" asked Hera.

"I was looking for the epidural!"

"No, El—"

But it was too damn late! Elytheia reached for the needle, turned around, and jabbed it into her spine. Again, there wasn't any medicine in there. Elytheia relaxed into the chair and looked up at Hera. "Your hair is so beautiful," she said.

"Thanks, honey."

"All right! I'm the king! What's going on?"

Hebe was pulling Zeus into the exam room. Zeus looked from Elytheia (whose legs were spread apart like she was actually in labor) to Hera (who was throwing her gloves and mask away).

"Daddy, Ellie gots a baby in her tummy," Hebe said happily. "But not really. We're playing house!"

"Um, okay," said Zeus. He looked at Hera. "Queenie, did you drug her too much?"

"I guess I did," Hera admitted.

"EEEERRRRRRRRRR!" Elytheia pushed again.

Suddenly, everyone saw something brown on the red chair. Zeus touched it with his finger. "Everyone," he announced to the room, "Elytheia has just crapped herself."

"Mommy!" yelled Hebe. "Where's Ellie's baby? She said she was giving birth, so where's the baby?"

"It died," said Zeus bitterly, wiping his finger on his kingly robes.

"Just for that, you're doing the laundry this Saturday," Hera said.

"Aw, damn!"

"No swearing in front of Hebe, Zeus!"

"What does _damn_ mean?"

"It means a pile of rocks that blocks water," said Zeus, smirking at Hebe.

But Hebe was too young to get the joke. "Ellie, are you okay? Did your baby die?"

Elytheia started crying. "No. It's still in there! Get it out of me!" She kicked, screamed, and pooped all over the chair again, but some landed on the floor of the exam room this time.

"Okay, that's it!" Hera declared. The light was still on, so she turned it off and looked at Zeus. "Zeus, see if you can find some valium or something!"

Zeus looked through the dental assistant's drawer, but only found extra mirrors and explorers, the different flavors of topical, Novocain needles, and a box of swabs. Meanwhile, Hebe was helping Hera find the valium.

"Mommy, what's valium?"

"It's a special medicine we give people to calm them down," Hera cooed. "So, can you help Mommy find it?"

"Yep!"

So the search began. Hera looked through one drawer while Hebe looked through the other. All Hera found were some toothbrushes, gloves, masks, and scary-looking dental tools. Hebe, on the other hand, found some more interesting stuff…and she had to ask Hera what everything was.

"Mommy, what're these Popsicle sticks doing in here?"

Hera looked at her daughter, who was pointing to a jar of tongue depressors. "Oh, those are for looking at your throat at the doctor's office."

"But we're at the dentist office, Mommy!"

"Hebe, shut up and listen to your mother!" Zeus snapped.

Hera picked up a tongue depressor and threw it at Zeus. Then Zeus picked it up and stuck it in his mouth. Then he pretended he was smoking a cigarette. "Hello, ladies," he said flirtatiously.

"Oh, that's nasty," said Hera.

"Mommy, what's this?"

Hebe was now holding up a box of…CONDOMS?! Hera snatched the box from her hands and read the permanent marker writing on it. _THIS BOX OF CONDOMS BELONGS TO THE ALMIGHTY ZEUSTER_!

"ZEUS!" Hera yelled at her husband. "EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

"In case I want to knock someone up while they're high," Zeus defended himself.

"Mommy," Hebe said, "what's _this_?"

Hebe held up a box of tampons.

"Mommy will tell you all about those when you're a big girl," Hera cooed, shoving the tampons in her purse.

Finally, Hebe found a needle containing the valium. She handed it to Hera, who jabbed it into the kicking and crying Elytheia's arm. Elytheia immediately relaxed into the chair.

"Well, that was an ordeal," said Zeus. "I think I'm going to go back to the palace and watch a basketball ga—"

"No, you're in charge of carrying my patient to her room," snapped Hera.

"Screw you, Hera," Zeus mumbled. He picked up Elytheia, whose clothes were drenched in poop, and carried her off to her room in their palace.

That night at dinner, Hera was making some applesauce for Elytheia when Hebe ran into the room. "Uh…Mommy," she said uncertainly. "Uh…I had a little assident in my room again."

"Hebe," said Zeus from the couch, "we have got to potty-train you again. These accidents need to end sometime!"

"But Ellie pooped in the office today!"

"That's different."

"Zeus," Hera snapped, "clean up Hebe's urine. Then clean Hebe up. THEN help me make an apple pie!"

Zeus went upstairs with Hebe into her room. There was a puddle of pee on the wood floor…and Zeus was pissed!

"Oh, Hebe!" Zeus yelled at her. "Get me something to clean this up now!"

As Zeus was cleaning up Hebe's "accident", his hand slipped and he fell face-first into the pee. "Well," he said to himself, "I guess I deserved that for knocking up all those women."

 **Thanks for reviewing, guys! I hope you liked this chapter! Next chapter I'll be starting on the demigods!**


	35. Percy Teaches Swimming Lessons

**Here are the demigods! Finally! There's some stuff in here, so just sayin'…**

 **CHAPTER 35: PERCY TEACHES SWIMMING LESSONS**

Percy was watching a romantic movie with Annabeth in his cabin…in the dark…and eating popcorn.

"Perce," said Annabeth.

"Hmm, Wise Girl?"

"Do you have any more Twix bars?"

"Uh…I kinda…ya know…ate them."

Annabeth sighed and ate some more popcorn. "Typical you, Seaweed Brain!"

Percy was too busy munching on popcorn to care about what her personal thoughts about him were. Suddenly, something made him spit out the popcorn. When he chewed, his teeth started to kill him.

"What's up?" asked Annabeth.

"My tooth," Percy said, messaging his jaw. "I was just eating and now it hurts."

Annabeth put her hand on Percy's cheek and he winced. "All right," she said, standing up. "Percy, we're going to the dentist!"

Percy was literally in too much pain to care where Annabeth was dragging him this time. So he got up and walked with her to the Big House.

Annabeth knocked on Chiron's door. "Chiron? It's Annabeth! I need some help with something!"

Chiron opened the door. "Hello, Annabeth and Percy! What brings you to this neck of the woods tonight?"

"Chiron, Percy's got a toothache and I'm making him an appointment to go to a mortal dentist's office—"

"You sure you want to do that, Annabeth? Mortal dentists are extremely costly, and they're always late with their appointments, and sometimes, they rip people off. May I make a suggestion?"

"Sure."

"Make an appointment with the Olympus Medical Center. They'll fix Percy up in no time!"

"Do you have their number?"

"Yes! Come on in!"

When they entered Chiron's office, some awful jazz music was playing. Annabeth tried to ignore the sound, but it was so bad that she asked Chiron to shut that crap off.

Chiron handed Annabeth the number. "You'll most likely get the answering machine," he said.

Annabeth picked up the phone and dialed the number. Immediately, the answering machine voice came on. "Hello, fellow Olympians and demigods! You have reached the Olympus Medical Center! For an appointment for an extraction, press one. For an appointment for a different dental procedure, press two. If you have a question about your appointment and what to expect during it, press three. If you are calling to rant about how awful your experience was, press four. If you have a question about how many women Zeus has slept with, call Zeus at 111-1111. If you are ordering a pizza, you called the wrong place, dumbass!"

Annabeth pressed two and some bad music came on. Finally, the phone picked up. "Hello, this is Apollo speaking. How may I help you today?"

"Hi, Lord Apollo. This is Annabeth Chase from Camp Half-Blood. I'm calling on behalf of Percy Jackson. He's got this toothache and we're wondering if we can get him in to have it looked at."

"Sure, Annabeth! I'll put him down for two-thirty. Get it? _Tooth hurty_? HA HA HA!"

"Okay, we'll see you then." Annabeth hung up. "Two-thirty, Percy. You'll be able to find it?"

"You're not going with me?" Percy asked her.

"I'd love to go watch your tooth get drilled, but I have archery class."

"Of course you do," said Percy angrily.

The following afternoon, Percy headed all by himself to Olympus, where he went into the waiting room. He sat on the bench and looked at a magazine entitled _Open Wide! Olympus Medical Center Now Doing Other Dental Procedures That Are Just as Painful as the Wisdom Teeth Ones Were_. Percy shrugged and read the first article: "My Experiences at Olympus Medical Center" by Hermes.

" _ **MY EXPERIENCES AT OLYMPUS MEDICAL CENTER**_ **"**

 **BY HERMES**

 _When I went to a mortal dentist office not too long ago to have my wisdom teeth ripped out of my freaking face, it hurt like a bitch! Now I can come to the Olympus Medical Center without fear. The staff who works here is so intelligent and they make you feel comfortable. One time, I came here for a filling and my doctor was the one and only goddess of the hearth, Hestia! And when I was done_ —

 **BACK TO REALITY**

"Next!" a woman's crisp voice rang.

Percy put the magazine down and looked up.

Athena, goddess of wisdom, was staring down at him. She wore gray scrubs with owl designs on them. She already had her gloves and her mask on around her neck.

"Please tell me you're not next," said Athena, glancing at her clipboard. "Oh, yeah. You are."

"Are you my dentist?" asked Percy.

"No, stupid," Athena snapped. "I'm just the assistant. Your dentist's waiting inside. He says he was so excited that he didn't sleep last night. Come with me."

Athena led Percy into the exam room, where he found Poseidon texting someone on his phone (probably Triton, telling him to take out the trash and telling him what a sucky son he was).

"Percy, my favorite son!" Poseidon called, tackling Percy in a very manly hug.

"Dad?"

"Yes, son?"

"Dad, I'm not sure you'd be good with this. This procedure sounds extremely complicated."

"Oh, shut up and sit down!" Athena snapped at him.

Percy shrugged and sat down. Athena put a napkin around his neck and Poseidon picked up the mirror and the explorer. "Now, my favorite son, open your mouth so that I may examine you."

Percy opened his mouth and Poseidon examined him. Finally, Poseidon touched one of Percy's teeth with the explorer and Percy flipped out. Percy kicked Poseidon in his soft spot and Poseidon scooted away from his son. "Well," he said, his voice several octaves higher than it once was, "Perseus, it looks like you have a pretty deep cavity. We'll have to operate immediately!"

"WHAT?!"

"Don't you brush twice a day and floss?" Athena asked angrily.

"Yeah, I'm at camp twenty-four/seven, so I don't have time to floss because I'm killing monsters and stuff…"

Athena sighed and picked up Percy's chart. "Well, you can thank the gods you've already had your wisdom teeth out so Stupid doesn't have to do it."

"Owie," said Poseidon. He'd shrunk to the floor and was rolling around, panting like someone in labor. "Owie, owie, owie. Wow, kid, you've got some strong legs. Ever thought about running track?"

"Dad! Give me some drugs and do the freaking procedure!"

"Fine."

Poseidon's voice magically fell back into its deep, low register. "So, now I'm going to give you some topical so you don't feel the Novocain going in. Athena, fork it over!"

"No. I think not."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't like him."

"Just accept the fact that he and Annabeth are together and that's the end of it?" Poseidon snapped.

"I still do not approve of this little crap dating my daughter! I mean, did he get her pregnant? I am not sure! Did he give her an STD? I do not want to know!"

Poseidon stared down at Percy. "You don't have an STD, do you?"

"Not that I know of," said Percy. He stared up at the two gods. "Are you guys gonna do this or can I skip along here?"

"Oh, we're going to do it," said Poseidon, "if Athena would cooperate with me."

"I will do no such thing. This is so unwise for me to help you with this procedure, Poseidon."

"The longer you sit here, the longer you'll have to stare at my handsome son with his father's extremely handsome complexion."

Athena couldn't think of a smart-ass answer for that, so she handed Poseidon a swab of topical. Poseidon stuck it in Percy's mouth and Percy shuddered.

"Athena, give me the Novocain," Poseidon said.

"I might as well jab this up your butt, Barnacle Brains," Athena snapped back.

Poseidon finally had had enough, so he got up from his spot and shoved Athena off the chair. Then he reached into the drawer and pulled out the Novocain. Athena got up from the ground and bit Poseidon hard on the arm.

Poseidon started crying for Mommy Rhea. "WE DON'T BITE PEOPLE, ATHENA!" he yelled.

"We don't shove people either, Poseidon," Athena said calmly. "How very unwise and immature you are."

Poseidon brought the Novocain over to Percy. "You'll feel a little pinch, but then it shall be over and we get to fill that little bast—"

"Just do it," Percy drooled.

Poseidon gave Percy the Novocain, then looked at Athena. "What are you doing?"

"Just putting him out of reality," Athena said, putting the nitrous oxide mask over Percy's face. "Breathe deeply, Perseus."

Percy took a few deep breaths…and he was high. "Wow," he said five minutes later, "that was delicious! Can I have some more?"

"No, son," Poseidon said. "We have to do your filling now. So hold still while I drill."

Poseidon was done filling Percy's cavity, and Percy sat up and spat into the sink next to the chair. "You are so handsome," he told Athena. "You wanna go out?"

"Perseus Jackson!" Athena roared. "You will _never_ ask me to go out again. Now, I release you!"

Percy stumbled out of the room and wondered where he should go to get some goldfish. He loved goldfish. They were always so peaceful when they swam around. Percy liked the snack, too, but he was more focused on the live animal.

Percy walked around New York for a while, until he came upon a place called Sports-Tastic. Percy entered the place and went up to the desk.

A blond guy was sitting behind the counter. Percy thought he looked like Jason Grace.

"What's up?" said the guy.

"Hi, Jason," said Percy. "You guys got some goldfish here or something?"

"Uh…my name's Joe," said Joe. "And, no. But if you're looking for water, we're holding swim lessons. The first one's for free, but if you come back after that, it's thirty dollars per week."

"See ya, Jason!"

Percy ran through the hallway until he came to two doors. On the right was a women's locker room; on the left was a dude's locker room.

Percy and his high mind decided that going through the chick's locker room was a good idea today! He pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Percy had only seen a dude's locker room before, but a woman's locker room wasn't that different. There were showers and stalls for the bathroom and sinks. And THEN there were chicks changing. Percy's jaw dropped because he saw some stuff he probably shouldn't have been looking at.

One of the girls had blond hair and gray eyes. One girl was African-American and had curly hair. The other girl had dark skin and black hair. Percy was staring at Annabeth, Hazel, and Piper as they were getting dressed and into their swimsuits.

"So I told Jason, you can't kiss me until you get that zit off your face," Piper said.

"I told Frank that I wasn't talking to him again until he got over his new fear of dead people," said Hazel.

"And I told— _ **PERCY**_?!" Annabeth wheeled around to stare at her boyfriend. She covered herself up.

Percy smiled at her grotesquely. "Hey, ladies," he said. "I'm looking for my goldfish named Swimmy. Have you seen him?"

"No?" Hazel asked blankly.

"Good!"

Percy ran outside and headed into the pool area, where a swim teacher was taking attendance.

"Mark Addison?"

"Here!"

"Good! Go stand by—"

Percy tapped the guy on the shoulder. "Hey, handsome. I'm filling in for a dude."

"Name?"

"Seaweed Brain."

"Uh…your _real_ name."

"Percy Jackson," Percy giggled.

"Okay. You can have these kids right here." Swim Teacher Guy gestured to a bunch of little kids.

"Okay, children! Come with me!"

Percy led the kids to the deepest part of the pool, around the twelve-foot mark.

"Okay, kids," Percy drooled all over his swimsuit and all the kids laughed at him. "SHUT UP! So, I'm going to give you guys a test. When I saw now, you'll jump into the pool and try not to drown! NOW!"

All the kids jumped in…and about half of them died.

Percy went back to the instructor. "I killed some," he giggled and headed back through the women's locker room and back to Olympus, where Athena and Poseidon were still having an argument about who was more unwise and immature.

 **Any more dental procedures for the demigods? Who should do them, and what kinds of reactions should be seen from the drunk ones?**


	36. The Stolls Steal Stuff

**So this chapter of the demigods will be a bit different. We have the Stolls coming in for their appointments (wisdom teeth again), so this should be interesting…hopefully!**

 **Again, thanks so much for the reviews, and if you have any ideas for the Seven, just PM me or post it in a review for a procedure you'd like to see and what they should do afterwards!**

 **I DON'T OWN PJO/HOO or CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY!**

 **CHAPTER 36: THE STOLLS STEAL STUFF**

And so our story begins with our favorite sons of Hermes: Travis and Connor Stoll. Our story also begins with them being chased by the police.

"Oh, crap!" yelled Travis. "Dude, we gotta get outta here!"

Connor looked around frantically. "Dude! Alley!"

The boys rushed down the alley with their loot and looked around. There was an empty trashcan in the middle of the alley, and a homeless guy was sitting there.

"Hey," said the homeless guy in a glum voice. "How's it goin'?"

"Fine. We just robbed a game store." Travis held up _Cards Against Humanity_ and the homeless guy freaked out.

"I LOVE THIS GAME!" the homeless guy screamed.

"Yeah…so do we," Travis said awkwardly. "That's why we stole it."

"Yeah," the homeless guy said, "that's what I do in my spare time, too."

Both boys stared at him.

"You guys wanna play a round?" asked the homeless guy. "I'm Jupiter, by the way."

"Travis and Connor Stoll," said the boys.

"Ha-ha," said Jupiter the homeless guy. "You last name is Stoll when you steal stuff!"

"Oh!" Travis yelled. "Now I understand that joke Percy keeps trying to tell us!"

"Why do you keep looking at me funny?" Jupiter asked Connor.

"Sorry. Your name's very Roman," Connor said. "We're Greek, so we've had our fair share of Roman culture, too."

"Yeah. My wife's got a Roman name, too. Her name's Juno. She hates it."

"This is just getting awkward," said Travis. "Uh, can we play the game now or not?"

Jupiter dealt the cards out and they all began to play.

Two minutes later, Travis presented a black card to Jupiter. "Congratulations, Jupiter! Your card was _Every Christmas, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story of THE MIRACLE OF CHILDBIRTH_. That was pretty good!"

"Thanks," Jupiter said. "Our next card is _What's that sound?_ "

Jupiter handed the black card to Travis. "Congrats, man. You have answered that question with _Mall Santa_. That's great!"

Someone cleared their throat behind them and they all saw a woman in ragged clothes, holding a cane.

"Hello, Ceres," said Jupiter.

"Hello, Jupiter," Ceres said, coughing into a tissue. "How are you this morning?"

"Fine," said Jupiter.

"I see you have two new friends," Ceres observed.

"Yeah. Hey, since I've only known you guys for ten minutes, you wanna come to my cardboard box for some expired soda?"

"Sure!" said Travis. "We've got nothing better to do!"

So the four people headed a few feet down the alley where Jupiter lived, in a large refrigerator box.

"So," said Jupiter, "I feel like it's time to tell you guys something important about Ceres and me."

"What is it?" asked Connor.

Jupiter and Ceres snapped their fingers and their forms changed. Zeus was sitting before them and Demeter was right next to him. Both of them were wearing scrubs of different colors: Zeus' were blue and Demeter's were green.

"You two are late for your extractions," said Demeter. "And I don't like you," she glared at Travis.

Travis and Connor stood up awkwardly.

"Uh…we both got this sudden bout of diarrhea," said Travis. "So we're going to crap it out over there—"

Zeus and Demeter grabbed the boys by the wrists and teleported to Olympus.

Once they were in the waiting room, the boys went to the bench to sit down, but Zeus snapped his fingers and the bench disappeared.

"Give me the game," Zeus ordered.

Travis handed _Cards Against Humanity_ over to Zeus and Zeus teleported it back to the mortal world.

"Excellent," said Demeter approvingly. "Now, follow us into the exam room."

Connor and Travis were led into the exam room, which was behind a white curtain. They saw that there were two chairs, not one.

"Hephaestus installed this one last night when he realized you two were having it done simultaneously," Zeus explained. "And we have already assigned you chairs. Travis, you'll be with Hermes and Demeter. Connor, you'll be with me and Apollo. GET IN YOUR CHAIRS! **NOW**!"

Connor and Travis glumly headed to their chairs, where Apollo and Hermes greeted them.

"Hey, Connor," Apollo said, "ready for this?"

"Hey, Travis," said Hermes, "how are you?"

"Yep," said Connor.

"Good," said Travis. "Dad, we stole a game today!"

"I know. I heard," Hermes said, giving Travis a high five. "And it was a good game, too! I've taught you boys well."

Demeter slapped him from her chair. "I need to ask Travis some questions before we begin." She pulled out a clipboard and a piece of paper. "Did you eat your cereal this morning?"

"Cereal's for old people," said Travis.

Hermes chuckled as he was putting a mask on.

"So, you _don't_ like cereal? How unfortunate. I would've approved of you dating Katie, but I guess I will not approve of it unless you eat your cereal."

"Are you done yet?" asked Hermes. "I have to operate here."

"Yes. I suppose," said Demeter bitterly, putting the clipboard away and putting a mask on, too.

Meanwhile, in the chair next door, Zeus gave Connor some laughing gas while Apollo checked the amount of Novocain in the syringes. Then Apollo started talking in doctor-language, so Connor just spaced out.

"Any questions?" Zeus asked.

"No," said Connor.

"Excellent," said Zeus. "Apollo will now begin the procedure!"

Zeus handed Apollo the topical, which Apollo gave to Connor.

Meanwhile, in the other chair, Travis was already giggling like a maniac. Demeter was constantly dodging his flamboyant hands as they almost slapped her.

Overall, the procedures took about an hour per Stoll, so as soon as they hopped out of their chairs, they went to the first place they could think of: GameStop.

"Connor," said Travis in a slurred voice, "l-let's go in there and s-see what the hell's going on."

"My tummy hurts," Connor giggled. "I have to go poopsies!"

The boys entered GameStop, where the cashier looked at them. "Hi, boys," he said. "Can I help you today?"

"Hello, mister dude," said Connor. "We are looking for the bathroom!"

"In the back," said the guy.

Connor apparently didn't have to go anymore, so he slipped behind a nearby table, full of video games. "Twavis," he said, his face full of gauze, "let's get dis one!"

"Dude, slip it in your coat!"

"OTAY!"

Connor took a video game and slipped it under his coat. Travis grabbed another game and slipped it under his coat. Then the two boys headed out of the store. The store, oddly enough, didn't have an alarm, so the boys got off easy.

They headed back to Olympus, where the gods were cleaning up the exam room. Zeus snapped his fingers and one of the chairs disappeared. Now the office looked like it did before the boys had their procedures done.

"Daddy," Connor squealed, "I stoled somethin'!"

"Good for you, son! I love you guys!" Hermes hugged and kissed his kids. "We need to take your medicine. C'mon. Dr. Apollo's getting it ready right now."

Demeter looked at Travis. "I'll let you keep dating Katie if you eat this bowl of Frosted Flakes."

"Okay, Lord Demeter!"

Travis spat the gauze out on Demeter's shoe and took the bowl of cereal from her. He attempted to eat it, but spat it back out again because he was still numb. Well, to make a long story short, Demeter got mad because Travis spat out her favorite food on the floor.

 **STEALING IS WRONG, CHILDREN!**


	37. Ah, Rotting Wheat!

**Owlion12—once again—for the hallucinations idea with Demeter and Trippypants!**

 **CHAPTER 37: AH…ROTTING WHEAT**

One day, Demeter and Triptolemus ( _gag_ ) were on a date in a cornfield. They were having a lovely picnic together…and they were—of course—talking about agriculture and farming.

"I had another kitten come around today to my farm," Trip said.

"Did you name it?" Demeter asked, her cheeks all red.

"I did," Triptolemus said. "And I named her Demeter, because she was cute…just like you are."

"Oh, Triptolemus!"

"Oh, Demeter!"

They made out in the cornfield.

Demeter picked up an apple and bit into it. Ah…the taste was divine! It was one of the best apples she'd ever eaten! Of course it was the best, because she'd grown it, so it was bound to be good!

Demeter was about halfway through eating her apple when she looked up at Triptolemus. "Trip?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you mind if I borrowed your almanac for a moment? I need to make sure I harvested my barley at the correct time."

"Sure, Dem."

Trip handed the almanac to Demeter, who flipped through the pages. "Oh, I can't do it until _next_ week! I thought I was late." She handed the book to Triptolemus.

"Hey," said Trip, "would you mind if I sashayed to a random part of the cornfield and peed real quick?"

"No," Demeter replied.

Trip was peeing in a random part of the cornfield when he heard a loud squeal. "Really, Demeter?" he snapped quietly.

Trip finished peeing and ran back to Demeter. "What's wrong, Dem?"

"Well, I was eating this bowl of cereal and I got this awful toothache."

Trip picked Demeter up bridal-style. Thank the gods Demeter was wearing a pair of overalls. "I'll take care of you," he insisted. "Let's go to Olympus!"

They headed to the Olympus Medical Center and Trip sat Demeter down on the bench. Demeter messaged her face, as if trying to prove she _did_ have a bad toothache.

Trip walked up to Hestia, who was sitting by the hearth, stoking the flames. Then Trip realized she was roasting a marshmallow. Hestia plucked the marshmallow off the skewer and ate it. She smiled and noticed him. "Hello, Lord Triptolemus," she said. "What's up?"

"Uh…Demeter's got a toothache," said Triptolemus, "so…is there a god on call or something?"

"Well, I'm not sure. Let me go into the office and look."

Hestia ran into the office, where Hades and Persephone were glaring at each other.

"I didn't do it!" Persephone yelled.

"Yes you did!" Hades yelled.

"Guys," Hestia said.

Both gods shut up.

"What's going on in here?"

"Persephone farted in her sleep last night and it was so bad that I had to sleep on the couch," Hades said bitterly. "But she's denying she did such a thing."

"How about you two shut the Hades up?" snapped Hestia angrily. "Someone's here to see you."

"Send them in," said Hades.

Hestia walked outside, bringing Demeter and Trip in. Demeter was in tears and Trip was trying his absolute best to calm her down.

"Oh, gross!" Hades groaned. "What horrible thing did I do to deserve this?"

Demeter was in too much pain to come up with a smartass comment. So she pointed to her face as Trip sat her down in the chair and went off to the corner so he could watch the lovely torture.

Persephone took out a napkin and put it on her mother's shirt. Then she took out a clipboard and looked at her. "Mother, what's going on?"

"I was eating an apple and I got this horrible toothache!" Demeter sobbed.

"Mm-hmm," Persephone said, writing it down. "And, on a scale of one to ten with ten being the worst, how would you rate your pain right now?"

"Eight," Demeter replied, messaging her jaw.

"Yeah, okay. We'll need to take some x-rays."

Once the x-rays were developed, Hades and Persephone looked at them. Hades stifled a laugh. "Uh…well, Demeter. It looks like you have a pretty deep cavity that we can't fill. So the only option is to do a root canal."

"Hades, how's this funny?" Trip asked from his spot.

"Because she deserves this pain!" Hades cackled. "So…let's get started, shall we?"

Hades kicked the button and the chair fell backwards. He turned on the light and picked up some tools. "Persephone, I'll need the topical."

Persephone handed Hades a swab of topical and Hades gave it to Demeter. As soon as Demeter tasted it, she relaxed, which was probably the first and last time a god or demigod would like the taste of artificial flavoring.

"What flavor, Demeter?" asked Trip.

"Ah…sorghum flavored!" Demeter giggled.

Hades grabbed the Novocain and gave it to Demeter. Then, just so she wouldn't ask him about cereal during the procedure, he gave her some valium (because for some reason, the gods liked using that stuff).

Demeter wasn't necessarily high now, but she was numb. Plus, she was starting to hallucinate and she thought everything was cereal and whatever.

As soon as Hades picked up the drill, Demeter reached out and touched his beard. She giggled. "Your wheat is rotting," she giggled. "Rotting wheat is bad for you, Hades!"

"Yeah, well…" Hades said, "open your mouth and shut up! I hate when you talk. It's like this annoying ringing in my ears that I can't get rid of!"

Hades started to drill, but Demeter wanted to talk about wheat some more. So she turned to face Persephone. She wanted to say, "Persephone, do you like wheat, too?" But what Persephone _actually_ heard was: "Per-eh-fnee, do you lahk wheat, too?"

"What was that, Mother?" Persephone asked.

"I asked you if you like wheat, too," Demeter drooled.

"Uh…sure," said Persephone. "I'm your kid, so I kinda _have_ to."

"Demeter, please rinse and lie back down in the freaking chair so this doesn't last longer than it should," Hades snapped.

Demeter rinsed and lied back into the chair. Hades filled the cavity he'd drilled and Demeter sat up and rinsed again.

Suddenly, Demeter rounded on Hades. "You…YOU HAVE ROTTING WHEAT ON YOUR FACE!" she screamed, reaching for Hades' beard.

"No I don't!" yelled Hades.

"Yes you do!" Demeter screamed again. "It's ugly…just like you are!"

Triptolemus walked over to Demeter. "Dem, sweetheart, Hades' beard isn't rotting wheat. You're just getting high from whatever the Hades he gave to you."

Demeter started crying. "My beautiful wheat! It's all rotten now!"

"She'll come around when she's _not_ high anymore," Persephone said. "Just make sure she doesn't eat anything for a few hours while she's numb."

Triptolemus nodded and offered his hand to Demeter. "Dem, let's go."

Demeter took his hand. "Nice to meet you, Prince Trip!"

"Let's go back to plough the fields, Dem! We didn't do that yesterday."

"Yeah. Yeah. Okay."

So Demeter and Trip headed back for the fields and began to plough.


	38. Hazel Freaks About X-Rays

**CONFESSION TIME: I had to look up when Hazel was born, so some credit goes to Camp Half-Blood Wiki. Idea credit goes to AutumnLeaves03. If you guys have other ideas (for the Seven and Tyson specifically), let me know. I'll give you credit!**

 **I've also heard two names for Persephone's Roman form, so for the sake of this chapter, let's call her** _ **Proserpina**_ **.**

 **For those of you who've had braces, retainers, or expanders, I feel your pain, so this chapter's dedicated to you guys so you can all read about Hazel's lovely torture.**

 **CHAPTER 38: HAZEL FREAKS ABOUT X-RAYS**

Once upon a time, in the lovely land of Camp Jupiter, there lived a chick named Hazel Levesque. Hazel was a beautiful girl and very intelligent.

One day, Hazel was eating breakfast when Reyna appeared next to her. "Hello, Hazel," said Reyna politely. "I have gotten a message from Mercury, the fleet-footed messenger god who likes to come here for free booze whenever he wants."

"Yeah, I know who he is," said Hazel.

"Anyway, he wanted me to tell you that Pluto has made you an appointment for you to get your teeth examined. For some reason, the gods have decided to pull their kids' wisdom teeth—or do other dental procedures. At any rate, your appointment is tomorrow at one."

"Reyna, I'm scared. I haven't been to the dentist since I died and stuff. What has changed?"

Octavian appeared behind Reyna in a creepy-stalker manner. "Hazel, what you need to know about dentistry nowadays is that they put needles in your mouth…"

Hazel blanched.

"…and they make you bleed…"

Hazel started chewing on her fingernails.

"…AND then they KILL YOU!" Octavian yelled dramatically.

"Wait a sec," said Hazel suspiciously, "if they kill their patients, then how come when Reyna came back from her cleaning at the mortal dentist last week she was smiling?"

"Because," said Octavian, "this isn't the real Reyna. This is her evil twin…uh…Jessica!"

"Octavian," said Hazel, "don't you think—as a daughter of Pluto—I would be able to _sense_ Reyna was dead?"

"Oh…I guess I wasn't ready for that. Well, toodle-doo! I have to kill stuffed bunnies! Bye!"

"Hazel, I'll go with you," Frank offered, putting a hand on Hazel's back.

"Oh, Frank," Hazel said, blushing furiously, "that would be wonderful."

The following afternoon, Frank and Hazel headed up to Olympus for Hazel's appointment. How they got there is still a mystery, but they made it there alive.

Hazel and Frank sat down on the bench and read the magazines. Hazel found a magazine called _Brace Face: What to Expect with Braces (If Your Dentists are Gods!)_. Frank was examining one called _War…That's All, Punks_.

"Hazel?" a woman's voice called.

Hazel looked up to see her stepmother Proserpina staring down at her. Hazel hadn't met Proserpina before, but she'd heard stories about her from Nico. Nico told Hazel how Proserpina was always changing him into flowers because she was jealous of Hades falling in love with Maria di Angelo. Hazel wasn't sure how Proserpina would treat her today, but she knew she'd find out sooner or later.

Proserpina was holding a clipboard and wearing a nurse's jacket with leaves on it instead of flowers. If possible, the leaves made her look U.G.L.Y., more so than the flowers would've made her look.

"Lady Proserpina," said Hazel, bowing low to the ground.

"Don't waste my time," snapped Proserpina. "My husband Pluto has informed me that you need a dental exam. Come back with me. Your dentist is waiting."

When Hazel was, like, three or something, her mother took her to the dentist, and it had been awful! All Hazel remembered was them not treating her well and sticking all sorts of not-so-nice things in her mouth. Now that it was, like, a lot of years later, Hazel didn't feel any different about what she was facing right now.

She faced a red, leather chair with matching red arms on it so the patients couldn't run off during their appointments. The huge light was hanging over the chair, but it wasn't on yet. The platform where the tools were placed was sitting on the right-hand side of the chair, and a sink was placed on the left. Hazel also saw some tools that frightened her, like the drill. Oh, that thing scared the living Hades out of her!

Proserpina glared at Hazel. "Sit down in the chair, Hazel."

Hazel sat down in the chair and looked at her dentist, who was wearing a biker's jacket and had tons of fight scars on his face. But her dentist was looking at her, for he was looking in the opposite direction, playing _God of War_.

Proserpina cleared her throat. Mars spun around, still holding the remote. "WHAT?!" he barked.

"Your patient's here," Proserpina snapped harshly.

"Yeah. So?"

"So, check her out."

Mars looked at the clipboard, then he looked at Hazel. "Aren't you the kid dating my kid?"

"Uh…yes, Lord Mars."

"Good. He treating you well? Is he carrying you off in a romantic way to his bed where you guys do stuff that you don't wanna tell me about?" Mars demanded. Then he blinked. "Oh…wait. Venus and I do that. Forget that last part."

"Yeah. He treats me very well. He takes me out to dinner once a week."

"Excellent!" Mars boomed. "Well, you haven't been for a cleaning in…lots and lots of years. So we'll need to do some x-rays. Proserpina here will develop them while I continue to play this freaking game!"

Proserpina picked up a piece of cardboard and made Hazel bite on it. Then she brought the machine over and was about to take the x-rays, when Hazel spat the cardboard out of her mouth and glared at her. "What is that? A death ray? Are you trying to kill me?"

"No!" Proserpina snapped. "It's just like taking a picture."

So the two chicks tried to do the x-rays again, and they were successful this time.

"Oh, this game sucks!" yelled Mars bitterly. "Okay! Hazel, it looks like you have a cavity, so we'll get that filled right away. And it also looks like your bite's a little off, so we'll also be putting some braces on." Mars snapped on some gloves. "I don't want this to hurt _too_ much, but it'll hurt anyway because I'm the war god and I'm generally a jackass." He kicked the chair back and turned on the light. "All right, Levesque. Open up!"

Mars found the cavity right away, so he asked for the topical (he threatened the beat Proserpina up if she didn't give it to him). When Mars was giving Hazel the Novocain, Hazel grabbed for Proserpina's hand. Proserpina jerked it away quickly. "No, young lady," she snapped. "You will _not_ be holding my hand because my husband—in his Roman form, no less—knocked up your mother. I am _extremely_ jealous of that, so therefore as your punishment, you will suffer through the needle!"

Hazel just glared at her stepmother and turned back to Mars, who had just extracted the needle. "And now…" he said dramatically, "…we wait for everything to kick in. Give her some water, Proserpina!"

Proserpina sighed and handed Hazel some water.

Hazel sat back in the chair as Mars filled the cavity. Then he explained what he would do next.

"So, kid," he said, "now we're going to do an impression of your teeth. Actually, Proserpina will do it. We just need to see where your braces need to go."

Hazel panicked, like she'd done for the x-rays.

Mars and Proserpina switched places. Actually, Mars went back to the computer and started to play a violent game (and swearing at it).

Proserpina glared at Hazel. "Okay, I hate doing this, but this'll be fun. This is an impression tray," she explained, holding up a tray that went on the top and bottom teeth. "It'll tell us where your braces need to go."

"Are you just rewording what he said?" asked Hazel, jabbing her thumb at Mars.

"You talk that way to me again, I'll send you on the highway to Hell and you won't be resurrected this time! MWAHAHA! Okay, now in all seriousness, what flavor would you like today?"

Hazel looked at a chart Proserpina was showing her. There were all kinds of flavors: root beer, cherry, bubblegum, the whole works! Hazel chose chocolate and watched as Proserpina mixed some stuff together, blended it until it formed some goo, then put the goo into the impression trays. "Okay," Proserpina said, " _please_ try not to puke on me." And she put the goo in Hazel's mouth.

As soon as Proserpina put the goo in Hazel's mouth, she gagged so bad it made her throw up…all over Proserpina's new shoes.

"DAMMIT, HAZEL!" screamed Proserpina.

"What's going on here?"

Frank had entered the exam room, which didn't make Proserpina too happy.

"What are you doing in here? Do you have an appointment?" she barked.

"No, but I heard Hazel puking, so I had to see what was up with that."

Frank walked over to Hazel, but Proserpina was too quick for him. Just as he was sitting on the edge of the chair and about to grip Hazel's hand, Proserpina grabbed Frank by the shoulders and threw him out of the office.

"Go away!" Proserpina yelled at him.

"Bitch," Frank muttered.

"I HEARD THAT!" Proserpina turned to Hazel. "Now, if your gag reflex is done activating, let us try this yet again."

Just like the x-rays, they were successful the second time.

Meanwhile, Mars was trying to get his zombies in the game to the castle to eat the princess. Apparently, the game was switched backwards. See, Mars didn't like when the good guys were the heroes, so that's why he played all the zombie games.

Mars stopped playing the game only because Proserpina unplugged the computer. "You bitch!" he screamed at her. "I hate you!"

"Your son apparently hates me, too. Hazel's impressions are ready."

Mars did some stuff with the impressions, then turned to Hazel, bring a new tool tray over to her. Mars quickly put the braces on and Hazel sat up. Back when she was alive the first time, she saw lots of people with braces wearing headgear, and she didn't like the look of that too much.

Proserpina led Hazel outside and glared at Frank. "Frankie," she said, "this is your new girlfriend Hazel."

"Yeah, that's the name of my _current_ girlfriend," Frank replied bitterly.

"Just…just get out," Proserpina said warily.

Frank and Hazel headed back to Camp Jupiter.

"Did it hurt?" asked Reyna as they were all sitting down for dinner.

"Uh-huh," said Hazel. Her face was still frozen, but she was drinking soup, because the braces were killing her teeth. "So, what'd we miss while we were gone?"

"Well, Octavian ran over some kid as he was driving in New Rome," said Reyna angrily.

"Is he okay?" Frank asked.

"Oh, yeah. He's fine."

"He meant the kid," Hazel said.

"Oh, no. The kid's dead. He's been dead for about two hours. And we never gave him a nice funeral. What wonderful Roman jerks we are!" Reyna turned to Hazel again, who was busy trying to keep the soup in her mouth. She wasn't being too successful with it. "Tell me when your next appointment is."

"I have to get these tightened every few weeks," Hazel replied bitterly. "And I hated the assistant. It was Proserpina, Roman goddess of flowers."

"Well, you're better off with her than you would've been with Ceres," Reyna said. "I heard she asks you questions about cereal."

"Hello, everyone!"

Octavian sat down at their table and helped himself to a cheeseburger.

"Octavian, are you aware you killed a kid while you were driving today?" asked Reyna.

"Yep."

"May I ask why?"

"Well, he ran in front of my car, I honked twice, I waited two seconds and he didn't move…so I killed him. Don't worry. I had a private funeral for him and buried him."

"Where did you put him? In Pluto Cemetery?" Reyna demanded.

"Nope. I threw him in the river and he kinda fell down the waterfall. So no one knows where he is."

"Ugh." Reyna looked at Frank. "When's your appointment?"

"I don't know. Hopefully soon. My teeth are actually starting to hurt now that you mention it."


	39. Perseus Confronts Zeus

**This isn't Percy again…it's the hero Perseus, so Paperboy Jacky gets credit for this one! But Greek heroes aren't my specialty!**

 **CHAPTER 39: PERSEUS CONFRONTS ZEUS**

Perseus, Orpheus, and Bellerophon were all chilling out in the Underworld in Elysium. All was going well. They were talking about their various quests.

"So," said Orpheus, "when I came to the Underworld and played my music for Cerberus, _I_ almost cried because my music was so beautiful."

"Oh yeah?" snapped Bellerophon. "Well, when _I_ did that heroic thing that nobody cares about, I did something like—Perseus, what are you doing?"

Perseus, the dude who killed Medusa, was sitting in his chair and rubbing his face.

"What's wrong?" asked Orpheus.

"Guys, do your teeth hurt today?" Perseus asked.

"No," said Bellerophon. "No. But they could be hurting because you don't brush your teeth!"

"If I didn't do it in Greece, I'm not starting now," snapped Perseus. "I'm going to Asclepius."

"Ooh…" said Orpheus.

"What?" asked Perseus.

"Dude, I don't think that's a good idea," said Bellerophon. "Asclepius might not be available. Why don't you ask Lord Hades if there's some Advil or something."

"Why bother taking drugs? I'm dead. What do I care?"

He had a point.

"Look," said Orpheus, "just go see Lord Hades and get it taken care of."

So Perseus made the long, scary-ass journey to the Palace of Hades. When he arrived, he was greeted by Thanatos.

"Hey," said Thanatos. "What's up?"

"I'd like an audience with Hades," Perseus replied formally.

"He's…uh…doing something in the bathroom," Thanatos said.

"What kind of something?"

"Taking a shower," Thanatos said. "In the meantime, what would you be talking with him about?"

"My teeth hurt," said Perseus.

"I'd recommend going to the Olympus Medical Center." Thanatos wrote out the address and phone number. "Here you are, Perseus. Make an appointment now."

The following afternoon at one-thirty, Perseus was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for his dentists to call him back.

Someone cleared their throat and Perseus looked up. Standing before him was a guy of about seventeen, dressed in blue scrubs with a mask around his neck.

"Hi…Perseus," the guy said, glancing at the clipboard. "I'm Percy, and I'll be assisting Dr. Chase today. Come on back."

Perseus followed Percy into the office, where he sat in the chair. Percy put a napkin on Perseus' shirt and took out the clipboard and a pen.

"So," Percy said, "it sounds like you're having tooth issues, eh?"

"Yeah," said Perseus.

"Holy Hera!" Percy scanned the clipboard, then looked at Perseus again. "Are you, like, _the_ Perseus?"

"Yes!" Perseus yelled at Percy.

"Sorry, Mr. Pubescent," Percy said bitterly, "just trying to make small-talk here."

"Well, you suck at it," Perseus snapped again.

"Boys," said Annabeth, coming into the room, her long, blond hair bouncing on her shoulders, "that's quite enough!"

Annabeth sat in the dentist's seat and looked at Perseus. "Hi, Perseus. I'm Annabeth and I'll be doing this procedure today. Can you tell me what's going on?"

"Well, I was hanging out with my buddies and my teeth started hurting all of a sudden."

"Well," Annabeth said, picking up some tools, "let me take a look."

Annabeth set the tools down a moment later. "Perseus, you have three decaying teeth that we'll need to remove right away."

"Ooh," said Percy sarcastically, "sucks for you, dude."

"Shut it, Seaweed Brain!" Annabeth snapped. "Hand me the topical."

Percy handed Annabeth some topical and Annabeth gave Perseus the Novocain and the laughing gas. Perseus was high…and when I say _high_ , I mean he was _really_ high.

While they waited, Percy took out a book and began to read it. Annabeth, who knew Percy was also dyslexic, asked him what he was reading.

" _Dentistry for Dummies_ ," Percy replied. "I bought it yesterday when we went shopping, so I thought the gods could use it."

"Yeah, but the gods are more intelligent than we are, Seaweed Brain," Annabeth replied. "My mother is the most intelligent of them all."

"No comment," said Percy, flipping through the pages. "Can we rip his teeth out yet?"

"Yeah."

Annabeth grabbed the pair of forceps and looked at Perseus. "Are you completely numb yet?"

"Uh-huh," Perseus replied, drooling on the napkin.

Once Annabeth ripped his teeth out, she glanced at Percy. "Okay, Perce. Can you tell me how to put these stupid stitches in?"

Percy thumbed through the book. "Well…let's see here…looks like you'll need to—"

"Never mind. I've got this!" Annabeth declared.

Once the stitches were in place, Annabeth and Percy sent Perseus outside to go be high somewhere else.

As Perseus was heading back to the Underworld, he saw the throne room's doors were open and Zeus was sitting on his throne…mumbling some things about Hera to himself. Since Zeus probably didn't remember Perseus, Perseus headed into the throne room.

Zeus was sitting on his throne and looking a little agitated about something. "Stupid acid reflux," he griped. "Hera tells me to sit on my throne, but all she wants is me out of the house. And now these chains are on me so I can't go anywhere and make love to a hot goddess!" Zeus stopped ranting when he saw some kid standing in front of him. "Who are you?"

"Whassup?" Perseus slobbered. "I am Pewseus, son of Zeus!"

"Oh, you're one of my kids. Fair enough. What is it that you want?"

"I have a couple of questions to ask you, good sir," Perseus said thickly. "I wanna know why you're such a crappy father first!"

Zeus actually had to think about that. "Well…whenever I knock up a woman, I tend to let her be tortured by my lovely wife Hera—note the sarcasm—and when the woman's in labor, I let her deal with that on her own."

"Oh. Where's my mommy?"

"Uh…probably dead somewhere in Greece or something."

"What color is your underwear?"

"All right, that's it!" Zeus stood up from his throne and glared at his son. In a dangerously-calm voice, he said: "I'd like you to go back to the Underworld and get some sleep. You look drunk."

So with that, Zeus sent the high Perseus out of the throne room. He watched as his son stumbled on the way to Hades.


	40. Triptolemus Proposes a Question

**Okay, here's Trip's chapter…again. Credit goes to Owlion12 for the idea of making stuff awkward between Trip, Demeter, and Persephone. And apparently, Trip now has acid reflux. AND…lots of Tremeter (Triptolemus/Demeter) stuff in here.**

 **CHAPTER 40: TRIPTOLEMUS PROPOSES A QUESTION**

Triptolemus, our favorite god of farming, was sitting in his house, waiting for Demeter. Today, Trip wasn't dressed in his usual, ugly, denim stuff. Today, he was dressed in a pair of jeans (which are denim, yes, but who really gives a crap?), a nice shirt, and nice shoes. Yes, he was wearing a lot of nice things today. Also, he didn't smell like fertilizer; he had put on manly cologne, which Triptolemus would probably never be caught dead in.

Why was Triptolemus wearing nice things today instead of farming clothes? See, Trip was planning on having a special lunch with Demeter that day. He had made a whole meal using grains. He'd made freshly-baked bread, pasta, and they would be having cereal for dessert. Trip didn't really like eating chocolate, because that would affect his ability to farm, which would really suck for him.

The doorbell rang and Triptolemus walked to the door and opened it. Standing before him was Demeter in a green dress that sparkled.

"Hi, Trippy," Demeter said cheerfully. "How nice to see you."

"Hi, Dem," Triptolemus said happily. "Come on in. The bread is almost ready!"

They headed into Triptolemus' kitchen and Demeter sat down at the table. Trip pulled out the bread and set it on the table. He took a sharp knife out and cut it, putting it on a plate next to the butter.

As they ate, Trip started to feel a pain in his jaw whenever he took a bite of the bread. As much as he tried to keep it to himself, Demeter noticed (because she's a mother so she kind of knows this kind of stuff).

"Trip? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Why? What makes you think I'm _not_ okay?"

"Well, when you're chewing, you're making this weird face that makes you look like you're constipated," Demeter said. "Of course, if you _were_ constipated, I'd have to kill you, because any agricultural deity who gets constipated must answer to me."

"Why? Everyone gets constipated once in a while, Dem."

"That's true, but we agricultural deities eat well and our diets have lots of fiber in them. So there is no reason for any agriculture god to get constipated!"

"There's just one problem with that," said Trip bitterly. "I'm immortal, so how are you going to kill me?"

"Well…I could…ah…uh…well…"

"Yeah, thought so."

"Triptolemus! Remember: if you get stressed, your acid reflux will get worse."

Demeter was right: Triptolemus had just been diagnosed with acid reflux. That meant if he ate too much spicy foods, drank too much wine, or got really stressed, his stomach would shoot his food back up into his esophagus.

Since Trip hated acid reflux as much as the next person, he decided to tell Demeter what was bothering him. "Dem," he said, "whenever I take a bite of food, my teeth hurt."

"That's weird because you just had your teeth pulled a few weeks ago." Demeter got up from the table. "I'm going to have a look at your teeth, Triptolemus." And she went to the counter and grabbed a flashlight. "Open up," she instructed.

Triptolemus opened his mouth and Demeter shined the flashlight on his teeth. Trip closed his mouth once Demeter was done.

"I don't see anything, honey," Demeter said. "But if it still hurts tomorrow, we'll go to the dentist, okay?"

"Aw, I _hate_ the dentist," Trip ranted.

"Why, Trippy?"

"Because every time I go, they put their hands in your mouth and ask you questions, which you can't answer anyway because you've got stuff in your face! And then they put all these weird tools in there and _then_ they make you gag on stuff that doesn't taste good!"

"Correction," said Demeter, "they make _you_ gag."

"That's because you can tolerate that kind of thing," Trip said. Then he realized that his stomach was already on fire. "Oh gods…" he moaned. "GET ME THE PEPTO-BISMOL!"

Demeter ran to the medicine cabinet above the stove and picked through it. "Uh…we've got Tums, laxatives, cereal—YAY, YOU HAVE CEREAL!—mustard, pickles, vitamin water, beets, canned tuna, and oatmeal."

"Ugh," Trip said, clutching his stomach.

"Here," Demeter said, handing him two Tums. Then she took Trip over to the couch and propped him up on some pillows and sat with him.

"Dem," Trip groaned, "can you rub my tummy?"

"Sure."

"Can you stay here tonight so I'm not lonely and we can do stuff in bed?"

"Of course, Trippy."

Demeter rubbed Trip's stomach while he whined like the baby he is on the couch.

After about five minutes, the Tums started to work and Trip sighed with relief. "Ah…" he breathed. "That's better."

Demeter took her hand off his stomach.

"Did I tell you to stop?" Trip demanded.

"Just out of curiosity, did you ever talk to your mother like that?" asked Demeter.

"No. But I talked to the servants like that. Oh, they hated me!"

"Do tell," Demeter insisted.

 **RANDOM FLASHBACK…A LONG TIME AGO IN ANCIENT GREECE** _ **WAY**_ **BEFORE TRIPPY AND DEMETER MET**

Once upon a time, Prince Triptolemus had walked down the street and back and his feet were killing him (which was pathetic because his mom, Queen Metaneira, was, like, nine months pregnant and _she_ wasn't complaining about her feet killing her). At any rate, Triptolemus went to the nearest servant and cleared his throat. "Hey, random servant guy!" he called. "I command that you rub my feet!"

"But…Prince Trip—"

"Are you my friend?"

The servant shook his head.

"That's right! Only my friends can call me _Trip_. You, mister, will call me _Triptolemus, Prince Triptolemus, Prince T,_ or _Prince McAwesomesauce_."

The servant had Triptolemus sit in the royal chair and began to rub his feet. Five minutes later, he stopped rubbing.

"Did I tell you stop?" Trip snapped.

"No, Prince T!"

"Ugh…when _you_ say it, it sounds all wrong. Keep rubbing! Dinner's not going to be ready for five hours and I need my princely nap!"

 **END OF FLASHBACK**

"Yeah, that guy died from depression a few weeks after that happened," Trip said.

"I see," said Demeter. "Time for bed, Triptolemus. You're not feeling well."

Often, when Trip and Demeter spent the night together, Demeter became all motherly towards Trip.

So, of course, when they got up to Trip's bathroom, Demeter brought out her toiletry bag. She pulled out a toothbrush, floss, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

"Do I have to brush tonight?" Trip groaned.

"Yes," Demeter snapped.

Trip and Demeter brushed together. Then Demeter took out the floss and handed a strand of it to Triptolemus. "You might have something caught in there, Trip."

About ten minutes later, Trip and Demeter were in bed.

"So, how was farming today?" asked Demeter as she closed her book called _Agriculture Through the Ages_.

"It was good. It was really hot, which means I was sweating, so I came inside and showered. How was farming for you?"

"It was fine." Demeter sighed heavily, making the whole area around them smell like spearmint. "I plowed the fields today and ran over a kitten. Then I cried for a while, but then I was okay because I saw an even cuter kitten and named her Blossom."

"That's cool," said Triptolemus, clutching his cheek.

"All right," Demeter snapped. "That's it. We're going to the dentist tomorrow!"

The following morning, Demeter woke up to Trip snuggling up next to her.

"Trip," Demeter cooed.

"Barley," Trip said, reaching for Demeter's hair. "Barley is yummy. Yummy, yummy, yummy!" For some reason, Trip thought barley was delicious that morning, so he—in his sleep—began to chew on Demeter's hair.

"TRIPTOLEMUS!" screamed Demeter.

"Wh-what happened? Is it time to plant the pumpkin seeds again?"

"No! YOU WERE EATING MY HAIR! WHAT WERE YOU DREAMING ABOUT?!"

"I was dreaming about farming…like you dream about flowers and sunshine," Triptolemus sighed. "What time is my appointment?"

"Oh, I called last night, and Zeus said you could come in at eleven."

"Is _he_ doing the procedure today?"

"No. I'm not sure who is, but I'm sure they'll be wonderful with you."

It was eleven and Demeter and Triptolemus were in the waiting room. Trip was fidgeting because he was nervous about his dentist; he wasn't worried at all about the procedure.

Persephone walked out of the exam room, so both gods knew who the dentist was probably going to be.

"Hi, Mommy," Persephone squealed. "Hi, Trippy! Are you ready for your appointment?"

"No," said Triptolemus.

"Ooh…too bad."

Persephone led the two gods back to the exam room. And guess who was waiting for them?

"Honey, our patient's here," Persephone said.

Persephone called everybody _honey_ , so it could've been any of the dude gods doing the procedure today.

At the counter sat a man dressed in black, so Triptolemus knew this would be absolutely terrible.

Hades turned around and glared at Triptolemus, then at Demeter, then at Persephone. "I love how I'm the only god here who has no control over agriculture whatsoever."

"Well, who would want _you_ planting their seeds?" snarled Demeter.

"Sit down, Triptolemus. And let's make this quick because Nico and I are having a boys' night out to get away from the Underworld."

"Where are you going?" asked Triptolemus, hoping to change the subject.

"We are going to this place called an arcade. We shall be playing a game called laser tag, then we shall go out for dinner, and then I shall return to my humble abode to torture the hell out of dead people," Hades replied. "So, why are you in here today?"

"Well, I was eating dinner last night and my teeth hurt whenever I ate something," Trip groaned.

"Well, let's take a look and see what's going on," said Hades, turning on the light.

Trip gripped Demeter's hand (because they were madly in love) while Hades looked him over.

Finally, Hades put the tools down and looked at Trip. "Triptolemus," he said seriously, "you have a very deep cavity that's too deep to be filled. Unfortunately, we'll have to do a root canal on you right away so it doesn't get worse."

Hades and Persephone gave Triptolemus the medicine and Trip was pretty high at this point.

"So," Hades said, "while we're waiting, you wanna hear the list of why I hate Demeter?"

Trip giggled. "Uh-huh," he replied.

"Okay." Hades took a deep breath. "All she eats every meal of the day is cereal, she smells like a freaking flower shop—and it makes me nauseous—she tortured me in the dental chair for not flossing—"

"Got that right," Demeter interrupted.

"AND," Hades said angrily, "I was constipated the other day and I asked her for some fiber thingies and she wouldn't give 'em to me…that heartless bitch."

"That was _not_ impressive," Demeter nagged. "Trip's list was much longer."

"Because I hate him more. Okay, time to work. Open your mouth, Triptolemus!"

"Hey, guess what?" Trip giggled.

"What?" Hades said.

"I…love…you…" Trip said.

"Yeah, okay," said Hades anxiously. "Listen, Nico just came out of the closet yesterday, and I wasn't ready for that—he sorta caught me off guard—so just let it sink in."

Thirty minutes later, Hades was finished with the root canal and Triptolemus sat up. Triptolemus rinsed in the sink and hopped down off the chair.

"Hold on, Trip," said Persephone. "There we go." And she ripped the napkin off his shirt.

Trip and Demeter were about to leave when Trip—in his high state—remembered something very important. He rummaged through his pocket and looked at Demeter. "Okay, baby-girl," he managed, "you know how much I love you, right?"

"Yeah," Demeter said.

"Well, I was hoping, like, we could continue this relationship and…you know…get married and stuff."

If he weren't high, Triptolemus probably would've thought of a better way to propose to the grain goddess. He got down on one knee and opened the box. "Demeter, goddess of the harvest, will you marry me?"

"Yes, of course I will," said Demeter.

"Oh, yeah…" said Trip.

Meanwhile, Hades and Persephone stood there awkwardly.

"Well," said Persephone, "this isn't awkward at all."

"Yeah," said Hades. "This isn't awkward at all. Get out of here!"

As Trip and Demeter were heading back to Trip's house, Trip looked at her. "You know what would totally be awesome?"

"What?" Demeter snapped. She wasn't really happy about the proposal thing.

"If we went outside," Trip said, "and it was, like, really hot out…and all of the corn blew up and became POPCORN! I LOVE POPCORN!"

Demeter didn't respond. They were at Trip's house by now, so she threw him on the couch and slapped him.

Trip blanked. "What…what happened?"

"Oh, you don't remember? That was the ABSOLUTE WORST proposal I've ever heard of!"

"Dammit," Trip said sheepishly. "Well, I was going to do it last night, but my mouth hurt too much to talk. Let me try it again, okay?"

"Fine, Triptolemus, but this is the absolute last time I'll let you do it."

Trip cleared his throat and got on one knee. "Demeter, goddess of the harvest, I love you more than my immortality itself. I was hoping we could remain together forever. Demeter, will you marry me?"

"Yes!" Demeter cried.

"Excellent! C'mon! Let's go get Hera to help us plan our wedding!"

 **Okay, longest chapter I've ever written…EVER. SERIOUSLY, THAT WAS THE LONGEST CHAPTER EVER! Please keep reviewing! My brother helped me a little with the drunk Triptolemus parts! Thanks for reading! :)**


	41. Soapy Toothpaste

**Owlion12 once again, my demigod friends out there!**

 **CHAPTER 41: SOAPY TOOTHPASTE**

It was a pleasant day on the _Argo II_ …until Coach Hedge screwed it up.

"CUPCAKES!" he screamed. "GET DOWN HERE AND EAT YOUR BREAKFAST! _NOW_!"

All the demigods headed down to the breakfast room and helped themselves to breakfast.

"So," said Leo, "everyone sleep okay?"

"Well," said Frank, "if you weren't setting off fireworks all the damn time and not screaming 'Holy Hephaestus!' half the night, I would've gotten a descent night's sleep. But _no_ , you just _had_ to yell that and blast off your fireworks." He glared at Leo. "You suck."

"Well, thank you for telling me something I already know, Professor Zhang," Leo snarled at Frank.

"Hey, Hot Pockets," snapped Hedge, "that's enough! There's something we need to talk about! It's about your dental health."

The demigods listened intently.

"So, I called all of you little sandwiches here because the gods are doing wisdom teeth extractions and stuff and you all need to see them eventually. Jackson and Hazel already went to see them, so that means the rest of you need to haul ass up there quite soon!"

"Uh…Coach," said Jason.

"What?!" Hedge barked.

"Could you, like, use your indoor voice, please?"

"Oh. Right. Yeah, sorry about that. Anyway, you'll all be seeing the gods soon, and Jason Grace, your appointment is coming up soon."

"I already had my teeth pulled," Jason said.

"Shut up," snapped Coach Hedge. "You're going for a cleaning, and your dentist is Juno, Roman goddess of marriage. She said she was cool with putting her hands in your face, so you'll be seeing her tomorrow morning at eight."

 **JUNO'S PALACE**

It was eight in the morning when Jupiter headed downstairs. "Good morning, honey," he said as Juno was making pancakes.

"Good morning, my husband," Juno said.

"That was fun last night," said Jupiter, winking at her.

"What was fun last night?"

Juventas, Roman goddess of youth, came running down the stairs with her pink blanky. She dragged it over to Juno, who picked her up and held her.

"Mommy and Daddy made love, sweetheart," Jupiter replied.

"Was it fun?" Juventas asked.

Jupiter nodded, then ducked because Juno was about to whack him upside the head.

"What's on your agenda today?" Jupiter said, sipping his coffee.

"I get to clean Jason's teeth today," Juno replied. "You?"

"I get to rule the cosmos like the heartless king that I am," Jupiter laughed heartily. "Speaking of which, I'm off!"

He kissed Juno on the cheek and gave Juventas a big hug. "Be a good girl for Mommy today," he told Juventas.

"I'm Mommy's favorite," Juventas bragged.

Juno grabbed a medical history form from the printer and the two goddesses headed out of the palace and into the exam room to prepare for Jason's appointment.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Can I go give this to Jason?"

"If he's out there, go right ahead."

Juventas giggled happily and ran outside. Sure enough, Jason was sitting on the bench. "Hi, Jason! I'm Nurse Juventas, and I'll be assisting Dr. Mommy today! She wants you to write stuff on this paper first, okay?"

"Okay, Juventas," Jason said, taking the clipboard and the pen.

"When you're done, you can come back and we'll do stuff to you."

Jason tried not to laugh because that sounded really freaking dirty.

Jason glanced at the paper, which was the medical history form.

 **MEDICAL HISTORY FORM**

 **Name: JASON JUPITER GRACE**

 **Godly parent: JUPITER**

 **Mortal parent: SHE'S DEAD**

 **Please fill out the following questionnaire before you are seen by your doctor.**

 **1\. When you see blood, do you tend to:**

 **A. Puke**

 **B. Have diarrhea**

 **C. Puke and have diarrhea at the same time (that's talent if you can do that)**

 **D. I think blood is totally awesome, so that's cool if I see it because I will not throw up or crap myself because I'm also a demigod and I'm not supposed to be a-scared of anything.**

 **ANSWER: D**

 **2\. Due to x-rays, is there a possibility you might be pregnant?**

 **A. Yes**

 **B. No**

 **C. Maybe**

 **ANSWER: C**

 **3\. Have you gotten romantic in the past 24 hours?**

 **A. Not your business**

 **B. Yes**

 **C. No**

 **ANSWER: C**

 **4\. Have you ever had your tendons ripped out and then put back in?**

 **A. No, but I've seen someone get their tendons ripped out and put back in and it ain't pretty!**

 **B. Yes, and it hurt like a bitch.**

 **C. No, stop asking!**

 **ANSWER: C**

 **5\. Why is the sky blue?**

 **A. Because Zeus farted one day and it was blue.**

 **B. Because it just is…duh.**

 **C. Who cares? FREAKIN' DEAL WITH IT!**

 **ANSWER: B**

"That was a weird-as-Pluto med form," said Jason. He signed his signature at the bottom and headed into the exam room.

Juno and Juventas were both sitting in their positions, Juno giving her "favorite" daughter some "rules" about teeth cleaning.

"So, sweetie," Juno said, "when Mommy says hand her some tools, you need to give them to me and not play with them first."

"Okay, Mommy," said Juventas.

"And if you're a good girl, Mommy will give you a Popsicle when we get home," Juno smiled.

"Yay! I gets a Possicle!" Juventas squeaked.

" _Popsicle_ , honey," Juno corrected sweetly. "Hello, Jason. Are you ready for your cleaning?"

"Yes, Lady Juno," Jason said.

"I gets to help!" Juventas giggled excitedly.

"First we'll be taking some x-rays," said Juno, putting a giant blanket on Jason's shirt. "Okay, Jason. Bite down on this for me."

"Mommy?" Juventas said as Juno was taking the x-rays.

"Yes, dear?"

"I gotta go pee!"

"Honey, just go. No need to announce it," Juno replied.

Juventas went to the bathroom and came back a couple minutes later. "Did Jason have a cavity?"

"Nope," Juno replied. "Now comes the best part, right, Juventas?"

"Yep. Time to brush!"

Juno told Jason the flavors of toothpaste that day: mint, mint-chocolate, wheat, barley, chocolate, and vanilla.

"Why do you guys have wheat and barley flavors?" Jason asked.

"Because Ceres and Triptolemus do stuff here, too," said Juno.

"I'll take chocolate," said Jason. "And how come Triptolemus doesn't have a Roman name?"

"Because he just doesn't," Juno replied.

While Juno was polishing Jason's teeth, Jason kept giggling because it tickled a lot. To make a very long story short, Jason wiggled around so much that he summoned some random air currents, knocking Juno off her feet and throwing her into the wall. Juno fell to the floor, unconscious.

"Ooh…Mommy's going to put you in the timeout corner, Jason," said Juventas. "You are _sooooo_ dead!"

"Shut up," Jason mumbled.

"Don't worry, though," Juventas said, getting in Juno's spot. "I'll finish up brushing your teeth for you!"

Juventas had a completely different idea than Juno. While Juno used the gritty toothpaste dentists everywhere used on their patients, Juventas had a different idea: to clean Jason's teeth with a toothbrush and some soap.

As soon as Juventas squirted some soap on a blue toothbrush, she turned to Jason. "This is supposed to taste like strawberries, Jason."

So, of course, as soon as Jason tasted the soap, he gagged and spat the soap out…but he also swallowed some of it. Juventas finished up with the cleaning and sent Jason back to the _Argo II_.

"Grace," Coach Hedge said, "how was your cleaning?"

"Horrible," Jason said. "Juno—I mean, Hera—cleaned them for a bit. But it tickled so much that I accidentally knocked her unconscious and her kid Juventas—uh, Hebe—had to finish brushing with soap and a regular, old toothbrush."

"That sucks," Coach Hedge replied. "Well, when you see Piper, tell her that I heard her mother was next up in the chair."

 **Yep, Aphrodite will be next in this FanFic, so I have some stuff in store for her. Sorry for taking so long, guys! Please keep reviewing!**


	42. Have You Been Drinking?

**Sorry for the long wait everyone! Summer's coming to an end and I'm sad because that means school starts up again really soon. But on top of all the terrible homework I'll probably have, I will still write these funny chapters! I started writing another one for Aphrodite, but decided it was taking too long. Long story short, she'll be back in Chapter 43. As of now…Thanks Owlion12 for the suggestions as always.**

 **CHAPTER 42: HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?**

Dionysus was sitting on his fat butt in the Big House playing Pac-Man. Gods, he was good at that game…until his phone went off and he lost the level he was on.

"WHAT?!" he barked. "I'M PLAYING A VIDEO GAME!"

"DON'T YOU SNAP AT ME, BOY!" came Zeus' voice. "I am here to tell you that your cleaning is in five minutes. Why aren't you up here?"

Dionysus looked at his calendar. On it said: CLEANING…DON'T FORGET OR ZEUS WILL BE **PISSED**!

Dionysus thought up a good story for Zeus. "Father, dear, I have not forgotten. I had to poop."

"You _just_ told me you were playing a video game!" Zeus yelled.

"Yes, Father, but I had to poop before that."

"Good for you, son," said Zeus bitterly. "Get up here before I pull all your teeth out!"

"Fine."

Dionysus hung up and turned to Chiron. "Chairface," he said in a panicked way, "I have a dentist appointment. Watch the little brats."

"That is what I always do, Lord Dionysus," Chiron replied.

"Whatever. When I return, I am going to order Pizza Hut." Dionysus slipped into his chariot and drove off to Olympus, where Hera was, tapping her foot in impatience.

"Good afternoon," she said. "I see you're here for a cleaning."

"Yeah," said Dionysus.

"Excellent. Follow me! Dr. Zeus is waiting."

Hera led Dionysus into the treatment room and he sat in the red chair. Zeus wheeled his chair over and looked at Dionysus. "Hello, son," said Zeus.

"Hello, Father," said Dionysus. "What a wonderful day this—"

"Shut up," snapped Zeus.

"Okay."

Zeus looked at Dionysus' chart that Hera had handed him. "So," he said in his kingly voice, "I see you're here for your cleaning. Great. Well, first we'll need to take some x-rays. Then we'll clean your teeth and that's it." He put a heavy bib on Dionysus so he wouldn't be affected by the radiation of the x-rays (though Zeus probably didn't give two craps because Dionysus was a terrible god).

The x-rays were taken and now we come to the part where Zeus and Hera were looking at Dionysus' teeth. So as they were cleaning his teeth, Zeus and Hera noticed a slight problem. Dionysus' teeth were perfectly fine…all except one little thing.

"Son," Zeus said, taking the tools out, "what's this red stuff on your teeth?"

"Uh…" Dionysus tried to think of something other than wine. "Uh…Kool-Aid."

"Hera," said Zeus, "you see this stuff right here?"

"Yes, Zeus. Dionysus, do you have something to tell us?" Hera asked in a dangerously-calm voice.

"No," Dionysus said casually.

"All right." Zeus brought out the polisher with some cherry toothpaste. "After this cleaning, I've got a little surprise waiting."

"What is it?" Dionysus asked. Now he was getting excited.

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?" Zeus smirked. "Now open you mouth so I can polish your teeth!"

As Zeus was polishing Dionysus' teeth, Dionysus kept thinking of the surprise. What could it be? Maybe it was a magical unicorn that could fly him away to a distant land so he didn't have to deal with the stupid campers! Or maybe…maybe it was an unlimited supply of wine. He _had_ been working hard lately, playing all those video games and having Chiron do his dirty work for him, so surely Zeus must've noticed.

Zeus finished polishing Dionysus' teeth and sat the chair up. Then he promptly put it back down again because he was going to do the "surprise".

"Zeus," said Hera, "the last time you said surprise to me, I found out you had sex with Ms. Grace!"

"Hera, what are you talking about?" Zeus barked, getting the drill from the tool tray.

"Well, I came home from the park with Hebe and you were sitting on the couch all happy and stuff. Then I asked, 'What's up, Zeusy?' And you said, 'Hera, I've got a surprise for you.' I said, 'What is it, dear?' And you said, 'I cheated on you again!'"

"Oh…that…well, this'll be better!" Zeus held up the drill and placed it in Dionysus' mouth. "Now, you don't have any cavities, but that's not why I'm drilling. See this right here?" Zeus held up a device that was clipped to Dionysus' shirt.

What Zeus was holding was the gods' version of a lie detector test. Zeus had one end of a rope clipped onto his scrubs; Dionysus had the other end of the rope on his shirt. The ropes joined in the middle in a V shape to a small box.

"This box can read your emotions, thanks to Hephaestus," said Zeus. "So when you lie about something, and since the drill is also connected to the box, you will be in a world of hurt every time you lie. My advice: don't lie."

"Dionysus, he's done this test to me, too," said Hera, "but he tied me down to our bed and every time I lied he shocked me."

"Father," said Dionysus, "that's called domestic abuse and is very frowned upon in society nowadays."

"But guess what? I'm the king!"

"We KNOW you're the king!" Hera screamed at her husband. "You tell everybody that a zillion times a day!"

"SHUT UP!" Zeus yelled. He sat in the chair on Dionysus' right. "So, Dionysus, first question: How many video games do you play a day?"

"About five," said Dionysus.

"Okay. Next question: Do you have a soul?"

"Yeah…?" Dionysus said.

"Good. I have one, but mine is cold-blooded and heartless. Final question: Have you had any booze in the past twenty-four hours?"

"No," Dionysus said.

The drill went off Dionysus got a face full of absolute pain. "YES! YES I HAVE!" he screamed and the drill stopped.

"I thought so," said Zeus. "You have about forty-seven years left, stupid!"

"But I wanted some booze!" Dionysus cried miserably.

"Silence, you fool!" yelled Zeus. "I am the king and what I say goes! Your punishment is now at a hundred years! You are dismissed!"

 **Poor Dionysus! Anyway, five days till Greek Heroes and I'm psyched!**


	43. Aphrodite Gets Tortured

**Here's the almighty goddess of love (remember that she's afraid of medical procedures for some weird reason). Enjoy! OH AND GREEK HEROES COMES OUT TOMORROW! WHO'S EXCITED?!**

 **CHAPTER 43: APHRODITE GETS TORTURED**

"APHRO!" Ares yelled. "Come down here and eat this steak that still looks raw on the inside!"

Aphrodite was doing her makeup upstairs in the bathroom when she heard Ares calling her for dinner. It smelled delicious, so she assumed it would taste delicious, too.

"So tomorrow," said Ares as he cut a piece of steak, "we're going to the dentist to have that toothache looked at."

"But I don't want to!" Aphrodite pouted.

"Well…" Ares said, "that…sucks for you."

"Can you hold my hand, Ares?"

"No, babe. I have to go to War Camp tomorrow, but I'll send you my blueprints of World War III. I think I'm going to make all the French people hate each other, then I'll probably make the Greeks and Romans hate each other, and…"

"Sorry, you lost me on the French people," Aphrodite snapped.

Ares rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I have to go pack. Eat up before that steak gets cold."

The following day, Ares literally had to carry Aphrodite into the waiting room where she'd be waiting for her procedure. Ares kissed her goodbye, grabbed his suitcase, and started singing a war song. "Hey, Aphro, I have a song I want to try on you. Now, you have to repeat after me."

"Gods." Aphrodite grimaced as her toothache got worse. "Fine. Go."

" _Aphro ain't got no brains in her head_!"

"Aphro ain't got no—hey! That's mean!"

" _But she's really good in bed_."

"I know, Ares."

"No, Aphrodite. You're supposed to repeat what I say."

"No, Aphrodite. You're supposed to repeat what I say."

"Shut up."

"Shut up."

"No!"

"No!"

Ares pinched her. "Are you going to stop now?" he snarled.

"Yes, honey."

"Good."

Hephaestus walked out of the exam room, wearing his usual gray coveralls and mechanic stuff. "Oh…it's _you_ ," he snarled, looking at Aphrodite. "First off, you're late for your appointment. Second, Ares can't come in because he needs to go to War Camp. So say bye-bye to him now."

Aphrodite rolled her eyes. "I already did that, you antisocial nobody!"

Hephaestus glowered at her. "And you can come back now."

Hephaestus led Aphrodite into the exam room, and when Aphrodite caught a glimpse of her doctor, she got REALLY pissed.

"Oh gross! IT'S YOU!"

Artemis turned around and glared at her. "Good morning, Aphrodite."

"Good morning, Fartemis."

"Let's try that again, shall we? Good morning, Aphrodite."

"Good morning, Artemis."

"There you go. See? That wasn't so bad, was it?"

"I don't like you," Aphrodite smirked.

"You know, Aphrodite," said Hephaestus, "the longer you stand here and rant about how much you hate other people, the longer we'll have to look at you. Both of us have extremely busy schedules. I have to schedule Leo for his visit really soon. He's having tooth troubles and stuff."

"Oh, so is Piper." Aphrodite glared at the two gods. "All right, I'll sit in the damn chair. But don't screw my face up, Artemis, or I'll murder all of your Hunters and eat their brains like a sexy zombie."

Hephaestus put a napkin on Aphrodite and looked at her chart. "Ares said you have a really bad toothache. When did this start?"

"Three days ago. I've been taking Advil for it, too."

"Good for you," said Hephaestus bitterly. "Does it hurt anywhere in particular?"

"Yeah. It hurts everywhere!" Aphrodite moaned.

"Then we'll need to take some x-rays," Artemis glowered. "Let's get this over with," she sighed.

Once the x-rays showed up on the computer, Artemis looked at them. She gasped. "APHRODITE!" she screamed at the love goddess. "Do you ever brush your teeth? You've got cavities in every single tooth! Tell me this: how does that happen?"

"I don't know. You should ask Athena because she's pretty smart."

"Here are your treatment options," Artemis growled at her. "We can either do one long treatment where your face is all numb for the longest freakin' time, or we can spread it out over a few visits."

"She can't make decisions by herself very well," Hephaestus said, "so I'll decide for her. One full visit where her face is totally numb! MWAHAHAHHAHA!"

The goddesses looked at him.

"What?" he demanded. "That was cool."

"Come back tomorrow," said Artemis, "because that's the only day we can make it."

"Fine. I'll have to tell Persephone I can't play tomorrow because of this mess."

"Oh, grow up," said Artemis abruptly.

Aphrodite woke up the following morning to the chirping of birds and little gods playing outside in the park. Then she got all sad 'cause she had a dentist appointment.

She walked into the waiting room and sat on the bench, waiting for Hephaestus to call her back into the treatment room.

"Why aren't there any fashion magazines here?" she squealed. "This is torture, sitting here with nothing to read but _the Daily Olympian_."

Then she heard two people arguing behind the curtain.

"Listen, Artemis," said a woman's voice, "I can't work with you. My jerk-face husband cheated on me again last night and now I'm upset."

"Listen, you can give her the Novocain, Hera, while I watch with an evil grin on my face from the assistant's chair!"

Aphrodite freaked out because she hated _both_ of those goddesses! She tried not to look nervous as Hera the Queen came out to get her.

"Hi, Hera," Aphrodite beamed.

"Ew," Hera responded. "I don't like you, but come on back and Dr. Artemis will fix your face."

"Wait! I wanna watch this first, Hera!"

There was a TV in the waiting room, just in case Hebe had to come in for another appointment and didn't want to read so she could watch "Sesame Street" or something like that.

Hades, god of perverts, appeared on the TV. He cleared his throat and glared at the camera. "Thanatos, is it recording?"

"Yes, Hades. It's recording."

"Well, I ain't seeing a red light!"

"BECAUSE IT'S IN THE FREAKING BACK, STUPID!"

"I'm just as stupid as you are."

Another voice—Persephone's—snarled: "Yeah, and he's pretty stupid, so that means I'm dealing with two morons."

"Dude," said Thanatos, "you're recording already."

"Oh. Yeah…" Hades looked into the camera and smiled. "Hello, world! Let me ask you a few questions. Did you often wonder where you went after you died? Do you ever want to know how I actually abducted Persephone? How many women have I slept with—"

"I know _that_ answer!" Persephone cried.

"—in the past five minutes?" Hades finished, completely running over Persephone's last comment. "Well, everyone, you will get to know the true Hades quite soon! I shall be appearing on this week's edition of _Let's Talk to the Gods_! Check it out tomorrow night at eleven with the host Ganymede. Gods, that guy's weird. At any rate, just do it!"

"Are you done watching that terrible commercial?" Hera demanded. "If yes, then come on back into the treatment room."

Artemis was sitting next to the chair, her tools all laid out for her in a neat, little row.

Aphrodite sat in the chair and Artemis laid it back right away because she hated talking to Aphrodite _so_ much.

"Welcome to your one visit of torture," Artemis smirked evilly. "I hope this goes well."

"Yeah," said Hera evilly.

"Ya know, I heard Rhea was nice with little Hebe, so why don't I get the same niceness from you two?" Aphrodite asked, puzzled.

"None of us like you. That's why," Artemis said. "Now open your mouth so I can give you this drug."

First Artemis picked up some swabs of mint-flavored topical and was about to give it to Aphrodite. But the goddess of beauty had other ideas.

"NO FREAKIN' WAY!" Aphrodite yelled. "You are NOT putting that stuff in my face, Fartemis!"

"It's _Artemis_ ," Artemis stressed. "Look, the longer we sit here and talk—"

"—the more I'll want to kill the Hunters," said Aphrodite.

"Yeah. We'll go with that," said Artemis. "So let me give this gel to you."

Aphrodite pushed her hand away and the force was so great that Artemis fell out of her chair and landed on the floor with a thud that echoed off the walls of the room. The swabs of topical fell on Artemis' hand.

"My hand's getting numb," she said.

"Yay! She's distracted!" Aphrodite squealed. She chose that moment to push Hera to the ground as well and then she ran out of the room.

For once, Hera felt like being nice to Artemis. After all, their common enemy was Aphrodite, so they decided to go hunt her down.

"Are you okay, Artemis?" Hera asked, helping her up.

"Yes. I'm fine. My hand's a bit numb, but it'll pass eventually," Artemis replied. "Now…I have a plan. Grab that mask for the laughing gas and bring it with you. I have a feeling she's not going to want to come to the chair voluntarily when we find her."

Meanwhile, Aphrodite was walking around Olympus in a panic. She sensed Artemis and Hera were hunting her down, so she had to look for a place to hide from them quickly.

"Perfect," she muttered to herself, "Zeus can help me!"

Aphrodite rang the doorbell and Zeus opened the door. "Hey, sexy," he flirted. "You wanna have some—"

"Not now. Your wife and that awful hunter goddess chick are both after me! Hide me quick!" Aphrodite started sobbing, which Zeus thought was _insanely_ attractive.

"I'll hide you on one condition," he said.

"Name it."

"You have to read me a bedtime story before my bedtime tonight."

Aphrodite rolled her eyes. "Oh…fine!"

"Good. Come in."

Aphrodite walked into the house and—like the immature goddess she is—hid under the kitchen table and put her hands over her face.

A few minutes later, the doorbell rang again. Zeus ran to get it. "Hello, ladies," he said. "Is it Halloween already? Sorry, I ate all the candy."

"ZEUS!" Hera screamed at her husband. "We're looking for Aphrodite. Have you seen her?"

"I saw her," Zeus said, standing in the doorway and trying to block Aphrodite as much as he could. "And I forgot where she is."

"That's weird," said Artemis, "because I see her under your table, Father."

"Ooh…I'm a bad liar," said Zeus sarcastically. "All right, girlies. You can come in now."

"Aphrodite, we see you!" Hera snapped at the goddess of love.

"Uh…she's not here," Aphrodite said in a low voice. "Please leave a bitchy queen message after the beep. _BEEP_!"

Artemis smirked at Hera and Zeus. "Aphrodite, we just want to have you smell this awesome new perfume Hera and Hestia have been working on together."

"But first you have to lie down on the table," said Hera.

"Uh…no," Zeus said. "Bad idea, honey. You are _not_ treating my kitchen like it's an operating room."

"Huh?" asked Aphrodite.

"Nothing, dear," Hera replied as Aphrodite lied on the table. "Now…breathe deeply."

Aphrodite was asleep in about five minutes because Artemis and Hera had actually put a general anesthetic inside the mask so Aphrodite would go to sleep.

"Good. She's out," said Artemis. "Father, would you please take her to the exam room so that we can fill her cavities while she's still out?"

"Uh…" Zeus said, looking at Aphrodite. "Yeah. No prob."

So Zeus lifted Aphrodite up and carried her off to the exam room. He placed her in the chair, told Hera he was "going to the store to get some milk", and kissed Artemis on the head and told her good luck.

 **Yeah…how was that? Good? Okay? No flames, please!**


	44. Nico Discusses His Feelings

**Thanks again to Owlion12 for the Nico chapter! This should be interesting!**

 **CHAPTER 44: NICO DISCUSSES HIS FEELINGS**

It was a normal day in the Palace of Hades. Persephone was doing something involving flowers, Hades was stalking people on Facebook (because that's the only thing he's actually good at), Thanatos was painting a wooden coffin he built all by himself (because it was almost Halloween), which left Nico sitting on the couch playing a video game.

Nico wasn't playing just any old video game. He was playing a game Persephone got him for Christmas last year. It was literally called "The Annoying Child". Persephone had it custom-made. Here's what _really_ happened. Persephone wanted to get Nico a present for Christmas, but it had to be something he hated…something he would never want in his life! So Persephone grabbed Hephaestus and Hermes and ordered them to create a video game that taught Nico how to be a better stepson. All Nico knew about the game was that he got to kill stuff and hide in the shadows. As long as he was doing that, he was happy.

"There!" Thanatos said gleefully, putting his paintbrush down and looking at his coffin. "It is finished!"

"Okay…?" said Nico.

"It's for my haunted house this year," said Thanatos. "Lord Hades said we could transform the palace into a haunted house, and I'm the director…which means I get to boss you around and junk!"

"That's nice," Nico said absentmindedly.

Just then Persephone walked into the living room and stood in front of the TV.

"Could you, um, move, Persephone?" asked Nico.

"No," Persephone snapped. "My lovely husband—note the sarcasm, di Angelo—would like to speak with you."

Nico sighed and paused the game (like he was _ever_ going to finish it). He followed Persephone into Hades' study, where Hades was on Facebook, reading Persephone's latest post.

 **Persephone: Watering the flowers right now…and they look absolutely stunning!**

 _Demeter, Triptolemus, and Hades like this_.

 **Demeter: Oh, dear! I'm sure they're BEAUTIFUL!**

 **Triptolemus: Yeah…you should work on my farm this summer 'cause your mother and I are getting married soon and you should totally work here because I think you're nice…and we have a common enemy.**

 **Hades: TRIP SUCKS! :( FARMING SUCKS, FLOWERS SUCK, CEREAL SUCKS! I HATE YOU ALL! Love, Hades.**

"Dad? You wanted to talk to me?" Nico said.

"Ah…" said Hades. "Nico, it has come to my attention that you must have surgery immediately."

"Why?"

"Do you like poetry?"

"No. Not really. But Will thinks it's okay."

"Well, too bad. I'm going to tell you the news in the form of a poem:

 _My darling son Nico,_

 _To Olympus we must go_

 _To get your teeth out_

 _You'll scream, cry, and shout,_

 _And the assistant might be Apollo_."

"Dad? That was pretty good for the type of god you are," said Nico.

"Good," Hades turned back to the computer and looked at his email. "Your appointment is tomorrow at three."

The following afternoon, Nico and Hades headed up to Olympus. Hades totally left Nico on the bench to dwell in awful thoughts about needles and whatnot while Hades got ready for surgery.

A moment later, Poseidon came out to get Nico.

"I thought Apollo was the assistant today," Nico protested as Poseidon put the napkin on him.

"Yeah," said Poseidon, "but he said he'd be here in a little bit. For now, Uncle Poseidon here gets to watch you get tortured. So, question time. Do you want laughing gas and Novocain, or just the Novocain?"

"I'll take both," said Nico, looking at Hades, who was organizing all the tools in a neat little row.

"Nico," said Hades, "I need to give you some topical so you won't feel the needle going in. Poseidon, gimme the topical. Don't worry, Nico, it's not wheat-flavored."

Poseidon chuckled and handed Hades the gel. Hades gave it to Nico and Nico gagged. It turned to be peach-flavored instead of the usual cherry stuff.

Once Nico was given the laughing gas and the Novocain, he started to act funny. Now, Nico was one person who did not like to show his feelings for anyone. But today seemed like the good time to do so.

"Nico," said Hades, "I sense there's something you wish to tell me."

"Uh-huh," Nico slobbered. He looked at Poseidon. "I'm in love with Percy."

Poseidon dropped the water thingy and the vacuum, which he'd been playing with. "W-what did you just say?"

"I said I'm in love with Percy," Nico giggled. "He is sooooo handsome. I think Eros has pierced my heart."

"Yeah…okay…" Poseidon sat in the assistant's chair awkwardly because he wasn't sure how to take this. He'd never met a gay person before. "Uh…Hades, I just remembered I have to go…uh…buy bras. See ya!"

"Who'll be the assistant then?" asked Hades as he checked to see if his kid was numb yet.

"I'll find someone else," said Poseidon.

Five minutes later, Apollo came into the room and began helping Hades with the teeth-pulling.

Hades had just pulled the rest of Nico's wisdom teeth when Nico turned to Apollo and giggled. "I like your son, Dr. Sunshine."

"I like my son, too. He's one of my favs," said Apollo.

"No, no," said Nico, shoving Hades' hands away as he tried to put some gauze in, "I mean I _really_ like him."

"That better be the drugs talking," said Hades.

"That's weird how you don't know this," said Apollo. "Will's told me the same thing and I support him fully. I believe you know this, too."

"I tried to forget it. How am I supposed to react?" asked Hades, allowing the chair to sit up.

"Well, just say you give him your full support," said Apollo.

Hades dragged Nico back to the Underworld and sat him on the couch. Then he gave him a Popsicle and told Nico to eat it.

"Son, how are you feeling about this whole thing?" Hades asked.

"Good," said Nico. "Will is very handsome, Dad. You should get to know him."

"Yeah…" said Hades. "Yeah…"

In the end, Hades finally went into his study, called up Will Solace, and invited him over for dinner the following week.

 **Okay, that was a terrible chappie, but please review. I'm also doing past heroes and stuff (I had this sudden urge to do that Tantalus dude, so that's why I'm saying this).**


	45. FOOD!

**Let's try something new…here's a chapter about Tantalus…you know, our favorite murderer in Greek mythology who chopped up his kids and fed them to the gods and stuff? Yeah. This is the same guy. But he's dead. So there! And thanks to wizard-of-stories for the Tantalus idea! I also don't own that "Food Glorious Food" song or Ice Age...and I also got this idea from someone who I have forgotten the name of! Thank you to whomever gave me that idea!**

 **PLEASE READ THE IMPORTANT NOTE AT THE BOTTOM, TOO!**

 **CHAPTER 45: FOOD!**

Deep in the Fields of Punishment was a small river with a dude standing in it. The dude's name was Tantalus, and he was the dude who cooked his kids up for dinner and gave it to the gods. Yummy! As his punishment, he couldn't have any food or drink for the rest of time…even while he was dead.

Tantalus was thinking this was even more boring than his life as a king, when Thanatos walked over to him and glared at him. "Tantalus," said Thanatos, "Lord Hades wishes to speak with you."

"Why?" Tantalus groaned. "I feel really bad about what I did, like, four thousand years ago."

"I don't believe that for a second," said Thanatos, "but come with me anyway. Lord Hades is waiting with Queen Persephone."

Sure enough, Thanatos dragged Tantalus into the Throne Room of the Palace of Hades. Hades and Persephone were talking on their thrones about flowers and sunshine…literally!

"Well, if it isn't Tantalus!" Hades said. "Our favorite jackass!"

Tantalus bowed.

Thanatos pulled out a clipboard and a piece of paper. "Hades, can I go kill this guy?"

Hades looked at the clipboard. "Yes."

"Sweet!" Thanatos flew out of the palace.

"So…" said Hades, "you think you've suffered enough?"

"Yes, Lord Hades," Tantalus said. He was still bowing. "I think I have served my time well. May I _please_ go to Elysium?"

"No," Hades laughed. "No. No, Tantalus, I've got an even better punishment for you."

"Does it involve food?"

"Sorta. It involves this thing called medicine."

Tantalus shrugged. He'd heard of medicine before, though he'd never taken it.

"So, what's my other punishment?" asked Tantalus.

"To give you a break," said Hades, "I've made an appointment for you in about ten minutes to get your wisdom teeth pulled. That way you won't have to worry about taking in any food."

"What happens during this extraction?" asked Tantalus. Back in his day, wisdom teeth hadn't been discovered…and bad teeth were just left in your mouth, unless they fell out, which was also common, too.

"An hour," said Persephone. She snapped her fingers and her phone appeared. She dialed a number. "Hey, it's Sephie. You can come get him now." She hung up the phone. "The assistant's picking you up from the palace and she'll drop you back off after the appointment. We don't exactly trust you with all the food mortals have to offer in the world of the living."

Tantalus turned around as the palace door opened. Demeter walked in, carrying a clipboard. "Hello, Tantalus," she said. "We'll head to Olympus now."

Tantalus was excited! He'd been to Olympus a few times before, but now it was totally different. Instead of leading him in the direction of the palaces, though, Demeter led him into the Throne Room and told him to sit on a bench while she called the dentist and got the room ready.

Tantalus was bored out of his mind. He looked up at the TV screen, which was playing a commercial about food and Tantalus' mouth began to water with hunger.

"And," said the announcer, "the beautiful, cheesy sauce that flows over the lovely pasta will make you never want to eat another thing again."

"Oh gods…" Tantalus freaked out. "I LOVE FOOD! I WANT IT SOOOO BAD!"

And the commercial ended with the song "Food, Glorious Food" and _that's_ what got Tantalus drooling.

"CANNIBAL!" called a manly voice. "GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

Tantalus was actually thrilled to sit in the chair, though he didn't know what was to come. Zeus was sitting in the spot to his right, his scrubs, mask, and gloves already on. On Tantalus' left sat Poseidon, clad in green scrubs with tridents all over them.

"Hey, guys…" Tantalus said awkwardly. "How's it goin'?"

"Fine," said Zeus. "You?"

"Oh, ya know…" Tantalus said, "just starving my ass off in the Underworld. I'm bored, no one talks to me, I'm lonely…"

"Wow, you could've been Hades' best friend," said Poseidon.

Tantalus laughed bitterly. "Yeah, so what do I do?"

Zeus checked Tantalus over and looked at him. "You'll be getting your wisdom teeth out today…you jerk cannibal man-eater."

"Hades said I would get food if I did this surgery thingy," Tantalus replied.

"No he didn't," said Zeus. "He said you'd get medicine, which is completely different. You can't chug it down like egg nog on Christmas. You have to take it in the proper dosage."

Of course, Tantalus had a grudge against Zeus, so anything he said basically went in one ear and out the ear.

"Tantalus?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you paying attention?"

"Yeah."

"What was the last letter of the last word I just said?" Zeus questioned.

"Q!"

"Close enough. Okay, here's how this works. We're going to put some gel on your gums so when I give you the shots you'll feel little discomfort. Then we'll give you some air and it'll make you high. THEN we shall rip your teeth out and you'll bleed all over the chair and it'll look like we just ran through a Halloween party or something."

Tantalus held up his hand to stop him. "Lord Zeus, I'm dead."

"So?"

"How am I supposed to bleed?"

"Listen, I'm the king…"

"Oh, hell," Poseidon sighed dramatically.

"…and what I say goes. When you get reincarnated into a better king and become rich and famous, you can make up all the crappy rules you want."

Zeus gave Tantalus some peach-flavored topical, the Novocain, and the laughing gas. Then Tantalus got all high, blah, blah, blah. You know how the surgery went, right?

Tantalus slid out of the chair once he'd rinsed (he did end up bleeding, but it was all smoke, 'cause he was dead and all). Without saying a word to either of the gods, he waltzed out of the room and headed back down to the Underworld. He hadn't been given too much laughing gas, for he was acting less high after he came out of the office.

Tantalus ran over to his river that had somehow turned into his home and started singing loudly. "Hey, Sisyphus! Wanna play Marco Polo?"

"Can't!" yelled Sisyphus. "I have to roll this rock up this hill for the rest of my dead life!"

Tantalus giggled. "That's…that's great, dude. I'll go and get—"

"Your medicine," said a voice in his ear. Hades, god of perverts, was holding a bottle of pills and a glass of water. "Take your medicine, Tantalus. This is the only time I will allow this punishment to fly out of the Underworld. After that, you'll go back to your pathetic, lonely self."

"Like you?" Tantalus asked, reaching for the pill and water.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess so," said Hades sadly.

Tantalus downed the pill with the glass of water. He licked his lips and sighed. Ah…the feeling of being able to drink again was wonderful! Too bad it couldn't last the whole day!

 **1\. I know the chapter sucks. I started school, so I've been having severe writer's block (actual excuse).**

 **2\. I'm doing repeats, so I think I'll put Hebe next, getting braces or something…I dunno.**

 **3\. PM ME WITH IDEAS FOR DEMIGODS! IF I KEEP DOING WISDOM TEETH STUFF, YOU'LL ALL GET BORED AND STUFF AND THAT WOULD BLOW! PPPPLLLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEEEEE PM MEEEEE! I NEED IDEAS FOR PIPER, LEO, FRANK, ANNABETH, GROVER (YES, SATYRS ARE IN HERE, TOO), AND ANY OTHER GODS/GODDESSES/DEAD GUYS/HEROES/MONSTERS** _ **ANYTHING**_ **YOU GUYS WANT ME TO DO. When you PM me, make sure you include a setting where you want the chapter to start, what kind of procedure you want the character to have, and what should happen afterwards. I will always give you credit!**

 **4.** **PLEASE REVIEW!**


	46. Brace Face!

**I own nothing. And thanks for those of you who gave me ideas! I will definitely put them in my outline! This one's for Owlion12 and for all you other FanFictioners who love Little Hebe!**

 **STILL LOOKING FOR IDEAS FOR FRANK, OCTAVIAN, LUKE, DEAD GUYS, HEROES, MORE DEAD GUYS, OTHER GODS! LET'S SEE HOW LONG I CAN KEEP THIS STORY GOING! THAT WOULD BE SOOO AWESOME TO HAVE IT AS LONG AS MY FAIRY TALE FANFICTION! PM ME WITH IDEAS. TELL ME:**

 **1\. Who you want me to write about and the setting.**

 **2\. The doctor and the assistant.**

 **3\. The procedure and what might happen during the procedure.**

 **4\. What happens afterwards, if anything.**

 **Can you guys kind of tell I need you help with this kind of thing?**

 **If you want me to do anymore repeats, let me know the same stuff! Enjoy Hebe…YET AGAIN!**

 **CHAPTER 46: BRACE FACE!**

It was a nice, warm day on Olympus. At Hecate's Academy, Hebe had just been dropped off by Hera.

"Don't forget I'm picking you up for your dentist appointment later," Hera said, exchanging a kiss with her daughter.

"Don't worry, Mommy. I didn't forget!"

Hera smiled and waved to her daughter.

"Good morning, Hebe!" Ms. Psyche, the teacher, said. "Are you ready for a fun day of learning?"

"Yes, Ms. Psyche! I'm so essited I could essplode!" Hebe giggled.

"Okay, then. Come to the carpet for circle time, everyone!" Ms. Psyche called sweetly.

Ms. Psyche played the "Good Morning Song", the "ABC Song", and "The Happy Numbers Song". Then it was the kids' turn to decide.

"You kids can either listen to 'Halloween in Hades' or 'Hercules: the True Story.'"

Everyone chose "Halloween in Hades", so they all grabbed buckets and pretended to go trick-or-treating while the song played.

"Great work, boys and girls!" said Ms. Psyche. "Now, come on back to the carpet and we'll do story time!" Ms. Psyche picked up a book called _Mr. Zeusy's Dysfunctional Family_. "Who wants to be a helper for me and help me turn the pages?"

Macaria, Hebe's friend and daughter of Hades and Persephone, stood up. "I will, Ms. Psyche."

"Perfect!"

After story time, it was time to do the calendar. It just so happened to be Hebe's day to do the weather. All of a sudden, the intercom system came on and Ms. Hecate—the principal—asked for Hebe to get her things and come down to the office.

As Hebe was packing up her backpack, Macaria ran over to her. "Are you getting braces?" she asked.

"Yeah," said Hebe. "I'm really excited 'cause I gets to eat ice cream all day."

"Yeah, but Mommy told me that she had a kid puke on her shoes one time and she was mad at her for life," said Macaria. "Hebe, they hurt like Hades. So good luck!"

Hebe left the room, feeling less excited than she did.

Hebe entered the main office, where Hera was waiting for her daughter. "Ready, honey?"

"Yep," said Hebe, taking Hera's hand.

"Bye, Hebe," said Ms. Hecate. "See you tomorrow!"

When Hera and Hebe got to Olympus, they sat in the waiting room. They were ridiculously early, so Hera turned on the TV as she read a magazine. Hebe stared at the screen and saw that Uncle Hades was having an interview with Ganymede.

"Hello, and welcome to _Let's Talk to the Gods_. I am Ganymede, former over and cupbearer of Zeus! Speaking of which, he owes me nine thousand drachmas because he hasn't paid me back for all that wine."

Hades cleared his throat impatiently.

"Oh…right…" Ganymede looked at Hades apologetically. "Here we have Hades, Lord of the Underworld. Thanks for being on the show with us today!"

"Yeah, you're welcome," said Hades. "Thanks for having me blah, blah, blah."

"So, let's get started." Ganymede stared at a clipboard he was holding. "So, Hades, I heard you like to abduct women."

"Yeah. So?"

"Explain yourself," Ganymede said calmly.

"Well, before I married Persephone, I never really had a social life. So when I met her she was, like, my best friend. And we got married. Next question…this is a bit of a touchy subject."

Ganymede looked at his clipboard again. "So…can you tell me why you have no friends, Hades?"

"I'm too creepy and when I call my friends to watch football, none of them want to come over. So I sorta just lay low and wait for _them_ to call, which never happens. Do you have any good, deep questions or can I get back to yelling at souls here?"

"Right. Lightning round. Who's your favorite child?"

"Well, all of them are terrible. I really like Hazel, but of course I have to go into Pluto-mode and that's a real pain in the ass, so I guess I like my dead daughter Bianca."

"How many times a week do you see Persephone?"

"Like…every day."

"How many times do you guys make love?"

"All right, buddy, you've just crossed the line!"

Hades pushed the camera aside so the only thing that was heard on the TV was Hades swearing a lot and Ganymede apologizing and saying he wasn't the one who wrote the questions.

"Mommy, why is Uncle Hades such a pervert?" asked Hebe.

Hera closed her magazine abruptly. "Hebe, what did I tell you about saying that word?"

"I didn't say it to his face, I was asking _you_."

"Because he just is and he lives in the Underworld. If you lived there all the time, you'd become kind of creepy and sad, too, right?"

Hebe shrugged. "Sure. I guess." She stood up and sat on Hera's lap. "I'm hungry. What's for dinner? Can I get a Happy Meal?"

"We'll see how you behave," said Hera. "Hello, Mother."

Rhea was standing before them. She had actually just come into the waiting room to get to the exam room. She was still carrying her purse and a sheet of paper. "Hello, girls," she said, giving them kisses and hugs. "Wow, you two are here early. I can take you back now, though. We need to talk about some things before Artemis puts the braces on."

Hera, Hebe, and Rhea all headed back to the room and Rhea put the napkin on Hebe's shirt. "So, what did you do in school today?" she asked Hebe.

"I helped Ms. Psyche do the weather. I told her it was bright and sunny outside and she gave me a sticker and I put it on my chart!"

"Sounds like you had a fun day," Rhea replied. "So, we need to take an impression of your teeth, Hebe. That means we're going to put some goo in your mouth and you have to bite on it."

Hebe didn't care. "Can I go back to school after this so I can play princess with Macaria? We were supposed to do it today, but I have to get braces. We had costumes figured out and everything."

"Hebe," said Hera firmly, "let's see how you feel."

"So for the impression," said Rhea, "I've got bubblegum, grape, cherry, mint, and orange. Which flavor would you like today, Hebe?"

"I want bubblegum," Hebe replied.

So, of course, as soon as Rhea put the goo in Hebe's mouth, Hebe began to gag. She tried pushing Rhea's hands away but Rhea held the impression tray and wouldn't let go.

"Hebe, we're all done, honey," said Rhea. She pulled the impression tray out and Hebe gagged again. Rhea handed her some water and Hebe rinsed and spat in the sink.

Artemis walked into the room and greeted the girls (and gave Hera an evil smile because she'd been practicing those).

"So, you ready for those braces, Hebe?" asked Artemis, examining the impression Rhea had just taken.

"Uh-huh," Hebe replied.

"Excellent!" Artemis made the chair go backwards and turned on the light. Then she picked up some stuff that looked like glue and put it all over Hebe's teeth. It was a very bitter taste and Hebe sat up abruptly, bumping her head on the light, thinking she was going to be sick.

"It won't be on your teeth for too long," said Rhea, easing Hebe back into the chair.

Artemis began fitting the braces on and Hebe didn't like it too much, so she started kicking and wiggling around. So Rhea took Hebe's hand and Hebe calmed down a little bit.

"Hebe, we're almost done," said Artemis. "I just need to put the wires in."

Artemis took a sharp instrument and pried open the locks on the braces. Hebe started moving so Artemis had a REALLY hard time putting the wires in.

"Hebe, come on now," Hera scolded gently. "Calm down, sweetheart."

Hebe glared at the goddess of marriage.

"Done," said Artemis, turning the light off.

Rhea handed Hebe some water and Hebe rinsed a few times before leaving with Hera.

When they got home, Hebe asked a very pressing question. "Mommy?"

"What, babe?"

"Can I go back to school and play dress-up?"

"No. You've been through a lot today and you look very tired to me, honey. It's naptime anyway, so go upstairs and I'll tuck you in in a bit."

Hebe nodded sadly and walked upstairs to her room, running her tongue on her teeth. Artemis did a good job. _She_ should be a dentist!

When Hera came in to tuck Hebe into bed, she saw her daughter fast sleep, drool coming out of her mouth, her braces sparkling in the lamp she'd left on. Hera put a blanket over Hebe, kissed her goodnight, and went downstairs to make dinner.

 **Yeah, I know I rushed through it, but I honestly don't remember what happened during my appointment. I got braces eight years ago and I remember SOME of it.**

 **Anyway, PM me with any ideas and I'll respond with credit stuff and whatnot. Thanks for reading and leave a review!**


	47. Frank's Turn

**Okay, first off, thank you all so much for the ideas! I have written them all down in my outline for this story and have also put your names down so I can give you all credit!**

 **Thanks, DaughterofNarnia, for the awesome ideas for Frank!**

 **Keep PMing me with characters! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH PIPER AND TYSON YET! I'm going to put Luke and Octavian together in the same chapter, since I kind of see them as evil buddies! I'm also accepting requests for dead guys, heroes, monsters, other demigods, minor gods/goddesses, and REPEATS! For all of you Hebe fans out there, she might show up again if you give me ideas for her!**

 **Here's the forty-seventh chapter with the longest title ever because I feel like being a smart chick today!**

 **CHAPTER 47: FRANK DRAGS HAZEL TO OLYMPUS FOR SUPPORT BECAUSE SHE OWES HIM AFTER SHE DRAGGED** _ **HIM**_ **TO OLYMPUS (aka FRANK'S TURN)**

Frank Zhang sat in a café in New Rome, sipping a fruit smoothie, when someone cleared their throat next to him. Frank jumped, spitting out half a mouthful of smoothie. "Oh. Hi, Octavian."

Octavian looked at him, holding a knife and a pink bear. "Hello, Frank Zhang. I see you are happily sipping that smoothie that probably came from the Poison Fruit Tree on Neptune Avenue."

"What do you want, Octavian?" Frank snapped. "I've got a life here."

"I have just done the usual reading of the stuffing from stuffed animals. The fake entrails claim you must go to Olympus right away."

"Why?" Frank sighed.

"Because they told me your teeth will shift around in your head and you need braces." Octavian huffed angrily. "So…you might want to go tell Hazel that."

Frank sighed deeply and swallowed the final mouthful of his smoothie. He stood up and shoved Octavian out of the way as he exited the door.

"Oh, before you go…" said Octavian.

Frank gritted his teeth and turned around. "Yes?"

"Could you tell the kitchen staff that I would like chocolate for dinner tonight and that's all?"

"No. _You_ can do that."

Octavian sniffed bitterly and smirked. "And if you see a little girl looking for her pink bear, tell her I have it and she probably won't get it back."

"Okay."

Frank marched off to Reader's Temple, one of the best bookstores in New Rome. As he expected, he found Hazel there, reading a book on Roman mythology.

Frank tapped her on the shoulder and she looked up, closing the book calmly. "Hi, Frank," she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek as he bent down to do the same. "What's up?"

Frank took the seat across from her and looked at her sadly. "Octavian said that he just cut open a bear and its stuffing entrails told him I need to get braces before my teeth start shifting around in my face. I know I'm supposed to be tough and badass, but would you mind coming with me?"

Hazel smiled. "Of course not," she said. "I owe you for making you come anyway. Did you make an appointment yet?"

"No," Frank said.

Hazel whipped out her phone. Her home picture showed Frank lying on a bed, shirtless and smirking at her. She quickly dialed the number to the Olympus Medical Center and waited. She put it on speaker so that Frank could be in on the conversation, too.

"You have reached the Olympus Medical Center," said the automated voice. "Please hold and someone will be with you shortly."

Terrible elevator music started playing. Frank covered his ears and Hazel thought that was insanely cute so she giggled quietly when Frank turned to her.

"Hello?" said a girly voice.

"Hello, this is Hazel Levesque."

"Like, hi, Hazel! It's Venus. How's it going with you and Frankie?"

"Please don't call him that."

"Sorry."

"I'm calling to make an appointment for Frank to get braces."

"Oh, yeah! Mars made him an appointment last night to get them on, so we'll see you in…hmm…three minutes!"

"THREE MINUTES?!" screamed Frank.

"Yep," Venus giggled. "Bye now!"

Hazel looked at Frank. Then she grabbed his hand and pulled him to the waiting room of Olympus. "I owe you for dragging you last time, Frank," she explained. "It's not that bad. Try not to puke on her though."

Frank picked up a magazine entitled _Bloodshed and Violence: An Interview with Ares_. "Yeah. Can't guarantee that, Haze."

"I'm sure everything will be fine," said Hazel, squeezing his hand.

"Don't let Venus see you two holding hands out here," whispered a godly voice next to Hazel. Standing before them was Jupiter, dressed in blue scrubs with some pens sticking out of a pocket. "Ready for braces, Frank?" he said.

"Not really," Frank admitted sheepishly.

"Eh…you'll live," said Jupiter, leading Frank into the room. "I'm afraid you'll have to wait out here," he told Hazel.

"Fine with me," Hazel replied, picking up another magazine called _Riches to More Riches_.

The good news: Venus wasn't there yet. The bad news: Frank could hear high heels off in the distance, which meant she was close by.

Jupiter draped the napkin around Frank's shirt and looked over his chart. "So, we're not doing an impression today because we know where to put the braces on. You'll need to come back every eight weeks to get them tightened, but they shouldn't be too much of a pain." He handed Frank a list of what he couldn't eat. "Yeah…I lied about that last part."

"Uh…can I eat popcorn?"

Jupiter took out a pen and tapped the word POPCORN on the paper. "If it's on the paper, you are NOT allowed to stuff it in your face. Oh. Hi, Venus."

Venus walked into the room and Frank almost passed out because she was wearing this insane amount of perfume that went right to his head. Her curly, blonde hair was bouncing as she walked towards them, wearing a bright-pink lab coat.

Venus giggled and snapped her gloves on. "I never thought I'd get to do surgery to fix your face!" she squealed.

"Hey, lady," snapped Jupiter, "less talking, more braces-fitting!"

"Fine. Frank, I'm going to lean the chair back and put this stuff in your mouth."

Venus leaned the chair back and put the cement on Frank's teeth. That was the easiest part of the procedure. Venus messed up as soon as she put on the first bracket.

"It's upside down," said Jupiter bitterly. "Who taught you how to be a dentist, Venus?"

"Uh…I watched a video on YouTube and it looked pretty easy, so I applied for the procedure today. And don't ruin this moment for me either. I want to feel like I've accomplished something today besides having sex and putting my makeup on!"

Venus kept putting the brackets on upside down, obviously not caring about how they looked. When she was finally finished, she put the wires in and grabbed a blue light from Jupiter that would dry the cement. "There," she sighed. "All done."

Jupiter looked at Frank's teeth. First off, the braces weren't even. Secondly, Venus hadn't put the wire in correctly, so it was sticking out like Frank had a severe overbite.

Jupiter grabbed a tool, took out the wires of the braces, and turned the brackets the right way up. Venus just sat there. She took the light and shined it on herself, taking out her lipstick, a hand mirror, and mascara and putting on her makeup yet again.

"I need the light to finish your work for you, Venus," Jupiter barked. "NOW!"

"For the king, you sure are a terrible one!" Venus squeaked, rubbing her lips together to spread her lipstick around.

"Now, I'm going to finish your work for you by putting the wire in the right way," Jupiter said. He applied some pressure to the brackets and the wire clicked into place. By now, Frank was in tears because this was a terrible ordeal—having to get braces and all.

"Your teeth look great," said Venus as she examined them. "You'll need to eat ice cream and Popsicles. Doctor's orders. Okay, Frankie?"

"Don't call me _Frankie_ ," Frank snapped. "Just _Frank_."

Venus shrugged. "Whatever."

"Sorry about that, Frank," said Jupiter as he led him outside to the waiting room.

Hazel stood up quickly. "How'd it go?"

"It was awful," Frank said, spraying spit all over Jupiter's scrubs and talking with a lisp. "Venus sucks and I hate her."

"Don't we all," Jupiter chuckled. "Here." He whipped out a piece of paper and wrote down Frank's next appointment. "Don't worry. It's not for another couple of months and she won't do the procedure again. I'll get someone smart next time."

 **PM me with more ideas! Don't know who's up next. Again, I need Luke and Octavian, Piper, and Tyson!**


	48. Houston, We Have a Problem

**Me: O, Athena, goddess of wisdom—**

 **Athena: WHAT, MORTAL?!**

 **Me: Please allow me to write another chapter involving you at the dentist!**

 **Athena: Fine!**

 **And here's another god chapter…sorry, I know I promised whoever was supposed to be next. I will focus on more demigods/dead people next time. STILL IN NEED OF OCTAVIAN! Luke and he are going to be together!**

 **I own nothing, and I had to look up synonyms to make myself sound like Athena when I was writing her out, so there you go.**

 **And as always, thanks so much for the reviews, guys! And this one came from Owlion12 for giving me the Athena idea!**

 **CHAPTER 48: HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM**

Athena walked into her palace to find Hermes standing on her table, doing some terrible dance that no one cares about.

"Get off my table," Athena demanded. "How unwise of you!"

"Just wanted to drop this off with you," Hermes said. He jumped off the table and handed Athena a card.

 _ **Time for your cleaning! Your fun-filled cleaning awaits! Please make your appointment now before all the good gods are taken (and you don't get Hera or Demeter)!**_

Athena glared at her half-brother. "Thank you, Hermes. Get out."

"Okay."

Hermes skipped out of the palace and Athena ran to her phone. She quickly dialed the number to the Olympus Medical Center and tapped her fingers on the counter as she waited for someone to answer because she was impatient that way.

Finally, Artemis answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, Artemis. This is Athena. I need an appointment for my cleaning, so can you get me in soon?"

"I sure can," Artemis replied. "Uh…are you available tomorrow morning at ten?"

Athena looked at her calendar and sighed. Tomorrow was her one day of the week she could chill and relax. "Yes…yes, that's fine," she replied.

"Perfect. I'll let someone know and they'll be there waiting for you."

"You're not doing it?"

"Nope. I am heading to the deep, dark woods to do hunter stuff with my Hunters. And then we shall go into the hot springs where no gods are to spy on us."

"That's great, Art," said Athena bitterly. "Thank you for scheduling me."

"No problem."

The next morning, Athena was sitting in the dentist chair, looking up at her father. You're probably thinking Zeus is doing the procedure, right? **WRONG!** Zeus was assisting. Hephaestus, who still had a thing for her, was doing the procedure. He thought that if Athena had a good appointment, he'd be in a good mood, and Athena would say yes to coming to his house later for dinner.

"So," said Zeus, "Athena, we're going to look at your teeth and clean them, blah, blah, blah…any questions?"

As Athena was getting her teeth cleaned, Hephaestus stopped what he was doing and glanced at Athena, who shut her mouth tightly and glared at him. "Yes, Hephaestus? It is not wise of you to stop the procedure when you were about to finish."

"Houston, we have a problem," Hephaestus said dramatically.

"Ha, ha," Zeus chuckled. "I found that rather droll."

"What is it?" Athena demanded. "I need to go do architecture blueprints. I'm designing statues and helping Annabeth and—"

"Houston, we _still_ have a problem," said Hephaestus, picking up a hand mirror and handing it to Athena. "See this? That's a cavity, Houston. And see this one right here? That's another cavity, Houston. We'll have to operate right away if you want to live."

Athena decided enough was enough. She promptly ruined the mood by snarling, "Hephaestus, my name is Athena. Houston is a city in Texas. Secondly, I am immortal, which means I will not be able to die if you do not operate immediately."

"Way to ruin the fun, Athena," said Hephaestus, leaning the chair back a little further.

"Yeah," Zeus said. "Hera would've found that rather droll, too."

"Are you just saying that word to sound smarter?" Hephaestus asked, giving Athena some cherry-flavored topical and getting ready to give her the shots.

"Well, last night, I wanted to prove that I was smarter than Hestia, so I had her over for dinner. And after I had my nightly cup of nectar-flavored coffee, I pulled out this thing called a dictionary. After I murdered all the dust bunnies on it, I opened the book and it came to the word _droll_ , so I told Hestia about it and we quizzed each other on big words."

As Hephaestus was about to give her the shot, Athena held up her hand abruptly. "How is this possible? I brush and floss five times a day! I rinse with mouthwash three times a day! This is soooo unwise!"

"Do you think it's unwise to be obsessively cleaning your teeth every five minutes?" asked Zeus.

"No. I think it's perfectly reasonable!"

"Just relax," said Zeus, putting a hand on Athena's shoulder and pushing her back into the chair. "I know what'll distract you. Stare at my physique and tell me if I should be a model."

Athena almost threw up. "Father, you are incredible egotistical!"

"Pfft, whatever," said Zeus. "I know what that means, but I'm going to ignore it because it simply doesn't compute."

Athena walked out about fifteen minutes later, biting on a piece of gauze, her bottom lip completely numb. She had never had a cavity before, much less two, so she wasn't used to the feeling of numbness. When she woke up from her wisdom teeth procedure, she didn't remember anything, even though Dr. King had injected her with Novocain to prevent further pain.

So of course, right when Athena walked into her house, she turned around again because she was about to be late for a Council meeting.

In the throne room, all the gods were present. Zeus and Hera were bitching about their marital status; Demeter was eating cereal and making her phone bloom into various types of flowers; Ares, Poseidon, Apollo, and Hephaestus were all comparing feelings about Aphrodite; and everyone else just kinda sat there.

"SILENCE!" yelled Zeus. "Now, we will begin the meeting. First off, we're going to start with Athena"—Zeus smirked—"who will tell us something intelligent, I'm sure. Athena, the floor is yours."

Athena cleared her throat. She spat the gauze out a few minutes ago, but she was still pretty numb. "Weww," she drooled, "it is my undewstanding dat Annabeff and Pewcy awe stiww in wove."

The room was quiet.

"What was that, dear?" asked Demeter. "Are you having lack-of-cereal disease?"

"Shut up, Demetew," Athena snapped. "I stiww fink it's unwise fo Annabeff to be dating dat Pewcy chawactew."

The Council glared at Athena.

"Have you been drinking?" Demeter asked curiously. "That's how Persephone talks when she's drinking. I think it's hilarious!"

"I awso wanna point out dat my name is Affeena, not Houston…Hephaesthus," Athena snapped, slobbering all over her white dress.

"Athena, honey," said Aphrodite, "you're numb. You shouldn't even be here now. Go home and rest."

"I DON'T WANNA WEST, APHWODI-EE!" Athena screamed, stamping her foot and making the room shake. "I AM DA GODDESS OF WISDOM! I…DON'T…NEED…WEST!"

With each word, more spit was sprayed on the floor, so when Athena began walking towards the hearth to sit with Hestia for some reason, she tripped on her own spit…and fell into it.

Demeter and Hestia helped Athena up, made sure she was okay, and went back to Demeter's palace so Athena could sleep off the rest of the Novocain.

"And this meeting is now over because everything got awkward," said Zeus. "I shall text all of you my rather boring and not-droll speech later…if I feel like it."

 **Did you guys like** _ **droll**_ **? It actually means funny.**


	49. Tyson and Rainbow

**This one's for you, Girl Poseidon! Tyson's adorable, so I hope everyone likes this chapter because he's so adorable. Hera might be a bit OOC, but that's because I always saw her as a motherly person towards Tyson for some reason. I don't know.**

 **So remember how I made Demeter and Trip get married? Well, I made up my original character named Fructus, who's their son, and the god of fruits. "Fructus" means "fruits" in Latin…and I also saw it on a shampoo bottle and I was all like "Hey, that sounds like a Greek god." Long story short, should I put him in this FanFiction or not?**

 **PLEASE KEEP REVIEWING, GUYS!**

 **CHAPTER 49: TYSON AND RAINBOW**

It was just another day in the forges under the sea. Terrible music was playing, Cyclopes were working, and Tyson's belly was rumbling because he wanted some freaking peanut butter.

Tyson nudged the Cyclops next to him. "Hey, Stinky?"

"Huh?" Stinky said.

"Do you think it would be okay if I went away to the bathroom for a bit and grabbed some peanut butter? I'm hungry. My tummy's making funny noises."

"No, Tyson," Stinky replied. "The last time you did that, the boss got pissed."

The door flew open and Poseidon walked in, his trident in hand, looking pleased. "Tyson, my boy! Get your Cyclops ass over here and give your daddy a manly hug!"

Tyson laughed loudly and gave Poseidon a hug that nearly broke Poseidon's godly ribs.

"Okay…that's enough," said Poseidon. "Come with me, dude."

Tyson and Poseidon walked back to Poseidon's palace. Poseidon and Tyson sat on the couch and Poseidon handed Tyson a large jar of peanut butter—the extra-chunky kind. Tyson burst into tears of happiness and began to eat the peanut butter.

"So, Tyson," said Poseidon as Tyson shoved the peanut butter down his throat, "I have something fun planned for you this afternoon."

"Are we going to the McDonald's Playland? Percy said I have to go there before I die."

Poseidon arched his eyebrows. "What's wrong with him? No, Tyson. You're going to the dentist! YAY!"

Tyson clapped his hands. "I'm so excited! Can I go now?"

"Well…I guess it couldn't hurt to go early. But I can't stay with you, Tyson. I have to get back here and watch the football game that probably won't come on for another three years."

So Poseidon and Tyson headed up to Olympus, where Poseidon and Tyson sat in the waiting room. Poseidon grabbed the clipboard that was sitting on the bench (he'd talked to the assistant beforehand and she said they could come early). Tyson looked at the TV screen, which was playing a new music video of Apollo singing "Walking on Sunshine".

Hera, the assistant, came out of the office. She looked uncharacteristically calm today. Maybe she and Zeus had had some quality time last night and…yeah…

"Hello, boys," she said, sitting next to Poseidon on the bench. "Any questions before I take him back?"

"Yeah. When can I pick him up?" Poseidon demanded.

"In about an hour," Hera replied, tapping Tyson on the shoulder. "Tyson, dear, it's time to come back now."

"Can't Daddy come, too?" asked Tyson, getting teary-eyed.

"Not today, dear," said Hera soothingly. She took Tyson's hand and led him back into the office.

"I'll be right here waiting for you, Tyson," said Poseidon, who was reading this week's edition of _The Daily Roman_.

Meanwhile, Hera got Tyson to sit in the red chair and looked over his chart. "So, Tyson," she said, "we're going to give you something that'll get you ready for braces. It's called an _expander_. So we'll put some glue on your teeth and we'll place the expander in."

Tyson's only concern was, "Is this gonna hurt?"

"No, honey," Hera cooed. She put a napkin on him. "This is so you don't drool on your nice shirt. Who gave that to you?"

"P-Percy," Tyson said. The poor kid was so scared he was starting to cry.

Hera took some Kleenex and dabbed at Tyson's face. "Don't cry, sweetie."

"But I'm scared. I want Daddy," Tyson sobbed.

"Stop crying or I'll smite you!"

Zeus marched into the room, carrying a tool tray with scary stuff on it. Before Tyson could notice, Zeus set the tray down on the platform and sat in the chair. He threw a pair of gloves and a mask to Hera, and he put on his own gear. And since he was such a heartless jackass, he leaned the chair back suddenly, turned on the light, and glanced at Tyson. "Open your mouth, little Cyclops."

"Hold it," Hera said, "do you want to look at his chart first, Dr. Zeus?"

"Why in Hades are you calling me _Dr. Zeus_? I'm a king. If I'd gone to medical school, I would be even cooler."

"What?"

"Nothing, honey. Let's see the chart."

Zeus examined the chart and handed it back to Hera. "Okay, we're giving him an expander and he'll be coming back for braces in a few months." He looked at his patient, who was whimpering in the chair. "That's enough," said Zeus. "How dare you cry in my presence, child? I'M A NICE GUY!"

"No!" Tyson sobbed. "Nice people don't yell."

"Will you just open your mouth so we can get this over with?" said Zeus. "I have a football game to watch and I was planning on drinking beer with Ares tonight."

Hera looked at Tyson and took his hand. "Tyson, look at me, dear. If you're a good patient for Dr. Zeus, we'll give you a shiny sticker at the end. How does that sound?"

"I thought those were only for Hebe," said Zeus.

Hera shot him a nasty, queenly look. "No, honey. They're for Tyson, too. Tyson, honey, open your mouth for Dr. Zeus."

"Daddy told me that Zeus likes to have sex a lot with people he's not married to," Tyson said.

Hera eventually convinced Tyson to open his mouth so Zeus could see where to put the expander. However, Tyson's teeth were covered in peanut butter (and they were just bad in general), so Zeus spent a lot of time getting peanut butter off Tyson's teeth.

Two hours later, Zeus was about to put the expander in. Tyson had just rinsed for tenth time. Hera handed Zeus a few swabs of the cement that he'd be using to place in the expander.

About an hour ago, Hera was forced to give Tyson some laughing gas, because Tyson wouldn't cooperate with Dr. Zeus. Now Tyson was pretty high and telling Zeus he was a creepy stalker, which somehow got all three of them talking about Hades.

Zeus cemented the expander in and sat the chair up. "How does that feel, Tyson?" he asked.

Tyson felt the expander with his tongue and his eyes got all big…and teary. "Rainbow!" he sobbed. "You killed Rainbow and put him in my mouth! He died!"

"Oh, sweetie," said Hera, "Rainbow didn't die. That's just some glue Dr. Zeus used."

"It tastes like Rainbow," Tyson howled.

Zeus went out to get Poseidon while Hera distracted Tyson with a sticker. What luck, too; it was in the shape of a pony. "Where do you want the sticker, honey? Do you want it on your shirt or your hand?"

"I want Rainbow back!" Tyson said.

"How about I put it right here?" Hera cooed, putting the sticker on Tyson's hand. "See? There's Rainbow! He went away for a bit, but now he's back!"

"Oh…yeah…Rainbow's nice…" Tyson said, sitting back in the chair and looking up at the ceiling.

"So, we had to give him some nitrous," said Zeus, "he just wouldn't stop crying and whatnot. So he'll be high for a while. In the meantime…" Zeus handed Poseidon a blue key to turn the expander. "I'm going to show you how to do this because I don't trust you with written instructions because you're an idiot." He leaned the chair back, turned on the light, and pried Tyson's jaws open. "So you stick the key right here, and you turn it, and do the same thing the next day. Get out of here."

After Tyson and Poseidon got home, Tyson was coming off his high. "Wh-what's this thing in my mouth, Daddy?"

"It's an expander," Poseidon replied.

Tyson shrugged. "Can I have some peanut butter?"

"Sure."

Since peanut butter is really sticky, and Tyson couldn't have anything sticky for a long time, Poseidon put some peanut butter in ice cream and gave it to Tyson.

 **There you are. I know it was a bit like a Hebe chapter, but there you have it!**


	50. Fructus' First Cleaning

**I AM ICY…GODDESS OF…uh…NOT UPDATING IN, LIKE, A WEEK! Yeah, sorry about that. This week's been a mostly good week (but bad stuff happened, too). But now 'tis the weekend and I can write all I want…maybe…**

 **Fructus is my ORIGINAL character. Here's a little bit about him (in case you want me to put him in another couple of chapters or whatnot). Fructus is the son of Trippy and Demeter. He's the god of fruits and fruit sugars. Not only did he inherit his parents' obsession with agriculture, but he also inherited Demeter's blonde hair and, unfortunately, Trip's acid reflux issue. He is very kind and sweet, like his mother. Favorite activities include: farming, farming, eating fruit, eating candy when Dem and Trip aren't looking, and more farming.**

 **This one goes out to Owlion12 and Lost-In-A-New-World! I own nothing, except Fructus!**

 **LET US ALSO CELEBRATE 50 CHAPTERS! YAY! TRYING TO GET REVIEW UP TO 200!**

 **CHAPTER 50: FRUCTUS' FIRST CLEANING**

Fructus' last day of summer was _not_ fun at all. Sure, he loved plowing the fields with his father and baking bread with his mother (he was an only child), but yesterday was like overkill family time with his parents.

Fructus was three (in human years), and the rule on Olympus was that every god started preschool when they were three. So that meant Demeter and Triptolemus were constantly taking to him about it.

So on the last day of summer break, it was very hot outside. Fructus was sleeping peacefully when Triptolemus barged into his room. "Rise and shine, Daddy's favorite farmer!" he yelled. "It's time to…plant stuff!"

Fructus groaned and rolled over. "Five more minutes," he moaned.

"Not today, kid," Trip replied, shaking his son awake and throwing some overalls at him. "Put those on and meet me downstairs for some cereal."

Fructus sighed and got out of bed. He threw on the overalls and headed downstairs to meet his parents for breakfast.

Demeter and Trip were sitting at the table, both of them drinking orange juice and eating bowls of Frosted Flakes. Demeter kissed her son good morning and offered him some cereal.

Fructus pushed his bowl away and looked at his mother. "Mommy?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Can we have waffles?"

"No! Waffles make you fat, Fructus! Don't you _dare_ ask that again!" Demeter snapped. "Eat your cereal before the sun comes up! You know that if you eat before sunrise, you'll grow up big and strong."

 _Bitch_ , Fructus thought. Yeah, he heard a lot of words like those around Olympus…especially when Ares and Aphrodite babysat. It was also a bad time to say it because Trip and Fructus could literally read each other's minds. Triptolemus thought it would be a fun father-son thing to do.

 _Fructus, don't think bad thoughts about your mother_ , Trip scolded.

 _But, Daddy, she's sooo annoying_ , Fructus complained.

 _I know, but when you're a big boy you can move out of the house and not have to hear her_ , Trip replied.

The family finished breakfast and headed out to the fields to plant seeds and whatever the hell farmer gods do nowadays.

At sunset, they all came back inside and ate dinner together. Demeter made a simple salad, some whole-grain noodles, and for dessert…

"YUCKY!" Fructus yelled. "I HATE OATMEAL!"

"Fructus," Demeter snapped, "eat your oatmeal so you'll grow up big and strong!"

Trip got out of his seat and sat in the chair with Fructus on his lap. He picked up the spoon and force-fed the oatmeal to Fructus, who gagged and spat it out…which is why Demeter sent him to bed early.

"Now, tomorrow," said Demeter as she was kissing her son goodnight, "it's your first day of preschool. I requested Ms. Hecate to make something with grains and vitamins…and I asked her to give you something bland so your reflux doesn't get worse."

Fructus rolled his eyes.

"Don't roll your eyes at me, young man," Demeter snapped. "And your first dentist appointment is tomorrow. So we'll be picking you up at two."

Fructus blanched. "Are they gonna put me to sleep, Mommy?"

"Of course not. They're just going to clean your teeth. Speaking of which, did you brush tonight?"

Fructus didn't like listening to his mother, so he lied and said: "Yep. Of course I did."

Demeter smiled. "Okay. I love you, honey." And she kissed him on the forehead and headed out of the room.

Triptolemus walked in a moment later. "Listen, Fructus, I know you didn't brush your teeth tonight."

"So?" Fructus asked timidly.

"So, you know what the punishment is."

Fructus had to apologize to Demeter for lying, then he had to sing a song involving farm animals. He went with "Miss Demeter Had a Farm" and Demeter started crying because she was _that_ delighted.

The next morning, at the crack of freaking dawn, Trip woke Fructus up and got him ready for preschool.

"Do you want to wear your overalls or this nice shirt Mommy got for you?" Trip said.

"Overalls," Fructus replied.

On the way over to Ms. Hecate's Academy, Triptolemus and Demeter laid down the rules for Fructus.

"Don't interrupt your teacher," said Trip.

"And use your inside voice," Demeter added.

"Don't run in the classroom."

"Don't hit, scratch, or bite, or you'll be eating cereal for the next three weeks for dinner."

"Listen to the teacher."

"Don't run off into the street."

"Anything else?" Fructus asked.

"Be good," they both replied. Trip pulled into a parking spot near the door and undid Fructus' car seat. Fructus hopped out of the car and grabbed Demeter's hand as she led them inside.

They stopped at Ms. Hecate's office to check in (because that was the rule).

"Good morning, Ms. Hecate," said Demeter. She lifted Fructus up. "This is Fructus and it's his first day of school today."

"Well, nice to meet you, Fructus," said Hecate. "He'll be in Ms. Psyche's class this year."

Just then Hera and Hebe walked into the office. Hebe was holding a doll and a box of Animal Crackers…and eating them with her mouth open.

Hera sighed as she signed her daughter in. "Hebe, what did we talk about yesterday?"

"Daddy likes sex?"

"No. The other part."

"It's not ladylike to eat with your food coming out of your face," Hebe recited.

"Very good, honey," Hera said. "Oh. Hi, guys." She gave Fructus a peck on the forehead and hugged Demeter and Triptolemus. "First day, Fructus?"

"Uh-huh," said Fructus.

"Oh," Hecate said, "has Fructus had his physical yet?"

Demeter nodded. "Here's the form. He's going to the dentist this afternoon at two, so we'll be back later."

"Excellent! Well, Hera and Hebe can take you to Ms. Psyche's classroom."

When they got to Ms. Psyche's classroom, Fructus said a tearful goodbye to Demeter and Trip, then followed Hebe to the carpet for circle time.

"Good morning, everybody," Ms. Psyche said cheerfully. "We have a new student with us this morning who wasn't in our class last year. Fructus, do you want to tell everyone about yourself?"

Fructus stood up shakily. "H-hi," he stammered. "My name is F-Fructus. I'm the god of fruits and fruit sugars. My mommy's name is Demeter and my daddy's name is Trippy. And my favorite color is lellow."

"I think it's _yellow_ , dear," said Ms. Psyche gently. "But thank you for introducing yourself."

Then Ms. Psyche tortured them with the "Good Morning" song, the "ABC: Greek Style" song, and the "Olympian Numbers" song. Afterwards, it was story time, so Ms. Psyche asked Fructus to help her turn the pages of the book called _Mr. Hades and Miss Persephone_. Finally, it was time for lunch.

Ms. Hecate brought in a huge bowl of mac-and-cheese with hamburger meat in it, some grapes, some baby carrots, and some vanilla pudding for dessert. Fructus knew that this wasn't what his mother would've wanted him to eat for lunch, but he didn't care. He was having a great time talking to Hebe and Macaria.

"Is everyone done so we can go play outside?" asked Ms. Psyche.

She led all the kids outside and Fructus immediately ran for the swings with Hebe. They both got on the tire swing together and Macaria pushed them on it. The swings spun so much and Fructus was having a wonderful time…until he saw Ms. Hecate walking toward him.

"Hi, honey," she said. "Mommy's here for you."

Fructus saw Demeter and Triptolemus waiting inside the front office. Demeter had just signed Fructus out and they left shortly after that.

When they got to Olympus, Demeter put on the TV for her son while Trip read a book about the harvest moon…or whatever. Fructus was busy watching "Sesame Street"…until his uncle walked out.

Now Fructus had three uncles—Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades. Today, he was looking at his Uncle Hades. Today, Uncle Hades was dressed in his usual black attire, but he was holding a clipboard and had a mask draped around his neck. He looked all ready for assisting a dentist today.

"Hey," Hades said in a gloomy tone. "I hate all of you so let's get this over with. Follow me."

Demeter carried Fructus into the office (though he struggled because he was a big boy now, and big boys can walk). Demeter placed Fructus in the red chair and looked at the dentist. It was Persephone, which made Demeter feel a lot better. (She had been hoping for a nice goddess so Fructus wouldn't be scarred for life.)

"Hi, Fructus," Persephone said sweetly, wheeling over to the chair and snapping her gloves on. "Are you ready for your cleaning today?"

Fructus shook his head, stared at Triptolemus, and reached for him. "Daddy, I just got the flu. I gots to go home now."

"No, buddy. You're staying right here until your teeth are sparkling," Trip said, taking his son's hand.

"Fructus," said Persephone in her usual sweet tone, "we're going to take some pictures to see if you have any cavities."

Fructus looked at Hades, who was doing the x-rays. Naturally, Fructus freaked out and started to sob.

"Mother, can you make him stop?" asked Persephone. "We need to do the x-rays."

"Fructus, look at Mommy. If you're a good boy today, we'll go get some ice cream later," Demeter bribed.

Once the x-rays were taken (and Demeter made Hades leave because he was freaking Fructus out), Persephone began to clean Fructus' teeth. Fructus didn't have any cavities, nor any other dental problems she saw.

The only problem was that Fructus kept crying and squirming around.

Persephone put down the tools and looked at her mother. "We need to calm Fructus down. If he keeps moving like this, his gums will bleed if I hit them with the explorer."

Triptolemus stood up, sadly put his book about agriculture on the chair beside Demeter, and sat in the chair with Fructus. Fructus sat on Trip's lap and Persephone continued the cleaning.

"Can I come back in now?" asked Hades from the doorway. (He'd been standing there the whole time.)

"No," snapped Demeter. "I am _not_ letting you near my family! You are a pervert, Hades!"

"Yeah…well…sometimes that happens when you're stuck in the Underworld for a long time," Hades replied. "You guys done yet?"

"Just sitting the chair up, dear," said Persephone. "Okay. Great job, Fructus! You were so brave! I think you deserve some ice cream!"

Fructus and his parents headed to The Mighty Ice Cream Cone, the best ice cream store on Olympus. They quickly ate their ice cream cones and headed back to their palace, where Trip put Fructus down for his nap.

"Well, that was very successful," said Demeter happily.

"Yeah. I think Persephone should clean his teeth from now on," Triptolemus replied. "She's excellent at that kind of thing."

 **This was kind of like me when I went for my first cleaning. My dad sat with me in the chair and he had to bribe me with ice cream, too.**

 **ANYWAY, I'm still looking for ideas for Octavian. He and Luke—the evil buddies—shall be together. It'll kind of be like the Stolls' chapter where they were in the office together. So let me know in a review or PM! Thanks for reading!**


	51. Team Leo!

**This one is for Girl Poseidon. Thanks for the Leo idea!**

 **CHAPTER 51: TEAM LEO!**

 **Leo's POV**

Ah…a nice day on the _Argo II_. Last night was really fun. Coach Satyrface let us all have some marshmallows and we burned them all because he sucks at giving verbal directions. So we all went to bed last night with half our tongues falling out of our mouths because it was so hot…like the almighty Leo Valdez here!

I decided to brush my teeth before breakfast. I headed into my connecting bathroom, pulled out my toothbrush and toothpaste, and began to brush my teeth.

As I was brushing, I happened to look in the mirror at my smile. Of course, it was flawless, but I realized something was very wrong. This "something" was the fact that one of my teeth looked slightly smaller than the other teeth in the front.

So, like the awesome son of Hephaestus that I am, I freaked out and ran to Jason's door.

I knocked wildly. "YO, GRACE! PIPER FELL OFF THE SHIP!"

Jason opened the door, looking concerned and bleary-eyed. "W-what?" he began.

I smiled. "Got you!"

"Dammit, Leo! You're such a pain in the—"

"Yeah…I know. Piper's fine. Listen, I've got a problem."

"What's wrong?" Jason asked angrily.

"Well, I think I have a baby tooth that never fell out of my face," I said sheepishly.

Jason looked at me, then that crazy bastard had the nerve to laugh. "Leo," he howled with laughter, "you…you're too old to have baby teeth! Let me take a look."

Jason pulled me inside of his cabin and looked at the tooth I told him about. Then he looked at me. "Uh…yeah…that doesn't look good, Leo. I'm going to drag you to Olympus and we'll get it taken care of."

"What does that mean?" I asked, clearly freaking out.

"It means we'll get someone to yank it," Jason laughed. "C'mon!"

 **No one's POV**

Leo and Jason walked into the throne room and sat on the bench in the waiting area. Hestia—sorry, Vesta—was sitting at the hearth, minding her own business. When she saw the two heroes, she jumped and smiled at them once she'd settled down. "Good morning, Jason and Leo," she said. "How are you guys doing today?"

"Fine, Lady Vesta," said Jason. "Leo's having a baby tooth looked at because he's too old to have them. So that's why we're here."

"Ah," said Vesta. "I think your doctor's almost ready for you anyway."

A tall woman walked out of the exam room. She wore silver scrubs and had a mask draped around her neck like she was about to do surgery on Leo's face. Her hair was in a high ponytail and she was carrying a clipboard. "Leo Valdez?" she called, scanning the paper on the clipboard.

"Right here, sir," Leo said nervously.

" _Sir_?" the woman snapped. "Do I look like a _sir_ to you?"

"Sorry, I meant _Lady Artemis_ ," said Leo.

Artemis nodded. "That's better. All right. You can follow me back and we'll take some x-rays."

Artemis quickly took some x-rays. The doctor wasn't there yet, so Artemis thought she'd get the job done real quick so that when the doctor came, she could just do the procedure with them and go back to her very lovely Hunters (that was sarcasm, friends).

"Hey, y'alls!" said a cheerful voice.

Leo glanced at Artemis, who was sitting stiffly in the assistant's chair. "Oh no…" she groaned.

Apollo walked in, carrying a pile of tools and setting them on the tool tray. Apollo wore a white lab coat and had a stethoscope around his neck.

"Apollo," Artemis said bitterly.

"Yeah?"

"You _do_ realize you're not a _medical_ doctor, right?"

"Yeah. But I'm the god of medicine, so how about you just shut the Hades up," Apollo replied cheerfully. "So, Leo, I'm Apollo and I'll be doing things to you today."

"Music Man, could you spare me the sex jokes?" Leo said.

"That wasn't supposed to be a sex joke," said Apollo sheepishly. "So…what brought you in today, Leo?"

"Well, as I was brushing my gorgeous teeth, I noticed that one of my teeth was smaller than the other ones, so I thought it was a baby tooth that never fell out."

"Got it," said Apollo, handing the chart back to Artemis and putting some gloves on. "Well, let's take a look."

Apollo leaned the chair back and examined Leo's teeth. "Well," he concluded, "I'm not sure why, but yeah, you've still got a baby tooth that never fell out. We're going to pull that right away so it doesn't bother you anymore. Now I'm assuming you want to be high, so we'll give you some laughing gas, in addition to the Novocain."

Leo shrugged. "Whatever, Music Man."

"Okay," Apollo said, putting a mask on. "So, I'm going to give you some topical so you won't feel the needle going in. Hey, Artemis, please hand me the topical."

Artemis handed the topical over to Apollo, who gave it to Leo. It was cherry, but for some reason, Leo felt like he was tasting metal because the flavor was so bad. Artemis placed the laughing gas mask over Leo's nose and made him breathe it in. Even before Apollo gave him the Novocain, Leo was higher than the moon.

Apollo picked up some forceps and began talking to Leo about his new musical called _Stuck in the Womb with Artemis: the Musical_. Artemis glared at her twin.

"So," said Apollo as he gave the tooth a tug, "I was planning on calling it something that was cool, like _Apollo the Handsome God_ , but that sounded so… _not_ cool. I settled on this last night while I was typing it up, so sorry if I pull the wrong tooth. I'm a little tired today."

"Uh-huh," Leo managed.

"Done," Apollo said, handing Leo some water. "Now don't do any heavy activities today, got it? We need to make sure you've had time to heal—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Leo. "Bye! Love you guys!"

Once Leo was back on the _Argo II_ , he headed into his cabin for some secret work. He was planning on conquering the world in less than two hours. First he did a bunch of computer stuff and went to his Start menu and he clicked on Paint. Then he made a picture by himself that said ALL THE LADIES LOVE LEO and saved it to his computer. Then he somehow got all the computers to say that as their screensaver.

Next, he decided to run around the _Argo II_ completely shirtless. He knocked on Hedge's door.

"What?" Hedge barked.

"Team Leo!" Leo yelled, running off to Hazel's cabin.

He knocked on Hazel's door.

Hazel answered it. "Yes, Leo?" she asked kindly.

"Team Leo!" yelled Leo and ran off to Percy's door.

"Hey, man," said Percy. "Why's your face all fat?"

"PEWCY!" Leo screamed. "JOIN TEAM LEO!"

"No. You should join Team Percy."

"I gots to go pee!" Leo giggled, running off to Annabeth's door.

Annabeth answered the door. She looked tired from reading all the blueprints on her bed. "Hi, Leo. What can I do for you?"

"Can I pee in here?" asked Leo.

"No," said Annabeth, slamming the door in his face. By now, the laughing gas was starting to wear off, so Leo headed back to his room, did some more stuff on the computer, and out came a shirt that said TEAM PERCY SUX on it.


	52. Fire Safety with Mr Prometheus

**Okay, here is my original idea for Prometheus! We needed some Titans in here, too. So keep reviewing, PMing, and giving me more ideas. At this point, I think all the gods are finished. If you want me to do repeats, let me know. I am always thrilled to give you guys credit for the ideas you give me and I'll try to live up to your expectations! ENJOY!**

 **CHAPTER 52: FIRE SAFETY WITH MR. PROMETHEUS**

Prometheus was spending the day with his idiot brother Epimetheus in one of Hephaestus' forges. They were, as usual, messing around and goofing off.

"Dude," said Prometheus, "if I light this hammer on fire, what do you think it'll do?"

"Uh…I don't know," said Epimetheus, which was his usual answer.

"Of course you don't," said Prometheus, shaking his head sadly. "Well, it's probably going to explode, so watch out, dude. Here it goes!"

Prometheus put the hammer he was holding over the flame and—within three seconds— _BOOM_! The hammer exploded, sending both of the Titans flying backward. Epimetheus hit a wall and fell unconscious. Prometheus smacked his face against a filing cabinet.

"Ugh…" Prometheus said, massaging his face, "oh, gods. Dude! I think one of my teeth came out!"

"Huh?" Epimetheus said.

"Never mind," said Prometheus bitterly. "I need to go to Olympus to get it looked at," he said through a mouthful of ichor. "Don't touch anything while I'm gone, or Heph said we'll lose our memberships and won't get upgrades for our iPhone 7s!"

"Okay!" Epimetheus promised. "Bye!"

Prometheus held a Kleenex to his mouth while he waited in the waiting room to be seen. Luckily, the dentist could take him right away, but he wasn't too happy about who the dentist was.

Before the dentist came in, Helios, Titan of the sun, came out to get Prometheus.

"What happened to your face?" asked Helios.

"Uh…I was playing with fire again," Prometheus said sheepishly.

"Bad Titan," said Helios.

"Dude. I'm a Titan, not a dog."

"Ah, Prometheus," said Zeus, walking into the office and carrying a tool tray. "What happened to your face?"

"Didn't I _just_ get off the phone with you?" snapped Prometheus.

"I knew this would happen if I gave you a break from that eagle," said Zeus, sitting next to Prometheus and leaning the chair backwards. "Which tooth is it?"

Prometheus held up the tooth, then gave Zeus a wide smile.

"I see," said Zeus, "well, it looks like we'll need to do an implant immediately. So we'll take an impression, give you some medicine to numb you, then we'll need to drill and put the implant in. Do you want laughing gas, too?"

"Yeah," said Prometheus.

"Excellent. This should be interesting when you're high."

Zeus and Helios got an impression from Prometheus and Zeus gave him the medicine while Helios made the false tooth.

"Excellent," Zeus said as he put the laughing gas mask over Prometheus' face. "You should be high very soon."

Five minutes later, Prometheus was asking where the Pink Panther lived, so Zeus knew he wouldn't remember anything. So Zeus and Helios began working. Zeus did dentist stuff and sent Prometheus on his way to do more fire things involving Epimetheus and murdering hammers.

"Be careful about eating," Zeus told his high patient. "I don't want to see your teeth ever again!"

 **MS. PSYCHE'S CLASSROOM AT MS. HECATE'S ACADEMY**

"Good morning, boys and girls," Ms. Psyche said cheerfully. "We have a special guest speaker today. Everyone, this is Mr. Prometheus, and he's going to tell us about fire safety. So let's put on our listening ears."

"Ms. Psyche?" Hebe said. "Can I go potty first?"

"Yes, dear. Of course you can," Ms. Psyche replied. She turned to her new assistant, Ms. Danae. "Ms. Danae, would you mind taking Hebe over to the bathroom?"

"Not at all," said Ms. Danae, leading Hebe by the hand and taking her into the bathroom.

"Okay, Mr. P," said Ms. Psyche. "The floor is yours."

Prometheus was REALLY, REALLY high. He was wearing a red fireman's hat and fireman attire. "Good evening, little chicks," he giggled. "I am Mr. Prometheus and I'm here to tell you all about weed! Kids, drugs are bad for you so don't do 'em or Zeus will kick your asses so hard that your grandkids' grandkids will feel it!"

Fructus raised his hand. "Mr. Prometheus, sir?"

"Whazzup, small child?"

"Uh…are you okay, sir?"

"I love you, man," Prometheus said, starting to sob.

Ms. Psyche jumped in. "Why don't we all show Mr. Prometheus here what the rules are for fires? Hebe, what do we do first?"

"We stand up and line up at the door. And we don't take anything with us!" Hebe said as Ms. Danae went back to the carpet with her.

"Very good," said Ms. Psyche.

"Actually," Prometheus said, "that's wrong. You eat the fire. YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY! NAMNAMNAM!"

"Let's practice a fire drill," said Ms. Danae quickly.

"Okay," said Prometheus, drooling all over the carpet next to Macaria, who accidentally put her hand in it. "I'm the king and what I say goes! QUCK, A FIRE! GET OUTSIDE BEFORE WE ALL DIE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ms. Psyche and Ms. Danae decided to play along. Fructus and Hebe wanted to take their blocks, but Ms. Psyche said no and ushered them outside.

"Good work, little children," said Prometheus. "Now who can tell me what a fire looks like?"

"Well," said Macaria, "we have lots of fires down in Hades where I live. They're orange and lellow and stuff."

"That's right. I'm a sexy Titan."

"Prometheus," said Ms. Hecate's voice over the intercom, "Mr. Prometheus, please report to the front office immediately."

"I gotta go, guys," said Prometheus. "But I'll swing by and play later. I'm not saying that in a perverted way like Hades, though. I like playing with you guys. You guys are my bestest friends, otay?" And he left for the front office.

When he got there, Zeus and Helios were standing there. Zeus held up a bottle of small pills. "Happy Christmas," he said. "Take one and go back to that rock where you shall spend the rest of your freaking life."

"O-okay," Prometheus giggled, swallowing the pill. Almost immediately, his eyes regained focus and his smile turned upside down into a frown. "Uh…I think I'm gonna…ya know…go back to my rock."

"Smart move, dude," said Helios.

 **How was that?**


	53. When I Was a Single Pervert

**HELLO, FANFICTION! ICY HAS RETURNED AFTER DOING PAPERS AND STUFF FOR SCHOOL…blah, blah, blah…**

 **Here's Psyche's chapter…my original idea! Of course, no preschool would have this going on, but this is mythology, so ANYTHING is possible!**

 **CHAPTER 53: WHEN I WAS A SINGLE PERVERT**

"Good morning, everyone!" Ms. Psyche said as her class and Ms. Danae headed to the carpet for circle time. "Did everyone have a nice weekend?"

"Yes!" everyone yelled.

"What did some of you do?" Ms. Psyche asked as she took attendance. "Yes, Fructus?"

"Well, we went to a farm and I got to pick out pumpkins with Mommy and Daddy! Daddy's was really fat, too," Fructus said cheerfully.

"What about you, Macaria?"

"Mommy and I grew flowers together in the Underworld…then Daddy stepped on them," Macaria said sadly.

"Hebe? What did you do last weekend?" Ms. Psyche asked.

"Well, Mommy and I had a Mommy-Daughter Day on Saturday," Hebe giggled. "We watcheded movies all day long and then we maded cookies…then my daddy ate them."

"Well, I hope the rest of you had great weekends," said Ms. Psyche. "Class, I have a special announcement, so let's put on our listening ears and let me see your eyes on me!"

Everyone put on their "listening ears" and looked up at Ms. Psyche.

"So," said Ms. Psyche, "how many of you have been to the dentist before?"

Half the class raised their hands.

"Well, tomorrow, I won't be in school because I have to get my teeth cleaned," said Ms. Psyche. "So you will be having a substitute teacher. Ms. Danae will be here, too. Yes, Macaria?"

"Will you be back after that?"

"Yes, Macaria. I'll come back on Wednesday," said Ms. Psyche. "Can you come up here and show me where Wednesday is on the calendar?"

Macaria walked up and pointed to the calendar.

"Very good, Macaria," said Ms. Psyche. "Anyway, please tell your mommies and daddies that I'll be gone tomorrow, but you should still come into school. I think you'll like your substitute teacher."

"Can't you tell us who it is?" asked Phobos.

"If I told you, I'd ruin the surprise, Phobos," said Ms. Psyche. "Now, let's do some crafts, shall we? Ms. Danae, will you please get out the crayons and colored pencils for me?"

"Sure thing, Ms. Psyche!" Ms. Danae said.

"And what's the rule about crafts, boys and girls?" Ms. Psyche questioned.

The class was quiet.

"Do we hit with the colored pencils?" asked Ms. Danae.

"No!"

"Do we eat the crayons?" asked Ms. Danae.

"No!"

"Excellent, boys and girls!" said Ms. Psyche. "Now, let's see whose turn it is to pick the song." She pulled out a name from the jar of Popsicle sticks on her right. "Deimos, you get to pick the song today, dear!"

 **LATER THAT NIGHT…**

Psyche climbed into bed with Eros, the god of romantic love and stuff.

"How was your day, honey?" Eros asked as he and Psyche cuddled.

"It was fun. All the kids made me get-well cards."

"They know you're not sick, right?"

"Yeah, but they're little gods, so it's cute."

"Who's the sub tomorrow, then?"

"I can't tell you either," Psyche replied. "All I'm going to tell you is that he's got some good stories for the kids…at least, that's what he told me." Psyche turned off the light and cuddled against Eros again. "How was _your_ day, honey?"

"It was great. It's fun going around and shooting people."

"What?"

"I meant _shooting_ as in _making people fall in love with each other_. Ares _actually_ shoots people. And when's your appointment tomorrow?"

"Ten-thirty," Psyche said. "You should make an appointment, too."

"But I'm the love god. I'm devilishly handsome."

"Eros…" Psyche warned.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, hon. I'll make an appointment after yours."

 **THE FOLLOWING MORNING…**

 **WITH HEBE AND HERA**

"Mommy? Can't I stay home from school today? Ms. Psyche's not coming today because she's going to get a checkup," Hebe said as Hera placed her in her car seat.

"Not today, honey," Hera replied. "Ms. Danae said she'll be there, though. And remember Ms. Psyche's surprise sub today?"

Hebe loved surprises. "Yes!" she squealed.

"Then let's go," Hera said.

 **WITH FRUCTUS AND TRIPTOLEMUS**

"Daddy, I suddenly came down with diarrhea," said Fructus. "Can I stay home today?"

"No," Triptolemus replied. "It's either you stay home and work in the fields with me or you go to school and get a good education in numbers and shapes. Which will it be?"

"I like the 'Happy Shapies Song,'" Fructus admitted.

"Good boy," said Triptolemus.

 **WITH PHOBOS, DEIMOS, AND ARES**

"GET THE HELL IN THE CAR, DAMMIT!" Ares yelled at his sons.

Phobos and Deimos hauled their warlike butts into the car and Ares began to drive.

"What do you punks wanna listen to today?" Ares barked from the front seat.

"Dad, can we listen to 'Kick Ur Ass?'" asked Phobos.

"No, Dad. Can we listen to 'Witches R Bitches?'" asked Deimos.

"No! Shut up!" Ares screamed. "We are going to listen to my favorite song, 'Pretty Red Flowers.'"

"Aw!" the gods yelled.

"Kidding," Ares said. "We'll be listening to 'Da-Boom!'"

 **AT MS. HECATE'S ACADEMY…**

"Good morning, everybody!" Ms. Danae said as she took attendance. "We have our substitute teacher with us today. This is Mr. Hades and he said he'll be telling everyone an inspiring story today. Who can tell me what _inspiring_ means? Yes, Fructus?"

"Where's Ms. Psyche?"

"She's at her checkup, sweetheart," said Ms. Danae. " _Inspiring_ means _it makes you feel so good that you want to do something about it_." She couldn't think of a better way to describe it to preschool-aged gods.

"Ms. Danae?" Hebe asked. "Last night, Daddy told me that I have to drink booze when I'm a big girl."

"Well, don't do that," said Ms. Danae. "Anyway, boys and girls, let's put on our listening ears and listen to Mr. Hades."

 **OLYMPUS MEDICAL CENTER**

Meanwhile, Psyche was sitting next to Eros in the waiting room. Both of them were looking over a magazine called _Livin' with Aphrodite and Why No One Enjoys Her Perfume 'Cause It's Nasty and It Sucks!_

"Are you nervous?" asked Eros.

"Not really," said Psyche. "I heard dentistry nowadays isn't what it used to be."

"NEXT!" barked a godly voice.

Psyche cringed as Ares walked out in a biker's jacket and a pair of black sneakers. He had a mask over his mouth and nose already. It looked like there were spit flecks on it because he screamed and yelled (and cried) so much.

"Psyche," said Eros. "I'll be right here, babe."

"Okay, hon."

Psyche kissed the handsome god of love and followed Ares inside.

All Psyche saw before Ares shoved her into the chair was the dentist had blonde hair and was incredibly thin.

"So," said Ares, sitting in the assistant's chair, "you've never had a cleaning before?"

"Of course I have," Psyche replied. "Six months ago."

"Dammit," Ares muttered, "I was hoping I could yell at you. Well, okay, Psyche. Dr. Sexypants will now examine you."

"Hi, Psyche," said Aphrodite, spinning around in her chair and wheeling it over to the dentist chair. "Are you ready for your cleaning?"

"Uh…" Psyche looked at Ares. "Just wondering: Who assigned her the job?"

"I did because I thought she'd behave," said Ares. "But we'll see how it goes 'cause I'm pretty sure she ain't a-gonna do that."

Aphrodite made the chair go backwards and began to look at Psyche's teeth. The goddess of love shook her head. Psyche didn't have anything wrong with her teeth, but Aphrodite was still a bit wary of her because she "stole my baby Eros from me" thingy.

Aphrodite got out the polisher and glanced at Psyche. "Do you wanna do this or should I do it?"

"Uh…Aphro," said Ares, "you have to do it because you're the dentist."

"I'm sorry!" Aphrodite put the polisher down and started crying.

 _Awkward_ , thought Psyche.

"I haven't had sex in ten minutes!" Aphrodite leaned over and began sobbing on Psyche.

Psyche, being a nice goddess, looked at Ares awkwardly. "Is this normal?"

"Yeah. I like to call sex her drug, so if she doesn't get it, she gets angry and starts crying. Like one time, she didn't have sex for five minutes and she broke a flowerpot over Demeter's head. Then we had to go to a beauty salon, where the lovely vapors calmed her down long enough to make her fall asleep. Then I realized we were in a spa that sprayed laughing gas everywhere and—"

"Got it," Psyche interrupted. "Can you finish this? Eros and I have a lunch date."

"Where are you going?" Aphrodite asked, lifting up her head. There was snot dripping onto Psyche's nice shirt (Aphrodite forgot to put the napkin on her).

"The Platinum Palace," Psyche replied.

"Oh, how wonderful," Aphrodite said, picking up the polisher again. "Can I use bubblegum 'cause it's my favorite flavor of toothpaste?"

"I'd prefer plain mint," Psyche replied.

"Since you have no say in this, _I_ will choose," Aphrodite snapped. "Ares lets me make decisions now."

The appointment went fine from there. Psyche got fluoride, Eros came into the room to scold his mother for being a bitch to his wife, and they all went out to lunch together. Happy ending? No, mortals! **IT WAS** _ **NOT**_ **A HAPPY ENDING!**

 **MS. HECATE'S ACADEMY**

"Good morning, children," Mr. Hades said.

"My mommy wanted me to tell you, if I ever saw you again, that she and Daddy hate you," Fructus said, raising his hand.

"Shut up, Fruitface!" Mr. Hades barked. "Your mommy's a bitch and she knows it, too. Which brings me to my story today." He glanced at the children. "Now, you will all listen to this story because it has sex in it…which you all should know about."

Ms. Danae (who was sitting in the corner of the room because Mr. Hades tied her up), shook her head. "Mr. Hades, these are preschoolers."

"So? They'll have to learn eventually." Mr. Hades turned back to the class. "Now I could tell you with just me up here, but I think it'd be more fun if we acted it out and I'm the narrator. Sound like a plan?"

"Hebe," said Fructus, "I think he wants us to put on a play for the class."

"Yeah," said Hebe. "I think so, too. I wanna be the queen because Mommy says when I'm a big girl I gets to be the queen."

"SILENCE!" Mr. Hades yelled. "Okay, I need Macaria, Phobos, Fruitface, and Hebe."

The kids got up.

"Once upon a time," said Mr. Hades, "there was a dashing young god called Hades, who was madly in love with Macaria—uh, I mean—a goddess called Persephone. The problem was that Persephone's mother, Demeter, wouldn't allow Persephone to marry Hades."

Phobos stood in front of Macaria, who looked at him. He _was_ kinda handsome.

"Hebe—I mean—Demeter left Persephone to play in the damn fields one day and then Hades grabbed her."

"Did they do it?" asked Deimos.

"Wha—yes, of course they did. Most myths have sex in them, child," said Mr. Hades irritably. "Now, I shall continue."

Phobos grabbed Macaria and dragged her down to the floor. Then he took off his shirt.

"Too much, Phobos," said Mr. Hades. "I don't want to get _that_ gross."

"Mr. Hades?" asked Fructus. "What was your life like before you did it with my sister?"

"Well, Fruitface, when I was a single pervert, I would stalk her night and day. I'd watch her eat dinner with your annoying-as-hell mother, I would watch her get her jammies on, AND I would watch her sleep. _That_ was fun! At any rate, then Demeter found out Persephone had been kidnapped or whatnot, so she went to see Hecate, who helped her search for nine days and nights. Now Demeter was—and still is—a nasty woman now because she was tired and hungry and smelly. She ended up in a town called Eleusis—"

"That's where my daddy's from," Fructus giggled.

"Fruitface, you say another word and I'll cut your right butt cheek off. Can you imagine life with only one butt cheek?" Mr. Hades demanded.

"Daddy will make me all better," Fructus declared. "Right, Ms. Danae?"

"Of course he will," Ms. Danae replied.

"Yes, yes, of course he will," said Mr. Hades. "So Demeter met the local prince, whose name was Triptolemus—what, Hebe?!"

"I call him _Uncle Trip_ ," Hebe replied.

"SHUT…UP!" yelled Mr. Hades. "Triptolemus told Demeter to go to Helios and she did. Then she went to Zeus. And _then_ Demeter unleashed a famine on the world."

Hebe walked around, waving her hands. She accidentally slapped Mr. Hades. "Oh, sorry, Mr. Hades."

"It's all right, dear," said Mr. Hades sadly. "Persephone hits me at home all the time. Right, Macaria?"

"Yeah, Daddy. But I think it's funny so that's why I tell her you didn't do the dishes like she told you to!"

"Then Hades was forced to give up Persephone for nine months out of the year, which pissed him off," Mr. Hades concluded. "Are there any questions before we go play outside? Yes, Fruitface?"

"Did you guys get married?" asked Fructus.

"Yes. We did. And we lived happily ever after blah, blah, blah," said Mr. Hades. "Now get your butts outside before I tell you a better story than that!"

 **WHEN EVERYONE GOT HOME…**

 **HERA'S PALACE**

"So, Hebe, tell Mommy what you learned at school today," Hera said.

"Well, we had Mr. Hades for a teacher and he told us the story about Persephone. And I played Demeter and Fructus was Trip and we got married!"

"Oh, that's nice," Hera said as she placed a bowl of pasta in front of her daughter.

"What else did you do, Hebe?" asked Zeus.

"Mr. Hades chased me and Fructus all around the playground and Fructus fell down and scratched his face. Then Mr. Hades laughed at him and said he hated Aunt Demeter and Uncle Trippy. I don't know why, though."

"Well, honey, you know how you don't get along with some people?" Hera said.

Hebe nodded.

"Well, Demeter, Trip, and Hades don't really get along either."

Hebe shrugged.

 **DEMETER'S PALACE**

Fructus was helping Demeter make Halloween cookies.

"Mommy, we had Mr. Hades as a teacher today."

Demeter dropped a lump of dough on the floor. She picked it up and threw it away. "And how was that, honey?"

"He laughed at me because I fell down," Fructus said. "And he called me _Fruitface_ all day long, and he tied up Ms. Danae and threated to eat her soul. Then he made us act out the Persephone story and Hebe and I got married."

Demeter looked at Triptolemus. "Trippy, honey, can you get me some bandages? Fructus, why didn't you go to the nurse?"

"We don't have one, Mommy."

"Well, why didn't you go see Ms. Hecate?"

"Because Mr. Hades told me to suck it up like a man."

"Well, honey, how about this weekend we go shopping for a Halloween costume? Do you wanna be a farmer this year and dress up like Daddy?" Demeter suggested as she put some bandages on Fructus' scraped arms.

"Yes, Mommy."

"Okay, now go upstairs and take your bath now."

 **I have written the longest chapter of this story ever! YAY! AND IT ONLY TOOK ME THREE DAYS TO DO IT!**

 **NEWSFLASH: Still looking for ideas! I've got a running "outline" of everything you've given me, guys, so if you want me to do minor heroes (Achilles, Odysseus, those guys), let me know. Minor characters…ANYONE IS GOOD FOR THIS STORY! Let's see if I can make it longer than my fairy tale FanFic, because that'll be awesome.**

 **I'm on the road to finishing up "Demigod College", too, so I should have a chapter up within the next week.**

 **Please review and leave ideas in either a review or a PM! You shall get credit and I'll try my best to go with your ideas the best I can!**


	54. Dr Fisher and Dr King

**Hey, guys, I'm back with more drunk PJO/HOO characters!**

 **I had some free time today, so I came up with a whole list of people, including some of the "preschoolers" from Ms. Psyche's class and mortals…so, yeah…let me know if you want me to do another specific god/mortal/monster. SHOULD I DO MEDUSA? HEROES? DEAD** **KINGS** **?** **LET ME KNOW!**

 **CHAPTER 54: DR. FISHER AND DR. KING**

Sally Jackson was in the bathroom brushing her teeth. She was running a little late for her dentist appointment, so she was in a hurry.

She spat in the sink, grabbed her purse, and headed to Percy's room. As she expected, Percy and Annabeth were snuggling on Percy's bed, their arms wrapped around each other, watching a movie.

"Uh…I'm going for my cleaning," said Sally. "Don't burn down the apartment, Percy."

"Uh-huh," Percy said. "On the way home, can you pick me up some pizza?"

"No, honey. You've been eating poorly lately, so you can have some salad for dinner tonight."

"MOM!" Percy moaned.

Sally winked at her son. "All right. I guess you can get some pizza tonight."

Sally sat in the waiting room. There were no other patients there, which seemed weird. Then again, this was a new dentist she was going to, so she wasn't sure what to expect.

A very handsome man came out of the door that led to the exam rooms. "Sally?" he called in a deep voice that made Sally cringe.

The guy had a dark beard and short hair. He was tall and muscular. He wore a white lab coat over a pinstriped suit.

"Yes?" Sally asked, looking at him in the eyes. They were so blue she sort of lost herself in them.

"Come with me. It's time for your cleaning."

As they were heading back to the exam rooms, the guy looked at the secretary. "Honey, you can go home now. There are no more appointments today. Sally's the last one."

"But, Dr. King," the secretary, Alicia, said, "there are three more patients that need to see the dentist this afternoon."

Dr. King snapped his fingers and Alicia's eyes glazed over. "Go home, sweetheart."

Alicia nodded, grabbed her things, and headed out the door.

"Uh…" said Sally nervously, "did you just snap your fingers for affect, or did you do that to make something disappear?"

"I did it because I'm also a part-time magician," Dr. King replied, heading into the last room in the hallway. "Okay, so I'm Dr. King and I'll be assisting Dr. Fisher today. He's running late because he's busy doing stuff with his wife at his palace—uh, I mean—his house on the beach."

"But we're nowhere near a beach," Sally retorted as Dr. King put a green napkin on her.

"Yeah, I know that," Dr. King replied. "He drives a really fast car. Look, honey, all you need to know is that Dr. Fisher lives near the beach, drives a really fast car, and he's knocking up his wife. The end."

Dr. King's cell phone rang and he looked at it. "Okay, he just texted me and he's here now."

Another handsome man walked into the room. He wore a white lab coat, had a beard, and was carrying a tray of dental tools. Unlike Dr. King, Dr. Fisher had black hair and green eyes…which Sally thought was _incredibly_ handsome.

"Hello, Sally," the man said. "Nice to see you. I'm Dr. Fisher. Are you ready for your cleaning?"

"Yes," Sally replied nervously.

"Very good," said Dr. Fisher.

"I told her all about you knocking up your wife before you came over here," said Dr. King.

"You said you would keep that a secret!" Dr. Fisher said, putting a mask on and throwing one at Dr. King.

As the two doctors were snapping their gloves on, Dr. King chuckled. "No, no. Did I swear upon the River Styx? No, I didn't. So it's not binding!"

"Dude, stop yelling," Dr. Fisher scolded.

"Wait," said Sally as she was going back in the chair, " _River Styx_?"

Dr. Fisher pulled his mask down. "It's me, Sally." He smiled widely at her.

"P-Poseidon?" Sally asked in awe.

"Yes," Poseidon replied.

Sally stared at Dr. King. "So you're…"

"The almighty Zeus," Zeus said.

All of a sudden, a woman came into the room. "Zeus! THERE you are! I asked you to watch Hebe so she doesn't get into the cookies! So I find you missing and she's sitting on the floor with chocolate on her face! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"

"Poseidon needed my help," said Zeus flatly to Hera as she sat in a chair in the corner. "So I'm helping him. Now, you can stay, but we shall be operating quite soon."

"Her chart says she's only here for a cleaning," said Hera.

"Stop breathing down my neck," said Zeus. "It's creepy and I hate it."

"What's creepy?"

Another guy walked into the room, wearing nothing but black attire. He looked to be in the middle of an argument with the woman who'd walked in behind him.

"You," Zeus replied. "You're a creepy stalker."

"He knows," the woman snapped. "He kidnapped my daughter and now they're having marital problems every time he cheats on her."

"Oh, honey, that's us," Hera squealed. "You could learn something from Hades and Persephone's marriage."

"SHUT UP, HERA!" screamed Zeus, making Sally jump.

"Children," said Poseidon, " _please_."

"Yeah, Hera," said Zeus, " _please_."

"I was talking to you, too, Zeusy," said Poseidon. "Sally, these are my siblings…whom I hate most of the time. I only like Hestia. But who _doesn't_ like Hestia?"

As if she were listening in, Hestia walked into the room. "Hello," she said timidly.

Demeter, who was in a green pair of scrubs, looked at Sally. "Zeus said we get to help today. That's why we're all here. Plus, Mother Rhea wanted us to spend family time together. So that means I have to stare at this loser all day." She glared pointedly at Hades.

"Where's your bastard in crime?" Hades demanded.

"He's at home with Fructus playing I Love Wheat," Demeter replied. "And he had really bad heartburn last night so I forbid him from working this morning anyway."

"Doesn't Fruitsnack have preschool?"

"It's an institute day," snapped Demeter.

"Yes, that's why I asked Zeus here to watch Hebe while I did the dishes."

"Can we settle this like mature adults?" asked Hestia.

"Zeus doesn't know what _mature_ means," snapped Hera.

Sally cleared her throat. "Uh…are you guys going to clean my teeth or can I go home?"

"Yeah, guys, you're scaring my ex-girlfriend," said Poseidon. "First we need to—"

"First," said Demeter, "we need to ask her some health questions." She pushed Zeus out of his chair and Zeus fell on the floor with a thud.

Demeter picked up the clipboard and looked at Hades. "His name is _Fructus_ , Hades. Get your nephew's name right."

"Oh, I forgot he's related to me…just like you," Hades said sadly.

Demeter glanced at the clipboard. "Hi, Sally. I'm Demeter, goddess of—"

"BITCHES!" yelled Hades.

"—agriculture," Demeter finished, gritting her teeth. "Before Poseidon cleans your teeth, I need to ask you some medical questions. Did you happen to eat cereal for breakfast this morning?"

"No," said Sally.

"That's enough, Demeter," said Zeus, pulling his mask on again. "I have to do assistant stuff."

Poseidon was polishing Sally's teeth when Zeus asked a pressing question. "Just wondering," he said, "you guys gonna make out and can I watch?"

Poseidon shrugged. "I dunno." He looked at Sally. "Maybe…"

"You know," said Hera, "this is why we're having anger issues, Zeus. Why don't you want to kiss _me_?"

"Because, honey. All you do is play house with Hebe and it makes me sick every time she picks a family game and you two try to get me involved."

"When Fructus wants to play a game, we all go outside for vitamin D. Vitamin D's good for you…HADES!" Demeter snapped.

"Sally, get out of the chair," said Poseidon. "Your cleaning's finished, but there's still one part of the appointment we're missing before I let you go."

Sally got out of the chair and Poseidon climbed in. He glanced at Sally. "Okay, honey. Come to the man you love!"

Paul Blofis immediately went out of Sally's mind and she and Poseidon started making out in front of everybody.

"This," said Zeus happily, "is the best day of my life!"

"Poseidon," Hera said, "please set an example for my ass of a husband."

"You can't tell me what to do," said Poseidon.

Hera glared at the two gods and stomped out the door to Olympus. Demeter and Hades disappeared in a shadow with grain swirling around it. And poor Hestia had to watch the rest of the make-out session.

"So," said Poseidon, "wanna go for a walk in the park, Sally?"

"Sure, Poseidon."

"Zeusy, clean this mess up!" Poseidon said.

Zeus and Hestia stared at each other, until Zeus finally said, "You know, you're lucky you're not married."

 **Yeah, I know it was random as Hades, but I like that kind of thing.**


	55. The String on the Door

**Here's Fructus again! This is a get-ready-for-Halloween type of chapter, so all you fans of Halloween should be getting in the spirit as you read this…kinda…**

 **Should I do an actual Halloween chapter involving someone getting teeth pulled on Halloween?**

 **Oh, now I know how to spell MAKARIA'S NAME!**

 **CHAPTER 55: THE STRING ON THE DOOR**

Ms. Psyche and Ms. Danae were sitting in their classroom doing paperwork. Their class was fast asleep on their cots. Little Hebe was curled into a ball, sucking her thumb and smiling. Little Makaria was sleeping on her tummy with drool coming out onto the pillow. And little Fructus was talking in his sleep about wheat and spices.

Phobos walked over to Ms. Danae. "Ms. Danae? My tummy hurts," he said, clutching his stomach.

"Well, let's go see Ms. Hecate," Ms. Danae said, taking Phobos down to Ms. Hecate's office.

Ms. Hecate was sitting at her computer, but she stood up immediately when she saw the teacher and student. "Hi, you two," said Ms. Hecate. "How can I help you?"

"Phobos isn't feeling very well," said Ms. Danae. "Can you call Ares so he can pick him up?"

"Well, we have a new nurse on staff today," said Ms. Hecate. "Her name is Ms. Hestia. She said Zeus told her to get a life, so now she's here."

Ms. Danae took Phobos down the hall to Ms. Hestia's office, where Ms. Hestia was typing on the computer.

"Hi, Phobos," said Ms. Hestia. "What's the matter?"

"My tummy hurts," said Phobos, sitting on the chair next to Ms. Hestia's desk.

"Well, I'll take care of it from here, Ms. Danae," said Ms. Hestia.

When Ms. Danae came back into the classroom, Ms. Psyche was about to put the paperwork away and wake the kids up.

"I'll put those back, Psyche," said Ms. Danae. "You wake them up."

Ms. Psyche smiled cheerfully and went to the CD player and put on the "Wakeup Song". "Boys and girls, time to wake up now," she cooed softly.

Hebe and Fructus sat up and rubbed their eyes. But when Fructus yawned, he noticed something wasn't quite right. His tooth was a little loose.

Fructus had heard stories from Hermes and Apollo that your teeth fall out when you're little, and he didn't want that to happen, or else he'd get a yelling-at by Demeter and Trip.

"What's wrong, Fructus?" asked Hebe as she got up and put her cot away.

"I think my tooth is loose," said Fructus. "Mommy's gonna kill me."

"But she can't 'cause you're a god," said Hebe. "Sometimes, Daddy yells at me, too, but then Mommy hits him and I gets to watch. It's really funny."

"Boys and girls," said Ms. Psyche, "let's do our Halloween crafts! Come over to the craft table over here!"

Since Ms. Psyche's class had, like, five kids in it, they could all fit at one table. Ms. Danae passed out some orange paper and some markers and the kids began drawing scary pictures.

"Oh, Deimos," said Ms. Danae, "that's a very nice drawing of a ghost!"

"Fructus," said Hebe, "just don't tell your mommy and daddy. They don't gotta know, right?"

Fructus nodded. "But Mommy says I can tell her anything and she'll still love me."

"Boys and girls," Ms. Danae said, "we need to finish these up today, okay? Your parents will be here really soon."

Forty-five minutes later, the gods came to get their kids. Hebe and Fructus were playing Castle, and Fructus didn't like the fact that he couldn't be the king while Hebe was the queen.

"Okay, everyone," said Ms. Psyche, "remember, no school tomorrow because—what day is it, Fructus?"

"Saturday!"

"Good work, Fructus! Tomorrow is Saturday, so go outside and play in the leaves!"

 **WITH HERA AND HEBE**

"Mommy? Fructus gots a loose tooth. Do you think Aunt Dem will be mad at him?"

"Of course not, Hebe. That's supposed to happen. That just means Fructus is getting his big-boy teeth soon," Hera replied. "Speaking of teeth, how's your tooth coming along? Have you been wiggling it?"

Hebe pushed on her loose tooth with her tongue. "Yep. But Ares says you bleed when it comes out."

"If you bleed when it comes out, it won't be that much," Hera replied, pulling into McDonald's. "Now, how about some dinner and we can watch 'Cinderella' when we get home?"

 **WITH FRUCTUS AND FRUCTUS' MOMMY AND DADDY**

Everyone was sitting at the dinner table. All was calm…until Trip ruined it by humming "Home on the Range".

"Daddy? Can you _not_ sing that right now?" Fructus asked.

"Why not?" Trip snapped.

"Because I have something important to tell you guys." Fructus took a deep breath. "Mommy? Daddy? I—"

"Fructus," Demeter warned, "if this is about doing drugs at your age, I will have to run over you with the plow."

"No, Mommy. I don't do drugs. I heard Ares does drugs, though. I have a loose tooth."

"Oh, you're getting to be such a big boy," Demeter said, hugging her son and smiling.

"All right!" Triptolemus yelled. "This is fabulous!"

"But it won't come out," said Fructus. "I keep wiggling it and it won't come out."

"Honey, it might take a little while," said Demeter.

The next day was Saturday. It was cool and breezy outside, and Fructus and his parents were going to meet Hebe, Hera, and Zeus at the pumpkin patch for a "family day", as Hera called it.

But something needed to be done first.

Fructus woke up that morning to find—sadly—that his tooth was still there. He'd eventually complained to Demeter so many times, that she made an emergency appointment with the dentist to get it pulled.

Fructus, Demeter, and Triptolemus all sat in the waiting area. Fructus watched a bit of "Dragon Tales" for a while until the dentist called him back.

Fructus, Demeter, and Trip were not happy about Aphrodite being there. Aphrodite was in a white lab coat and she had an assortment of makeup on her face that made Fructus sick to his stomach.

"Hi, Fruitsies," said Aphrodite.

"Fructus," Fructus corrected.

"Same thing," Aphrodite snapped. "What's wrong with you?"

"I have a loose tooth that won't come out," said Fructus.

"Yeah, okay," said Aphrodite. "So, like, what do you wanna do about it?"

"You're going to pull it so he stops complaining," said Demeter bitterly.

"Ugh," Aphrodite snapped. "FINE! But I'd like to do it the old-fashioned way!"

Aphrodite took a long piece of floss from a container in a drawer. She wrapped one end around the handle of the drawer, then tied the other one to Fructus' tooth. Then she made sure everything was tight enough. "Ready, Fruitsies?" she giggled.

"Uh-huh," Fructus replied.

Aphrodite slammed the drawer shut. Fructus' tooth came out, with a few drops of ichor. Once Fructus felt the spot where his tooth used to be, he turned to his mother. "Mommy, that hurt."

"It'll feel better in a bit," said Demeter. "At least Uncle Hades didn't do it."

"All done," said Aphrodite, handing the tooth to Fructus. "Now you can put it under the pillow for Denta."

"Who's that?" Fructus said.

"She's the goddess of teeth," said Aphrodite. "Mortals sometimes refer to her as the Tooth Fairy."

Fructus and his parents met Hebe and her family at the pumpkin patch, where Fructus showed off his new smile.

"Wow," said Hebe. "Mommy pulled mine out this morning, too. Well, actually, Daddy did it because Mommy doesn't like seeing me hurt."

"How'd he do it?" Fructus wondered aloud.

"He tied a string to it and slammed the door," said Hebe. "Ms. Psyche said that if we lose teeth we gets to put our names on a tooth picture and stick it to our cubbies."

"Who wants to pick out a big pumpkin?" Hera asked.

"Me! Me!" Zeus yelled, jumping up and down and holding his hand in the air.

Hera slapped him. "Hebe, do you want to walk with Fructus and pick out a big pumpkin?"

"Yes, Mommy."

So Hebe and Fructus began to walk towards the pumpkin patch.

 **Should I do another Halloween one?**


	56. Trick-or-Treat Part I

**Hello, FanFictioners! Icy here with yet another Halloween FanFiction chapter thingy!**

 **Credit goes to whomever suggested the Halloween ideas. Their names are SuzuBells, Girl Poseidon, AutumnLeaves03, and DaughterofNarnia. Thanks for the idea, everybody!**

 **Cute romance between Fruitface and Hebe in this one!**

 **This is a two-part deal here 'cause there are lots of details in this one.**

 **And, without further ado, let us—once again—go to Ms. Psyche's classroom to see what our favorite little gods are doing…or maybe a little bit before. I'm not going off this year because this year's Halloween is on Saturday. So let's pretend Halloween falls on a Friday.**

 **CHAPTER 56: TRICK-OR-TREAT PART I**

Hebe was fast asleep in her loft when the door flew open and someone crept inside. _Creep, creep, creep_ , it went. Suddenly, a loud breathing noise startled Hebe awake. "Who's there?" she asked.

"It's me," said a creepy voice Hebe didn't recognize. "I vant so suck your ichor, little goddess of youth!"

A large hand grabbed Hebe's legs and she screamed.

Hera came running into the room with a baseball bat. "Hebe? Are you okay?"

"Mommy! Some pervert's trying to suck my ichor!" Hebe sobbed.

Hera stared at the "vampire" at the foot of Hebe's bed. "Hmm…" She turned on the light to reveal Zeus, dressed in black and red, with fake ichor dripping down his chin. "It's okay, Hebe. It's just Daddy being a jerk like he always is."

But Hebe didn't think it was funny. She climbed down from her loft bed and kicked Zeus in the groin. Zeus fell to the floor and winced in pain. "Wow, honey," he said, his voice nine octaves higher than normal, "you kick good." And he crawled back to his room.

Hera and Hebe started giggling quietly and headed downstairs. Ares was sitting at the table, doing his homework for War School.

"What's your assignment?" asked Hera.

"I have to write a poem about war," said Ares. "Listen to this:

 _When I go off to war,_

 _I shall not be a witch._

 _That's my mother's job_

' _Cause she'll always be a bitch_."

Hera threw Ares into the pool and locked him out. "What's for breakfast, Hebe?"

Meanwhile, in the palace across the street, Fructus was suffering the "trick-or-treat lecture", the lecture he got once a year about how horrible candy is for you and stuff.

Demeter was nagging her son while she made the family some whole-wheat toast with fresh jam. "Now, when you come home, I'll do a thorough check-through of your pillow case to make sure no one's trying to kill you," she was saying, spreading jam on a piece of toast and handing it to Fructus.

"Mommy? Can I go by myself tonight?"

"No," Demeter snapped. "I don't want stalkers like Hades abducting you and making you Prince of the Underworld. Now eat quickly, honey! We have to be at school in forty-two minutes and thirty-nine seconds!"

Down in Hades, Persephone was doing Makaria's hair for the Halloween parade at preschool. Makaria was going as an evil princess.

"Are you ready to play at school, honey?" Persephone asked as she put Makaria's hair in pigtails.

"Yes," Makaria said happily. "Ms. Psyche and Ms. Danae are the bestest teachers ever!"

Persephone smiled, which Makaria saw as she looked in the mirror.

When everyone arrived at preschool, Ms. Psyche called everyone over to the carpet for circle time.

"My gods," said Ms. Danae, "you all have wonderful costumes on!" Ms. Danae was dressed as a ladybug, and Ms. Psyche was dressed as a pink flower.

"Who wants to tell the class what they're wearing today for the parade?" Ms. Psyche asked.

Hebe raised her hand. "I'm going as an evil doctor, and you all better be nice about it or I'll have to do an operation on you."

"Oh, my," said Ms. Danae, "that's a wonderful costume, Hebe."

"Thanks, I know. Mommy helpeded me pick it out last night. And I operated on my daddy. Daddy had a tummy ache last night so I punched him and he ran away crying for my Grandma Rhea. And Mommy called him a drama king."

"Fructus, what's your costume?" asked Ms. Psyche.

Fructus stood up. "I'm a strawbrerry," he replied.

"I think it's _strawberry_ , sweetheart," said Ms. Psyche. "Where'd you get your costume?"

"My mommy dragged me to Target last night." Fructus hated speaking in circle time because he couldn't get his fruits and colors right.

"Well, it's lovely," said Ms. Psyche. "Phobos and Deimos, who are you?"

"I'm mustard," said Phobos.

"And I'm ketchup," said Deimos.

"I see," said Ms. Psyche. "Makaria? Tell me about _your_ costume."

"I'm an evil princess from the Underworld," Makaria giggled.

"How lovely," said Ms. Psyche. "Okay, everyone. Stand up!"

They all sang "Halloween in Hades", "A Not-So-Scary Halloween", and finally "My Uncle Hades, the Creepy Pervert".

"Who's ready to play outside?" asked Ms. Psyche.

Once everyone was outside, Hebe and Fructus took over the playset while Makaria, Phobos, and Deimos headed off to the tire swing.

"Hebe? We should do something together," said Fructus.

"Yeah. Like I could operate on you and you scream for help, and I turn into a nice doctor and kiss you?"

"Uh…no. Do you…uh…wanna go see a movie?" Fructus stammered.

"Now?"

"No. We can't leave school," said Fructus. "Like…on Sunday? 'Two Happy Gods' comes out and I've been dying to see it!"

"Sure. Mommy always says yes to me!"

"Hey, guys," said Phobos, coming up the steps with Deimos at his heels. "Can I hang with you?"

As everyone probably knows, gods that are Hebe's and Fructus' ages have a problem with sharing…especially territories. So naturally, Hebe looked at Phobos angrily.

"No," she said and pushed him down the slide.

Phobos plunged head-first down the slide and ended up in the woodchips.

Ms. Psyche and Ms. Danae were chatting on a nearby bench when Phobos came crying to them.

"What happened, sweetie-pie?" asked Ms. Psyche.

"Hebe pushed me!" Phobos yelled, pointing to Hebe.

"This playset is Fructus' and mine!" Hebe screamed. "Phobos gots the swings!"

"Hebe, could you come here, please?" called Ms. Danae.

Hebe slid down the slide and walked over to Ms. Danae, who knelt down in front of Hebe and looked at her right in the face. "Hebe, tell me: was that a nice thing to do?"

"No," Hebe replied sheepishly.

"What's the rule about pushing people?" asked Ms. Danae.

"It's not nice because someone could get hurt," said Hebe.

"Good girl," said Ms. Danae. "Now I want you to say you're sorry to Phobos and go sit on the steps over there for a time-out."

After Hebe apologized to Phobos, she ran crying to the steps and sat on them until Ms. Danae said she could play with the kids again.

"Guys! It's naptime," called Ms. Psyche. "Let's go inside and sleep now!"

The kids got out their cots and spread them across the floor. Hebe and Makaria slept in one corner, while Fructus and the boys got another corner. In no time, everyone was sleeping.

When three hit, Ms. Psyche walked around and woke everybody up. "Time for the parade," she said calmly. "Let's go outside and see if our mommies and daddies are here yet."

When the kids walked outside, all of their parents were there. Demeter and Triptolemus were eating cereal bars (and forcing Hades to eat one, too), Hera and Zeus were yelling Greek swear words at each other, and Hades and Persephone were just awkwardly standing there…with Ares in between them.

Ms. Psyche put on "Halloween in Hades" and the kids began to parade around their parents. Hebe kept going up to Hades and yelling in his face, "I'm gonna harvest your organs!"

"Oh, look at my wittle strawberry!" Demeter cooed as she pinched Fructus' cheeks.

Makaria, Phobos, and Deimos didn't say anything to their parents, so they just headed inside, where the parade continued and the class had their Halloween party.

To Fructus' dismay, there was fruit salad, so Demeter shoved an entire strawberry in his mouth and told him the chew it before she said no to trick-or-treating.

"Where are you going trick-or-treating?" Makaria asked Phobos.

"Daddy says we get to go to his temple and take all the candy we want," Phobos replied.

"We gets to go to peoples' palaces," said Hebe.

Later that night, Hebe and Hera walked over to Fructus' house. Demeter was busy nagging him again about his candy. Triptolemus was sitting at the kitchen table, trying not to laugh. Persephone and Makaria were on the couch together. Persephone was playing Tickle Monster and Makaria was squealing with delight.

"Zeus will be here in a minute to take them," said Hera.

Zeus showed up with pillow case. "Hebe, you forgot this," he said, taking his daughter's hand. He was still dressed in his vampire costume. "Let's get this over with. There are much more important things than taking children trick-or-treating."

"Children, ignore Uncle Zeus. He's a cheater-pants," said Hera.

"Children, Hera sucks," said Zeus, smirking. "Let's go!"

First they went to Athena's house. Athena was outside, dressed in a long cape with an owl sitting on her shoulder. "Hello, children! Welcome to Athena's House of Wisdom! On the backs of your candy, you'll find fun facts about the gods. See? Trick-or-treating is fun _and_ educational!"

"Daddy? Can you read this?" asked Hebe.

"Yeah," said Zeus. " _Ares' butt has ten zits on it. He has had those zits for the past five thousand years_. Good to know, Athena. Good to know."

"Uncle Zeusy? Can you read mine, too?" Fructus asked.

"Fine," Zeus sighed. " _Demeter wears flower-patterned bras to work every day because she thinks Triptolemus likes them_. That's weird. Next?"

Makaria handed hers over.

" _Hades once got so drunk that he married Charon. Charon still doesn't know this_. These are a bunch of dumb facts," he ranted.

"Uncle Zeusy?"

"What, Fruitcake?"

"Uh…can I eat that?"

Zeus handed the candy to Fructus, who shoved it into his mouth, getting chocolate all over his face. "Yummy!"

"Good for you, kid," said Zeus. "Hey, guys, you're big kids, right?"

"Daddy! We're little gods!" Hebe yelled.

"Well, now's your chance to be big gods," said Zeus. "Mommy's at Aunt Dem's house so I'm going to head home and drink. Try to be back by midnight or we'll have to come find you." And Zeus ran off.

As the three of them headed to Apollo's house, Fructus looked at the girls. "Guys, my daddy said that the Cavity Monster will eat us."

"Your daddy's an idiot. There's no such thing," said Makaria. "Mommy says if I stay out here too late, a bunch of werewolves will feast on my butt."

"My mommy told me that Ms. Psyche's actually Aphrodite and disguise," said Hebe. "And she eats little gods like us."

"RRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRR!" someone screamed, popping out of a bush.

 **End of Part I. Yeah, Halloween brings back memories, doesn't it?**


	57. Trick-or-Treat Part II

**I am back! Credit goes to SuzuBells and DaughterofNarnia for their awesome ideas! Gimme more! Do you guys like the preschoolers? Don't worry, I haven't forgotten the other gods yet…but once I get ideas or have my own, I need to write them in the chapter so I won't forget later…even if it** _ **is**_ **in my outline.**

 **CHAPTER 57: TRICK-OR-TREAT PART II**

"RRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" screamed the person who'd jumped out at them.

The girls hid behind Fructus.

"Who's there?" Fructus demanded.

"Ha-ha!" the person laughed. "It's me, Apollo!"

Apollo stepped out of the bushes, dressed in a monkey suit. "I'm looking for Hermes. He's dressed as a banana. Why aren't you guys with your parents?"

"Because Uncle Zeusy ditched us," said Fructus. "We're heading over to Mount Othrys to visit Grandma Rhea and Cousin Leto."

Apollo paled. "Ooh…" He inhaled sharply through his mouth. "Yeah…bad idea, dude. Kronos lives there, and you know what he does to kids like you on Halloween?"

"What?" Hebe asked hesitantly. "What does Kronos do?"

"Well, first, he invites you into his house…" Apollo began.

"Go on…" Makaria replied.

"Then he makes you a nice stew…"

"Yes?" Hebe replied.

"And then…HE EATS YOUR SPLEEN AND OTHER INTERNAL ORGANS! MWAHAHA!"

"Wait…" Fructus said slowly, "what does the spleen do?"

"How the hell should I know _that_? What? You think I'm a doctor or something?"

"You're the god of medicine!" Makaria screamed.

"Gotta go!" And Apollo ran off.

"Guys," said Fructus, "I think he was kidding with us. C'mon. Let's go get candy from Rhea and Leto."

When they got to Rhea's house, Rhea and Leto were sitting outside drinking wine.

"Oh, hello," said Rhea sweetly. "How nice to see you kids! Happy Halloween! Who wants candy?"

"Me, Grandma Rhea!" they all yelled in unison.

"Excellent!"

Rhea gave them each ten pieces of candy (because grandma Titans tend to spoil the crap out of their godly grandkids).

"Grandma Rhea?" Makaria said.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Can we eat them now?"

"I don't see why not," Rhea replied. "What do _you_ think, Leto?"

"That sounds fine with me," said Leto happily. "Bye, kids!"

When they got back to Hera's house, Zeus jumped out at them from behind a really tall bush. "Happy Halloween, small children!" he cackled. "I'm the Vampire King!"

"Daddy, where's Mommy?" asked Hebe.

"She's making dinner, honey. Did you eat any candy?"

"Yes," Makaria admitted, "but not a lot. It's hard to unwrap candy and walk at the same time."

Hera, Demeter, Trip, Hades, and Persephone were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking apple cider. A pot was bubbling on the stove, so the kids immediately thought it was some kind of goddess brew or something.

"Mommy! We're here!" said Hebe.

"Well, look at you, Dr. Hebe," Hera chuckled.

"Fructus, what's on your face?" Demeter asked her son.

"There's my girl!" Persephone squeaked.

"Now, before anyone eats any candy," said Demeter seriously, "I want all of you to dump out your pillow cases so we can inspect them."

"Demeter," said Hades, "lighten up. It's Halloween."

"Shut up, Hades," Demeter snapped. "You are just as dumb as Poseidon and Zeus are."

"If you EVER say that again, I'll throw you in my closet amongst all my other hot girlfriend I've tied up," said Zeus. "Uh…perhaps I've said too much."

"Hebe, why don't you kids go in the living room and I'll bring you three dinner," Hera suggested.

Hebe and her classmates ended up going upstairs into Hebe's room to watch a movie. They were just about to watch "The Scarecrow and the Steak Knife" when Hera walked into the room. "Oh, my!" she yelled. "Let's not watch this movie. Here." And she put on a different Halloween movie called "Get a Life, Mr. Angry Pumpkin".

Hera set a tray of mac-and-cheese, chicken nuggets, and water in front of the kids. Then she looked at Fructus. "Mommy wants you to floss after every piece of candy you eat, dear." And she ran out of the room.

Hebe was eating her nuggets. She looked at Fructus. "Fructus, why is your mommy crazy?"

"She was just born like that, I guess," Fructus replied.

"My daddy hates your mommy," said Makaria.

"But we're all friends, right?" Fructus said.

Hebe and Makaria nodded happily.

"Guys, I want some _real_ food," Fructus said, smirking. "Hebe, go downstairs and get the candy!"

Hebe ran downstairs, sneaked near the front door where all the candy was, and lugged the three pillow cases upstairs into her room. "I gots it!" she yelled. "I gots it!"

"Excellent!" yelled Fructus. "Who wants a candy bar?"

Once everyone had gorged themselves fat on candy, they started to not feel very well. Their tummies were fine, but their teeth were a bit sore. But they boiled it down to eating too much sugar and they made a deal they would all brush and floss before going to sleep that night.

"FRUCTUS! TIME TO GO HOME NOW!" Demeter yelled. "DADDY'S GOT HEARTBURN AGAIN AND NEEDS HIS FARMER-GOD REST!"

Fructus sighed. "Bye, guys," he said. "See you on Monday." And he disappeared down the staircase and headed home with Demeter, lugging his pillow case with him.

Makaria left soon afterwards, leaving Hebe in her room all by herself.

"Hebe!" Zeus yelled. "Come down here before I eat your candy for you!"

Hebe ran downstairs and into Zeus' arms. "Daddy! Can I sleep in my costume?"

"No, sweetie. Let's wear our jammies tonight."

Hebe shrugged. "Mommy? I don't feel good."

"Is it your tummy?" Hera asked, going over to the medicine cabinet to get the "yucky-tasting medicine", as Hebe called it (Olympic Pepto-Bismol).

"No, Mommy. My tummy's fine. It's my teeth. They hurt!"

Zeus carried his daughter upstairs and Hera helped Hebe brush her teeth and floss (Hebe was crying during the whole thing, which wasn't like her; she usually did fine).

"Zeus, make an appointment with the dentist tomorrow, please," said Hera as she carried a crying Hebe into her room.

 **WITH FARMER PEOPLE**

Demeter was helping Fructus get ready for bed, when Trip walked in, chewing on some Tums. "That's better. No more heartburn. Fructus, let's go brush and floss."

Fructus shook his head.

"Did you eat any candy?" Demeter demanded.

"Mommy, I ate some candy because I like it and I'm just a little kid-god and I can do whatever I want!" Fructus yelled, folding his arms.

"Trip, why don't you get the string," Demeter suggested.

Trip nodded, grabbed the floss, and began to floss Fructus' teeth.

"Daddy! You suck!"

"WHAT?! Are you asking for a day behind the plow, kid?"

"Who taught you that word, Fructus?" Demeter snarled.

"Uncle Hades did," Fructus replied.

Demeter sighed. "Triptolemus, make an appointment tomorrow for the dentist."

 **WITH UNDERWORLD PEOPLE THE NEXT MORNING**

Makaria could just feel she had a cavity because her teeth were hurting her this morning. Persephone was taking her to see the Olympian dentists that morning.

"Mommy? What happens if they find a cavity?" Makaria asked as she ate her eggs that morning.

"Well, honey," Persephone said, "they're going to give you some medicine and then you won't feel a thing."

 **OLYMPUS MEDICAL CENTER**

"Hey, guys," said Zeus. "Glad you guys have kids who don't listen either."

"Uncle Zeus, you said we could eat the candies," Fructus said.

"Yeah, but I just wanted to see if you would actually do it," Zeus snapped. "Shut up and look at the TV."

"Hebe, come on back, dear," called Hestia in a sweet tone. She was standing by the exam room in a bird-patterned nurse's jacket. She was carrying a clipboard and a pen with her.

"Mommy? I'm a-scared," said Hebe.

"Well, now you know that you can't eat so much candy," said Hera in a scolding tone, taking her daughter and placing her in the chair.

Zeus followed the two goddesses. "Yeah, Hebe."

Hera slapped him.

"Now, now, children," said a motherly voice, "let's be nice."

Rhea wheeled her chair over to Hebe and looked down at her. "Hi, sweetie-pie. Let's take a look at your teeth."

Hebe, who would do absolutely ANYTHING for Rhea, opened her mouth wide. Two minutes later, Rhea found two cavities that needed to be filled right away.

Rhea held out her hand and Hestia handed her the topical. Rhea gave it to Hebe, who began crying and kicking. Hestia grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "It's okay, honey," she cooed. "See? All done!"

Rhea put the needles down and glanced down at Hebe, who was still crying and kicking.

Hestia snapped her fingers and some belts strapped themselves around Hebe's legs. Then some more strapped themselves around Hebe's body and arms, until Hebe looked like she was on an operating table instead of the dentist chair.

"Didn't think of that," said Rhea. "Hebe, it's okay, honey."

Since Hebe couldn't move anymore, she started screaming, so Hestia gave her some laughing gas…and Hebe was calm after that.

Finally, Rhea filled the two cavities and released the belts around Hebe's body. Hebe slipped out of the chair and onto the floor, where Zeus picked her up and they walked back to their palace.

After Rhea and Hestia had cleaned up and left, Hades and Charon (that ferryman dude) took over the office.

"Okay, I don't like this kid," Hades told Charon. "He's Demeter's kid, so now I hate him even more. But he's my wife's half-brother, so I guess I should feel _some_ love for him."

"Hades," Charon said, "can I call him back now?"

"Nah, I'll get him." Hades walked outside into the waiting area. "FRUITCAKE! Your turn now. Please follow me and we'll operate on your face!"

Fructus and Trip headed into the exam room, Demeter staying outside.

Trip put Fructus into the chair and squeezed his son's hand while Hades checked Fructus' teeth for cavities.

"Wow, I'm disappointed in you, Fruitsnacks," said Hades. "Guess how many cavities I found?"

"Eight?" asked Fructus.

"Good guess, child," Hades replied, smirking in Triptolemus' direction. "Trippy, don't you help your son take care of his teeth?"

"No. That's Demeter's job. It's also her job to nag him about combing his hair, washing his hands after he pees…stuff like that," Trip said.

"Good to know. Good to know."

Hades put some topical in Fructus' mouth and gave him the Novocain. Then, just as Hades was about to drill, Fructus raised his hand. "What?" Hades snapped.

"Mr. Hades, can you tell me the story about you and Persephone?"

"I stalked your half-sister 'cause she was hot. Then I forced her to marry me and we made love a lot. The end. Open your mouth so I can drill."

When Hades was done with Fructus, Makaria's turn was next. Persephone sat her daughter down in the chair and Athena leaned it back.

"You're such a big girl," said Athena as she looked at Makaria's teeth. "Is Mommy helping you?"

"Uh-huh," said Makaria.

"Poseidon," said Persephone, "I thought Tyson's appointment was today."

"Uh…where did that come from?" Poseidon demanded.

"Well, there's an appointment schedule on the counter," Persephone replied, showing Poseidon the schedule.

"Oh…no. Oh, wait…maybe. Yeah, we decided to skip it because his teeth are really bad so we'll need to wait a bit." Poseidon cleared his throat and glanced down at Makaria, who'd just found out she had a cavity.

So, as soon as Athena gave Makaria the Novocain, Makaria remained as relaxed as ever. Sure, she squeezed Persephone's hand a few times, but still…she was a good patient for Athena. In fact, she was SO good that Athena let her pick a prize from the prize box.

 **MONDAY MORNING IN MS. PSYCHE'S CLASSROOM**

Ms. Psyche and Ms. Danae were teaching the kids how to count to ten, when Ms. Psyche asked how everyone's Halloween was.

Makaria, Hebe, and Fructus all stared at her. "We all gotted cavities," said Hebe.

"And our parents drilled holes in our teeth and put stuff in them," said Makaria.

"And it hurt," said Fructus.

"Our dad got drunk and puked in our hair," said Phobos, giggling like a little schoolgirl.

"Yeah," Deimos added.

"Well," said Ms. Psyche, "I'm glad everyone had a nice Halloween. Now it's time to start thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas! But we'll do that really soon when it gets closer to Thanksgiving. In the meantime, everyone, it's snack time!"

 **HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE!**


	58. You Need to Floss More

**I guess a lot of people are liking the preschooler idea. I'll keep doing them, just give me some more kids that can act like gods! I can't have Ms. Psyche and Ms. Danae teaching five kids!**

 **Okay guys. Here is Tyson's chapter yet again. I hope you guys like this one. Credit goes to 44Lefty! I also don't own "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" by Dr. Seuss.**

 **CHAPTER 58: YOU NEED TO FLOSS MORE**

Tyson stood by the window of Poseidon's palace, waiting for Percy to pick him up so they could go to the arcade. Since Percy was on all these hero quests, and Tyson was always working in the forges, they'd decided to hang out that day.

Percy honked and Tyson headed outside. "Hi, Percy!" Tyson cried, nearly breaking Percy's ribs in the bear hug.

"Hi, big guy," Percy choked. "Ready for fun?"

"YES!"

So Percy and Tyson headed over to the Magical Arcade…Tyson got to choose and that's the first thing he saw.

Outside the arcade, a small, yellow school bus was letting off five kids and two women. One of the women clapped her hands. "Okay, kids," she said loudly. "Let's grab our buddies and head inside please!"

"Ms. Danae! Can we gets a toy?" asked a girl, who was wearing a big, red bow in her hair.

"Let's see if you win anything, Hebe," said Ms. Danae. "Don't forget to tell your mommies and daddies that we'll be heading to the zoo tomorrow!"

"Yay! Fructus, we gets to see the nanimals!" Hebe squeaked.

"Sweet! Is my dad coming? He loves animals!" Fructus asked, pulling on the other woman's skirt.

"Fructus, remember," said the other woman, "it's not polite of gentlemen to pull a girl's skirt down to see their butt."

"Sorry, Ms. Psyche."

After the kids all went inside and into a group room, Percy and Tyson paid the admission, got their cards, and headed into the arcade.

"Hey, guys," said an overly-happy blond guy. "Are you bored with all these crappy games?"

"Kinda," said Percy. "You have games that're actually fun here?"

"But of course!" the dude cried. "I would like to introduce you to our ropes course. Don't worry; you'll be in a harness. Basically, you go on the ropes and walk from one platform to another."

"I'm in!" Percy said. "Tyson?"

"Uh-huh," said Tyson happily.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the man, "but you smell like seaweed, so I'm afraid I cannot let you on the attraction unless you shower in our showers, conveniently located five miles away."

"Yeah… _convenient_ ," Percy said in his usual, snarky manner.

Tyson saw the little kids again. Ms. Danae and Ms. Psyche were each holding a couple of kids by the hands so they wouldn't get lost.

"Phobos, what should we play first?" asked Ms. Danae.

"Let's play that one!" Phobos yelled, dragging Ms. Danae over to the Ski Ball game.

Ms. Psyche dragged Hebe and Fructus over to the bouncy houses and helped them inside. Then she was forced to stand there and watch while she fantasized about having fun with them.

"Uh…Percy," said Tyson as they were shooting baskets in a basketball game, "I gotta go pee."

Quite a few people looked at them.

"Don't mind him," said Percy quickly. "He can't control the volume of his voice very well." He turned to Tyson. "Let's go. I have to pee, too."

Tyson and Percy headed into the bathroom, where they met up with Fructus, who was also peeing.

"Hi, little god," said Tyson.

"Hi," Fructus said timidly.

"My name is Tyson," said Tyson. "This is my half-brother Percy."

"Yeah, I know about you two. Uncle Hades told me you two were in love, but Uncle Hades likes to lie to my face a lot. Daddy and Mommy say it's not true…right?"

"Right. That's weird if you're in love with your own brother," Percy remarked. "So, how's preschool going?"

"Fine. We're going to the zoo tomorrow to see all the pretty animals." Fructus headed to the sink.

Suddenly, a dude stepped out from a stall. "Hey, Tyson, it's Daddy."

"DADDY!" Tyson flipped out.

"Hey, kid," said Poseidon, hugging his children. "And Fructus," he said, hugging his nephew. "Tyson, we're late for your cleaning."

Tyson shot pee all over the walls. "Huh?"

"We're going for a checkup," Poseidon said calmly. "You'll be seeing Dr. Hestia."

"Is she nice?" asked Tyson.

"Yes. I almost married her," said Poseidon.

"I had a checkup one time with Persephone," Fructus butted in, "and she kicked Hades out of the room because he sucks."

"Dude, NO ONE likes Hades," Poseidon replied. He took Tyson's hand. "Let's go."

So Poseidon and Tyson headed off to Olympus, leaving Percy and Fructus alone in the bathroom.

Fructus looked up at Percy, who was STILL peeing. "Daddy told me that you're a hero."

"Yeah. Sure," said Percy, washing his hands.

"So why don't you wear a cape?" Fructus demanded.

"'Cause Greek heroes don't do that kind of thing," Percy replied.

"Can you play a game with me, Percy?"

"Sure, Fructose."

"Fructus," said Fructus, washing his hands and grabbing Percy's hand. "C'mon. I like Ski Ball! Mommy gives me a sticker every time I do good on a game."

"That's great," said Percy. He was finding this kid _very_ annoying.

Meanwhile, in the Olympus waiting room, Tyson and Poseidon were pretty early for Tyson's appointment. So Poseidon decided to read "How Hades Stole Christmas".

 _Every god on Olympus liked Christmas a lot,_

 _But Hades, who lived in the Underworld, did not._

 _Hades hated Christmas, the whole freakin' season._

 _And please don't ask why, 'cause I don't know the reason._

 _It could be that he was immensely depressed,_

 _Or maybe he had no heart in his chest,_

 _But I think that the most likely reason of all_

 _May have been that his man-bra was twelve sizes too small!_

"Well, this is rather interesting," said Poseidon, closing the book. "That was rather strange, wasn't it?"

"Daddy, keep going!"

 _But whatever the reason, his bra or his heart,_

 _He stood in the Underworld, holding in a fart._

 _He decided to steal all the gods' Christmas stuff,_

 _Then he'd come back down here with a soft, little PUFF._

 _So he took his doggie Cerberus, and he took some white thread,_

 _And tied a big bow on the top of his dog's head._

 _Then Hades robbed all the gods, he took all the toys._

 _The next morning, they were sad, all the girls and the boys._

 _For Christmas was cancelled, and that, my dear friend,_

 _Is how Hades stole Christmas. Good night…that's the end!_

"Would Hades really do that?" asked Tyson.

"No, son," said Poseidon. "Uncle Hades is just creepy. He's not a jackass, but Demeter thinks he is."

"Tyson?"

A woman came out in a nurse's uniform (by now you're probably getting bored with hearing the descriptions of the nurse's jackets, so just imagine something nurse-like).

The woman walked over to the boys. "Hi, dear," she said to Tyson. "I'm Nurse Leto, and I'll be assisting Dr. Hestia today."

"Can Daddy come, too?" asked Tyson.

"Of course," said Leto. "Follow me, boys."

Leto led them into the exam room. Hestia was arranging all the tools on the tool tray.

Leto picked up the green napkin and placed it over Tyson's shirt, commenting on how nice it looked on him.

Hestia turned the light on and asked Tyson to open his mouth. Tyson did and Hestia began to clean his teeth.

Poseidon was sitting at the end of the chair, holding Tyson's hand so he wouldn't freak out. "Tyson," he said, "you're doing well, my boy."

"He's doing _very_ well," said Hestia. "But we need to talk about something, Poseidon."

"What's that?" Poseidon demanded.

Hestia was finished with Tyson, so she let the chair sit up and Leto took the napkin off of his shirt. "Tyson's got some gingivitis. How often does he floss?"

"Tyson?" Poseidon asked.

"What's floss?" asked Tyson.

"This is floss, dear," said Hestia, taking out a string and twirling it around her finger. Then, just like all the dentists do in the mortal world, she began to lecture the Cyclops about dental hygiene. Tyson must've dozed off because he hadn't heard a word Hestia had just said.

"Okay," said Leto, "would you like a sticker, Tyson? You were such a brave Cyclops today!"

"YES! Can I have a pony sticker?" asked Tyson as he hopped down from the chair.

"Sure," said Leto. She unpeeled a pony sticker off its wrapper and stuck it on Tyson's hand. "See? It's right on your hand." She looked at Poseidon. "He needs to come back for braces, and Zeus might be fitting them, but we'll have an assistant with good bedside manner to calm him down."

"Excellent," said Poseidon. "C'mon, Tyson. Let's go back to the arcade and annoy Percy."

 **So…what did you guys think of the little poem? So since Psyche got her cleaning, it's Eros' turn! What should happen to him?**


	59. Little Miss Hercules

Hey, everyone! My computer crashed so that's why I wasn't able to update for like a long time. So that being said, I lost my previous outline, but I have recreated some of the stuff from that outline by looking at all the lovely reviews/ideas you've given me. I'm still adding to it, so I will keep asking for more ideas…and if you give 'em to me, credit shall come your way!

I OWN NOTHING AND CREDIT GOES TO DaughterofNarnia.

Also, do you guys want me to do more preschool stuff? I've got Danae in my outline now because I just watched "Clash of the Titans" and it gave me some inspiration…

And now…LET US BEGIN!

CHAPTER 59: LITTLE MISS HERCULES

So for some reason, Hercules was visiting his mother Alcmene in the Underworld for a mother-son day or whatever. Hercules and Alcmene had a great time visiting, until it was time for dinner.

"So," said Hercules, flipping through the channels on his mother's hundred-inch flat screen, "what's for dinner, Mom?"

"Steak, dear," said Alcmene, pulling out some delicious-looking steaks. "C'mere and help Mommy eat these before they get cold!"

As Hercules was eating his steak, Alcmene was talking to him as she ate her own.

"So, how are you doing up there on Olympus?"

"Fine," Hercules replied, swallowing some steak. "Gods, my teeth hurt."

"How was your Halloween? Remember you said you were going to come down here and visit with your poor mother?"

"Mom, I had to hand out candy to a bunch of little children…whom I hate very much—GODS, MY FREAKIN' FACE HURTS, DAMMIT!" Hercules began massaging his face.

Alcmene ignored him. "So, tell Mommy how Zeus is doing."

"Good. You _do_ realize I'm basically in pain right now, right?"

"Of course, but I know you're just kidding with me because you're that kind of guy."

"Mom!" yelled Hercules.

"Yes, honey?"

"My teeth are killing me! MAKE…THEM…BETTER!"

"I can't, honey. The best I can do now is give you some medicine." Alcmene got this look on her face like she'd just gotten an idea. "OR I could call Olympus."

"I guess that would be okay," Hercules replied, sipping his water in an effort to stop the pain. (It only made it worse.)

Alcmene walked over to the phone and dialed Olympus Medical Center. She got an answering machine right away.

"Hello and thank you for calling the Olympus Medical Center. We are sorry we missed you. Please leave a message after the beep. Oh, and you might wanna put your name and number at the end. Yeah, that would be a good idea."

Alcmene was about to leave a message when Zeus came onto the phone. So they talked about sex for a while until Zeus finally asked why she was calling.

"Hercules is having these toothaches and I don't know why," Alcmene replied.

"I see," said Zeus. "Well, we can get him in tomorrow at eight in the morning."

"That sounds fine," said Alcmene. "I'll tell him."

"Heard you," Hercules groaned from the table.

"Never mind. He already heard me." Alcmene said a quick goodbye to Zeus and hung up. "You'd better get back to your palace and rest, honey. You've got a big day tomorrow."

Hercules walked into his palace and slumped down on his couch. He crashed five minutes later, still rubbing his face.

He woke up the next morning at seven fifty-four. "BALLS!" he screamed. "I'M GONNA BE FREAKIN' LATE!"

Hercules quickly got ready and rushed out the door.

When he arrived at the Throne Room, he sat on the bench and glanced at Hestia, who was sitting near the hearth roasting a marshmallow.

"Hey," Hercules said.

"Hey," Hestia replied quietly.

"I'm here for my appointment. Do I check in with you?"

"No. They know you're here. They're trying to decide who's doing the procedure."

"Oh…" Now Hercules was getting a little frightened. He hoped he didn't get that bitch Queen Hera. As far as he could tell, Hera was still mad about him being born and all. But whatever; she'd have to deal with him, whether she liked it or not.

"Hercules!"

Standing near the exam room entrance was a tall dude in blue scrubs with cloud patterns on them. Hercules smiled as Zeus pulled him into a manly hug.

"Daddy!" Hercules squealed.

"What the hell is wrong with you, son?" Zeus snapped. "How dare you call me _Daddy_? I am Lord of the Skies, dammit, and I shall be treated as such! Come along, now. It's time for your appointment."

Zeus led Hercules into the exam room. Zeus forced Hercules to sit in the red dental chair, and he put a pink napkin on his son's shirt. "If you're going to _act_ like a girl, then I'll _treat_ you like a girl, Little Miss Hercules."

Hercules looked up at his father. "Daddy, I'm only doing this because I'm scared."

"Here's the thing. I've heard Ares call me _Daddy_ , too. So guess what I did? I gave him a pink dress to wear around Olympus for a month, and he called me _Fat Bastard_ for the rest of the year. After I threw him into the Godly Prison, he said he was sorry and—"

"Are you done talking to that jerk-face?"

Hera turned around from the counter and glared at her stepson. She'd been so quiet that Hercules didn't notice her presence.

"Yes, queenie," said Zeus.

"So, what's wrong with you, besides the fact that you look like you're on steroids and eat nothing BUT steroids?" Hera demanded.

Alcmene had forced Hercules to give up steroids a long time ago, so he didn't answer that question, and Hera knew about that, too. So he cleared his throat and said, in a faint groan, "My teeth are killing me."

Hera put on a mock-sympathetic look, like, _Oh, I'm sorry your teeth hurt. I hate you_ look…or something like that. She had Hercules open his mouth and examined his teeth. Finally, she put the tools down and glared at Zeus. "Take some x-rays of his teeth for me. I have to make Hebe a sandwich before Mother Rhea takes her to preschool today."

"Already done," Zeus said.

"Then I have to go do Hebe's hair."

"Ares did that. I told him to. It looked great."

"Bull crap," Hera snapped.

"Uh…guys," Hercules muttered as the pain got even worse. "Uh…I have an appointment at four with a bunch of dead heroes and whatnot, so, like, can we get this thing moving along now?"

Hera sighed. "I suppose so."

Zeus took the x-rays and he and Hera examined them on the computer.

Hera looked at her husband. "He's got five cavities!"

"Dude, chill," said Zeus. "It's all good. But you had better do this procedure right, Hera, or there'll be trouble!"

"What kind of trouble?" Hera snapped.

"Like I'll throw you at Kronos and he'll eat you again and I won't rescue you this time kind of a thing," Zeus replied bitterly.

"I see," said Hera. She leaned the chair back farther. "Okay, Captain Steroids," she said. "I shall now numb you. If you kick, I'll consider making you mortal again so I can kill you."

"Uh-huh," Hercules managed.

Hera _was_ going to use topical, but she decided against it. She picked up the Novocain needles and looked at Hercules. "Guess how much I hate you," she ordered.

"How much?"

"THIS MUCH!" And she jabbed the Novocain into Hercules' mouth.

Hercules screamed like a little girl and grabbed for Zeus' hand. "Daddy!" he screamed. "Daddy! That hurts!"

"C'mon, Hera, don't be a bitch," said Zeus. "I thought you two made peace."

Hera extracted the first needle, then gave Hercules four more shots of the drugs. "I still hate you," she said, looking at Hercules. "And you," she told Zeus.

"Why must you verbally abuse me every day of my immortal life?" asked Zeus.

"I don't know," said Hera. "By the way, I only gave him half the Novocain…because I hate him."

"Son," said Zeus, "are you okay?"

Hera was done with the procedure for now, but Hercules was still sobbing because even heroes feel pain, everyone! Hercules looked at his father and his eyes seemed to be begging Zeus to finish the procedure before Hera did.

"Son," said Zeus, "I want you to breathe this air in." And he gave Hercules the laughing gas.

"Dad? When we're done, will you play tea party with me?" asked Hercules in a very girlish voice.

"No. Hebe tortures me with that enough. Now open your mouth so Hera can finish."

So because Hera only gave Hercules half the Novocain, he felt the drill. He screamed like a little girl a few times more and when Hera finished the fillings, Hercules asked her if _she_ wanted to play tea party.

"Hades no," snapped Hera. "I have to do queenly things. Goodbye, stupid son of Zeus."

Zeus helped Hercules back to his palace, where Hercules crashed on the couch with gauze in his face. Zeus handed him an Advil for the pain and told him to take it.

"Son," said Zeus, "I have to go home and drink booze. Will you be okay here?"

"Uh-huh," Hercules slobbered all over his couch.

"Excellent."

"Daddy? Can I get a lollipop for being a good patient?"

"Uh…no," said Zeus and headed off to his own palace to drink.


	60. IT HAS TO BE BLUE!

**Good day, friends! I am icecream401, here with yet another adorable Tyson chapter! Last time on Tyson's procedure, we discovered that Tyson needed to get braces. So let's see what happens, shall we? As always, shoot me PMs if you've got ideas and you'll get credit for them!**

 **CHAPTER 60: IT HAS TO BE BLUE!**

It was a hot-as-Hades (gross, that god is NOT handsome) day at Camp Half-Blood and Percy was walking on the beach because he was bored. Annabeth went on a field trip with a few Athena kids to visit a museum for architecture ideas, so our demigod son of Poseidon was left alone to walk in sadness.

Percy thought his day couldn't get any better, but someone came up beside him and hugged the living crap out of him.

"PERCY!" Tyson yelled, almost breaking Percy's ribs.

"Holy Hera!" Percy gasped for air as Tyson released him. "Where did you come from?"

"The sea. Daddy said I get to play with you today."

"Uh…okay. Let's go swimming!"

Once the boys changed, they headed into Long Island Sound and began to splash each other. Then they jumped off this big rock into the water. The big rock had no godly business being there, but that was okay.

"Tyson," said Percy as they were swimming up to the rock again, "we should name this rock and call it our own."

"Uh…I don't know…"

"Okay. How about Hera's Butt?" Percy suggested. "I hate that queenly bitch and there ain't nothing she can do to make me think otherwise."

Thunder rumbled.

"Okay. Hera's Butt it is!" said a voice next to Percy.

Percy turned around and found himself looking at Poseidon. "Hi, Dad."

"Hello, boys. Looks like a nice day for fishing." Poseidon turned to Tyson. "But we can't fish today. Tyson, we're late for your dentist appointment."

"What? Daddy, I don't wanna go!" Tyson said, pouting.

"I know, Tyson. But I'll be there for you. If we hurry, I'll read _'Twas the Night Before Christmas_ to you."

"Bye, Percy!" Tyson laughed happily as Poseidon dragged him out of the water.

When they got up to the waiting room, Hestia greeted them cheerfully and handed Tyson _'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Olympus Style_. Poseidon cracked open the book and began to read.

"'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the room,

Hera was chasing Zeus around with a broom.

Their daughter, Hebe, was asleep in her bed,

While visions of tea parties played in her head.

Demeter and Trip were snuggling at home.

And Fructus was reading a book about Rome.

When all of a sudden, there arose such a shake.

Hebe fell off her loft, and her arm, she did break.

As Hera put a pillow over her aching head,

Zeus screamed out, 'Hebe! Shut up and get back in bed!'

For out on the lawn, there was a slim dude.

The gods shut their windows, 'cause this guy was nude.

The guy fell into the chimney and fell on his butt.

The fire blew out and the chimney went shut.

The man breathed in the bad, sooty air.

So when the gods woke up, there was nobody there.

There was no Christmas that terrible day,

Hebe threw fits; Fructus wanted to play.

Their parents were angry until Zeus finally said,

'Children, get dressed! Let's go buy a sled!'"

"Daddy, read it again!" Tyson giggled.

"I'll read you another one, Tyson," said Poseidon, as he picked up another Christmas book.

Hestia looked at Poseidon. "You realize you're about twenty minutes early, right?"

"Yeah. So?"

"Just telling you so you don't ask where the dentists are."

Poseidon turned on the TV for Tyson and "Immortals" came on. Tyson was mildly interested in it; he was more interested in the toys in the corner of the room where the entrance to the Throne Room was.

"Hey, Tyson," said Poseidon as he flipped through the _Daily Roman_. "For your birthday, would you rather have a box of peanut butter or a crate of peanut butter?"

"What's a crate?"

"Kind of like a box with lots of holes in it," Poseidon replied.

"But then all the peanut butter would fall out!" Tyson replied bitterly.

"Okay, my boy. Go back to your puzzle."

A man hurried through the waiting room and into the exam room without saying anything. Tyson smelled ozone as the man headed into the exam room, and Tyson's stomach tied itself in knots. "Daddy?"

"Huh?" Poseidon said absentmindedly.

"Daddy? This guy just walked over here but now he's gone," said Tyson.

"That might be your dentist, son," said Poseidon.

"Hi, boys," said the woman who'd just entered the room. She walked over to Hestia. "Hi, baby. How's my little goddess doing today?"

"Fine, Mother," said Hestia, giving Rhea a hug.

"Excellent," said Rhea. "Tyson, sweetie, are you ready to come back?"

"NO!" Tyson screamed and ran out of the room.

"I'm so sorry about him," said Poseidon. "He hates it in here. He's nervous because he thinks Zeus is the dentist."

"Zeus _is_ the dentist, dear," said Rhea. "That's why he called me…because I'm so gentle and kind."

They all heard crying and Tyson was dragged back into the waiting room by Hephaestus. "Looking for him?" Hephaestus grunted.

"Daddy! I don't want Dr. Zeus!" Tyson screamed.

Rhea held up a star-shaped sticker. "Tyson, sweetie. If you're a big boy today, you get this nice, shiny sticker."

Tyson's jaw dropped. "Uh-huh," he replied.

"Let's go back," said Rhea, taking Tyson's hand and leading him into the office.

The familiar figure of Zeus was sitting in a chair next to the dental chair. Zeus was busy talking to himself as he looked over Tyson's chart. Zeus put the chart down and began to organize the tools. "Good, you're here," he said gruffly as he looked over to see his mother holding his patient by the hand.

"Zeus, Tyson's a bit nervous," said Rhea.

"Mommy, _everyone's_ nervous around me," said Zeus. "You're the exception because you're my mother."

Rhea looked at her son, then helped Tyson into the chair. She put a blue napkin on his shirt and looked at her son. "Zeus, you should trim your beard. It's getting too wild again."

"Mommy, I don't wanna!" Zeus snapped.

"Don't snap at me, young man," said Rhea bitterly, "or I'll have to scold you and take away your lightning bolts."

Zeus sighed like the drama king he is. "Okay, fine. Tyson, today we're going to put braces on your teeth."

"Please don't eat me," Tyson said, cringing away from Zeus.

Poseidon, who'd come in to be with his son, glared at his brother. "Yeah, don't eat my son. Cannibalism is quite frowned upon in modern-day society."

"If Kronos can do it, then I can do it, too," said Zeus, glancing down at Tyson, who was shivering in the chair. "Open your mouth, little Cyclops."

Tyson opened his mouth. Zeus took a look at Tyson's teeth for a few minutes, then he set the tools down and glared at the Cyclops. "Tyson, I'm going to ask you a very important question. Did you brush your teeth this morning?"

"Mm-hmm," Tyson said.

"Because all I can see is peanut butter on your teeth. Mother, I spent, like, two hours getting that stuff off his teeth when I cemented the expander in!"

"Zeusy, control your temper, dear," said Rhea.

"Mother, look at his chart!"

Rhea examined Tyson's chart. "Zeus, I would believe you if you'd written down some notes about his oral health. Hestia did that…or rather, Leto did. Leto wrote down something about some gingivitis."

Zeus turned around in his seat so he was facing away from Rhea. Then he rolled his eyes. "Leto's cute," he remarked. "Okay, kid. We're going to put this thing in your mouth and you need to leave it there so it's easier to put the brackets on."

Zeus put this thing in Tyson's face and told Tyson to bite on it. Now, here's the deal. Tyson had a really strong gag reflex, so as soon as Zeus put the thing in Tyson's face, Tyson puked all over the sky god.

"SWEET MOTHER FREAKIN' GAEA!" Zeus screamed. "I HATE CHILDREN! THEY SUCK!"

"Zeusy," Rhea said calmly. "Temper."

"He puked on me!" Zeus yelled, pointing to Tyson.

"He's yelling again!" Tyson gagged. He was crying again.

Rhea took Tyson's hand. "Sweetie, would a Popsicle make you feel better?"

Tyson calmed down. "Y-yes," he said.

"Okay. What color would you like?"

"IT HAS TO BE BLUE!" Tyson sobbed.

"Okay. I think I can get you a blue one." Rhea ran off to get Tyson's blue Popsicle.

Meanwhile, Poseidon was staring at Zeus. "What?" Zeus snapped.

"So last night, Hades told me that you have ten nipples," said Poseidon. "Just wondering if that's true."

Zeus ran to the bathroom, looked at himself in the mirror, then came back into the room. "No, I don't have ten nipples. And you can tell Hades that he's a loner because Persephone never eats dinner with him because he's a loner."

Poseidon shrugged.

Rhea brought Tyson a blue Popsicle and they all had to wait while he calmed down and ate it.

Then Zeus began to procedure. He fit the braces on, snapped the wires into place perfectly, and sat the chair up. "Now, Triton—"

"Tyson," Poseidon said.

"Same thing. Both names start with T," said Zeus irritably. "Tyson, now I must tell you about all the stuff you can't eat. Here's a list. I'm assuming you can read so I won't read this out loud to you. It's especially important that you stay away from stuff that'll get stuck to your braces, like popcorn and peanut butter—I SWEAR, IF YOU START CRYING AGAIN I _WILL_ EAT YOU!"

"Tyson, dear," Rhea cooed softly, "it's okay. These braces won't be on for that long anyway."

"But I want peanut butter," Tyson sobbed into her shoulder.

"I know, sweetie. But when you get these off in a few months, you'll be able to eat all the peanut butter you want."

Before Tyson left, he was still in tears. So Rhea gave him three more blue Popsicles for the trip home, and Tyson entered Poseidon's palace on a sugar high.

 **The end. For now. Hope everyone had a great New Year! Ms. Danae shall be next!**


	61. You Look Like Our Dad

**So here's Ms. Danae's chapter. This one won't be as surgery-based as the other preschool chapters have been, but it'll still be good (maybe…I haven't written it yet, so I'm not sure). Icy is too lazy to add the dots on the final E of Danae's name. And I personally think she and Dictys got married in the myth, but that's my personal thought. Anyway, NEW CHARACTERS! ENJOY!**

 **CHAPTER 61: YOU LOOK LIKE OUR DAD**

It was a nice day at Ms. Hecate's Academy. Ms. Psyche and Ms. Danae had just done the "Welcome Song" and were about to teach the kids colors. But something had to be done first.

"Boys and girls," said Ms. Psyche, "remember when I went to the dentist? Well today, Ms. Danae is going to be leaving early to go for her checkup. So we'll be having Ms. Aphrodite come in to help out. Now, what's the rule about having guests in our class? Yes, Fructus?"

"We don't bite them," said Fructus. "And we play nice."

"Very good, Fructus," said Ms. Psyche. "Now, everyone. Stand up and let's sing our color song."

After a five-year-long annoying-as-Aphrodite song about colors, Ms. Psyche gave each of the kids a coloring sheet. It was one of those sheets where the kids had to color the picture using the numbers they saw, and the numbers represented a color. So it was like a number-color test or something.

"Hebe, what color is number one?" asked Ms. Danae, leaning over Hebe to look at her picture.

"Blue!" said Hebe.

"Very good," said Ms. Danae. "Phobos, that's a very nice color green you're using."

"My dad says that green is for nature nerds like Fructus and his mommy and daddy," said Phobos.

"Okay, honey, let's keep our mean thoughts to ourselves," said Ms. Danae.

Then the clock chimed ten-thirty, which meant that Ms. Danae had to leave for her appointment. So she said goodbye to the class and headed to the front office to sign out.

"Good luck, Danae," said Ms. Hecate. "I heard the dentists are horrible sometimes and nice other times."

"Oh. Thanks?" Ms. Danae said. She left the school and headed for Olympus.

As soon as Danae left, Aphrodite walked into the building, covered in perfume and wearing an overly-short red dress. "Like, hi!" she squealed.

"May I help you?" asked Ms. Hecate.

"I'm here to assist my daughter-in-law," said Aphrodite.

Ms. Hecate looked at Ms. Psyche's notes she'd left on the front desk. "Yep. Psyche's expecting you. Ms. Danae went for a cleaning today, and Psyche said you're the sub."

"Uh-huh," said Aphrodite. "Where's the classroom?"

Meanwhile, Danae was atop Mount Olympus, sitting in the waiting room. She wasn't nervous; she was looking forward to meeting her dentists.

A guy with a beard walked out of the office, wearing a pair of scrubs with fish on them. "Danae?" he called.

Danae looked up from her magazine. "Zeus?"

"Nope," the guy said. "Strike one."

"Poseidon? You've got fish on your scrubs."

"Nope. It's me, Dictys. I'm the dude who rescued you from the sea and stuff when King Acrisius put you in the box and chucked you in the sea," said Dictys.

"Oh, yeah," said Danae.

"And we're also married now, so how do you not know your own husband's name? The myths never said we got married, but that's not important."

"I'm nervous, honey," said Danae, standing up and throwing her magazine on the bench.

"That's okay," Dictys said, patting her on the back. "Come on back."

When Danae got into the room, she saw a man sitting next to the chair. He looked like a king, but he looked really dead, too.

"Princess Danae!" the dude said. "I am King Polydectes! I have resurrected myself somehow, drank a smoothie, and here I am to do your procedure! Mwa-ha-ha! I AM AN EVIL DUDE!"

Danae looked at Dictys. "Did _you_ bring him here?"

"Well, as I was heading over here in our car, I realized there was a dude on the side of the street. He looked cool, so I picked him up. Then he put a damper on my life when I found out this dude right here was my brother…who sucks."

"I see," said Danae, although she wasn't too happy about having her ex-forced-boyfriend as her dentist.

Polydectes looked at Danae, who'd seated herself in the chair. "So I'm required by godly dental law that I must do some x-rays on you," he said. "Do you have a bun in the oven?"

"No," Danae snapped.

"Just checking," Polydectes said, throwing his hands up in surrender. "Now bite down on this piece of cardboard and my stupid brother will press this magical button."

Back at Ms. Hecate's Academy, Ms. Psyche was letting the kids have some free time. Most of them had finished their coloring sheets (all except Makaria, because she was one of those people who liked to work longer to make sure she got all the colors right).

Phobos and Deimos were doing a numbers puzzle in the quiet corner, while Hebe and Fructus played with the pretend kitchen.

"Does anyone want to play restaurant with us?" asked Fructus.

"I will, Fructus," said Ms. Psyche. "What's cooking?"

"Well, I'm making donuts and Hebe's making salads," said Fructus. "Which one do you want first?"

"Hmm…well, let's see…I'll take the salad."

The door flew open and Aphrodite walked in. "I'M HERE, CHILDREN!" she sang loudly.

Ms. Psyche's breakfast tried to bring itself up, but she swallowed a few times and welcomed Aphrodite to the carpet. "Guys, let's head to the carpet," Ms. Psyche called to the class.

"My mommy says the new girl's stupid," said Makaria in Hebe's ear.

"She _looks_ pretty stupid," said Hebe. "I heard she squeals every time she sees a hot dude."

"Class, say hello to Ms. Aphrodite," said Ms. Psyche, looking absolutely nauseated. "While Ms. Danae's at her checkup today, Ms. Aphrodite will be here to help us."

"Are you going to puke, Ms. Psyche?" asked Fructus.

"No, Fructus. I'm fine." Ms. Psyche swallowed some more (she _really_ didn't like Aphrodite) and continued that morning's lesson. "So, who can tell Ms. Aphrodite what day it is today? Hebe."

"Today's Wednesday," said Hebe proudly, going up to the calendar and pointing to Wednesday.

"Good job," said Ms. Psyche, handing Hebe a peppermint. "I'm giving out peppermints now because we're getting closer to Christmas. That reminds me. Please give these letters to your mommy and daddy. We're having a Christmas party at my house soon, and everyone's invited to come!"

Meanwhile, upon Olympus, Danae was getting her teeth cleaned. Polydectes was doing a pretty good job…until he noticed the laughing gas machine behind the chair. Of course, he didn't know what it was because he'd been dead for Zeus knows how long. Naturally, he was curious.

"Hey, Princess Danae," said the resurrected king, "I have a wonderful surprise for you! I'm going to put this thing on your face and—I'm not too sure what it does—but you should breathe in whatever air comes out."

Of course, Danae was suspicious. But she couldn't really run away because Polydectes had tied her to the chair. So as soon as Polydectes put the mask on Danae's face, she breathed in the air. Five minutes later, she was high.

"Hey, Polydectes," said Dictys, looking at Danae, "I…I think something happened to her."

"Eh, she's just high," said Polydectes. "So, Danae, now that you're in this high state, will you marry me?"

"I love pickles!" screamed Danae.

"No, no," Polydectes said impatiently. "I asked if you wanted to marry me."

"I said I love pickles," Danae yelled.

Ms. Psyche was having an awful experience, too, for she and Aphrodite weren't getting along so well.

"Ms. Psyche," said Ms. Aphrodite, "uh, there's, like, some construction going on outside, so would you mind going out there and taking a look at it?"

Ms. Psyche shrugged and got on her coat. She headed outside, leaving her class in the care of the love goddess.

Ms. Aphrodite glanced toward the door. "Is she gone?"

Fructus looked out the window, where he saw his preschool teacher walking towards the playground. "Yes, she's gone."

"Great! Okay, class, today we're going to talk about sex!"

The kids just looked at her.

"Does anyone know what sex is?" asked Ms. Aphrodite. "Yes, Deimos?"

"Dad said that it's how people make babies."

"Good boy! I want to let you all know that if you have any questions about sex to come right to me. Don't trust Zeus, Hera, Demeter, Trippsalot, or anyone else. They're all stupid and they know it—HEBE, STOP ACTING LIKE SUCH A FREAKIN' BABY!"

Hebe had started to cry, so Fructus put his arm around her.

"Oh, how romantic!" Ms. Aphrodite squealed. "You two are soooo CCCCUUUUUUUTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEE together! Makaria and Phobos, you guys are good together, too. Deimos, honey, you'll just be the single loner for a while."

"Ms. Aphrodite?"

Ms. Psyche had just come into the room, glaring at the love goddess. It was very rare that Ms. Psyche got angry. "There's no construction. Get out."

"Fine," snapped Aphrodite.

Back on Olympus, Danae was reaching for Polydectes' hair because it was "sexy" apparently.

"What do I do?" asked Polydectes.

"Get her out of here," snapped Dictys as Danae giggled and squirmed in the chair. "Finish the cleaning first!"

"Uh, Danae," said Polydectes, "you see that water? Rinse with that and spit it out."

"Like this?" Danae giggled and sipped the water. She swished it around her mouth for a bit, then spat it all over Polydectes.

"Yeah, we'll go with that," said Polydectes, ripping his gloves off. "Your appointment's complete. I'm going to buy an iPad Good day, terrible people!"

Dictys drove Danae back to preschool, where she entered the classroom. All the kids looked at Danae as she stumbled towards the carpet for afternoon circle time.

"Ms. Danae, you look like our dad," said Phobos. "That's what he looks like when he gets drunk."

"I love pickles, everyone," said Ms. Danae.

"Uh, look at the time!" Ms. Psyche said quickly. "It's time for nap. Let's get on our cots and sleep!"

 **I start school up again tomorrow, so I had to update before I went back. Hope you guys liked it!**


	62. My New Best Buddy

**Happy late birthday, Icy! This one's my original idea, so I hope you guys enjoy it! Sorry I haven't updated in a long time…I've had awful writer's block!**

 **So I know a lot of you guys like the Tyson chapters because he's so adorable! So I want to put him in one last time…what should happen to him now?**

 **LUKE AND OCTAVIAN ARE STILL ALIVE…UGH, SORRY. I HAD TO DO THAT!**

 **CHAPTER 62: MY NEW BEST BUDDY**

Luke was sitting by his cabin at Camp Half-Blood, waiting for Hermes to come get him. See, today, Luke was going to the Olympian dentist for his cleaning (plus he hadn't been for about nine years, so it's better late than never, right).

Anyway, Luke was just chillin' when Hermes came down from the sky in his nice-looking flying hat and his nice-looking shoes that had wings on them.

"Hey, kiddo," Hermes said to his son. "Are you ready for your appointment?"

"Sure," Luke said in a monotone. "I don't like you that much."

"Good," said Hermes. "Now hold my hand, Luke. I don't want to lose you on the way up to Olympus."

Assuming Hermes still thought of Luke as a small child, Luke grabbed his father's hand. The next thing he knew, he was sitting on a wooden bench in the Throne Room, staring at Hermes, who had gone over to Hestia. Hestia, who was sitting by the hearth, handed Hermes a clipboard and a pen.

Hermes brought it over to his son. "Lukey—"

"Dammit, Dad, don't call me that stupid name!" Luke screamed.

"Lucas Hermes Apollo Poseidon Medusa Slangbottom-Castellan III!" Hermes yelled. "How DARE you yell out that delightful boyish name?"

"Are you my real father?" asked Luke.

"Yeah. Why?"

"'Cause no one would name their kid that," said Luke.

"Well, your mom was high on labor drugs when she named you," Hermes explained. "So that's what she came up with. We just called you Luke because it was short."

Luke pouted like a five-year-old and turned away from his father.

"Please fill this out," Hermes ordered. "I'm going to get the room ready. When I'm done, I shall come out to collect you for the lovely appointment. Dr. Hades will be assisting, so I guess _he_ will be calling you back."

Luke rolled his eyes, but Hermes casually ignored him and ran into the exam room.

Luke was about halfway through the medical history form, when he heard Hestia welcoming someone into the waiting area.

Luke looked up to see a thin, blond kid walking towards him.

"Octavian," said Hestia, "you'll need to fill this out before the dentists take you back."

"Why?" asked the kid called Octavian. "The entrails of the teddy bears did not tell me I had to fill out a freaking form."

"Mr. Octavian," Hestia said firmly, "your dentists want to make sure you don't have any significant medical problems. You may take a seat next to Luke while they prepare the room for your visits."

Octavian walked over and sat down next to Luke. "What a bitch," he muttered to Luke.

"Totally," said Luke. "Whose kid are you?"

"I'm a descendent of Apollo," said Octavian. "And I'm also the Auger at Camp Jupiter, which—I'm assuming—you don't know about."

"Is that the place that lies on the outskirts of New Rome?" asked Luke.

"Yes," said Octavian.

"Never heard of it," Luke snorted.

Octavian glowered at Luke, then turned back to his medical form. "Should I make up a name or should I use my real one?"

"Well, considering these are gods, it couldn't hurt to make up a name, then have them guess as to who you _really_ are," Luke smirked. "This is actually my real name."

"Sorry about that," said Octavian. "I didn't choose my name either, but I like it. I'm not sure I have a last name though."

Luke shrugged. "You can be Octavian Slangbottom…take away my first last name and I could just have the Castellan part."

"Sounds Roman," Octavian smiled. "I like it."

So the two boys started to fill out their own medical forms.

NAME: Lucas Hermes Apollo Poseidon Medusa Castellan III

DATE OF BIRTH: Doesn't know; doesn't care.

REASON FOR APPOINTMENT: Cleaning…or something…

Octavian was filling out his:

NAME: Octavian Perseus Theseus Hercules Icarus Glitterpop-Slangbottom XXVIV

DATE OF BIRTH: Whenever the Pluto my mom had me.

REASON FOR APPOINTMENT: Unknown.

"Did you make that up?" asked Luke.

Octavian nodded.

"Your fake last name is _Glitterpop_?"

"Sure is!" Octavian giggled like the little girl he was.

A man who looked all sad walked into the Throne Room. "Hi, Hestia," he said sadly. "My wife was yelling at me for accidentally stepping on her foot last night while we were showering together."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Lord Hades."

"Yeah. I'm a horrible husband." Hades started to sob and went into the exam room. Then he stuck his head out, fat tears and snot streaming down his face. "Are you Luke and Octavian?"

The boys nodded.

"Right this way," Hades said. "Luke, this is Dr. Hermes, and he claims to be your father."

Hermes put on a Darth Vader mask. "I am your father," Hermes laughed loudly and threw the mask off Olympus, where it cracked on the ground. "Now in all seriousness, we'll need to take some x-rays of your teeth."

Meanwhile, Minerva—Roman version of Athena—was doing Octavian's teeth. "Is this your real last name?" she asked warily.

"No," said Octavian. "I thought I'd mess with you guys today."

"How dare you do this?" asked Minerva. "How unwise of you!"

"How unwise of YOU for thinking that was my real name!" Octavian yelled at her. Then he let Minerva take x-rays.

Meanwhile, Apollo—who was dressed in a white lab coat—rolled a chair over to Octavian. "Okay, dude. Minerva has already taken your x-rays, and it looks like you've got a cavity right here. We'll have you come back in a week to get it filled, okay?"

"No! That's when the Senate meets!" yelled Octavian.

"I'm a god so shut up," Apollo said cheerfully. "See you then."

Luke and Octavian headed off to a café, where they bought some hot chocolates.

"I hate my father," Luke said.

"I hate everybody," said Octavian.

"Yeah. I hate lots of people, too," said Luke. "But I have a new best friend…you!"

Octavian smiled and looked up at Luke. "Do you have any idea how gay that sounds?"

"No," Luke admitted. "Congrats, man. You've just been accepted in the Luke's Best Friend club!"

"I guess I could deal with having a Greek friend," said Octavian.

A week later, both boys met up again for their fillings. They heard lots of yelling in foreign from the other side of the curtain where the exam room was.

"Luke Castellan!" called Hades. "Your turn!"

"Octavian Slangbottom!" Minerva yelled. "You're up!"

Luke put down his magazine ( _How to Give Your Parent the Silent Treatment for a Good Long Time_ ) and Octavian put his down called ( _Happy Bunnies and Cute Kitties…and How to Murder Them if They're Stuffed Animals_ ). Then both boys headed into the treatment room.

Hades put a blue napkin on Luke. "Sorry, all out of green ones," he said miserably.

Minerva put a pink one on Octavian. "Sorry, Luke just took the last blue one."

"You boys ready for the drill?" asked Hermes to the room.

"No!" both boys yelled.

"Excellent!" Apollo said jovially. "Minerva! Topical!"

Minerva handed Apollo a swab of orange topical. Octavian wanted to puke, but thought that would be disrespectful towards the Olympians, so he just grunted instead. Meanwhile, Luke slapped Hermes in the face and told him how much he hated him…and went on telling him how creepy his mother was.

Apollo gave Octavian the Novocain, as did Hermes, and they all waited.

Octavian had never had a cavity before, so he wasn't used to not being able to feel the right side of his face. Luke _had_ had a cavity before, but he wasn't used to it either…it had been too long ago!

Octavian turned his head so he was looking at Luke. "Luke!" he slobbered down his chin. "Awe you gonna come to my camp sometime fo pizza?"

"No talking," Minerva scolded.

"Yesh!" yelled Luke. "I like peppewoni and gween olivesh!"

"Me, too!" yelled Octavian.

"What part of _no talking_ do you not understand?" snapped Minerva.

"Luke, we need to drill now," said Hermes. "So don't talk to Octavian, okay?"

"Hey!" yelled Octavian as Apollo was readying the drill. "You know a chick called Gaea?"

Luke pushed the drill away from his mouth and looked at the blond kid. "Yesh! She's awesome! I love hew!"

"Me, too," said Octavian. "She said she would hewp me be evil and stuff!"

"STOP TALKING TO EACH OTHER!" Minerva yelled. "OR WE'LL BE HERE LONGER! AND I NEED TO DO STATUE THINGS!"

Apollo and Hermes filled the boys' cavities quickly and sat the chairs up. Then Octavian stood up after he'd rinsed a few times. He glared at Minerva. "Next time," he drooled, ripping the pink napkin off of him, "I want a gween or a blue one! Pink's a giwl colow!"

"I happen to like pink," Hades said. "But everyone thinks I like black because I'm depressingly sad all the time and I bring down everyone's mood."

"Well, dude, you kinda do," said Hermes.

"Octavian," said Luke. "Let's go order a big-ass pizza!"


	63. A Surprise in Biology

**Hey guys! Bad news: this story's going to have to wrap up here in a few chapters! I'm down to my last few chapters right now. I'm sad to tell you guys this, but if there is ANYONE ELSE YOU GUYS WANT ME TO PUT IN HERE, LET ME KNOW!**

 **Credit for this one goes to Lefty44 and AutumnLeaves03!**

 **CHAPTER 63: A SURPRISE IN BIOLOGY**

"Does everyone have a lab partner?" Mr. Wheeler asked his Advanced Human Anatomy II class.

Everyone nodded.

"Excellent! Well, today we'll be looking at the oral cavity of this newly deceased _homo sapien_ ," Mr. Wheeler said.

Will Solace, who was so good at this medicine stuff that he sort of just dozed off, came back to reality when the kid—James Wilson—next to him giggled, "He said _homo_."

"That's the Latin term for _same_ ," said Will angrily. "Do you mind? I'm trying to space out while the rest of these people learn about the oral cavity."

Mr. Wheeler turned on the projector and on came a picture of a Word document. He tapped the screen with his pencil. "As the directions state," he said, "please label all the structures of the oral cavity and name at least one malady that can occur with that structure. You have the rest of the period and if you don't finish, it'll be homework that's due on Friday! Begin!"

Will was happily drawing the dead person's tongue in his lab journal and labeling it, when the classroom door flew open and in walked a dude. But this wasn't just any dude! The dude looked like he was in his early twenties, with a cocky smile, blue eyes, and blond hair. He was thin but well-built…and was also wearing a lab coat that had on the pocket: DR. A SUNSHINE, DDS.

Will looked at the guy in the doorway. "Oh, sh—"

"Hello, sir," said Mr. Wheeler. "How can I help you?"

"Yeah, dude. Looking for a kid named…uh…Will Solace," said the guy. "He is very, very, very, very sick and needs immediate surgery. He won't be back until tomorrow."

"And you are…?"

"Why, _I_ am his father Apollo! The Greek god of medicine, poetry, prophecy, and lots and lots of sex!"

"Dad, let's just go," said Will, putting his lab journal in his backpack and walking over to his father warily.

"No, kid. Not yet. I'm admiring these mortal peons as they worship the awesome ME!"

Will considered ramming his head into the wall, but he sighed and waited until Apollo was satisfied about the amount of power he had.

Once it was clear Apollo got what he wanted, he and Will left the classroom and headed down to the main office.

Before Apollo opened the door, he turned to Will. "Okay, I've got a totally awesome plan. I'll go in there and say you have demigod-itis, and you come in and act like you're drunk or something. Then I'll say you're so sick that you don't know who the hell you are, and we'll leave after that. Deal? Oh, and if you don't agree with my awesome plan, I'll deny that you're my son and you shall be severely punished."

"How do I get out of punishment?"

"Well, you'll need to sing a song in front of nine thousand complete strangers," said Apollo. He opened the door. "Hello! I'll be taking my son home now. His name is Will Solace. He has a rare condition called demigod-itis and needs immediate medical attention."

"Oh, the pain," Will said in a monotone, walking into the front office like a zombie. "Ow, it hurts so bad! OW!"

"Okay, you may take him home," the secretary said. "I just signed him out."

"Thanks, sweetheart," said Apollo. He turned to Will. "Let's go."

"Dad, where exactly are we going?" asked Will as Apollo and he flew to Olympus in Apollo's oh-so-awesome sun chariot.

"Well, my friend, we're going to Olympus because…" Apollo held up his hands dramatically, "YOU NEED BRACES! YAY! ALL RIGHT!"

Will could've cared less. He knew all his life he'd eventually need braces some day; he just didn't know when. "Okay, Dad," he replied.

"Good," said Apollo, leading Will into the waiting room of the OMC. "Hang out with Hestia for a bit while I prep the O.R."

Will rolled his eyes and sat down next to Hestia as she was toasting a marshmallow. "Hello," he told her softly.

"Hello, dear," Hestia sang quietly. "How are you today?"

"Fine," Will said truthfully. "Although I hate it when Apollo pulls me out of an interesting anatomy class."

"I'm sure you already know everything, dear," said Hestia, plucking the marshmallow off the stick and eating it. "Want one?"

"No, thanks," Will replied. "I probably shouldn't be eating before getting my teeth looked at."

A man behind Will cleared his throat. Will jumped and stared up at the Lord of the Dead—Hades!

"Lord Hades," said Hestia, bowing formally.

"'Sup?" said Hades. Then he turned to Will. "Your father would like me to tell you that you need to come back to the O.R. right now before he roasts you alive. Come with me."

Hades led Will back to the exam room, where Apollo was, all ready to perform the procedure. All the tools were lined up in a neat, little row on the tool tray. Will saw a bunch of stuff on the tray that looked like it shouldn't go in your mouth.

Hades put a poke-a-dotted napkin on Will and turned to Apollo. "Okay, Dr. Sunshine. Hurry this along so I can torture dead people. I just got nine more dead people today and all of them have been evil bastards while they were alive."

Apollo looked at Hades like, _Dude, chill_ , before turning to his son. "Okay, Will! Open wide!"

Apollo slipped something in Will's mouth to keep his teeth from touching his lips. Then he cemented some brackets on Will's teeth and put the wires in. After Apollo was done, he pulled the device out of Will's mouth and Will sat up and stared at Hades.

Hades, who was on his phone the entire time when he _should've_ been doing assistant stuff, looked at Will. "Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to invite you for dinner at my palace. Nico said I should get used to your presence because he said something about seeing you a lot. Will you have dinner with us tonight?"

Will glanced at Hades. "Yeah…sure…"

"Great," Hades said. "We're having chicken and French fries."

 **LATER THAT EVENING…**

Will, dressed in his school clothes, was standing outside of the Palace of Hades. Cerberus was pooping last night's dinner on the ground behind him. The dead people were partying in Elysium, being bored as hell in Asphodel, and singing torture songs in Tartarus.

Will entered the palace after Persephone had let him in. Hades, Nico, he, and Persephone were all eating dinner together. Nico and Will looked at each other and started talking about one thing after another. Hades and Persephone—on the other hand—just sat there awkwardly, until Persephone had the brilliant idea of taking their dinner into their room so they could watch a movie in bed.

 **Okay, sorry if it really sucked, but I really wanted to get this story up. I wrote it in two sittings, but I hope you guys like it. Plus I'm sick so that's why it probably sucks.**


	64. Tyson Gets a Big Surprise

**Hey, guys!**

 **First of all, DON'T STRESS! I'm not ending the story yet! However, I'm almost done with all of my characters! If you guys want me to do more** _ **medical**_ **stuff rather than dentist stuff, just let me know. After all, it's called the OLYMPUS** **MEDICAL** **CENTER FOR A REASON!**

 **Thanks—again—for all the reviews! I promise this story IS NOT GOING TO END ANY TIME SOON! DO NOT WORRY! I SHALL KEEP GOING AS LONG AS I CAN! I've got another Tyson chapter for you guys right now, but I still must do Thalia, Clarisse, Annabeth, Piper, Grover, another Hestia chapter, and Eros. You know the drill: if you want me to do anything else (oh, yeah, I forgot I have to do a hydra, too), let me know! If you want me to start a whole new thingy with medical stuff, let me know about that one, too!**

 **CHAPTER 64: TYSON GETS A BIG SURPRISE…THAT ISN'T REALLY A BIG SURPRISE!**

BRACES SUCK!

It had been a few months since Tyson had gotten them, and they weren't very fun. First of all, he couldn't eat peanut butter (in fact, he spent the first three days eating nothing but ice cream, soup, and blue Popsicles). Secondly, he had to go to the medical center every two months to get his braces tightened (thank the gods he didn't get Zeus because those two just didn't get along). He usually had Hera or Hestia.

However, Tyson had gotten pretty used to not eating peanut butter twenty-four/seven. He worked in the forges of the Cyclopes to keep his mind off of the sticky happiness…until one particular day brought the lovely memory of it back.

Tyson was working in the forges and about to take a potty break, when Triton just walked into the room and clapped his hands. All the Cyclopes shut up.

"Hey, y'alls!" Triton said cheerfully. "My sucky dad wanted me to get Tyson! Now since all of you basically look alike and are ugly as Hades—true fact, by the way—I am asking Tyson to come forward!"

Tyson walked over to Triton. Triton grunted an approval. "Look, by godly law, I'm required to hold your hand when we're walking somewhere so I don't lose you. Let's go!"

They entered Poseidon's throne room where Poseidon was clipping his fingernails…and Amphitrite looked like she wanted to hurl.

"Tyson, my son!" Poseidon cried, floating down from the throne and hugging his second-favorite son. "I have a wonderful surprise for you! Would you like to guess what it is?"

"A seahorse?" asked Tyson.

"No. Strike one."

"A sea-pony?"

"No and you're being irrational. Tyson, we're going to Olympus and—because you've been such a big boy with your braces—the gods have decided to grant you a lifetime supply of PEANUT BUTTER!"

"YAY!" Tyson totally lost it. He ran all around the palace, shouting to all the fish, "I GET A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF PEANUT BUTTER!"

"Yeah," said Poseidon as he awkwardly stood there. "Let's go, my boy!" He turned to Triton. "And you," he snarled, "while I'm gone, clean the toilets, mop the floors, and redesign my bedroom. The theme blows."

"Yes, Your Majesty," Triton snapped.

Tyson and Poseidon headed to Olympus, where they were about to enter the waiting room of the office. But here's what Tyson found: a trail of jars of peanut butter all lined up…leading to somewhere secret.

"Where do these lead to?" asked Poseidon.

Tyson shrugged. "I don't know, Daddy."

"Well, son, how about you find out?"

Tyson smiled, showing the metal on his still-nasty teeth. He giggled, laughed, and squealed as he followed the trail of peanut butter.

Tyson came to the end of the trail. Poseidon had given him a box so he could put all his lovely peanut butter into the box without losing any bottles. And guess where the trail ended up?

"No!" yelled Tyson. "Daddy! Why is Zeus in here?"

"Because, Tyson," said Zeus, "it is time to remove your braces. And I thought the only way to get your Cyclops ass up here was to bribe you with peanut butter…which worked."

Another guy cleared his throat.

"Oh, where are my manners?" said Zeus. "Tyson, this is your grandpa Kronos. He said he was bored in Tartarus because there's nothing to do down there…although I think he's a big, fat liar. At any rate, I invited him up here to help me out with this procedure."

A woman came out of the shadows.

"And _please_ tell me you know who Nurse Rhea is," said Zeus.

Rhea smiled and waved at Tyson, then asked him to sit in the chair. She put a pretty blue napkin on him and told Tyson about the procedure. "So, sweetheart," Rhea said, "it might hurt a little bit, but the important thing is that you sit nice and still so it doesn't hurt more than it should."

"Daddy said that Zeus is a mama's boy," Tyson remarked.

Zeus glared at Poseidon. "Did you tell him that?"

"Slipped out," Poseidon replied. "I got a little hammered last night and I might've said some very hurtful things about my relatives."

Kronos grunted. "Are we gonna do this? I like watching people in pain!"

Rhea shushed him. "Yes, we're going to do this procedure."

Zeus handed his parents some masks and gloves, then got himself ready.

 **TYSON'S POV**

I stared up at Zeus, Kronos, and Rhea. All of them looked really scary and I didn't really know how to handle it so I started sobbing…and Zeus got mad.

"STOP FREAKIN' CRYING!" Zeus yelled. Then he said some hurtful things about Cyclopes and Nurse Rhea hit him across the face a few times until he was bleeding this gold stuff. Then I lied down in the chair and he took my braces off.

That part didn't hurt too much, but then Zeus brought out this thing that sounded like a drill and began to take the rest of the glue off my teeth. THAT HURT LIKE SOMETHING AWFUL! I freaked out again. That guy Kronos started laughing at my pain, but Nurse Rhea saved the day again and she held my hand. (She's so nice to me.) And when that part was done, I got to sit up and spit water into the sink on the side of the chair.

 **NO ONE'S POV**

Rhea handed Tyson some more water and Tyson spat a few more times in the sink. Then he gave Zeus a toothy grin. "Can I have my peanut butter now?"

"No," Zeus answered. "You shall never have peanut butter again! And because I'm an evil king—and I suck—I shall punish you just because I can!"

Tyson started sobbing once more.

Kronos looked at Rhea. "Does he always do this? I don't like Cyclopes because they used to ruin my beauty sleep back in the Golden Age."

"Tyson's just a little bit nervous," said Rhea. "But yes, I would say this is pretty normal."

"Tyson, you were such a brave Cyclops," said Poseidon, kicking Zeus so hard that Zeus fell out of his chair, causing several tools from the tool tray to scatter on the floor. "And don't listen to Zeus because he's an ass-face."

"What in Hades is an _ass-face_?" asked Zeus. "My face does NOT look like someone's butt!"

"Yes it does," said Poseidon. "You cannot deny that."

"I CAN DENY WHATEVER I WANT!" Zeus screamed.

"Zeus, can I eat you again?" asked Kronos.

Zeus threw all the tools all over the place and stomped out of the room. "Where's Hera?! I need to vent at somebody and she listens to me!"

Rhea glared at the door where Zeus had just exited. Then she sighed heavily, got on her knees, and began to clean up the tools. After a few moments, Poseidon started to assist her. Tyson and Kronos sort of stared at each other until Kronos got uncomfortable (he _really_ didn't like Cyclopes). So he left the three of them in the exam room.


	65. We're Expanding!

**Okay, everyone! Good news! I have decided to do MORE MEDICAL PROCEDURES THAT'LL ACTUALLY GET THE GODS HIGH AND MAYBE DEMIGODS, TOO! Never fear, this story is still goin'!**

 **So here's the plan: Icy will still be doing wisdom teeth procedures/other dental stuff BUT will also put in some other medical procedures. You know the drill…colonoscopies for one thing. If you don't know what a colonoscopy is, a doctor sticks a camera up your butt. Speaking of which, guess who our first victim is? If you guess correctly, you'll get a cookie!**

 **Okay, so here we go with another explanation chapter that will probably suck! Enjoy!**

 **CHAPTER 65: WE'RE EXPANDING!**

As usual, Zeus picked the worst time EVER to call a Council meeting. All the gods were sound asleep when the big guy rang this random bell he had to signal a meeting. All the gods filed into the throne room, dragging their kids with them.

"Mommy, I'm sleepy," Hebe whined.

"I know, honey," Hera told her daughter. "Daddy's being an ass and decided to do this early-morning-meeting thing again."

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Zeus yelled to the gods. "I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!"

Demeter glared at her brother. "Fructus needs his fruit-god rest, Zeus. _Please_ hurry this along."

"Demeter, I hate you," Zeus said.

"Seconded," Hades said from his creeper position on the floor.

"Now…to business," said Zeus. "It has come to my attention that the surgeries and procedures in the Olympus Medical Center are going rather well. And so, because they are going so well, I have discussed the option of expanding the place with Hephaestus, who said it would be a good idea. And I did it because mortal doctors are so damn expensive and we're gods, which means we shouldn't have to pay people to examine us…APHRODITE, STOP SMIRKING AT ME!"

Aphrodite's mind was in dirty-mode so that's why she was smirking at the sky god.

"Anyway," said Zeus, "is everyone cool with expanding and doing other medical procedures? We kinda already expanded so you guys don't really have a say in it."

The gods grunted in approval.

"Good," Zeus mumbled. "Now let's assign positions! Hestia, since you don't have a life, how about you be the receptionist?"

"What do I do, Lord Zeus?" Hestia asked.

"You, my beautiful goddess of the hearth, shall answer the phone and remind people of their appointments!"

"Um…are you hitting on me, Lord Zeus?"

"Ew! No!"

"Lord Zeus, I already have a job at Ms. Hecate's Academy. I'm the nurse there."

"Well, seeing as that hellhole has a pathetic amount of children attending there, you don't need to be in that office all day, do you?"

Hestia knew she couldn't argue with the king, so she just shrugged and accepted her position.

"Okay," said Zeus. "Back there is the entrance to the center. And that's where you'll wait and bother Hestia. After she checks you in, you'll sit on your butt and wait till your name is called. After that, you'll be in the presence of a doctor and a nurse and you'll be tortured for…well…until your appointment ends. Questions? Yes, Aphrodite?"

"Can I be the gynecologist?"

"No!" all the gods yelled.

Aphrodite squealed, cried, and threw a grown-up temper tantrum and ran out of the Throne Room.

Ares and Hephaestus shared a glance, then they both rolled their eyes.

Zeus snapped his fingers and Hestia's clothes changed. She was now wearing a nurse's uniform.

"Good," said Zeus. "Now that you're dressed for your position, get to it!"

Hestia started shaking like a leaf, but headed into the medical center. As soon as she got inside, the phone rang. "Hello, Olympus Medical Center, how may I help you?"

"Does the phone work?" asked Zeus.

"Yes, Lord Zeus, the phone works."

"Good! Okay, bye!"

Hestia hung up the phone, thinking this was going to be a bad experience for her.

Suddenly the phone rang again.

"Hello, I'm calling to schedule an appointment," said a deep voice.

"Absolutely," said Hestia. "What's going on?"

"I've been having some stomach issues and the pain really sucks. And I'm wondering if you could get me in tomorrow."

"I'll get you in today—"

"Ooh…sorry, can't today. Lots of souls to torture. Tomorrow will be fine."

"Okay," said Hestia. "Your appointment is at noon. Can I have your name?"

"My identity is a secret," the man replied.

"Sir?"

"Dammit, woman! I said my identity is a freakin' secret!"

"So what should I write in the NAME box?"

"Write down CREEPYSTALKER666. That's what all my video game friends call me. Well, it _would_ be what they'd call me if I _had_ any video game friends," the guy said. "So I'll see you tomorrow at noon."

 **I know it was really short. I'm really sick, though, and I promise the next one will be longer. Unfortunately, the last term of school starts up tomorrow, but I shouldn't have** _ **too**_ **much homework the first week back.**


	66. The Butt-Cam!

**This idea comes from ethanhunter72! Great idea, by the way!**

 **CHAPTER 66 (OR WHATEVER CHAPTER WE'RE ON): THE BUTT-CAM!**

It was the day after Zeus announced that the medical center was expanding. And it also happened to be the day that Hestia was meeting CreepyStalker666. She literally stayed up all night trying to figure out who it could be.

When she peered over the desk that morning, she was surprised to see Hades standing there. "Hey," he told her. "I have an appointment with some terrible god who'll probably do something terrible to me."

"Lord Hades," said Hestia, "are you, by chance, CreepyStalker666?"

"Yeah," Hades sighed heavily.

"And what was the reason for your appointment?"

"I'm having some—you know what? You know damn well what the reason was," Hades snarled.

"I know, Lord Hades. I just wanted to make you say it again," said Hestia, smiling kindly. "Well, just have a seat in our new waiting area and the nurse will be right out."

The waiting room looked—and smelled—like a normal doctor's office in the mortal world. It had a few rows of chairs, a door to a dude's bathroom and a chick's bathroom, and a TV that was playing some boring news broadcast by Hermes. Today's news story involved Hermes standing naked in the desert.

Hades sat down in front of the screen so he could watch his naked nephew embarrass himself.

"Hello, universe," Hermes said bitterly. "I'm Hermes, blah, blah, blah. Today, I will be telling you why it is NOT a good idea to roam around naked in the desert. First of all, I have no notes prepared on the desert so I guess I'm sorta screwed out here. But that's cool 'cause Apollo said he would pick me up after he was done taking his nap…which I'm not sure how that could possibly work because he's driving the sun or whatever he does." Hermes continued to vent at the camera.

Hades rolled his eyes and started to look through a magazine entitled _Hermes' Notes on Roaming Naked Through the Desert_.

Hestia pressed a button on her phone and called the office. "Hello, it's Hestia. Yep, your patient has arrived."

The door next to Hestia's desk opened and out came…Hazel Levesque. How she was put in the nurse position today, Hades didn't know…nor did he care. He just wanted to get this stomachache taken care of. She even _looked_ like a nurse that was too young to graduate nursing school, but this didn't bother Hades too much; he was a god, so he obviously couldn't die!

Hazel walked over to Hades and looked at her clipboard. "Hi, Lord Pluto."

"That's _Dad_ to you, missy," said Hades. "I don't care if I'm in my Greek or Roman form, you shall still recognize me as your father."

"Okay, Dad," said Hazel. "Uh…please follow me."

"Good luck, Lord Hades," said Hestia.

"Go to Tartarus," Hades snapped as he passed her.

"Oh my…" Hestia replied, going back to her computer. Then her phone rang. "Hello! Olympus Medical Center. Hi, Hera. Of course I can put you down for a physical! Yes, of course I can get Asclepius to do it!"

Hazel led Hades down a long hallway towards one of the exam rooms. They passed a dentist exam room, an x-ray room, and a bunch of other rooms that Hades didn't want to know about. Once they got passed the lab, Hazel knocked on a door, then opened it.

Sitting next to the computer, looking at pictures of plants, was Hades' favorite goddess Demeter (friends, that was sarcasm). Demeter was eating a bowl of Froot Loops that made Hades' stomachache feel worse.

"Ah, Hades," Demeter said, closing out of the website, "right on time. I'm Dr. Demeter. Please have a seat on the table so I can examine you and ask you a bunch of questions about your general health."

Hades sat his butt on the table on top of the crinkly paper. He began to slouch because he was depressed today.

"Now, Hades," said Demeter, "if you slouch, you won't digest your food properly and it'll make you sicker."

"If you don't stop talking about how perfect of a family you have with Trippy-head and Fruitsnacks, you'll turn into Hera," Hades snapped at her.

"I see," said Demeter. "Hazel, be a dear and take your father's vital signs while I interrogate him."

"Sure thing, Lady Ceres," said Hazel. She put her fingers on Hades' wrist to check his pulse, then she took his temperature.

Meanwhile, Demeter looked at Hades. "So, what brought you in today, Hades?"

"Well, I've been having some stomach problems lately and I thought about going to Dr. Chocolates down in the mortal world, but I'd rather have someone I know do the procedure," said Hades. "And, in case you're wondering, I made up Dr. Chocolates just to make you laugh because your laugh is actually kinda cute."

Demeter glared at him.

"Someone's on her period," Hades observed as he watched Hazel write down his vital signs.

"Hades," said Demeter, "do you have stressors in your life?"

"Yeah. You, Triptolemus, Persephone, dead people, my terrible children, and the fact that I have to take Makaria to preschool every freaking day."

"Did you eat something that's making you sick?" Demeter asked.

"I don't think so," said Hades.

"I already know the answer to this one but I'll ask it anyway," said Demeter, bracing herself. "Do you eat well?"

"It's winter. I don't eat well during the winter. I sorta act like a bear and go into hibernation," Hades replied.

"You're _always_ in hibernation," said Hazel.

"Shut up," Hades snarled. "This is _my_ moment!"

Demeter sighed. "Did you eat your cereal this morning?"

" **NO**!" yelled Hades.

"I see," Demeter replied, sighing again. She pushed Hades down on the table and lifted up his shirt. "When I touch here, does it hurt?" she said, pressing on the right side of Hades' stomach.

"Yes," Hades grunted.

"Well, I could make you vomit, but that involves me cleaning it up and that's not going to happen," said Demeter. "Or I could make you come in tomorrow for a colonoscopy. I'm going with the colonoscopy." She handed Hades a prescription. "Get that filled right away at Apollo's Drug House. And we'll see you tomorrow."

Hades slumped out of the office and looked at Hestia, who was on the phone with somebody.

"Okay, Artemis. All of your Hunters are scheduled for sports physicals. We'll see you tomorrow. Any preferences on doctors? Not Apollo? Okay, I'll see what I can do." She hung up. "Hi, Hades. We'll see you tomorrow morning for your procedure."

Hades headed to Apollo's Drug House, conveniently located five miles away (by chariot). Hades rushed inside and slammed the prescription down on the counter. "Hi," Hades said briskly. "Demeter is going to do stuff to me tomorrow and is requiring I take this medication or whatever."

Apollo smirked. "So…are you two finally done with this whole you-took-my-baby-from-me thing?"

"No," said Hades. "Demeter and I will NEVER make love, not even if we're the last two gods on Olympus and we must procreate!"

Apollo handed Hades his medicine. "You need to drink this and it'll make you poop. So I'd recommend some of this as well." He handed Hades some toilet paper. "Enjoy and have fun getting the camera stuck in your butt!"

Hades headed back to the Underworld and took a dose of medicine right away. Then he had really bad stomach cramps and headed for the bathroom.

When Persephone came into the kitchen to chat with Hades as she made dinner, she couldn't find him anywhere. She finally decided to go into their bedroom. Sure enough, she found Hades sitting on the toilet, reading the _Daily Roman_ and humming to himself.

"Uh…hi?" Persephone said uncertainly.

"Hello, my dainty flower," said Hades casually. "Your mother has recommended that I get a colonoscopy tomorrow. So I'm drinking this stuff that'll make me crap forever and ever! Isn't _that_ exciting?"

"Not really," said Persephone. "I love you, honey, but I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight. I don't want to risk being sleep deprived tomorrow."

The following morning, bright and early, Hades got up, pooped ten more times, and headed to Olympus. After checking in with Hestia, Hades sat down in a chair and read a fashion magazine.

"I like this new design of black robes," Hades mumbled to himself.

"Dad," called Hazel from the doorway. "Your turn!"

Hades followed his Roman daughter into the office. Hazel threw an ugly hospital gown at him. "Please put this on and Dr. Ceres will be in shortly. She's making sure Lord Fructus eats his oatmeal today."

Hazel stepped out of the room and Hades put on his hospital gown and sat on the table. He looked around the room. "Hmm," he told himself, picking up the doctor's light hanging from the wall, "let's see what this does." He turned the light on and a tiny light appeared. Hades decided that it was a good idea to stick it up his nose and see how it felt. He stuck it in too far because his nose started to hurt, so he yanked the light out of his nose and put it against the wall again.

Then Hades noticed those paddles that mortals use for shocking dead people back to life. He picked them up and pressed a few buttons. "CLEAR!" he screamed, shocking himself. "OW!" He finally decided that this wasn't a good idea to play with shocking things, so he put those back down, too.

There was a knock on the door and Demeter walked in, dressed in a white lab coat and carrying a tray with a tube on it. "Good morning, Hades," she said reluctantly. "Lie down."

Hades lied down on the table and looked at Demeter, who told him to turn on his left side. Demeter looked at Hazel, who gave Hades a shot of something that made him feel sleepy and out of it.

"Hades," said Demeter, "we're going to stick this camera in your anus."

"That's my favorite planet," giggled Hades. "Uranus!"

"No, no," Demeter said, "I meant we're going to put this camera up your butt." Demeter inserted the camera, which made Hades scream and slap her hands away.

"You sick, sick woman!" Hades yelled.

Demeter looked at Hazel. "Please give him some nitrous. He's freaking out and I can't do this procedure until he's calm."

Hazel put a mask over Hades' face and Hades breathed in the air.

By the time Hades woke up, he was still in his hospital gown and was still on the table, but it had gates on it so he wouldn't fall off. Hazel was standing over him, smiling. "Dad, we're finished. Dr. Ceres will be in in a sec to discuss the results."

Hades grabbed Hazel's hair. "Your hair looks like chocolate curls on an ice cream cone," he said.

"Okay?" Hazel said. She left the room.

Demeter came in and sat in the spinning chair and glared at her brother. "Hades, we've found something in your intestines. Did you, by chance, swallow a Lego?"

Hades' head lolled from side to side in his _very_ high state. "Uh…huh," he decided.

"I see," said Demeter. "Well, you're good to go. Get dressed."

Hades stood up and took off the gown. Then he ran out of the room to go back to the Underworld. Now, Hades was completely naked at this point, so of course, this got a lot of stares from other people.

"Wow," said a voice. "Mommy! Look! Uncle Hades is naked!"

"Hebe, it's rude to stare," Hera scolded.

"But, Mommy…" Hebe insisted, "Uncle Hades looks funny!"

Hades skipped all around Olympus until he caught the eye of Hermes. "Whoa!" Hermes breathed. He took out his phone and took a picture of the naked god. "I _have_ to put this in the paper!" So he flew off to his office to write the article and add it to that week's edition of the _Daily Roman_.

Meanwhile, Hades headed into the Underworld, where Persephone was waiting for him, her arms crossed. "Where are your clothes?" she asked him.

"Oh, I kinda, like, swallowed 'em," said Hades flatly. "I have to go get a colonoscopy from Dr. Ceres! Hooray! Hooray!"

"No," said Persephone, throwing Hades a clean pair of underwear and his black robes. "Put those on right now. How did it go, dear?"

Hades, who'd gotten the Lego back from Demeter, showed it to Persephone, who covered her mouth. "Oh, gods…"

"Yep," Hades giggled happily. "That was in my ass, Sephie!"

"I can see that…and smell it," said Persephone.

Just then, that week's edition of the _Daily Roman_ appeared in front of them on the table. Persephone examined the front picture. The article was titled: "I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY CLOTHES: THE STORY OF HADES RUNNING ACROSS OLYMPUS NAKED".

Persephone read the article, which didn't say much about Hades' surgery; it said more things about Hades' naked adventures. There was an interview with Hebe and Hera as they were walking in the park, but those were the only two interviewees.

Persephone glowered at her husband. "Honey, go lie down. You've had a long day and you still look pretty tired."

Hades giggled, let loose a massive fart that scared the crap out of Persephone, and headed off to his bedroom.

 **Okay, that was the longest chapter I have EVER WRITTEN ON FANFIC! YAY! I hope you guys found Hades rather enjoyable!**


	67. Fructus Gets a Get-Well Card

**Okay, everyone. So sorry I haven't updated in a while. I have been sick and doing homework/projects. Plus, Icy's had severe writer's block. I have another Fruitface chapter for you, and then I PROMISE I WILL DO SOME DEMIGOD STUFF 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE PRETTY ANXIOUS ABOUT THAT!**

 **RANDOM FACT OF THE DAY: I don't own PJO. I've also never had what I made little Fruitcake have, so hopefully I'll never get it. If you've ever had what he did in this chapter, feel free to correct me in a review!**

 **RANDOM FACT OF THE DAY #2: Icy can now spell EILEITHYIA correctly! Yay!**

 **CHAPTER 67: FRUCTUS GETS A GET-WELL CARD**

It was a beautiful spring morning on Olympus. Everyone's palaces were dark. In one particular palace, however, Demeter was sleeping peacefully next to Triptolemus. Both of them were dreaming about pretty wheat fields and whatnot, when "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" started to play, causing Demeter to get an instant headache (that song sucked, according to Demeter).

Trip must've been in a pretty deep sleep since he didn't turn off his phone. Demeter finally sighed heavily and yelled, "TRIPTOLEMUS!"

"E-I-E-I-O," Trip sang in his sleep. "And on his farm, he had a cow—"

"No one CARES about your stupid cow!" Demeter screamed. "Get your ass up! Fructus cannot afford to miss school! He has had perfect attendance since the first day and I'd _really_ like to keep it that way!"

Trip sighed, got on his clothes, and headed into Fructus' room to wake up the fruit god. "Good morning, Fructus," he said, gently shaking Fructus awake. "Time to get up and go to school."

Fructus was excited because he and Hebe had arranged to play dress-up (where they were married). But when he sat up to get out of bed, he found something very odd. He didn't feel very well today. His tummy hurt and he felt cold one minute and hot the next.

"Do you want cereal or oatmeal this morning?" asked Trip.

"Nothing," said Fructus. "I don't feel good, Daddy."

"What's wrong?" Trip sat on the edge of Fructus' bed and felt his forehead. "Buddy, you're all sweaty. Did you have a nightmare about the wheat monster?"

"No," said Fructus. "My tummy hurts."

"Well, maybe some oatmeal will make it better. Maybe you're just hungry," said Trip. "What should we wear today, buddy?"

"My jammies," said Fructus.

"No. It's not Pajama Day at school. How about some overalls?"

Fructus shrugged. "Okay."

 **FRUCTUS' POV**

Daddy got me my favorite overalls that I got from Aunt Hestia for my birthday. They had three buttons missing ('cause I was bored one day and decided that pulling buttons off would be fun). They also had a tear in the butt where I climbed the tree in the backyard. (And Mommy still doesn't know!)

Daddy took me by the hand and we headed downstairs together. Mommy was at the table, eating a bowl of Apple Jacks. She was wearing a pretty dress and had sandals on. "Good morning, honey," she told me, giving me a hug. "Are you ready for school today?"

"No," I told her sadly, my stomach giving an almighty churn as I glanced at my breakfast—a small bowl of oatmeal.

"What's wrong? Did something happen yesterday that Mommy needs to know?" Mommy asked.

"No," I told her as I sat at the table. "My tummy hurts and I'm freezing."

"I told him he was just hungry," said Daddy, sitting down next to Mommy and kissing her on the cheek. Mommy did this thing where she giggled and squeaked like an annoying mouse. Then her face turned all pink.

I clutched my tummy. "It hurts, Mommy. Can you make it stop?"

"Trip, dear, run and get the thermometer," Mommy said. "I think he's running a fever."

 **NO ONE'S POV**

As soon as Triptolemus handed Demeter the thermometer, she uncapped it and stuck it under Fructus' tongue. Demeter made a tsk-tsk noise as she pulled it out. "103," she said, shaking her head. "Okay. I'll call Hecate and tell her he's got a high fever and a bellyache. Take him upstairs and put his jammies on. I'll be up in a few minutes."

Trip and Fructus headed upstairs, where Trip put Fructus in his green footy pajamas and tucked him back in bed, kissing him before he left the room.

Meanwhile, Demeter called Ms. Hecate. "Hi, Hecate, it's Demeter."

"Hi, Dem. What's up?"

"Nothing much. Fructus is very sick, so he won't be coming into school today," Demeter said.

"Oh, well…I hope he feels better and I'll let Psyche know," said Hecate.

Demeter rushed up to see her son fast asleep, his thumb in his mouth, beads of sweat trickling down his face, although he looked like he was freezing.

Trip appeared beside her. "I'm going shopping," he said. "You need anything?"

"I'm good," Demeter replied. "But why don't you get Fructus some soup?"

"Sounds good," said Trip.

 **MS. HECATE'S ACADEMY**

Ms. Psyche took attendance, telling the class that Fructus was out today because of a tummy ache and a fever. Hebe, who was hoping Fructus would be here today, started sobbing quietly.

Ms. Danae came to the rescue, though! "What's wrong, honey?"

"Fructus and I were supposed to play dress-up and we got married," Hebe cried in her shoulder.

"Well, maybe Fructus would like it if you made him a get-well card," said Ms. Danae. "Would you like to make him a card, Hebe?"

Hebe looked up at Ms. Danae. "Y-yes, Ms. D-Danae."

"Okay. Let's go get some paper and some crayons, huh?"

 **DEMETER'S PALACE**

Demeter was in the kitchen baking bread and making pasta sauce for that night's dinner. She was about to put the sauce on the stove and throw in a few pinches of salt, when she heard a little voice yell, "Mommy! I gots to throw up!"

Demeter sighed and rushed upstairs. Fructus was sitting up in bed with the trashcan in his hands. He was sweating and looked almost gray.

Demeter took the can away and ran her son to the bathroom, where he began to vomit. Then Fructus had diarrhea all over himself, and _Demeter_ almost threw up because that's just not right.

Finally, Fructus told her he was done puking and pooping everywhere, so Demeter put him in the bathtub and told him to sit there while she ran to call someone at the OMC.

"Hello, this is Hestia from the Olympus Medical Center. How may I—"

"Hestia! It's Demeter! Fructus is in need of urgent medical attention!" Demeter practically screamed into the phone.

"Okay, Demeter. Is Fructus there with you?"

"Yes!" Demeter screamed.

"Ma'am, I'm going to ask you to not panic, otherwise you'll scare the crap out of your son. I will send a godly ambulance over to your palace immediately."

Seconds later, Iris—the rainbow goddess—appeared in front of Demeter and Fructus. "Hi," said Iris, looking at her clipboard. "I'm supposed to pick up someone named Fructus."

"Here he is!" Demeter screamed, shoving the naked Fructus into Iris' arms. "Fix him!"

"Demeter. Chill," Iris scolded gently. She snapped her fingers and she and Fructus ended up in the operating room of the OMC.

Fructus—who didn't really register where he was—panicked instantly and hid behind Demeter. And can you guess who was doing this thing?

"Hi, Fructus. I'm Dr. Asclepius. Please lie down on the table," said Asclepius.

Fructus screamed. Despite the fact that he was in loads and loads of pain, he ran all around the operating room, screaming out agricultural terminology that even _Demeter_ didn't recognize!

Demeter sighed, picked up her son, and placed him on the table. Asclepius got ready for surgery (because he's one of those doctors who knows what's wrong even if the patient doesn't say anything). He put a mask over Fructus' face. Fructus was out like a light in less than five minutes.

 **MS. HECATE'S ACADEMY**

Hebe was trying to fold her get-well card for Fructus, when Makaria came over to her. "So…are you two…um…ya know…"

"Yes," Hebe replied proudly. "We're in love! See? I drew a heart in the middle of the front page so he'll feel better!"

Makaria laughed. "I think Fructus' mommy called and said he was in the hospital."

Hebe pulled a face. "I hope he doesn't have to eat that gross hospital food."

"How would you know about that?"

"Eileithyia took me to work one day and she said the hospital food sucks."

"Mommy told me that it was okay at some hospitals."

 **OMC**

Fructus' vision was blurry, but he knew he was out of surgery. Demeter and Trip were both at his side. Demeter was stroking his hair and Trip was reading an almanac in Greek.

Before Fructus could ask what Asclepius had done to him, the door flew open. Hebe and Hera walked into the room, Hebe holding a piece of paper in the shape of a heart.

"Fructus, I thought you'd like a card, so I made one for you. See, it's in the shape of a heart 'cause I love you," said Hebe, giving Fructus a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks, Hebe," Fructus croaked.

"Honey, Dr. Asclepius ripped out your appendix," said Demeter. "So you don't have to worry about it anymore."

Fructus smiled at Hebe and held out his hand, which she took. He brought her hand over to his face and kissed it gently. Hebe was a good friend.

 **Aw…so romantic!**


	68. IT'S SO RED!

**Okay, back to demigods and our favorite daughter of Bellona! And Icy just got back from the dentist and needs to get a couple fillings done! Yay…ugh, I hate that!**

 **CHAPTER 68: IT'S SO _RED_!**

Reyna was sitting in a chair in a waiting room of New Rome, waiting for her cleaning. The secretary, Florence, was sitting at the computer and making phone calls and stuff.

"Reyna Avila Ramirez-Arellano!" a woman called. "We're ready for you!"

Reyna followed the woman back into a treatment room and sat in the chair.

"So," the woman said briskly, "I'm Heather and I'll be Dr. Carlson's assistant. Are you taking drugs?"

Reyna shook her head.

"And who is your godly parent?"

"Bellona."

"Did you say _Bologna_?" asked Heather.

"BELL-O-NA!" Reyna yelled. "And just for that, you will have my sword!"

Heather shrugged. "Um…okay? So we'll need to take some x-rays because you haven't been to the dentist since you were, like, two or something, right?"

"Whose chart are you reading?" Reyna snapped, rolling her eyes at Heather.

"Oh, sorry. This is Andrew Pratt's chart. You know him? He's a son of Mars."

"Yeah, and he looks like Mars, too," snarled Reyna. "Please hurry this along. I'm taking time out of my day to get this thing done, and I have to plan some war game type of thing."

Heather grunted, threw Reyna's chart on the counter, and took a few x-rays. When they came onto the computer, Heather pressed a magical button and Dr. Carlson walked into the room, dressed in a white lab coat and looking stern, as usual. "Reyna," he said.

"Dr. Carlson," said Reyna politely. She hated him. The guy sucked and he was the only good dentist in New Rome. All the others were eaten a few years ago by some rogue serpent thingy that someone left in the office as a prank.

"So, no cavities," said Dr. Carlson. "But before Heather cleans your teeth today, I have to tell you that you'll need to get your wisdom teeth pulled. Have a good afternoon."

Reyna stared at him. "That's it?"

"Yes," the dentist said briskly. "I have to go do some fillings."

Heather asked Reyna what flavor of toothpaste she wanted (Reyna chose chocolate). Heather sort of rushed Reyna through the procedure, and sent her on her way.

Reyna headed to a café and decided to try calling the Olympus Medical Center. She didn't want to go under the knife at Dr. Carlson's office, so she decided to go under the knife on Olympus. Even though those gods (besides Apollo and Asclepius) knew next to nothing about medicine, Reyna had heard some pretty good things about the procedures. So Reyna got off her warlike butt and called Olympus.

"Hello, welcome to the Olympus Medical Center," said the automated woman's voice. "Please follow the directions carefully. If you are a god calling for an appointment, press one. If you are a Greek demigod, press two. If you are a Roman demigod, press three. If you have no idea what the hell is going on, please check the number because you probably dialed the wrong one."

Reyna pressed three.

"Hello and thank you for calling the OMC. This is Vesta, goddess of the hearth. How may I help you today?"

"Hi, Lady Vesta, it's Reyna from Camp Jupiter."

"Hi, dear. How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks. I just went to the dentist and they told me I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out, and I hate the person who would be doing it. So can I schedule an appointment with the OMC?"

"Of course," Vesta replied. "Which day works best for you?"

"A Thursday or Friday," said Reyna.

"Okay, good," said Vesta. "I have this Thursday open at ten or two-thirty."

"I'll take ten," said Reyna.

"Excellent! Which doctors would you like? At ten, I've got Bellona—whose assistant will be Mars—or you could have Jupiter—whose assistant will be Juno."

"I'll take Bellona," said Reyna.

"Okay, honey. You're all set for Thursday at ten. Please come fifteen minutes early to fill out a medical form."

So that Thursday, Reyna woke up early, yelled at Octavian several times because he was annoying her, ate a light breakfast, and headed off to Olympus. When she got there, she got a medical form from Vesta and sat down to fill it out.

MEDICAL FORM

 **Name: REYNA AVILA RAMIREZ-ARELLANO**

 **Godly parent: BELLONA, GODDESS OF WAR**

 **Reason for appointment: EXTRACTION**

 **Please choose which method of pain relief you would like today: Novocain, nitrous oxide (aka laughing gas), both, or none (note that if you choose NONE, it'll hurt like a bitch!)**

Reyna didn't have time to answer that last question. At that moment, the door flew open and a man stepped out, wearing a mask around his neck and carrying a file folder. "Uh…" he looked at the folder name. "Reyna, you're up!"

Reyna headed back to the room with Mars.

Now, before we get into Reyna's thing, let us take a moment to appreciate the lovely work Hephaestus did with the place to fix it up. First off, the Throne Room now had a little hallway that led to the OMC, which had a waiting room as soon as someone walked in. Behind the door were the treatment rooms (which had doors on them so someone could drown out the screaming of pain while others wanted to watch the mind-numbing stuff on TV in the waiting room). There was a lab and a testing area in the middle of the hallway. At the end of the hallway was an operating room and a recovery room. Basically, it was just like a mortal doctor's office, complete with scary equipment, an OR, and a few beds in the recovery room. What more could the gods need?

Okay, enough said.

Mars led Reyna to the dental treatment room, where he literally pushed her into the chair. "So, kid, your mother will be here in a moment. I have to ask what kind of drugs you want today. Do you want some alcohol or LSD or PCP…or perhaps some weed?"

"Uh…I don't think it's those kinds of drugs, Lord Mars."

"Oh, sorry. Venus and I had a date last night and I asked her what—not important. You want the shot or the air? I'm too lazy to remember the names."

"I'll take both," Reyna replied.

"Okay," said Mars. "Oh, she's here."

Bellona walked into the room. She was a tall woman in a white t-shirt with jeans and gym shoes. She sort of looked like she was going to start a war.

"Good morning, Reyna," Bellona said. Her voice was low and firm. "Are we ready for surgery?"

Reyna nodded.

"Excellent. So Mars says that you would like both drugs. Here's the nitrous oxide, and this'll make you high so you shouldn't remember anything."

Mars slipped a mask over Reyna's nose and she breathed in the air.

Bellona began the procedure. First, she _blah, blah, blah_. When she did the preparation stuff, Reyna was numb and high.

"Mars, I'll need the forceps," said Bellona.

"Can I play with the suction thing first?"

"No," snapped Bellona. "I need to plan WWIII here."

"Can I help?" Mars asked eagerly. "I'd love to know your plans!"

"But you're Mars and you _don't_ plan. You just _do_ ," snapped Bellona. She pulled all four of Reyna's teeth and Mars handed Reyna some water so she could rinse.

As soon as Bellona put some stitches in, she kicked a button and the chair came back up. Reyna didn't understand what was going on, nor did she know where she was.

"Reyna, here is your medicine," said Bellona. "And you need to take this…are you okay?"

"Pretty chair," Reyna giggled. "This is so…what color is this?"

"C'mon," said Bellona firmly. "You should know what color this is. Mars never went to preschool and _he_ knows what color this is."

"I KNOW WHAT FREAKING COLOR IT IS!" Reyna yelled. "IT'S… _ **RED**_!"

"Wow, you must've liked that word if you had to capitalize, underline, bold, and italicize it," Mars replied.

"Indeed," said Bellona. "Now, Reyna, for the next week, you should rest. No fighting or killing or eating small animals. I also want you to take this special drug that'll keep your pain at a bearable level. Have a nice day!"

Reyna headed to the reception area, where she ran into Vesta.

Reyna drooled all over the desk and Vesta looked up. "Hi, honey," she said. "I'll go ahead and schedule your follow-up to get your stitches out."

"Bananas!" Reyna giggled stupidly.

"I like bananas, too," Vesta replied, typing away on the computer. "Next week, I'll get you in on Thursday at three, okay? Ah, whatever, you don't even know what your own name is. I'll have Mercury send you a message or something. Feel better soon!"

"Applesauce!"

"Yep, you'll want to eat lots and lots of that," Vesta agreed.

Reyna headed back to New Rome. How she got there doesn't matter; she got there. 'Nuff said!

Reyna headed over to her friends, who were all sitting on comfy-looking couches and eating cheeseburgers to their hearts' content.

"Reyna, how was it?" asked Frank.

"Sexy," Reyna replied.

"I see," said Hazel. "Here. We got you some ice cream."

"Thanks, guys! You guys are, like, my bestest friends ever!"

Even though she was still numb, Reyna downed the ice cream in about two minutes; it usually took her longer.

"Everyone," Octavian announced, "I have an announcement! I want you all to know that—after two days of not being able to take a dump—I have successfully taken one today! Thank you for listening!"

"Octavian, you sick bastard!" Frank yelled. "No one needs to know about your health problems!"

"No one needs to know that you dream about Hazel and you starting a family," Octavian retorted.

"Oh, yeah," Frank said dreamily.

"At any rate," said Octavian, "one last thing. Reyna is high so no one ask her anything serious until she's sober once again! And now, it is time for some freaking stupid campfire songs. Please follow me to that sad-looking campfire in the middle of nowhere!"

Hazel, Frank, and Reyna all followed the group down to the fire pit, where—indeed—they sang campfire songs such as "This Song Sucks" and "This Song Sucks Part II: This Song _Really_ Sucks".

 **Sorry if it was awful. But I hope you guys found it funny anyway!**


	69. Leo's Little Adventure

**This one's my original idea, because WE CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH LEO!**

 **CHAPTER 69: LEO'S LITTLE ADVENTURE**

 **Leo's POV**

I was building some kind of machine one day when something crazy happened. It all kind of happened really fast, but here's what I remember.

As I was saying, I was building something totally awesome for the _Argo II_ , when I thought to myself, _You are so awesome that you could probably do ANYTHING_! I love telling myself that kind of thing!

Some nails caught my eye on the floor, so I picked one of them up. I was going to stick it into my mouth and spit it out at Jason when he came walking by. Then I was interrupted.

Nyssa walked over to me. "Hey, Leo, I just went to the camp store and guess what I found?"

I shrugged, the nail still in my mouth, hidden under my tongue. By the way, hiding a nail under your tongue ain't a pleasant feeling, my friends!

"The Demeter kids are selling brownies, and I thought you'd like to try one," Nyssa said, offering me a delicious-looking brownie.

"Mm…" I said, because Leo likey brownies! "Thanks, Nyssa!"

I stuffed the brownie in my mouth, chewed for a few minutes, then swallowed it. It was delicious; one of the best I've ever eaten.

"Hey, Nyssa, I'm going to do something to Jason. I've got a nail under my tongue, so I thought I'd spit it out at him when I saw him walking over here."

"Leo, that could be dangerous…to _you_ ," Nyssa nagged. "But, if you'd like to do it, give it a try. I mean, it's not like you'll accidentally swallow it."

That's when it hit me. I put my finger in my mouth and felt underneath my tongue. The nail was…GONE! DUN, DUN, DUN!

"Uh…funny you should say that, my friend," I told her. "But the almighty Leo Valdez…um…had the nail under his tongue before he ate the brownie. And now it's gone."

Nyssa gasped. "Of course it is. Leo, you idiot!"

"No biggie," I told her. "I'll eventually poop it out like all the other things I eat."

"That nail could rip your stomach," Nyssa freaked. "C'mon! We're going to Olympus!"

Nyssa dragged me to the Olympus Medical Center. Being the awesome son of Hephaestus that I am, I knew about the latest upgrades. My dad designed them, that awesome guy.

Nyssa looked at me. "C'mon. Let's go see Hestia." We walked up to a polished reception desk, with the goddess of the hearth sitting behind it. "Hi, Lady Hestia."

"Hi, Nyssa," said Hestia. "How may I help you today?"

"Leo swallowed a nail. He needs urgent medical attention," Nyssa commanded.

"Okay. I'll need to know how long ago this happened."

"Five minutes ago."

"Okay. And is there any vomiting with blood?"

"No," Nyssa said.

"Okay. On call today is Dr. Helios."

"Well, at least it's not Apollo," I said.

"And Apollo's the assistant."

"Mother—"

"Thank you, Lady Hestia," said Nyssa. "Listen, I have to go back to camp. But I'll tell Calypso you're up here and she'll come and pick you up."

"Okay," I told her, sitting down in a squishy armchair.

"Good luck!" And she was gone.

 **No one's POV**

Leo was busy flipping through some crappy fashion magazines in an effort to create something that made hair look shinier, when a door flew open.

"Leo?" called Apollo.

Leo groaned. "Hi, Music Man."

Apollo nodded as Leo walked up to him. "So, Helios needs to know your height and weight, so hop on the scale for me."

Leo took his shoes off and did some supermodel poses on the scale as Apollo pressed some buttons.

Apollo looked up at Patient Leo and rolled his eyes. "You look gay."

"Well, _you_ look gay."

"Yeah? You need to increase your calories, Mr. Valdez," Apollo said. "And, of course, you're not as tall as I am."

"I'm also not as self-centered as you are," Leo replied.

"I'm very self-confident!" Apollo yelled, leading his patient towards the lab.

"That's _completely_ different from narcissism," Leo replied flatly.

Apollo held up a cup. "You see this? This is for a urine sample. Go into the bathroom and pee in it."

Leo took the cup and undid his zipper.

"Bathroom's that way," Apollo said disapprovingly.

Leo did his business in front of the Music Man, then screwed on the cap and handed it back to Apollo.

"Thanks," Apollo replied awkwardly. "Now, follow me to the exam room."

Sure enough, Helios was sitting by the exam table. "Leo," he said jovially. "How nice to see you!"

Leo and Helios high-fived.

"So, I hear you swallowed a nail," said Helios. "Sit on the table."

Leo lied down on the table. Helios pulled Leo's shirt up and pressed on his stomach. "Any pain?" he asked Leo.

"Yeah. A lot," said Leo.

Helios backed away and Leo sat up, pulling his shirt down. "So, kiddo, here's the deal. You have two options here. We can monitor your bowel movements for the next few days to see if anything comes out. Or we could go in there right now with an endoscope, locate the nail, and take it out here. Oh, the endoscopy involves you being high."

"I'll take that, then," Leo smirked.

"I thought so," Helios said, smiling at his patient. "Okay. I'm going to leave the room and come back with the endoscope. Apollo, please prep Leo for the procedure."

Apollo rolled his eyes. "Okay."

Helios left the room and Apollo ran over to the cabinets. He took out a hospital gown with butterflies on it.

"You got anything more…me?" asked Leo.

"This _is_ you," snapped Apollo. "There's no fashion statement when you're getting operated on. So just throw this on."

Leo undressed and put on the gown, tying it in the back. At that point, Helios walked in with drugs and the endoscope. The endoscope looked like a long snake that could only be commanded by Helios.

"Give me your arm, Leo," said Helios.

Leo gave Helios his right arm and Helios stuck him with the needle. In no time, he was asleep.

Apollo put some sort of thing up Leo's nose to help him breathe better.

Helios pulled up a mask. "Ready?"

"Yeah," Apollo said.

"Gel!"

"Gel."

"Scope!"

"Scope."

Helios inserted the scope into Leo's throat and went to his stomach. "I found it," he said. "Right there. Now we must get it out! Hand me those small forceps."

Apollo handed him the small forceps and Helios retrieved the nail, putting it into a plastic bag for a souvenir. Then he brought the scope back up and put it on the tool tray. "And now we wait for him to awaken!" he cried.

There was a knock on the door and Hestia opened it. "Dr. Helios, this is Calypso, Leo's girlfriend. She's here to pick him up."

"Okay, Hestia. He'll be awake shortly."

When Leo finally woke up, his vision was blurred and his hearing wasn't so great. Then he started to gain his senses back again.

"Hey, beautiful," he breathed as he saw Calypso.

"Hi, Leo. Are you feeling okay?" asked Calypso.

"Sexy…" Leo said dreamily. "I love Piper!"

"But I'm…Calypso," Calypso stammered.

"Oh, Calypso? Yeah, she's a bitch, huh?"

"I'M NOT A BITCH!" Calypso screamed.

"Calypso," said Helios, "we gave him some medicine so he'd feel comfortable during the endoscopy. It _does_ make people say weird stuff."

Calypso slapped Leo and ran out into the waiting room.

Twenty minutes later, Leo was dressed and feeling more alert. "Where's my girlfriend?" he asked Helios.

"Oh, you said you were in love with some chick named Piper, so she slapped you and left."

"Oh, great," said Leo. "Don't worry! I've got back-up! FESTUS! C'MERE, BUDDY!"

Just then there was a knock on the door and Hestia appeared again. "There's this dragon in the waiting room and he's scaring me," she said timidly.

"Hestia, hon, you need to man up," said Apollo. "You're always bitching and moaning about how you're scared of everything."

"Oh yeah?" Hestia breathed, her face turning a beet-red.

Meanwhile, Leo rode on Festus until he was back in camp. When he finally found Calypso, he had to apologize for literally three hours before she forgave him.

 **So, that's the second digestive problem/procedure thing I could think of. I've never had an endoscopy, but I've heard that the people who come out of them aren't exactly like Leo, but they're pretty close. Hmm…should I make someone have a baby? I guess when women are in labor they say stuff they don't mean to say!**


	70. Dolphin Buddy!

**ICY IS BACK AFTER STARTING UP SCHOOL AGAIN!**

 **This one comes from Lost-In-A-New-World. Our favorite daughter of Athena will be here now! Please keep reviewing and all that jazz. Enjoy!**

CHAPTER 70: DOLPHIN BUDDY!

Annabeth and Percy were on a date at the camp store.

"I need some more candy," Percy whined.

"If you whine again, Seaweed Brain, I shall break up with you because you're so freakin' annoying," Annabeth snapped (although she thought it was cute when Percy whined).

"But _Annabeth_ ," Percy whined louder, "I _need_ my candy!"

Instead of breaking up with him, Annabeth gave him a few slaps on the arm and told him to shut the hell up.

Once Baby Percy had gotten his fill of candy, they headed back to the cabin area, where some campers were practicing the campfire songs.

"Hey, guys," said Will Solace from the Apollo cabin.

"Hey, Will," Annabeth and Percy replied.

"Uh…Annabeth, I'm really glad you came over here. Someone's here to see you. Go inside your cabin."

Annabeth shrugged, kissed Percy on the cheek, and ran into her cabin. When she was inside, she stopped, dead in her tracks. Athena—her mother—was standing before her.

"Good afternoon, Annabeth," Athena said. Today, she was wearing a pair of gym shoes with a pair of green scrubs.

"Hello, Mother," Annabeth said, bowing.

"I am here to inform you that you're due for your procedure," said Athena bluntly.

"Um…"

"Time to get your wisdom teeth pulled," said Athena. "Come with me to the medical center."

Annabeth grabbed Athena's scrubs and Athena whisked them away to the OMC. Once there, Athena told Annabeth to sit down and read some fun magazines while she ran to get some paperwork for her to fill out.

So, Annabeth began to look at the magazines. There was an article called _Dear Aphrodite_ , so Annabeth picked it up.

 _Dear Aphrodite,_

 _I've got a problem. I want to tell my wife she's not pretty enough for me, but I just can't do it. I feel that she was very beautiful back in Ancient Greece when we were happily married, but now she's just…EW! How do I get her to look more attractive?_

 _Sincerely,_

Bolty

Annabeth read Aphrodite's response.

 _Dear Bolty (aka Zeus),_

 _First of all, if you didn't want Hera as your permanent wife, you shouldn't have forced her to marry you, stupid! Secondly, if you'd like to make her look more attractive, please send her my way. I'll have her looking gorgeous—though she still won't look like me—in no time._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Aphrodite_

 _PS – Side effects of a complete makeover include: sexual urges and that's all._

Annabeth rolled her eyes and looked toward the door. Athena was still printing off the paperwork for Annabeth, so she decided to read another magazine entitled _Tips on How to be Awesome at Prenatal Care_ (courtesy of Eileithyia).

Congratulations! You're expecting! But before you can welcome your new baby into the world, here are three tips that you should read as you're caring for your baby.

 _Number 1: Eat a proper diet. Eating a proper diet of nothing fun will give your baby all the nutrients it will need to survive outside of the womb._

 _Number 2: Get plenty of rest. You won't be getting much when you have the baby in the room across the hall!_

 _Number 3: See Eileithyia for regular visits. She's the goddess of childbirth; she should know this stuff._

Here are some comments from different goddesses about how they took care of themselves.

 _HERA: Life totally sucked when I was pregnant with Ares. I did everything right, and he STILL came out wrong!_

 _RHEA: I took great care of myself while I was pregnant. You should do it, too!_

 _PSYCHE: Even though I was constantly throwing up, crying, screaming at Eros, and eating pickles wrapped in cheese, I still gave birth to a healthy baby girl!_

If you have any questions about your pregnancy, or you would like to discuss delivery options, please contact Eileithyia at 111-111-1111.

"Wow…" Annabeth breathed. "Thanks for the advice, Eileithyia."

"Annabeth," said Hestia, "I can take you back to the exam room. Your mother and Poseidon are there waiting for you."

Annabeth threw the childbirth magazine onto the bench and followed Hestia back into the exam room.

The room was small, but it had just enough room for two gods and a demigod to hang out in there for an hour or so.

"Hello, Annabeth," said Poseidon. "How are you doing today?"

"I'm fine," said Annabeth. "You?"

"Great. Great. Okay, Annabeth, I have a question for you. Do you think Percy whines too much when he sees candy?" asked Poseidon, leaning the chair back.

"Uh…well…he generally whines a lot anyway," said Annabeth, looking up at the gods.

"I see," said Poseidon. "Well, Annabeth, your wisdom teeth are pretty impacted, so we'll need to put you under if you don't want to feel pain and whatnot."

"Whose chart are you reading?" snapped Athena.

"Annabeth's," said Poseidon.

"No, you ungrateful shellfish-eating parasite!" yelled Athena. "THIS IS NOT ANNABETH'S CHART! This is Piper McLean's chart."

"Then go get the correct one," snarled Poseidon. Once Athena left, Poseidon looked down at his patient. "So…if I were to choose between the two of you, you would be my first choice of a person I'd wanna hang out with."

"Thanks, Lord Poseidon."

Athena came back in with the chart. She shoved it into Poseidon's hands, then put on her gear. Poseidon glanced over the chart. "Well, it appears I was mistaken by Piper's chart. You don't need to go under, but we'll need to numb you up really well so you don't feel anything anyway."

"Let us begin," Athena said boldly.

Poseidon gave Annabeth some coconut-flavored topical. While they waited for it to kick in, Athena measured out the dosage of Novocain and gave it to Poseidon.

Annabeth, who was now high off of laughing gas (because Athena had given it to her as soon as she sat in the chair), reached for the needles. "I…I wanna do it, Mommy."

"No. We'll let Barnacle Beard do it today," Athena replied bitterly, handing the needles to Poseidon.

"Actually, that's not a bad idea," said Poseidon. He put the chair up and handed Annabeth a mirror. "Have at it, kiddo."

Annabeth carefully stuck the needles into her mouth and pushed down on the plunger.

"And while she's doing that," Poseidon said, "I'm going to go pee." And he ran out of the room.

Athena watched in horror as Annabeth jabbed the fourth and final needle into her jaw. Then, Annabeth handed the needles back to Athena. "All better," she said.

"You done?" asked Poseidon, sitting back in the chair.

"Yeah," Annabeth giggled. "I love you guys. You guys make such a _cute_ couple!"

"EW!" they both yelled.

There was a knock on the door. "Excuse me, Dr. Poseidon," Hestia said, "but you have a call from Tyson."

"Tyson," said Poseidon. "How are—WHAT?! Dude, those dolphins are my personal slaves! Yeah, yeah, that makes them your personal slaves, too. Now, go to the Dolphin Springs and bring them back to life, dammit! Oh, and by the way, I'm not your real father. No, Tyson, that was just a lie to get you to go to sleep that night. I know you're my son. Yeah, I can't lie. Hey, listen, I have to do dentist stuff, so I'll see you when I get back. And tell Triton to make lobster for dinner…and I would also like salad to go with that. Tell Triton, also, that I—Tyson? Aw…he hung up on me."

Poseidon gave the phone back to Hestia, who was waiting patiently by the doorway. "Okay, Annabeth. Let's get this over with."

As Poseidon was getting the forceps ready, Annabeth snatched them from him and stuck them in her mouth…and she was laughing hysterically the entire time.

"Annabeth," said Athena in the gentlest voice she could do, "please let Poseidon do this. I don't want you to injure yourself."

"Shut up, Mommy," Annabeth drooled, blood dripping down onto the napkin. Successfully, Annabeth ripped out all four teeth.

The only part Poseidon had to do was the stitches, then he sent Annabeth on her way with a box with her teeth in it.

When Annabeth got out into the waiting room, she found Percy sitting there, playing with a toy in the corner of the room.

"I'M ALL DONE, SEAWEED BWAIN!" Annabeth yelled loudly.

Quite a few gods looked at her strangely.

Artemis closed the archery book she was reading. "Annabeth, dear, are you all right?"

"Dolphins are my friends," Annabeth said, leaning over to peer into Artemis' eyes. "Do you like dolphins, too?"

"Sure."

"Great. We can be dolphin buddies!" Annabeth took Percy's hand in her own. "Goodbye, dolphin buddy!"

"Bye, Annabeth," Artemis replied.

"Hey, Artemis," said Apollo, coming out of the door that led to the exam rooms, "are you ready for your physical?"

Meanwhile, Annabeth was basically asleep as Percy lugged her back to her cabin.

"Malcolm," Percy said, "take care of her for me, huh?"

"Sure. What's wrong with her?"

"She had her wisdom teeth pulled today," Percy said. "She's really high right now. I have to go to archery practice, but I'll see you later." And Percy was gone.

Malcolm sighed and continued to read his architecture book on Ancient Greece, when Annabeth woke up. "How're you feeling?" asked Malcolm.

"Dolphins," said Annabeth. "Are you my dolphin buddy?"

"No," said Malcolm.

"Oh," said Annabeth, sounding disappointed. "I thought you'd be cool enough to be in the Dolphin Club!"

Athena had left Annabeth's pills on the nightstand, so Malcolm gave her a couple and she fell asleep once again.

 **Okay, did you like it?**


	71. Don't Drive the Sun Car!

**Okay, sorry about all this wait, guys. It's a good week to make stuff up! I own nothing.**

 **Would you guys like me to do minor characters (like Greek heroes, minor gods and goddesses) more?**

 **CHAPTER 71: DON'T DRIVE THE SUN CAR!**

Helios woke up to someone making bacon in his palace. _Mm_ , he thought. He loved bacon!

Helios quickly got dressed and headed downstairs. There, he found Selene and Eos, making a nice breakfast for him.

"Well, good morning," said Helios. "What's this about?"

"Oh, you know," said Eos, "we thought you've been working hard lately…"

"I have."

"And you've been sleeping with a lot of girls…" said Selene.

"Yeah."

"So, we thought we'd make you some breakfast," said Eos.

"Oh, you two are something else," said Helios, kissing his sisters on the head. Then, he ran over to the cabinet. "Hey, where's my Advil-ambrosia?"

"What?" asked Selene, putting the bacon on a plate.

"My Advil-ambrosia," Helios repeated, massaging his jaw. "My wisdom teeth hurt."

Selene and Eos looked at each other.

"How long have you had this?" asked Selene.

"Like…three days," said Helios. "It started when I left that one chick in her bed—"

"Stop," said Eos. "Selene, make him an appointment."

Selene went to the phone and dialed the OMC.

"Hello," said an automatic voice. "Please listen to bad music while someone gets off their ass and picks up the damn phone."

Bad music started to play.

"Hello, and thank you for calling the Olympus Medical Center. This is Hestia. How may I help you today?"

"Hey, Hestia, it's Selene."

"Hi, dear. How are you?"

"I'm fine. I'm calling on behalf of my brother Helios," said Selene into the phone. "He's having wisdom teeth problems today, so I'm wondering if you could get him in to see somebody immediately."

"Of course…but there's no dentists here at this time. If you'd like to wait an hour, Dr. Asclepius will be in, so he could examine Helios."

Selene looked at Helios, who was literally on the ground in the fetal position, bitching about how bad the pain was getting. "Yeah, he can't wait that long."

"Well, Selene, how about _you_ do it?" suggested Hestia.

"Uh…okay."

Selene went over to Helios and pulled him up. "C'mon, Helios. I'm doing your surgery today. Let's go, Eos!"

OMC

"I…I don't think this is a good idea, girls," said Helios. He was sitting in the chair, looking up at his sisters.

"Listen, if you wait another few days, you'll be in a world of pain," Selene ordered.

Helios rolled his eyes; Selene was _always_ the nagging one.

Eos put a golden napkin on Helios' shirt. "You want both drugs?"

"What?" asked Helios. He was still glaring at Selene.

"I said do you want both drugs?" Eos repeated.

"Yeah," said Helios bitterly, folding his arms under the napkin.

"Okay," said Eos. She got out a device that Helios was _very_ familiar with: the device that has a name that escapes the author right now. That laughing gas machine thingy.

Eos gave the device to Helios. "Put this on your nose."

Helios did as instructed.

"Good," said Eos. "Now, breathe in the air."

Helios took in a deep breath through his nose. Within a few minutes, he started feeling light-headed and dizzy…which was good because Selene was holding a giant needle in his face, and it didn't scare the crap out of him.

"How do you get your teeth so white?" demanded Selene as she gave Helios the Novocain.

"Pizza," Helios giggled.

"I see," said Selene. "When you're not high, we'll talk about how you do that. Okay, now we have to wait for the Novocain to kick in."

Helios took out his phone. "Guys!" he yelled at his phone. "I'm the sun god! Did you guys know that?"

"Yeah," said Eos seriously. "We know you're the sun _Titan_."

"Oh…how long have you known?" Helios asked her.

"Since forever," said Selene.

"Did I ask you?" snarled Helios.

"No."

"Good. Shut your trap then."

The procedure went on from there. By the time Selene was done, there was golden ichor all over the napkin, and Helios was rolling his head from side to side.

Suddenly, Helios slapped Selene's hand away. "Where the hell is my son?"

"What?" asked Selene. "I have to put the stitches in! Hold still!"

"WHERE IS MY SON?" Helios yelled.

"What are you talking about?" demanded Eos.

"Okay, girls. I gots a secret," said Helios. "I gave my kid Phaethon the chariot and he never gave it back to me. WHERE DID HE GO?"

"I don't know," Selene said. "Maybe he's back playing soccer or something."

"What's soccer-or-something?"

"Like when you kick a black-and-white ball into a goal, stupid," said Selene.

"Oh, okay. Where's my chariot, then?"

Helios pushed the light out of the way, tore off the napkin, and ran into the waiting room. There, he found Zeus, waiting to get his annual godly flu shot. "I was looking for you!" yelled Helios.

"Oh, really? Well, I'm a busy king with many important things to do. What is it?" Zeus asked, throwing that week's edition of _Stupid Goddesses_ on the chair next to him.

"I wanna tell you not to drive my chariot, Phaethon," said Helios. "Remember what happened last time? You saw all those sexy star monsters!"

"Stars aren't sexy, idiot," said Zeus.

"I'm the sexiest thing to ever exist," said Helios. "Okay. Just don't drive the sun car and I'll be your bestest friend!"

The door flew open and Apollo walked out. "Zeus! Come back for your shot!"

Helios ran to the other side of the waiting room, where he found Hermes reading a book called _Creepy Mailmen: Why No One Likes Hermes_ (written by Apollo). "Did you like my sun car?" asked Helios.

"Yours? Yeah. It reminds me of Apollo's chariot…but it's well-build and doesn't turn into some crappy—"

"Phaethon, I told you not to drive the sun car!" And Helios burst into tears.

Meanwhile, Zeus was getting ready for his flu shot. Apollo readied the needle. "I hope this hurts like a bitch."

"Why would you say that?" said Zeus calmly.

"Because you're a horrible, jerk father and I hate you and you suck and…yeah…"

"You're a pathetic excuse for a son anyway," said Zeus.

All of a sudden, they saw Hestia running out the door, leading to the waiting room.

"Where do you think she's going?" asked Apollo.

"I don't know," said Zeus, wincing as Apollo gave him the shot. "Maybe she has diarrhea."

"Helios," they heard Hestia saying, "honey, I know you're high. But we can't have you screaming at imaginary people!"

"Phaethon's real," Helios insisted boldly. "I gave him my sun car! He wrecked it, that little bastard!"

Hestia grabbed the phone from behind the desk. "Theia, this is Hestia from the OMC. We have a little present for you in the waiting room."

Theia—the Titaness of the bright, clear sky—came running into the waiting room. "Helios!" she yelled at her son. "What happened?"

"Mommy!" Helios screamed like a little girl. "Where's Phaethon? He was supposed to be back here for dinner, but he never showed up."

Theia thought for a minute. "Oh, Phaethon? Yes, dear, I know where he is. Come with me."

Helios and Theia walked over to the pharmacy, got Helios' meds, then headed back to Helios' palace. Theia pushed a pill into her son's hand, then gave him some water.

"Okay," Helios said an hour later, "did I say anything stupid while I was high?"

"Well…you thought everyone was Phaethon, then you told them not to drive the sun chariot." Theia went to the fridge. "Got any cold beer?"

"Yeah. It's on the bottom shelf."

"Thanks. So, anyway, you need to get some sleep. So, turn on the TV and go night-night."

Helios rolled his eyes, turned on the TV ( _Hercules Busts Heads_ : Season 4), and crashed on the couch.


End file.
